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It’s the season finale of Damages, and all mysteries will be revealed…
We finally learn who shot J.R.! (It was ELLEN, in the broom closet, with the revolver.)
Well, it’s been 13 long and Cadillac-filled weeks, and here we are right where we started. A creepy hotel room, a heavily mascara’d Ellen, and a gun.
“Seems like you’re not going to tell me the truth after all,” Ellen says to a crying and obviously nervous Patty. “That’s okay, I lied too.” Bang, bang.
But this time, the music does a screechy record stop (Damages, the remix!) and the images of Ellen and Patty begin to play in reverse. We see the bullets fly back into Ellen’s gun, she talks in backwards-gibberish speak, the entire conversation flies by in reverse, hurting my eye holes, and then we see the beginning – Patty knocking on Ellen’s door. “Come in,” Ellen says, innocently enough. She leaves out adding “if you want to DIE,” even though we all know she’s been practicing that part in front of the mirror for three hours.
After the credits, we meet UNR’s new head counsel. I hope he knows he’s got some big cups, er, shoes, to fill. Kendrick is introducing him to slimy Judge Oliver while Patty sits across the table. “He’s ably taken the reigns from Ms. Maddox,” Kendrick says. Yeah, but what’s his sassy quotient? I bet it’s subpar.
So the new lawyer, who looks to be either a young-ish 70 or else a 45-year-old who was left out in the sun for six months, decides to get off on the right foot by immediately pissing off Patty. Clearly, he has never watched this show nor read any of these recaps. Note to all UNR-ites and other would-be evil corporate types: DO NOT PISS OFF PATTY HEWES.
“Hi my name is Alan and Patty Hewes frightens me thiiiis much.” *tries not to giggle.
So the new lawyer tries to dismiss Patty’s GPS coordinates evidence against Kendrick because the “SUV in question” was stolen. “That is ludicrous,” Patty says, hilariously. The judge asks the lawyers to turn in their homework assignments (briefs?) and tells them he’ll deliberate on the SUV evidence.
The judge dismisses the lawyers. He stops Patty before she leaves. “Miss Hewes, based on what I’ve heard so far, I’m inclined to side with the defense,” he says. Which is basically slimy judge speak for ‘bitch, where’s my money?’ Patty says she understands, gives a covert little head nod, and leaves.
Later Ellen enters Patty’s office and Patty hands her some files to…file. They’re the GPS codes. Ellen reminds Patty that they’ll be inadmissible (um, duh.) Ellen asks why Patty filed Tom, and guesses it’s because he wouldn’t bribe Judge Oliver. She once again offers her own bribing services, but Patty doesn’t want her involved. “What’s the alternative?” Ellen asks. “To believe in our case and trust the system,” Patty says with a straight face. “Judge Oliver doesn’t believe in the system,” Ellen says. “He believes in money.” And doughnuts.
As Ellen turns to go, Patty relents. “Alright, find out what his terms are.” A stack of unmarked twenties and 12-pack of Krispy Kremes? That would be my guess.
Elsewhere, Wes meets up with Grizzly outside of a playground. How….sweet? Grizzly inquires politely about the status of the murder he requested, and Wes says that Ellen Parsons is alive and well.
“I spit on your murder scheme.”
“You just made a big decision,” Grizzly says. Wes says he’s out. “Good luck finding me,” he adds as a parting shot before walking away. Um…goodbye?
Ellen meets up with Tom at a friendly little restaurant. She tries to act all nice and ask about the baby, but Tom will have none of it. That bitch didn’t even send a baby shower gift, and he’s not going to let it go that easily, uh-uh.
“I’m sorry it had to be like this, but you’re better off this way,” Ellen says. She adds that Patty is going to jail, and Tom should make his distance from her now. Tom continues to defend Patty and unfurls his memorized spiel about how she cares about people and sometimes has to cross a line or two to fight for the helpless and blah blah blah. He wants to know Ellen’s reason for her betrayal. “What did she ever do to you?”
Ellen looks for a moment like she might tell the truth – Patty tried to have her killed and blood stains are a bitch to get out of silk – but then she thinks better of it. Frustrated, Tom gets up to go. Ellen tells him that if he tips Patty off the feds can still turn on him.
