Damages: You Got Your Prom Date Pregnant

Mystery, intrigue and long-awaited for make-out sessions. Plus karaoke, Damages-style!

Won’t be anything left!

Ellen is walking to another clandestine meeting with her two FBI BFF’s. She tells them she doesn’t think that Patty had Pete killed at all – that she seems genuinely shaken up by his death. “She blames you guys,” Patty says. “This is like a call of war for her.” Seriously – she’s polishing up her battle ax and picking out her Braveheart-blue face paint as we speak.

“You’re not just targeting her now. She’s targeting you,” Ellen says, then walks away quickly. Dee and Dum just look at each other, mentally complimenting their cool new leather jackets. Life is fun in the FBI.

Patty and Ellen are filling Tommy in on the investigation into the firm. Tommy, in his typical fashion, responds like a 5-year old and gets pissed that they didn’t tell him sooner. Patty asks if anyone has approached him with unusual overtures. You mean besides the recent string of hookers?

TWO MONTHS LATER. Tommy gets off an elevator at Patty Hewes and Associates, but he’s no longer on the guest list. A bodyguard tells him he’s not welcome on the premises. Tommy says it’s urgent, that Patty’s gonna want to hear what he has to say, but the bodyguard doesn’t budge. He shows Tommy a weapon hidden not-so-covertly in his jacket.

“I WILL tase you, bro.”

Tommy turns to leave, but throws one last hissy fit before he goes, yelling out that he’s filing a suit against Patty for wrongful termination. Yeah, okay, buddy, just go have yourself some chocolate pudding and calm down in the corner while Mommy takes a nap.

Then Tommy walks to the firm’s basement and it’s a scene we’ve seen before – he uncovers a hidden gun and later gives it to Ellen. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he tells her. Chances are slim.

Then we once again see Ellen, holding the gun in front of a tearful Patty. “Ellen, don’t. It’s not who you are,” Patty rasps. We don’t hear the two gun shots, and don’t really need to since they’ve been in like 5 episodes already. We get it.

Kendrick and Dave are out on the green. Kendrick mentions that the secretary of energy had a heart attack, and Dave is in on the committee to seek a replacement. Just an educated guess – I be the replacement is eeeevvilllll.

Then Dave says he wants to step up the frequency of their (illegal) trade transactions. Kendrick is kind of wary, but backs down when Dave asks him just when he grew a vagina. Or something like that.

Tommy bursts into Ellen’s office. “We’re being investigated by the FBI and you didn’t tell me?” Jeez, is he still on that? Get over it, guy.

He then whines on and on about how he’s a partner here and he’s vulnerable too. It’s shocking to me that Patty hasn’t had this guy killed yet. Tommy wants to know who they can talk to that has an in at the FBI. Patty doesn’t want to draw attention to themselves or make it known she’s aware of the investigation. Tommy says he’ll make the call.

Which leads Tommy to a meeting in the street with a nice-looking woman. “What’s up? Last time you had that face you were 18 and thought you got your prom date pregnant.” I don’t know – it just looks like his everyday Tommy stinkface to me.

Turns out this woman is the assistant U.S. attorney. Also, she’s Tommy’s sister. So wait, wait, wait, Tommy has a sister in government and Patty didn’t think to take advantage of this fact before? That seems unusual…or else just highly convenient, Damages writers…

Tommy’s sis doesn’t want to help, but eventually caves to her (I’m guessing younger) bro’s wheedling. I hope she used to beat the crap out of him when he was a kid.

Dave meets with Finn (La Trader De Douche) at a country club. Dave tells him there’s another “itinerary,” and he will be contacted with new codes. I’d like to pretend that I knew what all this secretive Cadillac-navigation-codes crap was about, but I’ve got nothing. Except as a means for ingenious product placement, the point of the navigation codes still eludes me.

Dave asks Finn how his meetings are going. I’m assuming he means his Cocaine-And-Hooker Anonymous meetings, and apparently, they’re going really, really well:

“Oh yeah, clean and sober for 15 days. Pardon me, but do you have a bathroom around here? Maybe a credit card or a rolled up dollar bill? Just…asking.”

