If you are a fan of watching soap operas, then you would most certainly have enjoyed this week’s episode of Damages. Although it was insultingly predictable at every turn, there was a sort of smug satisfaction at correctly guessing what was going to happen next. And boy, did a lot of crazy, soapy shenanigans go down!!
First of all, there were a lot of paternity questions floating around, as Ellen tracked down her long-lost babysitter Ann in hopes of finding out if she was her birth mother. Meanwhile, it was revealed to everybody BUT Joe Tobin that he is in fact the real baby daddy of Tessa Marchetti!
Amidst all of the booze, sex, confessions, double-crosses, and exotic locales, Terry donned a wig in order to better understand the role of Arthur Frobisher, and it got a little difficult to tell which one of the silver foxes was the “evil twin.”
She may not have been possessed by the devil, a la Marlena on Days of Our Lives, but Patty was described as being “pure, unadulterated evil.” And yes, her methods may seem cruel at times, but Patty was nowhere near as treacherous as Marilyn, the black widow, was revealed to be!
Sadly, three central figures left the show dramatically … and more than one was viciously bumped off! Consequently, dearly departed characters who were killed off back in season one were miraculously back from the dead and walking amongst the living.
Whoa! Simma down now! Mighty Joe Young seems to have forgotten to take his crazy pills today!
Ellen pulls up in front of a snow-crusted, lemon yellow bungalow. She knocks on the door. TWICE. No answer. Just as she turns to leave, the door opens. Ellen introduces herself to a snow-crusted old hag who turns out to be her long-lost babysitter, Ann. “I’m Ellen. Ellen Parsons. Do you remember me?” “Ellen?!” she croaks out. YES! DUH! She just said that! Pay attention!
Peekaboo! Now answer your damn door, bitch!
Tom informs Patty that Curtis Gates arrested Tessa Marchetti. Patty finds it suspicious that he knew to arrest her just as she was about to talk to Patty. Oh, god! She better not suspect Ellen of turning on her!
Tessa asks Gates why she’s under arrest. Apparently her sweaty Italian, er, Antiguan boyfriend was living with her on an expired Visa and Gates had her arrested for harboring an illegal alien. Tessa wants out, but Gates is being a hard-ass.
The thought of Curtis Gates naked makes Tessa want to vomit almost as much as I do.
Gates tells Nick (asshole) that Tessa wants Patty Hewes as her lawyer. He then thanks Nick for informing him that Ellen was working with Patty behind his back. (This is for the slow viewers just tuning in.) Nick asks if he’s gonna fire Ellen when she gets back from her trip and Gates acts all coy and shady.
This douche is either swimming in a hand-me-down suit or he’s suffering from baby-claw syndrome.
Ellen is having a lovely glass of lemonade with Ann. Why do people always wait for the refreshments to be served before getting down to the real questions?! Ann is proud of Ellen for being a lawyer. She was also very worried about Ellen when she “had to let her go.” Enough beating around the bush , ladies! Ann fesses up that she is NOT Ellen’s mother, but she did live with her for a time when she was 4 or 5 when things at home were bad. Apparently her father was angry and abusive, and Ellen went to live with Ann for 6 months. Ellen’s mother asked if Ann would adopt her! Ann said yes, but her mother couldn’t go through with it. And after that she forbid Ann from seeing her again. Ellen is completely flabbergasted. Don’t tell mom the babysitter’s running her mouth!
“OMG! This lemonade tastes like cat pee!”
“Gasp! What on earth would make you think I’m a crazy cat lady?!”
Patty meets with Gates and says he is merely holding her client on a technicality. DUH! He’s using her as bait! Patty says Tessa is the key to her case and sooner or later, he’s gonna have to let her go. Gates plays hardball, and says he knows she’s been working with Ellen on Danielle Marchetti’s murder and he wants evidence. Patty isn’t ready to make a deal. These two queens have a stare down, and then Patty leaves.
Nice smoking jacket, Hef!
Ellen gets in her car and checks her voicemail. Tom left her a message catching her up to speed, adding that Patty is on a tirade like he’s never seen before. Oh, gawd!
Patty answers her door in pajamas? A pink smock? I can’t tell. Ellen asks why she hasn’t been answering her phone. Patty doesn’t respond. Instead she picks up a decanter of whiskey and knocks over a vase. (This is to inform the slow viewers that she is drunk as a skunk.) Now in a wide shot I can see Patty is simply wearing an oversized shirt from the Melissa Etheridge collection, sold exclusively at Chico’s. When Ellen tries to pick up the vase, Patty barks, “LEAVE IT!” I am so scared for Ellen right now! Patty wants to know how Gates knew she was working with her behind his back. Ellen says the whole thing was her mistake and it blew up in her face. Patty wonders if maybe Ellen was trying to humiliate her all along. “You used me. Because it’s always been about ambition with you.” Sorry, Patty, but for once, this isn’t about YOU! “I fell for your bullshit. But I know you now. I see you.” Is Patty drunk, or a Na’vi? “You’re a climber. A parasite. And you’re ruthless.” Is she talking to a mirror? She asks Ellen to get out of her apartment, and out of her life. Ellen fixes the vase and leaves.
