Damages: New York Sucks

Coke busts and dirty tradings and hookers, oh my! Plus, lots and lots of Uncle Pete until, well, you know…

Back off, senile. Becker wasn’t nominated.

We pan through the stately office of Patty Hewes and Associates at nighttime, and come across…what is that? A walking swizzle stick? Oh. No, it’s just Ellen Parsons, taking a midnight stroll in her signature cheerful black.

Ellen’s holding two big law books in her arms (but surely they must be hollowed out prop books filled with sparkling water bottles and rice cakes – we all know real law books would snap those arms in half), Ellen comes down the stairs and sees a light on. It’s Uncle Pete, working late of course in an office across the hall.

For some reason, Ellen finds this suspicious and enters the office after Pete leaves it. Then we see that the office in question is hers. Thus the suspicion. Maybe Uncle Pete was just looking for some booze or laxatives? The 82-year-old digestive system doesn’t work the way it used to, you know…

But Ellen still takes her suspicion to the only friends she has left – FBI Dee and Dum, of course. The dynamic duo has been looking into Uncle Pete’s background on Ellen’s tip, and it ain’t shiny. Apparently he racked up a lot of criminal charges and was a client of Patty Hewes at one point. That’s some crack detective work, team.

I mean, seriously – you’re telling me the FBI is doing a full-scale investigation on Patty Hewes and it never occurred to them to look into Uncle Pete – her oldest employee – before this point? Are Dee and Dum even real FBI agents? Because at this point I think they might just be boringly disguised elements of Ellen’s imagination. Vodka delusions. No one would see THAT plot twist coming. Except for me, just now.

“He’s been by her side for decades,” Ellen says. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.” Dude, I was just saying.

“If Pete McKee knows where Patty’s skeletons are buried, we’ll find them,” Dee says. Doubt it. Patty Hewes doesn’t bury her skeletons. She nukes them and then swallows the ashes. Happy hunting.

Men’s Warehouse catalogue pose #32: The single button reads casual confidence, yet the relaxed pose with the hand in the pocket signifies a hint of mysteriousness. Or that you like to rub up against your junk mid-conversation. Mysteriously.

Patty is telling Frobisher that she has organized a press conference to announce him as her lead plaintiff against UNR. Frobisher, being awesomely Frobish-y as usual, hands Patty some “words” he’d like her to read at the conference. It’s two pages of praise, written out by hand on some legal paper and stapled together.

“Don’t you think this is pouring it on a bit thick?” Patty says. That’s Frobisher’s game, baby. Charm them with sweet words. And if that fails, bludgeon them to death.

Frobisher wants Patty to help restore his reputation. It’s the only way he’ll stand up against UNR. Frobisher informs Patty that he’s recently sought the counsel of a spiritual advisor. Patty says “really?” with a look on her face that’s similar to the one my mom gave me when I told her I wanted to get a perm. Supportive, yet also mocking.

“I have clarity now. I’ve made mistakes and I can admit that,” Frobisher says. You can practically see Patty biting her tongue through her dialogue. “That’s big of you,” she manages to say. She goes on to say that in order for them to work together, she’ll have to vet his financials. He agrees. Because, what financials? She pretty much cleared him out, right? I bet his new “spiritual advisor” is Homeless Joe down at the baked potato line in the soup kitchen.

Suddenly a knock on the door. Ellen enters. “Patty you wanted to see me-” she says, then spots Frobisher and stops dead. Frobisher looks like a kid who opened his Christmas presents a day early and then blames it on the dog. Ellen just stares at him, retardedly.

Then we jump to another scene altogether, where a curly-haired stranger, whom I will dub the Douche Trader, is snorting coke in a car with a hooker. Oh, FX. You are the risqué-iest of risqué cable channels. They’re listening to crappy techno, with the Douche Trader refers to as “musical epic poetry,” when suddenly a cop badge is pressed up against the glass. Ha.

Zoinks!