Later, Ellen is walking into her apartment with bouncy hair and not a care in the world while Grizzly watches creepily from a car across the street. Then we see a scene we’ve seen before – Grizzly wandering down Ellen’s hotel hallway, opening her door, and slipping a silencer on a gun while Ellen sings in the shower. (Why is the glass-plated shower visible from the hotel room door?? Well, they had to get their adult content rating in somehow this week..)
“Wes is that you?” Ellen calls out while Grizzly approaches with the gun. Suddenly we see a gun appear behind Grizzly’s head. “Yeah, it’s me,” Wes’ voice calls out. Wes takes Grizzly’s gun and walks him to the front door. “Stay away from her,” he says.
“Ah, grasshoppah. It appears the student has become the mastah.”
Patty meets with Purcell in a jail cell. She asks if it’s true that he killed his wife and he confirms it. She pauses a moment to let that sink in, then moves on. Purcell is now useless as a witness, but she still wants his insight into how UNR conducted their business. Then Purcell starts on his new zen-having-a-conscious kick. “To find peace, I have to take full responsibility for my sins,” he says. “Forget your work, Patty. Pay attention to your life. No more betrayals, no more lies.” Patty just stares at him. “It must feel like you’re looking in a mirror,” he continues. Patty’s like ‘um, not really. You’re kind of stubbly and also in jail.’ Then Purcell says the only difference between them is that he confessed. Patty simply shakes her head and gets up.
“Patty, wait,” Purcell says as she’s at the door. “Tell Michael he doesn’t have to be like us.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed, papa. Goodbye, Purcell. You confused me for a good 7/10th of the time you spent on screen, and I will miss that. Don’t drop the soap.
Ellen is meeting up with Judge Oliver, listening to his lame excuses about how the “gift” from Patty won’t be for his personal use (*cough* doughnuts and probs hookers *cough*), but will be going directly to his campaign fund. Um…okay? “Tell Patty she can contribute the usual amount,” he says.
Patty is deep in thought – or maybe just scratching a troublesome head itch – when Ellen enters her office. Ellen relays that Judge Oliver wants “the usual,” and wants to know if they’re set to continue. “I don’t know,” Patty says. Has she been infected by the sudden conscience of Daniel Purcell? “What other choice do we have?” Ellen asks. Patty says there’s still one long shot…
Cue the techno music, as we see our favorite coke head trades dealer, Finn Garrity, doing what he does best – snortin’ Columbia’s finest up a dollar bill and straight into his nose hole. He puts his drugs away after hearing a knock on the door, and then opens it to find – Patty Hewes.
Finn tries to shoo Patty away. “I think you’re going to want to talk to me about the illegal energy trades you made for Walter Kendrick,” Patty says. Finn plays dumb, which isn’t too difficult for him. But when Patty drops Dave Pell’s name, Finn is suddenly all ears.
Patty fills Finn in on UNR’s evil ways – stranglings, pig murders, etc. Finn says he doesn’t know anything about that. “Maybe not. I don’t really care, Mr. Garrity. I’ve been having one hell of a shitty month and someone is gonna pay.” Ha. Patty says she wants Finn to testify against Kendrick. “You’re in business with my enemies and that’s the last stupid mistake you’re gonna make.” Word. Sometimes Patty is my hero.
Ellen is on her way into the office when Grizzly stops her and introduces himself. “I’m detective Rick Messer, NYPD.” Oh, so that’s his name? Huh. Well, anyway. He reminds her that they met after David’s murder. She may also remember him from such moments as “that time I almost blew you away through a shower stall in your own hotel room” and “that time I creepily stalked you from my car.”
Grizzly plunks down a folder in front of Ellen – in it is a picture of Eliot Tolkein, the police officer who Katie ID’d and who went missing (because Grizzly probs dumped his body in the Atlantic). Grizzly says that Tolkein was probably involved in David’s murder and he offers his assistance in solving the case. He tells her they have to be discreet, because the NYPD are stonewalling the investigation. Damn the man. Save the empire!
Later Ellen and Katie meet up with the private dick, who tells them that Grizzly is legit. Legitimately creepy? Oh, no, just legit. Nice work, dick. “Messer sounds like a stand-up guy,” he says. Sure, except for that slight murdering problem. But he’s working to kick it – promise.
