Damages: I Lied, Too

****One of our favorite shows is back on TV with a vengeance! Please welcome Linds with Damages!!

Damages is back and look who’s got her big girl pants on? It’s little Ellen Parsons, all grown up and still working for Patty Hewes, although this time she’s working undercover with the FBI to take Patty down from the inside…I give her three episodes before that brilliant plan blows up in her face.

Glenn Close will make a coat out of you, woman. RUN!

Last season, Ellen Parsons meets Patty Hewes and takes a job at her top law firm, with perks including fancy doors, a nice title, and the occasional dog knifing and early-morning assassin wake-up call. Ellen joins the case against Arthur Frobisher, who defrauded his own employees out of millions (without even mussing up those glistening white tresses) and soon gets in over her head- losing her job, getting back her job, and then losing for good her floppy-haired doctor fiancé. At season’s end, Ellen discovers that Patty tried to have her killed for knowing too much, but instead of skipping town like a sane person she decides to team up with the FBI to take Patty down from the inside, which, given what I’ve seen of season two promos, seems to be aboooout as dumb an idea as it sounds.

We open up on Ellen’s face, looking 30 percent more bad-ass than last season (that is, if bad-assness is measured in excessive dark eyeliner), taking a sip from a tumbler full of something that is definitely not apple cider (or if it is, then I knock her bad-ass quotient back down to 20 percent).

Ellen looks just behind the camera to someone we can’t see and smiles sadly. “What’s the matter? You shouldn’t be scared,” she says. Somehow, I don’t believe her. Never trust anyone with more than three coats of black eye shadow, that’s my motto.

And I’m right, because the next thing, Ellen’s getting up and saying “Actually, I take that back. You should be scared. You should be terrified.” See what I mean?!?

I call this eye shade “Mauve Madness.” I wear it when I’m feeling homicidal.

Ellen continues, “It would be so much easier if you said the words.” Then, in a very Patty Hewes-esque move, she fakes looking distracted and says that she can’t remember the name of the mellow, old-timey song playing in the background. Then, it’s down to business. “All I want you to do is tell the truth,” she says again to the mysterious person or persons off-screen. “But I know that can be hard for you, so I brought something that I thought might help.”

She reaches down to pull something out of her bag, and given the history of this show I half expect it to be a dead cocker spaniel or something. But no, it’s small and silver and shaped like a…vibrator? Oh. No, it’s a gun. Excuuuse me for going to a happy place first.

“And who knows, maybe the truth will set you free.” Ellen waves the gun around a little and then we go to a title card reading “6 MONTHS EARLIER.”

Oh shit, here we go….

Wait, we’re Live with Regis and Kelly? Well, that’s…not so bad. The studio audience is cheering, the Reg looks dapper. And then they invite out their “good friend,” Patty Hewes. And here she comes, with a flattering suit and soft, more flowing hair, and goes straight up to hug the Reg. Regis opens right up by asking how much Patty made in the Frobisher case, and Patty laughs, playing along. But after last season, I’ve learned that a Patty smile is more frightening than a Patty snarl. Why? Well, it’s a little something I picked up from Tyra Banks….

Not smiling with the eyes

Patty jokes around with Regis and Kelly in her classy way. Kelly asks about Frobisher. “He’s a pretty wealthy guy, right?” And Patty comes right back with, “Not anymore.” Zing! I half expect her to make three snaps in the air and throw her hair over her shoulder. Haaaay. I like feisty talk-show Patty.

Then Patty says that she’s going to use a good portion of the money to set up a foundation to fight hunger in NYC. No, seriously. And that’s what a good portion of this episode will be about. No, seriously.

Patty then mentions her partner in the charity, “good friend” (poor bastard) Sam Arsenault. A pic of the Samster pops up on screen. Then Patty goes on to drop the bomb – she isn’t taking on any more cases because the charity is taking up all of her time. Can this be true? Are Patty’s dog-killing days really behind her? Or is she just pulling the wool over Regis’ fabulous eyes?