Later, in a much more wholesome environment, Kendrick is trying to teach one of his grandkids about the wonders of sea lions. He’s spouting off facts and his granddaughter says, “so?” in this really snotty voice. “Seals are stupid.” Haha. I like this girl. Kendrick says the sea lions have lived in New York since before she was born. “I hate coming to New York. New York sucks,” the girl says. Kendrick tells her that her great-great grandfather lived in New York. “So?” She asks again. We need this girl in every episode.

Godammit, grandpa. If there’s not a Wii game with my name on it at the end of this conversation, I’m gonna bust a cap in someone’s ass.

Suddenly Grandpa’s phone rings, disrupting this very moving after school special. It’s Dave on the line, telling him that the Douche Trader got busted with a hooker.

Then, like magic, Dave himself appears at the zoo. I know the show wants us to believe that all of these characters travel exclusively by Cadillac, but I think Dave is down on some secret island-magic teleportation shit. Dude is EVERYWHERE.

Dave tells Kendrick that there was a “mishap” with the Douche Trader. Mishap, huh? Is that what the kids are calling coke busts these days? Kendrick is pissed that a particular trade didn’t go through. Dave promises they’ll try again this weekend with the same trader – whose name he had taken off the police report – but they’ll have to clear the girl. They’ll need a good lawyer. They are on the right show for that.

Elsewhere, in Frobisher land, an Indian man clad in white walks serenely in front of a giant bush shaped like the mythical clitoris from the South Park movie. Oh, Frobisher. Even your landscape architects are awesome to the extreme.

The mystical Indian man is talking to Frobisher, also clad in white and sitting cross-legged. The mystical Indian tells Frobisher that he isn’t focused. Frobisher says he’s struggling with the upcoming press conference. “Arthur if you want to change the world, first change yourself. Then your part in changing the world is…finished,” the mystical Indian says. Sounds like a good deal to me.

The Indian tells Frobisher that he needs to become more self-centered. “I’m pretty selfish as it is,” Frobisher says, hilariously. The Indian starts spouting rubbish about knowing one’s place in the world and knowing one’s true self. Frobisher closes his eyes. “I may have to have you explain that to me again,” he says.

Speaking of the Frob, Ellen is super pissed at Patty. And Patty ain’t having none of that shit. Ellen yells that Frobisher had her fiancé killed. Good point, there. “Ellen, rage without focus isn’t a strategy,” Patty says. Wait, is that part of her rage-is-a-seed-that-turns-into-a-tree metaphor?

Patty tells Ellen that if they keep Frobisher close, they’ll be more likely to find information linking him to David’s murder. Ellen looks like she’s choking on her own rage tree. “You should have asked me first,” she says. “But I didn’t,” Patty responds, simply.

Next we get an insider’s look into the life of Uncle Pete, who is mixing up some Metamusil for his wife…Magda!! I’m glad that old broad found work after Sex in the City. There probably aren’t a lot of roles for 70-year-old Polish actresses these days. Fricking Hollywood.

Outside of Uncle Pete’s house, two thuggish looking punks stroll up to do some business. Oh, Uncle Pete. If Patty is a millionaire, I’m sure he’s getting a pretty good paycheck. Why is he still running racketeering schemes from his garage?

Uncle Pete goes outside and tells the “fellas” he’ll have another shipment for them next week. Dee and Dum watch this exchange from their car parked down the road. I’m pretty sure one of them is eating a donut, but can’t tell from this distance. Color me unsurprised. The feds watch as one of the thugs hands Uncle Pete an envelope full of cash. “Looks like we found a way in,” says Dum. That’s what she said.

Then we jump to Wes and Ellen, strolling down the street and discussing their latest target practice. Wes shows Ellen her hilariously awful target poster, which features exactly zero bullet holes.

Ellen subscribes to Tiger Beat too!? I wonder if she hung this centerfold on her ceiling next to Zac Efron, the way I did.

“It is your fault if I suck by the way, because you’re supposed to be teaching me,” Ellen tells Wes. I tried that line on my high school math teacher, with poor results. After a little more fun-time gun talk, Wes not-so-subtly moves the conversation over to Ellen’s Frobisher vendetta. She says she’d rather not talk about it. Ooh, swing and a miss for the crazy undercover rookie.