What lesbian was put in charge of costume design this week?! Patty looks like she’s about to go down to Home Depot and fix that hole in the wall herself.
Frobisher is at a table read for the movie adaptation of his book. Terry is doing a lousy rendition of Frobisher. The actors are such weak, pale imitations of their season one counterparts, especially the Southern douche playing Ray Fiske. Even dim bulb Frobisher says something is missing from their performance. He tells the wacktress that she is playing Patty Hewes – “pure, unadulterated evil.” LOL. He then tells the Ray Fiske actor that Ray was gay, so play with a little. And no makeup next time. This is a read through! LOL
The real Patty Hewes eats bimbos like this for breakfast.
Joe tells Zedeck that Tessa is in custody. “Custody of who?” Zedeck asks, like this is a “Who’s on first?” routine. “The DA!” Joe hisses shrilly. Joe wants to know why his father didn’t have a better plan, and Zedeck says he did …
Cut to Thanksgiving Day. Zedeck brings over the pair of re-soled boots to Louis Tobin, who is consoling Danielle. The feds are closing in. Louis asks Danielle to fetch him a glass of water, and tells Zedeck he’s gonna confess everything to his family tonight. Louis nervously shakes out a few pills from his bottle and says he has a courier in mind he could trust …
This man is: A) Having a heart attack. B) Taking a dump.
C) Showing his O face.
Cut back to Joe exclaiming, “He chose Tessa?!” Joe starts freaking out that Tessa is going to rat them out, but Zedeck assure him that she never knew what she was signing in Antigua, so she can’t be of any use to the feds. He then tells Joe to calm the hell down and stop whining like a bitch.
Frobisher walks into Terry’s dressing room to find Terry in a HIGH-larious Frobisher wig. Although Frobisher loves it, Terry doesn’t feel the wig and the clothes are enough for him to truly understand his role. He wants to literally get inside of his character, and I’m wondering if he wants to sleep with Ted Danson?! It turns out he wants to tap into the real anger and dark side of Frobisher, which he has been suppressing with all of his Zen bullshit since season 2. Terry wants to see his underbelly. Eww! Gross! Spare my eyeballs!
“I’m not just the president. I’m also a member.”
Patty slides Gates a file. “What’s this?” he asks. She tells him it’s everything he needs to arrest Carol Tobin for Danielle Marchetti’s murder. Gates agrees to release Tessa, but OH! Not so fast there, bub! Patty has a new scheme in mind …
Yes! The bitch is BACK!
Joe is freaking out about Tessa to Winstone. “She’s not family! Why would she be loyal to us?” Whoa. What a difference a day makes! Just last week he told Tessa she was family! And Winstone, who so badly wants to be a member of the family (but isn’t) looks like he might cry. Winstone asks what Joe wants to do, and Joe flat out says he wants Winstone to hire someone to bump her off. When Winstone’s spine goes soft, Joe says he’ll find someone to do it himself.
Brown noser Alex Benjamin thanks Patty for letting her sit in on the Tessa Marchetti case. Patty tells her she wants someone at the firm who is ready to step up and take more responsibility. (For all the slow viewers, she is still smarting over her “breakup” with Ellen and is simply replacing her with a less pretty facsimile.)
Ellen is getting reamed out by her boss, Gates. Ellen asks if she is fired and Gates says she is suspended until he makes his final decision. “Go home, Ellen!” he orders. Ellen looks as if she doesn’t know where home is anymore … sniff, sniff.
Patty promises to help Tessa get out of jail, but she needs the truth about Thanksgiving first. Tessa says that was her first trip to Antigua. “Who sent you there?” Patty asks.
Cut to Thanksgiving Day. Danielle is frantically telling Tessa her new marching orders from Louis about flying to Antigua once a week to deposit her paycheck and sign papers. Louis calls in the midst of his heart attack, asking Danielle to bring over his pills. Danielle then asks Tessa to call Winstone and have him pick up the boots, because no one can know that he was at Danielle’s that day. “Trust me, baby, it’s gonna be okay!” HA! Famous last words, you dead MILF …
In what bizarro world are these two mother and daughter?!
Patty and Tom grill Tessa about the papers she signed, but she can’t recall anything. Patty asks Tessa how she’d feel about a return trip to Antigua.