Smiling everywhere

Then Patty gives props to her team and mentions Ellen. “Isn’t she standing in the wings?” Regis asks, and then we pan over to see Ellen, who is in fact standing right there, and smiles and walks out onstage. “Ellen’s been with the firm not even a year, and I can tell you we would be absolutely lost without her.” She claps and Ellen smiles, and they try to hide their “bitch, I will cut you,” faces when they look at each other in front of a studio audience.

Now we see Ellen walking down the street. She’s not as bad-ass looking as she was in the opening, but her hair is still wavy the way it was post-prison stint, which signals that the naïve Ellen of yore may be gone for good. And yes, this new, slightly improved, but still not-all-that-bright Ellen gets into a shiny car with two FBI agents in the front seat.

“That woman is full of shit,” she says. “A month ago she tried to kill me and now she’s acting like my best friend.”

The humorless agents, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee (I can’t actually be bothered to remember their names), tell Ellen that the FBI is putting together a fake case for Patty to take, and they want Ellen to pitch it to her. It’s a set-up, and they’ll use Ellen to monitor Patty from the inside. Ellen wants to start right away, but Dee and Dum tell her to hold her britches. These things take time (seriously? Just follow the woman for a few days and wait until she gets the urge to knife down a four-legged creature. Can’t be that hard.)

“You just want to arrest Patty Hewes,” Ellen says. “And you don’t?” Dee asks.

“I want to destroy her.” Yeah, good luck with that one. Frustrated, Ellen gets out of the car.

After the credit sequence, we see a brightly lit field, full of happy yellow weeds and sunshine and…blood? Yes, that’s a trail of blood, followed by legs, followed by the body of….Frobisher! He’s still in the field where he was shot? Man, that sucks. He’s dragging himself through the field slowly until he looks up and sees a house. From out of nowhere, an attack dog runs up at him and is stopped by a chain (seriously, what is it with this show and dogs? I’m officially opening up my own investigation).

What did I do to deserve- oh….right

Frobisher stands up and walks to the steps of the house, until the door is kicked open and he looks up in fear. It’s Ellen, standing in fishing boots and looking bad-ass again, this time in a more woodsman-y way.

“Oh no,” Frobisher says, and Ellen looks at him expressionless.

Then we cut to Ellen later, sitting in a room.”Revenge fantasies are normal,” a voice says. Psyche! The voice belongs to a woman in a yellow scarf, leading a support group in a dingy room with a dozen or so sad sack-looking people.

“Ellen, how about you? Have you had anymore revenge fantasies about the man that you think killed your fiance?”

We go back to Frobisher and Ellen in front of the imaginary house, where she cocks her rifle and shoots him in the chest, over and over.

“Nothing comes to mind,” she says. Liar, liar, big girl pants on fire.

Patty is in her office, talking with old man Pete, who asks if he should continue to follow Ellen, who now lives in a hotel. “Are you sure you can trust her?” Pete asks. Patty just looks at him, playing with her nails. Man, Glenn Close is amazing. She says it’s all in the past, but then at last minute adds, “fine, watch her. I’m concerned about her well-being.” Tommy walks into the room, looking dapper in an off-white suit (I think of the Colonel, and now want some KFC, but maybe that’s just me.) He starts to badger Patty about now trying a case. She pretty much blows him off, and looks into space.

We cut to a balding dude in glasses, walking down a hallway as ominous music sounds. He’s a new player (I miss the classy Southern charm of one Mr. Ray Fisk.) The man is heading towards a boardroom, where three suited guys are discussing “findings that could come out next month.” The glasses man, who is addressed as Mr. Purcell by a secretary, barges into the office, looking right pissed. He holds up a folder. “This isn’t my work,” he says.

“Mr. Purcell, calm down,” says the main suit. “This is horse shit,” Purcell continues. Strong words. Followed by stronger actions. Purcell reaches down and wipes off all of the documents from the conference table onto the floor. There, that’ll show ‘em. Nothing gets your point across like acting like a 3-year-old on a McNugget high.

Take that, evil corporate documents of evil!

Actually, no one seems impressed.

“This ends today, do you hear me?” Purcell says. The suit just looks at him. This sounds like a job for….Patty Hewes! Oh wait, she’s busy with some charity shit or something….