Finn says he totally kicked the stuff, and the girl (hooker Susie) is history too. Dave says these are smart moves. “If you want me to ensure your continued fiscal success, you won’t ever make a mess for me again.” Finn tells him that if he can find another trader that can do what he does (play minesweeper with your pants off in a hotel room?) then he should use him. “Otherwise, stay out of my face.”

Wes, Ellen and Katie are out at the bar playing pool. They banter about their skills with the sticks. Wes, apparently sucking at the game, tells the girls that it’s just part of his plan. “I invite myself out to girl’s night, throw a game or two, and before you know it the gouging starts and you lose your shirts.” Sounds like another Tuesday night for Katie.

I’d like to think the show editors didn’t intentionally frame the shot this way, but…it sure does sum up Katie’s character nicely.

Katie goes to get a “club soda,” leaving Ellen and Wes alone. Ellen seems to be genuinely having a good time for the first time since last season. You know, before all of the fiancé-bludgeonings and attempted murders.

At her home, Patty looks into a mirror contemplatively when Phil comes up behind her. He asks how she’s doing, then brings up a dinner party they’re hosting on Friday. “My instinct is to cancel, but it might be nice for you to have some friends out,” he says. Patty says that’s fine.

Patty tells Phil that she thinks Pete killed himself, or got someone to help him, in order to protect her. Phil turns even more serious. “Drop the UNR case,” he tells her. Patty says she can’t do that. “As far as I’m concerned, [the FBI] killed Uncle Pete,” she says. “They’re trying to intimidate me. This is about power protecting itself.”

IS there a link between the FBI investigation and Kendrick’s case? It sounds a little paranoid and yet…where exactly do Dee and Dum get their orders from anyway? Did Ellen even ask for credentials, or just trust the men in the shiny car who offered her wire taps and candy?

Phil once again asks Patty to please stop. “No,” she says, “I’m not going to let them get away with it.” Testify.

Ellen visits with her support group counselor. “I’m concerned about what’s going on with you and Wes Kreulik,” the counselor says. Did someone tell her about the whole gun obsession thing? Because that concerns me a little too.

But no, the support group counselor just doesn’t want her pupils to hang out together outside of class. She pretty much tells Ellen to back off of hanging out with Wes. And Ellen goes all 13-year-old-hoodrat-headed-to-boot-camp-on-Maury:

“Bisscch, you don’t KNOW me!”

But then the counselor says that she’s also spoken to Wes, and Wes agrees with her. That throws Ellen. “I think you and Wes are filling a need for each other that’s based on grief,” the counselor says. Trust me, lady, I’ve been watching these two intently for 9 episodes, and there ain’t nothing being filled yet.

Dave is once again meeting with Phil, apparently asking for his advice on who should fill the empty Energy Secretary seat. Phil says he’s not sure he knows of anyone who’s qualified. “Since when has that been necessary for a government appointment?” Dave asks. Har-dee-har-har.

Then Phil brings up Sam Arsenault, Patty’s charity-partner-in-crime from the first episode of the season. What HAS that bastard been up to lately? (Growing a beard, as it later turns out…spoiler alert!) Phil then invites Dave to his dinner party next Friday night, where he will introduce him to Arsenault. And Patty will serve him a traditional meal of lamb chops and hemlock.

Ellen, doing the exact opposite of what her guidance counselor just guided her to do, is hanging out with Will. Shooting guns. In a strangely erotic fashion…

More like he’s gonna Revolve-her, am I right fellas?*

*I’m sorry.

Is it distasteful to take a scene at a firing range and turn it into a double entendre? Take a gander at the following dialogue, and judge for yourself:

Wes: “You’re tense, relax. Goood. Just breathe. That’s it. Firm¸ not tight.”

Ellen: “Feels like I won’t be able to control it.”

Wes: “Don’t try to control it too much. Get stiff, lose accuracy.”

Ellen: “How’s that?”

Wes: “Feels good.”

Aaaaand bang – the gun unloads its contents. I mean the gun splurts out its goods. I mean the gun literally ejaculates. Er, fires its last round.

Anyway, it looks like Ellen’s become a better shot. She’s finally managed to put a hole in the little paper man at the end of the range. Should we bake her a cookie for this accomplishment? I doubt the woman eats carbs. I’ll just pour her a congratulatory shot of whiskey. Salut!

