Nothing can compare to last week’s amazing episode of Damages, but this week’s installment was still a treat! Maybe it was the luck of the Irish, (St. Patrick’s Day is this week) but everyone seemed to come out a winner, especially the viewers, who got their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in the form of Ted Dansen, who FINALLY resurfaced as smarmy Arthur Frobisher. His long-overdue return was accompanied by the arrival of guest star Craig Bierko, who’s lucky to be working at all. Ellen ran into Patty’s estranged son and his pregnant cougar girlfriend, and was lucky she didn’t get slapped in the face when she made the hilarious, bonehead mistake of congratulating Patty and calling her a grandma! Patty then tried to make Jill an offer she couldn’t refuse, but it was no such luck. Tom greased a few palms all over town, as both he and Joe Tobin saw their money troubles ease up a little bit. But it was crazy Carol who was the luckiest lass of them all. In a desperate bid for attention, she decided to go missing – and the trick worked! Everyone rallied to find her, leaving no Krispy Kreme or Coldstone unturned. Luckily, our resident leprechaun Leonard Winstone found her hiding out in Brooklyn with a mysterious, yet familiar ally, who turned out to be her accomplice in Danielle Marchetti’s murder!
I’m back, bitches!
In what was a very ominous but playful opening sequence, the episode started with a tight close up of a Statue of Liberty bobble head on a dashboard. I, for one, appreciated the clever nod to season one’s murder weapon that bludgeoned Ellen’s fiancÃ© to death. Close up of a gloved hand on the steering wheel. Suddenly, Tom Shayes’ car plows into Patty’s car, but when she checks to see who the driver was, they have vanished. Cut to Ellen looking nauseous as Vic interrogates her about Patty’s accident and Tom’s murder. “You’re a lawyer,” he tells her, stating the obvious. “You’re good at puzzles.” Is she? I’ve never seen her try her hand at Sudoku. Maybe he is making a gross generalization about lawyers. “Maybe we can figure this out together,” he says. Poor Ellen!
Give me liberty, or give me death!
Old windbag Arthur Frobisher finally turns up this season, and not a moment too soon! For some reason, though, he’s languishing in a long-winded (pun intended) subplot about exploring wind as an alternative fuel source. Hellbent on moral absolution, he waxes poetic at a fundraiser for his Whirlwind Initiative, saying, “What is the point of doing anything, unless you’re doing good?” Hmm. I think every other character on this show would beg to differ! I blinked in disbelief when Frobisher introduced everyone to Terry Brooke, aka guest star Craig Bierko. I still remember him from his guest stint on Ally McBeal as the guy with salad dressing all over his face. This time, he’s traded the dressing for a scraggily beard, playing a scruffy, aging Hollywood actor. Aka himself.
Grizzly Adams, is that you?!
Tessa gives her account info to Tom and Patty and appears to be cooperating, but I still don’t fully trust that little wench. She tries to scamper out, and Patty asks where she spent last Thanksgiving. Apparently she was with friends upstate, and not with her mother, because they had gotten into a fight. The sob story seems to tug at the single heartstring Patty has left for her own son, Michael.
Mr. Accent meets with Joe, Zedeck and Winstone. Joe is worried that no one else in this League of Extraordinarily Weird Gentlemen is worried about the fact that Patty is on to their little scheme in Antigua. Zedeck argues that the laws are firmly on their side. Then they discuss the possibility that Danielle Marchetti was murdered. Winstone assumes Zedeck did it, but the old fart denies the crime. Everyone exchanges glances. “Well, if you didn’t do it, who did?” Winstone asks.
It’s a small world, after all!
Just in case viewers missed a few episodes, or couldn’t follow the ridiculously long “Previously On” flashbacks, the episode answers Winstone by cutting to crazy Carol walking down the street and surreptitiously sneaking into an apartment building.
Marilyn is worried about her daughter, Carol. I am, too. Those chub cheeks are atrocious! She goes to Winstone and says Carol has disappeared, possibly with one of her scummy boyfriends. “She has tragic taste in me. Where did she get that from?” she deadpans. Uh, not you, Lezzy! Winstone promises he’ll take care of everything. Marilyn thanks him and starts calling him Lenny. Um, when did that happen? “No one can calm me down like you can,” she purrs. Eww! Why are the two characters with the least sexual attraction suddenly hitting on each other? It’s like in Casino when Sharon Stone suddenly cozies up to Joe Pesci and they go at it like animals in his trailer. I am getting a major case of the heebie-jeebies!
I swear! It’s this big around!
Mr. Accent is at Patty’s office, playing dumb. Patty grows tired of the lame hand job he’s giving her, so she shakes his hand and sends him packing. She and Tom both know that he’s full of it, but Patty isn’t worried. She tells Tom that she has a lead. “I’ve been talking to Ellen.”