Speak of the devil (literally), Patty walks into Ellen’s office for an update on the charity. “With any luck we can start doing some good,” Patty says. “That’s the general idea,” Ellen says, blithely. Watch the sarcasm, girl. Patty sees when you are sleeping, she knows when you’re awake…

Patty closes Ellen’s office door. “You think I’m just creating this to clear my conscience,” she says, sitting down. “Why would you need to clear your conscience?” Ellen asks. Patty brings up what they did to win the Frobisher case (i.e. blackmailing Ray Fisk into suicide, for all of you slow learners out there.) Ellen says her conscience is clear about that and the two women stare at each other for a moment. If fake-polite looks could kill…Patty asks how Ellen is doing, using her best matronly tone. Ellen says she’d rather not talk about it, and work’s the best thing for her right now. Patty asks about the Frobisher investigation and David’s murder, and Ellen explains that Frobisher was in critical condition after the shooting and is now in an unknown hospital. No one can find him.

No one except us, that is, because the next thing we see is the walls of a hospital room, followed by hands adjusting an IV drip, followed by…Santa Claus! Oh wait, no, that’s Frobisher, lying in a bed and sporting a full-on, glorious white beard. Man, getting shot in the gut and losing 2 billion dollars did not do this dude much good. Frobisher talks to his only friend, a doctor he calls Rudy, telling him he feels “like shit.” The good doc Rudy gives him some ice chips. “You don’t know who I am do you?” Frob says. “I’m the most hated man in America, and you’re being nice to me.” He looks like he’s going to cry. Oh, Frobisher. I’ve missed you so.

Look what they’ve done to my glorious chin!! Bastards!!

Patty is walking through her office on her cell, cajoling a senator into being on her charity board. She runs into Ellen, who tells her there’s a problem – Sam Arsenault is backing out of the charity, withdrawing his entire contribution. Patty looks piiiisssssed. I don’t smell good things for Sam Arsenault’s future.

Sure enough, next we see Patty walking beside the Samster in his office as he makes small-talk. “Girls today could learn something from you, Patty,” Sam says. “You know how to wear a skirt.” Oh, this dude has no idea how hard he’s going down, just for that comment. Patty laughs. “But you’re one of the boys, always have been,” he continues. “Well, except for the vagina,” Patty says. Patty is rocking the off-color jokes this episode.

Down to business. Sam explains that the Republican party is going to back him for governor, so he has to back out of the charity because “the elephants” don’t like Patty. Patty mentally puts elephants on her “animals to kill” list and I worry for the gentle beasts of the Sahara. Patty asks why Sam is really backing out.

“Let me tell you a story,” Sam says. I hope it involves unicorns and a happy ending.

But no, it’s your basic ‘dude, this one time I got a blow job under the desk while settling a merger case story,’ and who doesn’t hear THAT three times a day. Patty is similarly unimpressed. “The point is, in the 80s, we all did shit like that,” he continues. (Actually I was more into playing Atari, but whatev.) “Why did I do it? Because I’m an asshole? Because I feel powerful?” He asks. “No, I don’t give a shit about power. I did it because I wanted to see if I could get away with it.” Patty, who ordinarily keeps her facial expressions under strict control, cannot keep the “you are a total tool,” look from her face, and I don’t blame her. She tells him he’s making a big mistake. I cannot help but agree.

Mr. Arsenault’s fresh-faced daughter Lily comes in and says hello to Patty, then says she just saw her devil-spawn Michael at a college admissions event. Sam says that Lily’s heading to Yale. Patty makes small talk, but I can see the dialogue in her eyes. And she’s saying “I’ll get you, Sam, and your little dog, er, girl, too.” Dun dun duhnnn.

Pete brings a duct-taped box into Patty’s room, saying it was hand-delivered. It’s a bomb! JK, that was last season. Patty asks Pete to open it (nice), and inside are a bunch of documents. Patty starts looking through them, and the phone rings. It’s Daniel Purcell (the aforementioned paper thrower). “Danny Purcell? When’s the last time you talked to him?” Pete asks (I love how he makes everyone sound like they’re 12-years old – Danny, Tommy. Pete’s so awesome.) Patty says it’s been 10 years, at least.