Then Wes decides to ask Ellen out, awkwardly. She puts on her “let’s just be friends” tone, even though you can totally tell she’s trying to check out what’s under his JCrew long sleeve tee (his REAL guns, if you know what I’m saying). Still, she pretty much just shoots him down.

I say go for it, Ellen. Sure, Wes is a sinister, undercover associate of Frobisher’s who sleeps next to a cabinet full of guns and freaky newspaper clippings, but the boy CAN fill out some jeans. Hit that, girl. But she doesn’t, and Wes walks away, sadly.

Later, Ellen and Katie are hanging out together (they got over their bitch fight?) looking over a newspaper article about the Missing Mustache Cop (we, of course, all know his true fate). Katie realizes that by filing a complaint with internal affairs, she signaled an alarm that led to Mustache Cop’s “Missing” status. Then she’s all ‘oops. My bad.’ And Ellen’s like, ‘dude, I told you, dumbass.’ But they still agree to be friends forever and keep looking for David’s killer through Patty’s firm. All’s forgiven, hugs and kisses!

Ellen also tells Katie that the Mustache Cop moonlighted for a security firm called Call to Protective Services, and they’re still determining what kind of work they did there. I suspect it was of a nefarious nature.

Elsewhere, Frobisher is still meditating in his garden of peace when who should appear but your favorite cop killer and mine, Grizzly Kurt. “What the hell are you doing here?” Frobisher asks. No one is excited to see their past hit men. Sure, you keep them on your Christmas card mailing list, but that doesn’t mean they can just show up unannounced during your special meditation time.

Grizzly tells Frobisher to pull out of the lawsuit and stop all contact with Patty Hewes. He’s all cryptic and mysterious. “You need to be very careful right now. You don’t want to be in the spotlight.” But the spotlight is where Frobisher excels! Oh, how it shines so on his glistening white hair!

Grizzly tells Frobisher that Katie Connor is back in the picture. Frobisher’s all “No, I’m through with that.” Seriously, that was so last season, Grizzly. Try to keep up.

“Why won’t anyone believe that I’ve changed? Can’t you see my Wise Man Cane? And look, I wear all white now! This wardrobe clearly signifies that I am the OPPOSITE of evil!”

Grizzly says that the decision to commit murder was Frobisher’s. “Once you go down this road, there’ s no turning back,” he says. “Watch me,” Frobisher replies, and indeed he does turn around and walk away in a very symbolic and dramatic gesture. And watch him Grizzly does. Oh yes, he does.

Busty defends the Douche Trader’s hooker, here all cleaned up but still kind of hooker-looking. Busty uses her cunning lawyer ways and gets the hooker off on with probation, but you can tell she’s kind of pissed to be doing this. She’s a busy lady, Busty. She doesn’t have time for hookers with coke problems. Now surly waiters with snake tattoos, that’s another story…

As the hooker pleads guilty to the offense and accepts the probation, we see a sneaky Tommy Shays slipping in the back of the room. He gets his ‘hmmm’ face on. Or maybe Tate Donovan is just ‘smell the fart’ acting, as Joey Tribiane used to say.

Later Busty goes to see Kendrick on the roof of his penthouse. He asks her what he should do with his grandchildren for the rest of the week. “There’s a reason I don’t have children,” Busty says. “Take them to a movie, that will shut em up.” Ha. It’s hard not to like Busty.

Then she asks Kendrick what she was doing defending a hooker all day. “I won’t ask a favor like this again,” Kendrick says. Busty says that it will look bad pulling stunts like this in the middle of a major lawsuit. Then she switches gears, telling Kendrick that he lawsuit will be long and drawn-out, and he needs to get his stock prices up. Kendrick says he’s on top of it.

Then we’re déjà vu with Freaky Darrell Hammond, accepting yet another set of mysterious coordinates from Kendrick via a limo window. “We gotta try again. The trader screwed up,” Kendrick says as he passes the new paper along. Freaky Darrell sighs. Crimin’ ain’t easy.

Tommy enters Patty’s office and brings to her attention the fact that Busty was defending a hooker, and that the John’s name was blacked out of the police report. Patty tells him to run down the hooker and get the name. Tommy’s all ‘Yes!