Marilyn, aka Bozo the Clown, asks Winstone what Tessa knows. Winstone then tells Marilyn that Joe is acting crazy, and only cares about the money. He worries about Tessa’s safety. Winstone begs Marilyn to tell him the truth. “You haven’t told him?” Marilyn asks incredulously. OMG! Does this mean that Joe is the real baby daddy?! Seconds later, my suspicions are confirmed as Winstone says, “Joe needs to know that Tessa is his daughter.” !!!
Patty and Gates escort Tessa into a black SUV, where Mr. Clean is waiting, and explains that he will personally escort her down to Antigua and back. Gates commends Patty on a joint job well-done. Eek! Don’t speak too soon!
Another black SUV is a rockin’, but this one has Terry banging a prostitute and pretending to be Frobisher. The prostitute gets out, and Frobisher gets in. Eww! Frobisher offers Terry some poppers (these two are seriously turning gay) but Terry refuses. “I thought you wanted to see my underbelly?” Frobisher asks. Terry takes a deep huff, then they toast with flasks of whiskey. Isn’t Terry a recovering alcoholic? (Not anymore!) Frobisher admits he finds clarity in the rawness of darkness. “How dark do you get?” Terry asks. Frobisher alludes to the fact that he could have someone killed. Terry suddenly looks worried.
Frobisher turns Fauxbisher to the dark side.
Patty asks Tom to cut off all communication with Ellen and he asks why. “Either she was sloppy or she disobeyed me,” she replies curtly. Patty tells Tom that Ellen approached Tessa (which, for the slow viewers, is a cover for Tom approaching Tessa.) “I let my guard down and I should never have let her back in,” Patty moans. Tom is so wracked with guilt that he breaks down and tells Patty the truth. Tom apologizes and actually commends Ellen for trying to salvage his mistake. “So the two of you were strategizing behind my back? And then you lied to me about it?” she asks. “Have you ever lied to me?” Tom asks in return. “I have work to do,” Patty says instead. HA!
How does she get her eyes to match her suit like that?
Patty approaches Alex Benjamin and asks her to start looking for new cases – anything she’s passionate about – cuz “that’s how we work here.” HA! Nice try, lady.
Marilyn tells Winstone that Joe knows the truth now about Tessa Marchetti. Does he really? That seems like kind of a big scene for the show to skip over??
Mr. Clean reminds Tessa about what to do at the Royal Bank of Antigua. They can’t be seen together, but he’ll be waiting across the street when she’s done to take her back to the airport.
Ellen passes a mother and child on the street and gets a little verklempt. She then spots the ghost of her dead fiancÃ©e, David, and decides to have a little chat with him about her trip to Ann. He tells her she’s always trying to rewrite the past. He then tells her she’s just like Patty – they both hate bullies, and that’s what drives them. She was helpless to stop her father who was a bully to her family, and that’s what drew her to Patty, because she wasn’t helpless. Whoa. Thanks for the psych eval, Dr. Freud. He then tells her to make up her mind about Patty once and for all. (She better go back! There kinda won’t be a season 4 without her!)
I didn’t know ghosts got haircuts. Or older. Or fat.
Tessa strides into the Royal Bank of Antigua, all cute and perky and ready to obtain a copy of the signed documents. (This bitch is so dead!)
Patty and Alex are discussing Tessa Marchetti when Patty suddenly has a flashback to an earlier episode, where she asked Ellen what she thought of Alex.
Ellen: “She’s smart, ambitious, very dedicated. She’ll fit right in.”
Patty: “I’m glad you like her.”
Ellen: “I didn’t say I liked her.”
Patty snaps out of it and apologizes to Alex.
Patty: “It’s not working out.”
Alex: “What’s not working out?”
Alex is confused, but I sure as hell am not! Here comes the ax!
Alex: “I don’t understand.”
Patty: “I think you do.”
Alex: “Are you firing me?”
Patty: “It’s not personal.”
Alex is utterly confounded, and leaves in a fat, blubbering huff. Classic!
Is it just me, or does Tara look like Jodie Sweetin? (“How ruuuude!”)
Tessa comes back to the hotel room (Why?! That wasn’t the plan!) and find Mr. Clean dead. She then begs a hit man to spare her life, but no such luck. He shoots her clean through the head (bullseye!) and soils the linen drapes, then takes the documents off of her cold, dead body.
Clean up on aisle seven! Tessa, we hardly knew ye.
Joe’s phone rings. Emanuelle calls to tell him that his fears were founded, and Tessa returned to Antigua … and all is well. (For all the slow viewers, that means she has been taken care of.) Joe hangs up and tells his mother that the money is safe. Marilyn then tells him it’s not his fault … that Louis had a daughter with Danielle, and that this is HIS mistake. “You had no choice!” she whispers. That duplicitous whore!! She never told Joe that Tessa was really his daughter! Oh, she better get whacked good in the season finale!!
And the Bitch of the Year Award goes to … Marilyn! DAYUM!