Daniel says the package was from him. He’s calling from a phone booth, and says Patty’s the only one he can trust. Dude, that’s just unfortunate. He asks her to keep the box safe and then hangs up. Scary music plays. Drama!

Big Britches Ellen is back with Dee and Dum, talking about the fake case they want Patty to take, which centers on infant mortality. “Built in social cause. Persuasive lead plaintive. Billions in damages at the end of the rainbow,” Dee says. Ellen says it’s right up Patty’s alley. The perfect bait, in the form of dead babies. This show is such an upper.

Do you like this expression? It’s the only one I own.

We cut to Ellen and Tom, who is still desperately trying to pitch new cases to Patty, who’s barely paying attention. That’s when Tom throws in the game-winning play and pitches the new (it’s a trap!!) case from Ellen.

“I think she found a grand slam,” Tom says. A grand slam? Hotcakes, eggs and bacon from iHOP? “Infant mortality.” Oh.

They explain that the case focuses on low-income mothers who are being forced into natural child labor from their HMOs, and the result is more babies dying. Patty looks intrigued. Ellen tries not to look nervous. “I truly believe that this is the one. There are people in need here, there are people we can help,” Tom says. Yes, but are there any potential dogs we can kill? Okay, last dog-death-related joke, I swear.

Tom leaves the room, and Patty throws the file down on the table. “You’re not even going to read it, Patty? Come on,” Ellen says. Patty throws her flailing foundation out as an excuse. Ellen asks about Purcell’s cardboard box that’s sitting on the desk. Patty says it’s personal. “And the last time I checked, we’re in my office.” Take that, Big Britches.

We’re back in the support group. Timothy Olyphant, sporting two days of stubble and a whole lotta hotness, is talking. “So I find the guy, just lying there, still drunk,” he says. So far I like where this is going… “So I took a few steps back, like I’m going to kick a field goal, and I kick his head right under his chin.” Dude. “And his head snaps back, and the back of his head smacks between his shoulder blades, so I kick him again, and again, over and over and I’m wondering, how many kicks is it going to take before his head rips off?” Issues much?

Man, this whole episode is oh-for-two on the storytelling front. Where’s my goddamn unicorn?

Then Olyphant, who we find out is named Wes, explains that it was only a dream. Yellow scarf asks Ellen if she’s had any dreams this week. Ellen says she can’t sleep, and Wes says, “her fiancé was murdered a month ago, how’s she supposed to sleep?” Ah, so he’s the knight-in-shining-armor type. Violent and possibly deranged, but still.

“Cheap coffee will eff you up, for realz.”

Speaking of sleeping (please note my quality segue way), we cut to Patty dozing on her couch. Idiot bomber Jed himself walks up on her and sees her struggling in her sleep. Flashback to Patty with shorter hair, at the beach house, ordering the murder of Ellen on her cell phone (just like ordering from Dominos, only with faster delivery time and worse follow-through). Present-tense Patty wakes up gasping. Michael asks if she’s okay, and she lies and says she is.

New scene, new folk. Daniel Purcell is sleeping in a bed with his wife, when his young daughter walks in and says that she hears someone down in the living room. Daniel gets up to investigate, which seems like a dumb move to me (I’m much more of a hide-under-the-bed type). Mrs. Purcell and spawn wait in the bedroom. Daniel makes his way through the house as ominous music plays. He picks up a fire poker (why is it always a fire poker? Does anyone actually use a fire poker to poke fire, or is their actual purpose just to wave in the face of intruders?) and heads into the kitchen.

Through the glass door we see a scary-looking figure in a hooded sweatshirt, staring back in at him. It’s legitimately freaky. Purcell holds up the poker and the hooded figure takes off. I repeat, Dun Dun Dunnnnhhhh!

“I’ll kill you, you sunofabitch!” Daniel yells. His wife tells him that the intruder was in his office.

Next we see Sam Arsenault’s face. “You hear about Lily?” He asks into a headpiece. “God, Sam, I am so sorry,” says a voice on the other line, belonging to one Patty Hewes. We see her in her office, holding a New York Post with Lily behind escorted away by police on the cover, under a headline that reads, “Say it ain’t snow!” Ha, ha. I love the Post. Sam is freaking out. “The one time she tries cocaine she gets arrested and splashed all over the front pages,” he says. Double ha ha. Parents just don’t understand.