Ellen has now all but officially handed in her resignation to the DA, as she meets up with Tom and Patty for an impromptu get together. It’s like an adorable Three Musketeers reunion, except that Tom keeps smiling / leering at Ellen. A little weird! The three of them decide to pool their resources and track down crazy Carol. Patty chirps, “Wherever Carol is, we’ll find her.”
Uhh, two’s company, Patty. Three’s a crowd!
Once again, we cut to Carol, nervously chowing down on her fingernails. Suddenly, someone walks in, and Carol looks up. “Thank you for bringing me here,” she whispers. “I feel much safer here.” Cut to commercial! ACK!
Ellen is shopping at some baby store where she JUST HAPPENS to run into Patty’s estranged son Michael and his pregnant, cougar girlfriend Jill. “How’s life after Patty Hewes?” Michael asks, rather haughtily for a disowned teenage boy. “I was gonna ask you the same question!” Ellen replies. HA! What follows next is an awkward introduction between Jill and Ellen, who is surprised to learn that Michael is having a baby. “Wow! That’s … great?!” Ellen manages to exclaim. Ellen leaves, but not before Michael invites her to his upcoming art show. “Is she gonna tattle?” Jill asks. “I don’t think so,” Michael tells her. “She’s just another person my mom pushed away.” Unfortunately for you, Michael, Ellen’s too much of a Stage Five Clinger to let go of Patty that easily!
I just have this weird thing for giraffes … and strong, female authority figures.
Winstone meets with a sexy blonde colleague, who he charges with hunting down that Goodyear blimp named Carol. As the blonde is about to leave, Winstone asks, “Are you married?” “Why do you want to know?” she shoots back. Hey, now! That was uncalled for! I know he’s kind of a creep, but she’s kind of a bitch. “You’re right. Don’t answer,” he says. HUH?!
Joe’s wife visits him at his dump of a hotel to say how much she misses him. She asks if he realizes that this time last year they were in Aspen. So, translation: she doesn’t miss Joe; she misses his money. Joe’s speaks Womanese fluently, and says he has something for her. He goes to the closet, and I’m expecting him to pull out another damn mink coat. Instead, he pulls out an attachÃ© case full of cash. Joe’s wife doesn’t want to be a part of anything illegal. Joe tells her it’s a gift, but warns her not to spend it too frivolously, or mean mommy Patty will confiscate it all!
Across town, Frobisher is totally kissing Terry’s ass and flattering him unabashedly. Is he coming on to him, I wondered? “Are you coming on to me?” Terry asks, as if reading my mind. Turns out Frobisher wants his Initiative to make a big splash, and he needs a famous spokesperson. What, was Ed Beagley, Jr. too busy?? Terry passes on the offer, but then picks up Frobisher’s autobiography, The Long and Windy Road. Only Terry misreads it as WINDING, which serves as further proof that actors can’t read. Frobisher suggests he give it a read. I suggest he get the Cliff’s Notes!
Another Bigfoot sighting!
Marilyn stops by Joe’s to whine some more about how worried she is about Carol. Yawn!
Patty, Tom, and Ellen are also discussing Carol’s disappearing act. Tom leers at Ellen again, then leaves. Patty compliments Ellen’s new digs. Awkward silence. Ellen fills the void by blurting out that she ran into Michael, who invited her to his art show. And then she drops the big bomb. “Congratulations are in order!” she chirps. “For what?” Patty asks, the rug about to be pulled out from under her. “You’re gonna be a grandmother!” Ellen announces, in what is possibly the cruelest thing she has ever said to Patty. Patty is frozen in horror and I died from laughter. Adding insult to injury, Ellen says, “Jill’s really showing!” Patty recovers from her mini stroke, and pretends to know all about the pregnancy. Riiiiight! PS, Michael is SO dead!
“But I’m too young to be a GILF!”
Michael’s art show is called “Emancipation.” Bwahahahaha! Jill says he’s a hit because she’s gotten offers on two of his pieces. Outside, Patty’s town car pulls up Devil Wears Prada style, and her window rolls down dramatically. She stares out in disbelief at her son, canoodling his pregnant whore girlfriend. “I’ve changed my mind,” Patty barks at the driver. “Take me home!”
I’ll have the subtext with a side order of irony, please. Hold the talent.
When she’s good, she’s good. But when she’s bad, she’s better!
Ellen is trying to enjoy her morning coffee when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Tom, holding a copy of Carol’s credit card statements. They’re off to Brooklyn to track her down!
Frobisher angrily hangs up his phone, and his son asks, “McConaughey said no?” Frobisher is clearly struggling to find a famey spokeswhore. “It’s not the cause. It’s me,” he grumbles, then extols some lesson about how reputations die hard, but he refuses to give up!
Tom and Ellen question a local grocer about Carol’s whereabouts. They really should be snooping around the corner at Pinkberry. Tom flashes the guy a little green to inform them if she ever shows her face again.