Then we cut to – Frobisher! He’s at the construction site for his new “environmentally friendly” office building. He’s on the phone with his ex-wife, all giddy and Frobisher-y.
“Hey, remember last year’s season finale when I was shot in the gut and left for dead?? I always knew I’d look back and laugh at that someday. Hahahahahaha! Memories.”
Michael enters the kitchen where Patty is reading the paper. She confronts him on never turning in any of his college applications, which she found in his room. Busted! Also, she burned his porn stash. Michael tells her he’s not going to college for her sake. “You need a man in your life, and you have no one left but me,” he says. Little prick, I would seriously slap him if I were Patty. But I trust her own brand of punishment will be far more awesome.
Kendrick’s in Dave’s office, and this time he’s nervous and Dave is telling him to relax. He knows that Patty is going to bribe the judge, and when she does, she will be arrested. Kendrick asks how Dave knows that and Dave confidently lets him know that there’s an FBI informant in Patty’s firm. And he chose to keep that information to himself until now because….? “Goddamn it’s always a pleasure doing business with you,” Kendrick says.
Unfortunately their guy love moment is busted up by the appearance of Finn, who immediately brings up Patty’s accusations. He sees Kendrick. “Oh look, it’s the asshole who runs UNR,” he says. No one ever told Finn that assholes in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or something along those lines.
He says that Patty Hewes came to see him, wanting his testimony. “You put me smack in the middle of a big pile of shit, gentlemen,” Finn says. He says he wants part ownership in UNR or he’ll talk. “You got 24 hours or I cut a deal with Patty Hewes,” he says and leaves. I predict that Finn will face the same fate as unlucky Dee within…oh, five hours?
Another re-scene: this time it’s Magda, er, Stefanya, going through Uncle Pete’s closet and finding his secret cash stash and files of ill deeds.
Later Patty is going through a box of Uncle Pete’s things in her office. Ellen comes in and starts flipping through some photos. One of the photos is of Uncle Pete with his arm around Patrick – also known as the man who tried to kill Ellen in Patty’s apartment. Dramatic music plays as Ellen stares at the photo. She asks Patty who it is, but Patty genuinely seems to have no idea.
Later Ellen is filling Wes in on the judge-bribing scheme – in bed, of course.
Man this pillow-talk is lame. I wonder if she’ll notice if I just slip out to go ‘polish my gun’ in the shower…
Ellen still isn’t happy. She doesn’t think Patty going to jail for a couple of years for bribing a judge is enough. Ellen asks if Wes still knows the guy who can get his hands on some guns. Wes seems wary about giving Ellen a gun…she HAS been wearing a lot of eye liner lately, and that’s never a good sign.
Later, Patty’s kickin’ back in the kitchen with her feet up (literally) when Michael enters with Jill. Awk-ward! Michael heads up to his room to change, leaving Jill with Patty. They chit-chat until Michael’s girl-like scream from upstairs interrupts them. “Jesus Christ” He yells. It appears Patty has cleared out his room. Ha. Long time coming, kid.
“You’re not interested in college? Fine. But you don’t live here anymore,” Patty tells Michael. Then she tells them she sent his stuff to Jill’s. “You wanted him, he’s yours,” she tells Jill. This is priceless. Jill begs Michael to leave. “Yes, go Michael,” Patty says. “And when I want another man around the house, I’ll find myself a real one.” There are no words to build upon this perfection.
Later, Patty wakes up alone in bed. She hears laughing male voices coming from downstairs. She goes downstairs and hears old-timey music playing. Sitting around her kitchen table, smoking cigars and laughing are: Phil, Uncle Pete, Michael, Ray Fisk (!), Tom and Kendrick. Uhh….
Not fucked up AT ALL.
“What’s going on?” Patty asks. That is an excellent question, lady. “I thought we took care of this bitch,” Kendrick says. After a pause, all of the ghosts-figments of Patty’s imagination bust out laughing.
Suddenly we see Ellen beckoning Patty to the kitchen. Patty says she wants the guests to leave. “They won’t leave. People will always be there, waiting to put a knife in your back,” Ellen says, picking up a glass of wine. “They hate you. Everyone hates you,” she adds. Whoa. Harsh dream sequence much? Ellen reminds Patty to trust no one, and Patty wakes up suddenly on the couch in her living room. Whoa, no more fish tacos mixed with evil schemes before bed for this lady.