Patty asks how she can help, and Sam asks her to call the DA and get the charges dropped. He brings up the charity, and Patty tells him not to mention it. “God no, Sam, I would never hold you hostage like that,” she says (except for right now, when I’m kind of holding you hostage like that). She says she’ll see what she can do. “No need to thank me, Sam. This is family.” Man, Patty is awesome. It’s nice to see her putting her evil to good use like this.

Pete goes into Ellen’s office and tells her that Frobisher is at the River Edge Clinic, but the room number is still off-limits to anyone but family. Pete tells Ellen to give it time, and she’ll get her shot to prosecute Frobisher. Ellen looks unconvinced.

Speaking of Frobisher, old beard-y himself is lying in his hospital bed. Doctor Rudy asks if they ever found the guy who shot him, and Frobisher says no, it was complicated. “I tell you, though, that bullet was like a wake-up call for me, Rudy.” You know what I prefer as a wake-up call? A good Grand Slam breakfast from iHop, heavy on the melted butter. None of this bullets and dead babies nonsense. Frobisher goes on. “Most people out there thought I was a real asshole.” He mentions his family, who it seems haven’t come to visit him since his wake-up bullet. It seems his wife called just that morning and wants to visit.

Doctor Rudy goes to shave the beard, and Frobisher starts to flip out. He cries, and his heart monitor rises. “I don’t want her to see me like this! I’m pissing myself Ernie, I can’t even eat solid food!” Dude, I thought his name was Rudy? You totally just called him Ernie. Ernie/Rudy tells Frobisher to relax. After a moment’s pause, Frobisher’s heart monitor becomes normal and he changes tactics. He decides he’d rather not shave, and he asks the doc to put his tubes back up his nose for when his wife comes. Nice move, Frob.

Purcell is taking out the trash and his wife is sitting on the steps. She says the alarm people are going to come tomorrow. Then she says that Daniel has to make a decision. “If that company is making people sick, you have to stop them.”

Support-Group-O-Laughs. “You think that I’m not grieving,” Ellen asks, wearing designer clothes and lipstick in a basement room full of Styrofoam coffee cups. Yellow scarf woman, here without the yellow scarf, is concerned that Ellen is clinging to David’s killer. As she drones on about healthy revenge, Ellen clenches her hand into a fist and scary music plays. “Let me ask you something,” Yellow Scarf says. “What do you think would make you feel better?” Ellen thinks. “Seeing David again. And you know what, that’s not gonna happen.” She gets up to go. Olyphant watches her go. Ellen does her sad-girl walk down the street.

Elsewhere in Manhattan, Patty leaves her apartment to take her dog for a walk. A man, accompanied by scary music, walks up behind her. He calls her name. It’s Daniel Purcell. He needs to talk to her. They sit in a car, and Daniel says he needs Patty’s help, that he’s in trouble. Patty, totally humoring him, asks what kind of trouble. He explains that he has information and is being threatened. He wants protection. Patty gets impatient. “How is any of this my problem?” She asks. Daniel must not sufficiently answer that question, because she totally shuts him down. “Goddammit I need you,” Daniel says. Patty looks at him. “Too bad.” She doesn’t mince words, that one. Patty goes to get out of the car and Daniel grabs her, saying “Don’t you turn your back on me. You owe me.” Dumbass. “I owe you nothing,” Patty says. Her eyes shoot fire. She gets out of the car and slams the door.

You, sir, are one more facial expression away from death

Ellen is downing whisky up at a bar. Olyphant comes up behind her, making some crack about joining AA next. Ellen asks him to leave her alone, that she’s done with therapy. She asked if he followed her. (Smooth move, Olyphant.) He says it was only 15 blocks. Yeah, that’s not less creepy. “Yeah, well I’m not interested,” she says, just in case her completely off-putting body language and scary black nail polish weren’t man-repelling signals enough. “In what?” He asks. “In you. And whatever bullshit line you’re gonna feed me.”

On any other show, I’d say that this dude was just trying to get into her pants, but on Damages he’s been in three scenes and already I think he’s got an agenda. Was he planted in group therapy to keep an eye on her? To gain her trust? This show is making me paranoid, man. Olyphant slides over keys and says Ellen left them on her chair. Oh. Awkward.