Later, Wes tells Ellen he owes her an apology for asking her out last week. “I pushed you, it was wrong.” Ellen says she’s a big girl and can handle it. She toooottttally wants him. Wes says they shouldn’t get involved, because of how they met. “And I was…um…this is awkward – I was wondering if I could ask out your friend,” Wes says.

Ellen’s all ‘suuuuuure.’ Ouch. We’ve all been that girl. Handing out your roommate’s phone number to the cute guy at the party who you thought was flirting with you all night. Who hasn’t been that girl? Am I the only one who’s been that girl??

Wes walks down a dark alley to meet up with Grizzly Kurt. He says he hasn’t met with Katie alone yet and has nothing to report. Grizzly has another dirty task in mind however – this one involving carting a trunk full of guns to Jersey. Wes says no and Grizzly laughs, creepily. “Did you just say no?” He asks.

Wes says he agreed to stalk Ellen Parsons, but he’s done with this “other shit.” “No. You’re done when I say you are,” Grizzly says, still smiling. Back story, please? No? Okay.

Finn is once again listening to douche techno music in his car when Hooker Susie gets in the front seat. Susie hands him some coke. Is this guy ever not doing coke, prostitutes or illegal trading activity? Seriously.

Finn offers Susie some drugs. “No, I’m getting clean for my kid,” she says. Finn asks about the lawyer (Tommy) who was asking about him, and Susie says nothing – she hasn’t talked to him.

Saving some for later

Tommy meets with his VIP sister in front of an ominous-looking stairwell. She tells him that if anyone finds out about the information she’s about to reveal, she’ll be disbarred. Jeez, dramatic, much?

She says she requisitioned the FBI file on Hewes and Associates. “Tom, there was no file.” Say whaaaat? There’s no record that the investigation even exists. Tommy looks about as confused as I feel. Also he looks kind of constipated, and should try some fiber for that.

“No file? That doesn’t make any sense,” Ellen is saying later at a meeting with Patty and Tommy. What happened to all of the other lawyers at this firm? Is it just these three now?

Tommy asks Ellen if she’s sure the guys who approached her were legit. “Yeah, they were FBI,” she says. But how do you really know, Ellen? Think hard. Were the badges they showed you actually the kind you get for being the ‘Lil’st Sheriff’ at Chucky Cheese? I know these things can be confusing…

“What is really going on with this investigation?” Ellen asks Dee and Dum later in her hotel room. She tells them that the FBI has no file on Patty Hewes.

Okay, which one of you used up the last of my Aqua Net? That’s right, Van Peebles, I’m looking at you.

Dee and Dum share a conspiratorial look. “Do we tell her?” Dum asks. “I think it’s time she knew the truth,” Dee says. “We don’t work for the FBI, Ellen. We work for the IPF,” Dum continues. Ellen angrily asks what that is. “Interplanetary federation?” Dee says. “You never saw Men in Black?” Oh.My.God. Was that a….joke?? Oh, you rascally FBI agent, you.

Seriously, though. Good one, guys.

Ellen disagrees with my sentiment:

Iz not funnay

Then Dee explains that no, seriously, Patty has contacts at the justice department and they had to pull the file. “You better be telling me the truth,” Ellen says. Or you’ll do what, exactly? Throw an empty tequila bottle at them?

Later Dee and Dum walk down the street. “Well, she’s smart,” Dee says. Wait, are they talking about Ellen? That doesn’t sound right. “I get that, but I don’t like her,” Dum says. Oh yeah, that must be Ellen. They wonder if they can trust her intel.

Susie is in a hotel room, putting in earrings and preparing for a hot date. Is “date” the correct term? Who knows what the kids are calling it. In my day, it was just a plain old “prostitution appointment.” Not as sexy, but more to the point.

Susie opens the door and her new client is – Patty Hewes! Surprise. But Patty isn’t there for the nookie – she just wants an explanation of what happened the night Susie and Finn Garrity were arrested. Susie gets her phone to call her agency and make Patty leave. Patty tells her to go ahead – but if she does, then she’ll call Finn and let him know that Susie sees other clients. Busted.