A freaked-out Patty calls the one person she probably considers a friend, which is, sadly, Ellen. “The only one that was loyal to me was Pete,” Patty says. “And you.” Ellen doesn’t say anything – she’s got a lump of irony stuck in her throat. Tastes like hot dogs and lies.
Then Patty brings up the judge-bribing and says she feels bad for having to do it. “You’re the only one who can help those people in West Virginia,” Ellen says. And who’s going to help them once you’ve fulfilled your petty revenge plan, Ellen? Douche. Ellen asks if Patty’s sure she can trust Judge Oliver. “I’m not sure I can trust anyone,”
Patty says. Ellen says she still thinks they should do it. Patty says okay. “Get a good night’s sleep. By this time tomorrow it will all be over.” “We can both move on,” Ellen replies. Nice slip there. Patty looks up, catching it.
Ellen gets into Dum’s car and tells him the judge bribing is a go. “Ellen, this is all because of you. Congratulations,” Dum says. Yeah, nice work Ellen. Your honorary lil’ FBI agent badge is in the mail. It has a picture of Snoopy on it – hope you like.
Patty is chilling at a church when Dave Pell walks in and sits one row in front of her. I’m surprised that neither of them has burst into flames yet. It seems Patty arranged the meeting. She says she knows Dave is manipulating the energy market. “And I know you’re about to bribe a judge,” Dave says. Uhhhh, I know my evil master mind skills are a little rusty, but should you have maybe NOT told Patty that last bit?
Patty surmises that Dave is behind the FBI investigation and that she has an informant in her firm. “Ellen Parsons?” Dave nods. Patty asks how they flipped her. “It was my understanding that she needed very little convincing,” Dave says.
Dave makes a proposition. He’ll call of the feds if Patty forgets about everything she knows about the energy markets and brownouts. “I still want Walter Kendrick,” Patty says. “You can have him.” Et tu, Dave? Et tu? Patty wants evidence that Aracite is toxic and Dave says he’ll get it. “One more thing,” Patty says. “Ellen Parsons is going to bribe that judge. She’s acting on her own. I want her arrested for it.” Daaaaamn.
Another re-scene: Stefanya gives the red folder to Ellen. This time we see inside the folder – pictures of the doorman the night Ellen was attacked. There’s a post-it on it reading “make sure he’s on duty.”
Later Ellen shows the files to Wes – she says it’s evidence that Patty tried to kill her. It kind of just looks like photos to me… “It wouldn’t mean anything to the police but if I showed it to Patty she wouldn’t be able to deny it anymore.” Oh. THAT’S your genius plan?
The phone rings and it’s Grizzly. He’d like to set up a time to discuss “new information” with her. Wes asks who was on the phone and she tells him to mind his own beeswax.
Later Dum gets a call from Dave, telling him the new plans to double-cross Ellen. Dum takes the news surprisingly well, confirming once again my long-held belief that he was the lesser of the Dee-and-Dum duo, and also a giant dick.
Who’s the man who won’t cop out?
When there’s danger all about?
Patty is on the phone with Ellen, arranging a time to drop the bribe off at the hotel. She looks down at a briefcase full of money.
But Dum is at the hotel now, filling Ellen in on where the camera will be. He says they need Patty on tape authorizing the crime. Except that now they really don’t, now that they plan on pinning it all on Ellen. Ellen does not seem to notice that there is not real tape in the video camera. In fact, it is made of cardboard and paper clips.
Re-scene #24! Tom tries to get into the law firm to warn Patty about Ellen. The body guard man-handles him away. Tom is indignant! See Tom yell!
Later, Ellen talks to Wes on the phone and asks about the status of her gun order. “I don’t think you should have one,” he says, like he’s telling a three-year-old not to take the last chocolate popsicle (although in Ellen’s case, I’d advise her to reach for the popsicle). Ellen hangs up, pissed.
Then she immediately calls the next whipping boy she knows – Tom. She asks for his help, and now we know why he was getting a gun in earlier future-scenes. “Please just do it and I’ll explain everything,” she says.
Finn’s hooker is hanging out, painting her nails in some negligee (who DOESN’T do that?) when she’s interrupted by a very cheesed off Kendrick. Kendrick asks where Finn is and Hooker Susie plays dumb. Then Kendrick totally slaps his bitch up!