“Maybe you’d recognize her if she were holding a gallon-size drum of Ben & Jerrry’s?”
Jill tries to maintain civility and hold her own at an informal meeting with Patty. Patty explains that she wanted to stay out of her son’s life, but Jill left her no choice. “Does Michael know that you have an ex-husband and two daughters?” she asks. This hardly fazes Jill. “Does Michael know that your ex has sole custody?” Again, Jill laughs it off. Patty shoots her the evil eye, as she closes in for the kill. Go get ‘em, girl! “Does he know that the state of Colorado found you an unfit mother?” Dead silence. BOO-YA! Jill says she cares for Michael, and Patty sympathizes, which is why she won’t blab. What?! Is this a new Patty? Not so fast! Patty whips out her checkbook and offers Jill $100K to walk away. “You run an art gallery, and a pretty shitty one at that. Business isn’t exactly booming,” Patty growls. Jill gets up to leave and Patty ups the ante to $200K. Jill balks. “Consider this the carrot,” Patty warns her. “You don’t want the stick!”
“I’m in the business of paying off whores, and cougar, business is BOOMING!”
Tom drowns his sorrows in a tall Starbucks coffee, because that is all he can afford. He shares his financial woes with Ellen, who correctly guesses that he hasn’t told Patty yet because he doesn’t want to appear weak. Tom wants Ellen to come back to work for Patty, but Ellen whines that she needs distance, lest she lose herself in Patty. Oh, gawd!! Ellen goes all Lady Macbeth on Tom, and tells him, “You don’t need her.” Spineless Tom changes the subject by saying he knows someone who lives nearby who can help!
Cut to the grungy homeless man outside his prime cardboard real estate. Apparently, he and Tom are buddies, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how. Or why! He asks the guy to call him if he JUST HAPPENS to see Carol around. “Thanks, Barry.” Barry?!
Even the homeless guy is tired of the costume designer putting everyone in quilted vests and jackets!
Cut to 3 Months Later. Vic recaps for Ellen all of the evidence he has amassed over the course of the season, which unfortunately seems to point squarely at her. Ellen tires of being held captive, and tries to leave. Vic says that Barry thought she had a relationship with Tom, and wants her to come clean. Ellen confesses … that she and Tom were starting a law firm together! WHOA!!
Frobisher again meets with Terry. Turns out Terry loved his book and wants the rights to his story. He thinks it’s an American epic, and he even wants to play Frobisher himself! Terry sweetens the pot by offering to do all the PSA’s and webisodes that Frobisher wants for his Initiative, and Frobisher agrees. Well, that was a stroke of luck! I kinda wish that Frobisher had more of a devious hand in it, though!
Tom tells Ellen that Barry had a Carol sighting. Meanwhile, Winstone’s sexy Gal Friday informs him that she, too, tracked down Carol. It’s a race to the finish line!
Jill and Michael walk down the street. Jill is trying to wriggle out of the relationship by telling Michael how much more fun he’d be having at college keg parties than becoming a teen dad. Michael senses the presence of evil, and asks if his mother is behind this recent self-doubt. Jill lies. You know that bitch is just holding out for $300K!
Barry watches Winstone go into a seedy apartment building. Carol answers the door. Suddenly, Joe is there, too!! Winstone is pissed at Joe for hiding Carol there, because he is the landlord, and the building is in HIS name. “How did you find her?” Joe asks. “Your mother was concerned. I hired someone,” he answers. “Why are YOU hiding her?” Joe squints from behind his specs, then says, “Because Zedeck didn’t kill Danielle.”
Carol is annoyed cuz she thought it was the pizza delivery guy at the door.
Cut to 3 Weeks Earlier. Joe informs Carol that Danielle plead the fifth during her deposition with Patty. Carol is pissed and wants to stress eat. “What can we do about it?” she moans. Joe pulls the vial of potassium out of his bag. “Why do you still have that?” she asks.
Cut back to the present. Winstone is horrified.
Barry calls Tom and says that the same guy who threw away the boots on Thanksgiving is back.
Cut to Thanksgiving Night. Barry watches as Winstone dumps a garbage bag of clothes into the same dumpster that Tom’s body will eventually be found in.
Cut back to the present. Tom thanks Barry for the intel.
Cut to 3 Months Later. Ok, I am suffering from massive whiplash now from all of these time jumps. What is this? Lost? Tom is on the phone, telling Patty he can’t talk right now. He’s busy searching for something, when there’s a knock at the door. He tells Patty he has to go, and cautiously opens the door. It’s Winstone! With the duffel bag of cash. “Let’s do this fast,” he intones. Tom asks if it’s all here. Winstone shoots him a look. “I’m a man of my word,” he says, and leaves.
Your days are numbered, Tommy Boy!