Then Olyphant talks about his girlfriend, who was run over by a drunk driver. Ellen asks if he knows where the driver is. In jail, it seems. Olyphant tells Ellen he knows how she’s feeling, but she has either two choices, forgiveness or revenge. She asks which one he chose, and he said neither, yet. “Take it easy, Parsons.” Ooooh, he’s smooth. I hope he gets into somebody’s pants this season.

Patty is looking through the cardboard box tiles, when she hears a shot. She jumps, and sees the dead body of Ray Fisk against her office wall. It’s jarring to say the least. “I’m over here,” a voice says. And it’s Raaaaaaay! In subconscious-haunting form! Patty looks fuh-reaked. Ellen sees her crying through the window. “Come on, Patty, a charity?” Ray asks. “Hungry children ain’t gonna cut it. You want to make amends, start by telling the truth and confess to Ellen what you did to her.” Invisible Ray disappears as Ellen walks in the room to check on Patty.

“We need to talk,” Patty says. “Not in the office. It’s personal.” They agree to meet at a bar. “It’s about you, and the Frobisher case. I didn’t explain everything that happened,” Patty says.

The island magic brought me back. Oh wait, what show is this again?

Ellen goes right back to Dee and Dum and tells them she wants to wear a wire for the meeting with Patty. She talks them into recording the conversation about the Frobisher case. “Her guilt is eating at her,” Ellen says. Dee and Dum agree to the plan.

Daniel Purcell is looking out over the water. A man comes up beside him. It’s the main suit guy from the office. “You ready to be reasonable,” the suit asks. Ominous music.

And now, for some exposition, we go back to Patty and Pete. Patty is holding the cardboard box of documents and explains to Pete that Purcell was doing some sort of chemical analysis. She asks to get the box to “our guy at Colombia.” The phone rings, it appears Sam Arsenault is on his way up.

Doctor Rudy/Ernie leads an unseen individual into Frobisher’s hospital room, saying “this is going to do him a world of good.” Frobisher’s on pain medication, unconscious. The doctor addresses the mystery guest as Mrs. Frobisher, and then smiles at…Ellen. Who goes and locks the hospital room door. She stares at Frobisher, bearded and unconscious. She has flashbacks to when Floppy-hair proposed to her, and then stares at Frobisher some more. She hears Olyphant’s voice talking about forgiveness and revenge, and tears form in her eyes. Frobisher stirs.

Ellen is leaving the hospital room, and we hear a beeping that sounds like a heart monitor flatlining. But it’s just the musical score, confusing us. Frobisher wakes up and is fine. The doctor walks in and Frobisher asks “is she here yet?”

Sam Arsenault is telling Patty that the charges couldn’t be dropped. His campaign is dead in the water. The elephants are apparently backing another horse. A lot of weird, Animal Kingdom imagery going on this episode…Sam brings up the foundation, practically begs Patty to be let back in. Patty says she already promised away the naming rights. “It can’t be the Arsenault-Hewes Foundation?” he asks. Patty says no. “I wish I could help you,” she adds. “There’s got to be something I could do,” Sam says.

Cut to the foundation’s gala, now named “Hewes/Arsenault Foundation,” where Patty explains to the press that Sam “generously decided to double our endowment.” Ha.

Michael comes up and greets his mom, looks at Sam. “Look at him celebrating while his daughter’s being sent to juvie,” he says. “I told you she was a cokehead.” “Yeah, yeah you did,” Patty says. Double ha.

Tom and Ellen come up to congratulate Patty, ask her if she plans on taking a case now. She says she likes the infant mortality case. “Nice find, Ellen. It’s a great case.” Daniel and his wife come up to say hello to Patty. Daniel apologizes about the other night, says he doesn’t want to drag Patty into his situation, and he can handle it himself. He asks for the materials back from Patty. She says she’ll send them and he hands her a business card with his home address. “I promise you’ll never have to see me again.”