Okay, dude. Pig killing, gas price gouging, Cuban cigar smoking – it’s all bad. But hooker slapping? Straight uncool.
Grizzly is on the phone with Ellen, planning to meet up with her later. He gets into his car. Uh-oh – those of us who have been paying attention in class know what’s coming. Grizzly slips into his driver seat. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees Wes’s face. He only has time to say, simply, “shit,” before the gun goes off and the rest of his thoughts become window dressing. Sayonara, you creepy bearded bastard. Crime = does not pay.
Patty is in a limo when a creepy gloved man enters and gives her a flash drive. Hey, I have one of those! I wonder if hers is filled with grammatically incorrect blog postings?! “Here’s what you wanted on Walter Kendrick,” the man says. So that’s no to my question, then. All the Aracite documentation is on the flash drive, it would seem. I hope she doesn’t lose it the way she lost that single bottle of contaminated water that time…
God I’m fucking good.
A crying and slightly crazed-looking Susie is telling Finn that Walter Kendrick beat her up looking for him. “He did this as a warning,” she says. “I’m gonna nail that son of a bitch,” Finn says. See what Kendrick did there? He meant to shut Finn up, but he unintentionally only made him angrier! Draaaa-ma!
Another re-scene. Wes comes to Ellen’s door. She tells him to go away, and he shuts her up by making out with her. Hott. Later, they’re in bed when the phone rings. It’s Tom for Ellen. She gets up. Wes asks why she has to go and then asks who was on the phone and continues to carry on like a woman for awhile. Ellen’s all “don’t be here when I get back, biatch.” (Note: I added the biatch.)
Re-scene of Tom giving Ellen the gun he took from the basement of Patty Hewes and Associates.
Wes leaves Ellen’s room, but instead of leaving the hotel, he checks into the room across the hall.
And now it’s time for the big show. Patty enters Ellen’s hotel elevator and prepares to go up for the money drop off. Ellen prepares for her showdown by closing the blind and putting on some light jazz, of course. Just as the elevator doors are about to close on Patty, a hand shoots them open – it’s Finn Garrity.
Finn wants to testify and demands that Patty helps him. Patty tells him he missed the boat. Now that she has her magical flash drive o’ incriminating evidence, she has no use for his crackhead self.
Ellen is fondling her gun when Patty knocks on her door. She answers and Patty is standing there stiffly. “Everything okay?” Ellen asks. Patty says yes, but I don’t believe her. Something happened in that elevator, yo. The two women sit down.
“Before I go meet with the judge, you and I have some unfinished business we need to discuss, don’t you think?” Ellen says. Both women have flashbacks – Ellen to her near-knifing, Patty to giving the kill order to Uncle Pete. Patty is shaking slightly. Ellen goes and makes a drink. We all know what’s coming next, because we’ve seen it like eight times already.
Ellen: “I’ve got the strangest feeling of dÃ©jÃ vu…”
Me: “Girl, tell me about it.”
Ellen does her monologue song and dance about telling the truth and yada yada. Then she gets out her gun. “Ellen don’t,” Patty says. “It’s not who you are.” Dum watches from his hidey-van. A single tear rolls down Patty’s cheek. And then, Ellen takes out her red folder and hands it to Patty. Patty looks at it and we think for a moment she’s seeing the pictures that were in it before. But then we see she’s looking down at a handwritten sign. It reads:
“The feds are watching us.”
Then Ellen takes out her gun and shoots…out the mirror behind Patty’s head! Damn, all that “training” with Wes and she’s still a lousy shot. But Ellen quickly covers her suckiness with an “oh no, I MEANT to miss.” Apparently she was trying to shoot out the camera behind Patty. Okay, Ellen, whatever you say…
“Surveillance camera. I’m an informant for the feds,” Ellen explains. “You know, working for you this past year, I think I understand you. You’re corrupt, narcissistic, cruel. But so is the rest of the world.” Whoa there, sunshine. Let’s not get carried away. “So I don’t want you in jail,” Ellen continues. No more cameras or FBI – she just wants to hear Patty say it, admit what she did. Tears continue to roll down Patty’s face.