Finally, an assingment I can really get into.’ (Pun intended.)

Back in the Cadillac, Freaky Darrell enters the new coordinates into the GPS system. Cut to the next day, when we see Douche Trader get into the same Cadillac – his signature techno soundtrack a blarin’ – and write the coordinates down onto a pad of paper.

Seriously, is this the least complicated method of communicating information Kendrick could think of? Couldn’t they have just floated a paper airplane with the information written on it into the Douche Trader’s pile of coke? He would have definitely found it there. This is like in a Bond movie when the villain’s elaborately designed schemes prove to be their ultimate undoing. Or it’s just another way to fit a Cadillac into at least 7 scenes per episode.

Then we cut to the press conference, where Patty stands in front of a bunch of journalists and calls Arthur Frobisher “a great American,” “with character and resolve” “who is by nature a builder.” Frobisher mouths the words behind her.

“See where my hand is on your back? That’s aboooout where I plan on sticking the knife three episodes from now. Just thought I’d give you the heads up.”

Then Frobisher stands up and gives a speech about Kendrick and greed and morality. It is, needless to say, glorious.

Back at the office, Tommy is using company time to look up high-end porn sites. It’s all very business-like and professional, but I note that due to creative camera angles, we can’t really TELL that his pants are still on under his desk…anyhow, he tracks down ‘Susie,’ the blonde hooker who was busted with Douche Trader. It says right on her web page that she’s a 32C. Cah-lassy.

Best. Assignment. Ever.

Then we cut to Tommy hanging out in a hotel room with a hooker who is not Susie at all, but a less coked-out one with brown hair. She starts to play with his tie seductively, but he’s all “I just want to talk.” While staring at her rack. She immediately gets annoyed until he hands her an envelope full of money.

Then Tommy starts asking questions about Susie and her regulars. The hooker says she doesn’t talk about other clients. Tommy gets out another wad of cash, and the hooker starts spilling. It’s nice to see a hooker with a good business sense and none of that pesky morality stuff. The Douche Trader’s name is Finn Garrity, and apparently he’s a creep, according to the woman who then slowly begins to take her top off. Tommy starts to go. “Wait, you’re all paid up,” the hooker says. Tommy stops, contemplates.

Still-angry Ellen enters Patty’s office. Patty explains that they had to file the lawsuit against UNR to get their hands on company documents that might explain Kendrick’s real motives for the merger. Then Uncle Pete comes in with some pastries from his wife. “Didn’t know you were married,” Ellen says like it’s an accusation. “Almost 60 years,” Uncle Pete says and leaves.

Ellen holds her pastry far, far away from the place in her head where food should go. She’s only putting things with at least a 6 percent alcohol content near that gaping hole lately.

Ellen asks how long Patty’s known Uncle Pete. “Since I was a kid,” Patty says. “He’s my mother’s brother and the most loyal man I know.”

Unfortunately, Uncle Pete’s business associates aren’t so loyal. The two thugs he gave money to before are standing in front of a van full of hot DVDs, trying to sell them to two other thug looking guys (one of whom, if any of you care, played Danny Santos on Guiding Light during my formative high school years. Aaaahhh, Danny Santos….)

The thugs agree to a deal on the stolen merchandise. Everything’s going swimmingly and then, bam! Danny Santos and Thug number three pull out guns and badges. That’s the second bust in this episode.

Later, Dee and Dum watch as one of the busted thugs goes to Uncle Pete in a barber shop and hands him the money. The thug totally turned on him. Dee and Dum, getting out of the car and doing the first real police work I’ve seen in 7 episodes, go and arrest Uncle Pete. Bringing down an 80-year old man. Don’t worry, ladies – the streets are now safe with these fine officers of the law on the case.

Later Dee and Dum are interrogating Uncle Pete. I’m not sure what their strategy is – they both seem to be playing the bad cop role. Either that, or they really are just bad cops. And I don’t mean the cool, Michael Jackson kind of ‘bad.’

Then they offer Uncle Pete a deal – he can either go to jail for ten years and be away from his sick, dying wife, or he can help get them incriminating info on Patty Hewes. “Sorry fellas, I’ve got nothing for you,” Uncle Pete says all stoic-like.