Ellen is walking down the streets alone at night, again. Seriously, for someone who has people try to kill her every other episode, she’s not the brightest tool in the shed. Sure enough, someone comes up behind her and says, “Hey!” It’s Olyphant. “Jesus!” Ellen yells. She asks if he’s stalking him now. He says no, but evidence points to the contrary. He says he was just concerned and gives her a phone number, telling her to ask for Frank. Apparently, Frank is a gun dealer. Awesome, just what this show needs. More firearms.

“I’ve been thinking about this whole revenge thing,” Ellen says. “It’s not me, it’s not who I am.” Tell that to the FBI. But she doesn’t.

Seriously, I’m not crazy. Why won’t you belieeeeeve meeeeee?

Instead, she goes to the FBI to get a shiny new cell phone recording device. “You don’t want to talk too much. That’s the biggest mistake people make, when they get nervous, they talk.” Not me, I just drop more f-bombs. Makes for some awkward job interviews…Ellen says she understands and tells Dee and Dum to relax.

Ellen sits at a table in the bar, and clicks the “on” button for her new recording cell phone toy. Patty comes up and remarks about the wine Ellen bought. “So you wanted to tell me something,” Ellen says. I know she thinks she’s being smooth, but I just have this gut feeling that Patty can see right through her bad-girl eyeliner routine.

Patty says that she didn’t explain everything during the Frobisher case. “It’s important for you to know this,” she says. “I want to apologize.” “Apologize for what?” Ellen asks. Patty begins. “The weekend after Fisk committed suicide, his death had a profound effect on me. It pushed me to a place that I had never been to before. I became too emotional. I was afraid of being exposed, of losing the case. I lost control. I had to leave the city.” We flash back to Patty leaving Ellen in the apartment.

“You said you went to visit family?” Ellen asks. Patty says that wasn’t exactly true, and we flash back to Patty driving through the grave.

“Years ago, I had a child. I’ve never told anyone,” Patty says. “The baby was um, unhealthy. The doctor said it was stillborn. It was a little girl. I named her Julia.”

See, it’s at this point that Ellen should be shitting her new Big Girl pants. She just happens to feed Patty a case about infant mortality, supposedly not knowing that Patty once had a stillborn daughter? Of course Patty should smell something awful cooking. She knoooooowwws. But Ellen, Dumbass-in-training, just nods in sympathy at the story.

“Sometimes I think, if she’d lived, I’d be another person,” Patty says. Patty then explains that the attacker in her apartment who went after Ellen that morning was actually after her, Patty. “I wish to god it had been me,” she says. Then, the kicker, “I want you to know, that if my daughter had survived, if Julie had lived, I’d want her to be just like you.”

Ellen, understandably, looks freaked instead of touched by this announcement.

Ellen gets into the FBI car, while Patty sits in hers, looking stately and devilish as ever. Oh yeah, she totally knows. The phone rings and Patty answers it.

Ellen tells the FBI guys she was wrong, that she only got more lies. Dee and Dum tell her these things take time, and Ellen says she doesn’t have time.

Patty gets out of her car with police lights flashing in the background. She walks up to the Purcell house and enters the kitchen. She stops in the doorway of the kitchen, bracing herself against the frame and looking down, shocked. I know it’s going to be a body down there, but still hope for some other discover. A chest full of gold doubloons? But no, it’s a body. It’s Daniel Purcell’s wife, strangled and lifeless on his kitchen floor.

Non-recurring character

Daniel stumbles into the kitchen, holding a head wound. “Now will you help me?” He asks. I don’t trust him, which is shocking, I know.

Back in the FBI car, Dee and Dum tell Ellen it could take two or three years to bring Patty down, but I predict we’ll have some sort of resolution in 13 episodes.

Card: 6 MONTHS LATER

Back to the closeup of bad-ass Ellen, talking again to the mysterious stranger off-camera. “So it’s just the two of us,” she says. “Face to face.” She takes a sip of her drink and sets it down, then gives a slight smile.

“It seems like you’re not going to tell me the truth after all. That’s okay,” she says, downing her drink, “I lied too.” Then she picks up her vibrator, er, gun, and fires it twice in the direction of the mystery person.

Oh, about that whole ‘forgiveness’ thing? JK!!! Good one, right!?? I totally got you.

Phew. It’s gonna be an intense season.