“All I want to do is talk,” Patty says. That’s what Tommy told Gabriela two weeks ago! Can’t a hard-hookin’ girl get a decent lay in this town without all the chit-chat? Patty says she knows that Susie is trying to put herself through school and get custody of her son. She says that if she cooperates, she can put a good word in with the judge in family court and pay for Susie’s tuition. What’s the catch?? Oh yeah, that crazy cokehead you’re sleeping with will probably strangle you with the seatbelt of a Cadillac SUV when he finds out. But good luck.

It’s the dinner party extraordinaire at the casa de Hewes. Phil welcomes Dave and introduces him to Sam Arsenault who is, as I earlier promised, now bearded. “I hear I’m being vetted,” Dave says. “Rumor travels halfway around the world before truth can tie its shoes,” Dave says. What the frak does that mean?

Arsenault only really seems interested in the Energy Secretary position as a means to eventually becoming governor. “You’re prepared to faithfully represent the interests of your country?” Dave asks. “Well we’re all businessmen here, aren’t we?” Arsenault replies, smarmily. I vomit up another little piece of my soul. I’d vomit up food, but my broke ass can’t afford to. In further news, I hope Patty kicks both these guys in the testicles at some point, and takes their wallets for good measure.

Laughter at the dinner party of the rich. Some balding white dude asks Phil if it’s safe to get back into the market. Blah blah chit chat blah. When Phil says he believes the economy will turn around, Patty makes a rebuttal. “Phil makes the mistake of believing that man is inherently good,” she says. Phil makes a boring response about man being self-interested. He turns to Arsenault for help, and Sam, God love him, pretends to snore and wake up suddenly. Everyone laughs, and I vow to never ever throw a dinner party.

At her hotel, Ellen asks Katie if Wes called her and Katie says yes. Boy works fast. “Would you mind if I went out with him?” Katie asks. Ellen laughs and says no. Liar, liar…Katie asks how much Wes knows about Frobisher and David because she doesn’t want to say something that she shouldn’t. “Then don’t,” Ellen says. Hi, Ellen, have you met Katie? Yeeeaaaah….

Back at the most boring dinner party on the planet. Seriously, this is making my Friday night Hot Pocket and TNT New Classic movie look like a rock fest. Then Phil calls for Michael to bring down the keyboard. Yessss! Karaoke, old white dude style!!

Arsenault gets up to sing, and Dave requests “Danny Boy.” Really? I would have kicked off the night with a little Journey myself, just to get the crowd started. Karaoke 101.

Freebird!!

Man, this song is really bringing the room down. Or more down. Dave sits down by Patty and starts discussing Arsenault during his song. Patty makes a comment about all the guys in the room being born in the manor. Is that like a euphemism for being rich? Dave says his dad salted steel for 37 years. Patty cheers him. Yay?

Dave asks for Patty’s opinion on Arsenault. “I think he’s a terrific guy. But you have to watch out. When you peel away all his glad-handing and honey-voiced charm, what’s left is an entitled brat.” Geez, Patty, sugarcoat it why don’t you? Dave considers this.

And finally, we see Dee and Dum in an actual office. They are talking to someone I take to be their boss, asking him why there’s no record of all the reports they’ve submitted. So Dee and Dum aren’t in on the loop. Why does that shock me so very little?

The boss pulls out a thin-looking file folder full of the investigation reports. Seriously? That’s all they’ve got? After months of surveillance and an accidental death, and that’s the file? My 2008 tax return had more paperwork, and I just threw that thing together with old crumbled receipts, paper towels and some matchsticks for good measure.

The boss says the investigation is strictly “need to know” since the deputy director said it was. “Stop whining and go out and get me something on Patty Hewes,” the boss says. He has important things to do, teeny folders to file.

Kendrick is, once again, golfing. This time he’s sporting a white Michael Jackson-style glove and hanging out with Middleman. Middleman says Idaho is their best bet. “Is the plant manager willing to play ball?” Kendrick asks. Middleman says yes, definitely. I’m recapping verbatim, here. I have no more friggin clue what all this means than you do. Are they even speaking recognizable English sentences right now? What the hell’s in Idaho?

Then Middleman says that they plan to shut down supply in the middle of the winter to drive up home heating prices in Idaho. Dude, that’s fucking cold. (Pun.)