Patty says that she was afraid, that she didn’t trust Ellen. “So I told Pete…I told Pete to have you killed.”
Ellen seems to take this admission pretty calmly. “Thank you, Patty,” she says. Then she picks up the gun and stands, and for a second it is completely unclear what she intends to do. Patty tells her to “go ahead.” “No, you’re just going to have to live with this,” Ellen says.
Ellen says the feds are waiting for the bribe, so they’ll have to find another way to win the case. Patty tells her to just give the briefcase to the judge. “If I do that, they’ll arrest you,” Ellen says. “You have to trust me, Ellen,” Patty says. Yes, that seems likely. But Ellen agrees, taking the briefcase and leaving the room.
Wes tries to catch Ellen at the elevator, but she’s gone. He runs down the stairs to meet her. Patty exits the hotel room, stricken. We see the re-scene of her rubbing a bloody hand across her face and slumping down into the elevator.
We flash back to Patty and Finn in the elevator. Only this time he stops the elevator. “You’re not sending me to jail bitch,” he says, taking out a knife and stabbing Patty! So it was really the cokehead, in the elevator, with the switchblade!
After Finn leaves the elevator, Patty hears the voice of a troublesome ghost. And it’s got a southern accent. It’s Ray Fisk! “Patty, there are things far worse than death,” Ghost Ray says. “You know what you’ve done. Now you have a chance to set things right.” He tells her to go to Ellen and face the truth. Which Patty does.
Flash forward again to Patty collapsed in the elevator. Dum finds her there and calls Dave, telling him Patty is show. Dave tells him to get to the courthouse and make the arrest. Dum says if he leaves Patty, she’ll die. “That’s not our problem,” Dave says. Spineless Dum runs away, and it’s Wes who ends up coming upon Patty and calling out for help.
At the courthouse, Ellen makes her way towards the judge’s chambers with her briefcase of cash. Meanwhile, Wes is at Patty’s side as she’s wheeled into the hospital.
Ellen is handing the judge over his money as Dum and some agent-types barrel down the hallway towards them. Dum busts into the room. “Ellen Parsons, you’re under arrest,” he says, cuffing Ellen. “Did Patty Hewes get to you?” Ellen asks Dum as she’s led away.
But as soon as they get to the hallway, Dum is stopped by a U.S. Marshal and…Tommy’s sister?? The marshal tells Dum to step away from the prisoner. They arrest him and lead him away. Tom steps up behind his sister, smiling. What the huh now?
Then we see Cynthia Shays playing a taped recording for Dum in a questioning room. It’s a tape of Patty’s conversation with Dave at the church – and it’s damning the entire FBI investigation as corrupt. Oh, snap!
Tom and Ellen watch from behind the two-way mirror. “Patty set this all up?” Ellen asks. Tom says yes, that Patty figured it all out and reached out to him for help.
Cynthia Shays tells Dum that Dave Pell is going to jail – would Dum like to go with him. We then see U.S. marshals enter Dave’s office. Flash back to Dum, who smiles slightly and says, “I want to cut a deal.” Of course.
Tom then shows Ellen the flash drive containing evidence against Kendrick. Seriously, shouldn’t that thing be locked up in a bullet-and-fire-and-ninja-assassin-proof box by now? Then we see marshals arresting Kendrick, who, suffice it to say, does not go gracefully. This one’s for Wilbur, bitch!
1 MONTH LATER. A healing but still visibly frail Patty is standing at a dock, looking out at the lakeshore when Tom comes up. He tells her that the EPA has begun the cleanup in West Virginia, which is a nice and handy bit of wrap-up exposition.
Then he asks if Patty heard from Ellen, and Patty says no. Apparently Tom hasn’t been able to track her down since she left the hotel weeks ago.
Then we see Ellen, at David’s grave. “Things with Patty didn’t exactly turn out the way I thought they would, but I got what I needed from her,” she says. Then she says that she met someone, and she thinks the tombstone representing David would like him. I…doubt…that.
Patty tells Tom to let her know when Ellen calls. “I don’t think we’re gonna see her again,” Tom says. Then we see Ellen telling her tombstone that she got a new job offer and she’s going to take it. Back at the lakeshore, Patty smiles. “She’ll be back,” she says. “Trust me.”
And just in time for season three, I feel.