“Pete, I understand, but you’re going to have to screw somebody. Who’s it gonna be?” Dum says. “How long do you think Stefanya’s got left to live anyway?” Dee asks, contemplatively. Dude, that is coooold. Uncle Pete says he has evidence against Patty. Oh, Uncle Pete.

“And I would have got away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

“Did you have fun with your hooker?” Patty asks Tommy in his office. Yes, that is the question. “Hey I was home by ten,” Tommy says. Dude, speed is nothing to brag about in these instances. Then Tommy tells Patty about Finn Garrity, apparently some genius Wall Street exec who trades exclusively in…energy commodities. I know this should all be coming together to make some sort of sense, but so far I’ve got….energy commodities. Little help in the comments, please?

Then we cut to Douche Trader himself, snorting some coke and listening to some techno while a hooker waits behind him. Dude, you’re abusing the stereotype. He takes off his pants and then enters some data into a laptop. I believe that was a trade of some sort, going through.

Dave is walking and talking to Kendrick on the phone. “We’re good. The trade went through,” he says. Kendrick, pleased, hangs up and sits down to a meal with his grandkids.

“Hey kids – Grandpa just destroyed another rain forest! Who’s up for some Werthers-flavored ice cream?” “Yaaaay!!!”

In her office, Patty tells Ellen that they scoured Frobisher’s financial records and found nothing directly linking him to David’s murder. However, they did find that he used a high-end security team: Call to Protective Services, the same firm Mustache Cop worked for.

Wes gets into a car with Grizzly Kurt, who starts filling him in on Dee and Dum, or special agents Randall Harrison and L.J. Warner. I like the names I gave them better. They just roll off the tongue. Wes says that Ellen’s a lawyer, and there could be a thousand reasons why she’s meeting with the FBI.

Wes says he can’t get her to talk about the missing cop or Frobisher stuff. This does not please Grizzly. “Maybe I should take you off this thing, stick you someplace else,” he says. Wes says he has to step back and let Ellen come to him. “If Parsons isn’t talking, we’ll have to try someone else,” Grizzly says. “Katie Connor.” Oh boy. Does that girl have “weak link” tattooed on her forehead?

At the bar, Ellen tells Katie about the new lead Patty discovered. Then she looks up and sees Wes across the bar. What a…coincidence? She hails him over.

A few drinks later, Katie is explaining about the boyfriend she just broke up with. What a…coincidence? Wes laughs at her non-witticisms. Ellen’s phone rings and she leaves Katie with Wes. Bad move, lady. Never leave a hot man with your wing woman if your wing woman is, well, Katie Connor.

It’s either Dee or Dum on the phone, telling Ellen that they arrested Pete. Just wanted to give her a heads up. Then she looks over and sees Katie in full-on cleavage-thrusting mode with Wes. Ruh-roh.

Later, Dee and Dum enter Uncle Pete’s cozy little home where Stefanya is waiting on the couch. Uncle Pete is getting the key to a storage unit where his evidence against Patty is supposedly held.

Stefanya is adorable, offering Dee a strawberry while Dum follows Uncle Pete to get the key. Uncle Pete says he’s gotta “hit the can.” Dum tells him to leave the door open. Uncle Pete’s all ‘I’m too old for this shit.’

Dum and Stefanya are having a nice conversation when Uncle Pete comes out, gives Stefanya her medication and a kiss on the head, and then leaves with the friendly, blackmailing FBI agents.

Dee and Dum drive Uncle Pete to the storage unit and get out to check out the “evidence” box. Uncle Pete stands in the doorway. Meanwhile, we see Stefanya, watching an infomercial at home and reaching for her medication. She has run out, so she goes to the bathroom for a refill. There’s a note taped to the mirror.

Dee and Dum get out the trunk and open it. It’s empty.

Stefanya sifts through the bathroom wastebasket, finds empty pill bottles.

At the storage unit, Pete collapses.

We see the note Pete left Stefanya – it reads:

Oh, Pete.

Next week: hospitals and attacks of conscience. Fun, fun, fun!