Hooker Susie is talking to Patty and Tommy, this time in an official away-from-the-motel-room-and-wearing-an-actual-shirt capacity. I barely recognized her. She tells them that before she and Finn were arrested, he made a stop at an SUV. Patty asks what kind. Why, a CADILLAC, of course!!

That’s all Susie can remember. After all that work and undercover time for Tommy, she turned out to be not so much helpful. Eh, you win some, you lose some. As Susie gets up to go, Patty tells her that she had a nice chat with her family court judge, who is now sympathetic to joint custody. I love it when hookers get a happy ending.

Then we see Freaky Darrell Hammond get into the Cadillac and input some more numbers into the navigation. Do they stand for Idaho?

Phil meets with Dave and they discuss Sam Arsenault. “He’s got pipes,” Dave says. And gams, ooh boy. Dave thanks Phil for the introduction, but says they’re leaning in a different direction now for the position. What position would that be? Why, one that you would fit into very easily, Phil! (No, not missionary). Yes, I’m not sure if the whole meet-and-greet with Sam was a ploy, but it seems our man Phil is the one Dave really wants.

Phil politely demurs, but you can tell he’s flattered. He says he hates politics, but Dave continues to woo him with his smooth-talking ways. He’s like butter, that one. Phil says he’ll consider it, but he’s not making any promises.

Patty charges into the office of Dee and Dum’s Boss, spitting nails. She says she holds the FBI responsible for the death of Pete McKee. Not factually accurate, but I still like where she’s going with this. “You can tell whoever’s calling the shots in Washington that I’m onto them,” she says. “The Bureau may be watching me but I’m also watching you.” But who watches the Watchmen? (Sorry, again.)

The Boss tells Patty to check her tone, and she leans in, dangerously. “This investigation is corrupt,” she says. Also it’s very slow, and run by two idiots. “You don’t want to threaten me,” the Boss says. “I don’t make threats,” Patty replies. “This is war.” Oooh, soundbite!

Wes is in his kitchen, pouring a beer for a mystery guest, who turns out to be…Katie. I like how he didn’t even ask her out on a real date – he knew they would have probably ended up back at his place anyway, so why put on your good pants and actually leave the house?

“Hope you like PBR! Only the best for the ladies who visit my casa.”

Then they start the least-hot convo ever – David asks why Katie never went to therapy and she says it’s not her thing. Not enough drugs. Then Wes very non-subtly brings up the topic of Frobisher and Katie, although she said she wouldn’t, proceeds to spill her guts. She tells him that they know Frobisher’s got the police in his pocket, and suspect the police of having something to do with the murder. “You know what, I’d really rather not talk about this,” Katie eventually says, after she’s said everything important, of course.

Then Wes says it’s just that he worries about Ellen. He gets a very loyal, golden retriever-type look on his face, and Katie calls him out for having feelings for Ellen. Looks like she put on her push up bra for nothing.

Finn gets into a Cadillac and inputs some navigation numbers. Just as I suspected (and you can’t entirely credit my foresight, as I am recapping an episode I already watched…but anyway) he writes down the numbers and the word “Idaho.” This shit better start making sense soon.

Across the street, Tommy’s doing a little note-taking of his own – writing down the make and model of the Cadillac that Finn gets out of. I really hope Tommy is making some overtime for all of this after-hours stalking and hooker-baiting.

We’re back at Wes’ house, sans Katie. There’s a knock at the door and Wes goes to answer it. He opens the door and it’s Ellen. They make small talk, and then all of a sudden Ellen jumps him. It’s about frakking time. She pushes him up against a wall and they start taking each other’s clothes off.

Back from my cold shower now. It’s the next morning and Wes is going to meet Grizzly Kurt in another shady alley. He tries to wipe the “I just got some” look from his face. Wes tells Grizzly that Ellen knows about Frobisher’s security firm that employs off-duty cops. He adds that they suspect a cop murdered David, but don’t know who in particular.

This doesn’t assure Grizzly “when in doubt, kill everyone around” McGee, and he tells Wes to off Ellen. “Make it look like an accident,” he says. Dude, if you were any good at doing that, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

Wes looks freaked out, but doesn’t say no. Scary sounds of trains approaching aaaaand….we’re out.