Dance Moms: How to Lose Friends and Influence People

 

Hey guys, welcome back. Sorry that the photos will be a little light, but I wanted to get something up because I’m heading out of town.

Previously: Peyton arrives to replace Brooke; Kendall takes Paige’s place in the trio; Maddie wins with her solo but Chloe does not (allegedly); Peyton brags that she did better than everyone.

Brooke invites Jabby to lunch to ask if she can come back to dance.

Lunch and regret

She says that she tried cheerleading, but it just wasn’t her thing. That was fast. She couldn’t have taken two weeks over the summer to figure this out?

Jabby says coming back isn’t that easy, since Brooke stabbed everyone in the back and slapped her in the face. What a bully. Brooke says she just wanted to try cheer to make sure that dance is what she really wants. Jabby explains that the problem is that she didn’t speak up ahead of time and didn’t show up when she was supposed to. Jabby interviews that Brooke let the team down and “broke my heart.” Wait – hold up. Since when does Jabby have a heart? After a few minutes of fake soul-searching, Jabby says Brooke can come back, but she has to work really hard to prove herself.

Brooke interviews that she’s very happy and will never let the team down again.

The girls assemble in the studio and Jabby announces that Kendall is finally off probation. Wow, that was a grueling three weeks. Jabby says that Kendall must continue to prove herself. She says Kendall can’t be slouchy in her Abby Lee jacked and instructs Jill to “stick a thumb tack between [Kendall’s] shoulder blades.” Jill immediately runs out to buy an entire box of thumb tacks, nails and hypodermic needles to stick all over Kendall’s body. Anything to make Jabby happy.

Christi interviews that this must be greatest thing to ever happen in Jill’s life because she was grinning from ear-to-ear like a “Cheshire cat.”

This week they will be going to Starbound in Long Island, New York. Jabby says “Long Island, New York” like a million times in this episode. Maybe she is getting paid every time she says that. Long Island decided it needed to revamp its image after Joey Buttafuoco so they called on Jabby.

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is last, although Jabby says she did well in her solo two weeks ago. Nia is second and Jabby says it’s because Holly took the bully role away from her last week. Paige is next, because, Jabby says, she didn’t do a duet, solo or trio so there’s not much to judge her on. She says this as though she isn’t the one responsible for Paige having nothing to do. Kendall’s next, and even though she is off probation, she needs to work on her turnout and a few other things. The second row is comprised of Maddie and Chloe. Jabby says she knows Maddie is disappointed, but Jabby wants Maddie to work harder since “it’s not always going to be this easy for her.”

As for Chloe, Jabby says she wants her to walk around backstage with the arrogance that she exhibits at the studio every day. Jabby says other dancers should be afraid of Chloe because she’s Chloe and she’s from the Abby Lee Dance Company. Again, I’ve never seen Chloe act arrogant so I don’t know what she’s talking about. Also, why is Chloe above Maddie even though she supposedly “lost” last week? Do the editors really think we are that dumb? (If I put as much effort into my job as I do into figuring out this show, I’d be a VP by now.)

Meanwhile, Kelly interviews that she’s shocked because she didn’t think Peyton danced well enough last week to be on top of the pyramid. Also Peyton basically told everyone she thinks they sucked. Can’t imagine Jabby would reward that, but you never know. Jabby unveils the last square and it’s Brooke! Leslie and Jill are dumbfounded. Seriously, the look on their faces is hilarious.

Surprise!

But I feel bad for Peyton. Jabby should have told her ahead of time and not in front of the group. Then again, Jabby makes more kids cry before 9:00 AM than most people do all day, so what did we expect.

Brooke comes back and all the girls squeal and hug her. Jill says in an interview “no offense to Peyton,” but she “TOWERS” over all the other girls, while her “little Kendall” fits in with the group perfectly. Yes, Jill. You’ve made your feelings about Peyton’s Amazonian proportions abundantly clear.

Jabby says Brooke is on top because she’s doing a solo and she must win this week. As for Peyton, Jabby says everyone is replaceable, but Peyton was not the right replacement for this group. She consoles Peyton by telling her she had a great experience and she got to see the Gateway to the West so she can’t be upset.

Sorry to crush your dreams, kid. But check out that arch.

Leslie calmly says she understands Jabby’s decision, thanks her for the opportunity and leaves quietly. Either that or she loses her shit and screams at Jabby about carrots and loyalty. I’ll let you figure out which one it was. Jabby says Peyton was on probation so she can’t have expected to be on the team permanently. Leslie screeches that they will find someone who wants Peyton on their team and that Jabby can keep “her Kendall” and the rest of her team. She storms out. Phew. Don’t let the door hit ya and all that.

Down to business. As mentioned previously, Brooke’s doing a solo this week and she MUST WIN. Mackenzie is also doing a solo. The group number will be a “high energy” jazz number called Avalanche that somehow represents “the whole world of cheerleading tumbling down.” God, if I see ONE MORE number about avalanches and cheerleaders I will scream.

Upstairs in the Booth of Incessant Bitching, Kelly says she feels bad for Peyton. Jill, who’s been gunning for Peyton since moment one, asks why. Christi’s all, because she’s a kid? Jill’s like “oh please, she’s not a baby. My kid was on probation and she had to earn a spot.” Earn? You mean like she had to work really hard and dance really well? Gotcha. Christi interviews that when Jill got off probation, it was actually her MOUTH that got off probation.

Kelly says that Jabby is putting a lot of pressure on Brooke by putting her on top of the pyramid and insisting she win. Jill, who says she’s not holding back anymore (so I guess Christi was right about that one), says there’s no way that Brooke should be on top of the pyramid, that it should have been Maddie since she won overall last week. Christi says Maddie only won because Jabby spent all her time rehearsing her, not the group number or the trio. Oh god, here we go again. I like snarky Christi better than whoa-is-me-Jabby-hates-my-kid Christi.

Kelly says she’s happy the trio didn’t win, but Jill says they could have used one more week of rehearsal. Jill says Kendall can do everything the other girls can do and she’s disappointed that Kendall doesn’t have a special part this week. To echo all the commenters – what is she bitching about? Kendall has had a solo and a trio in the past couple of weeks. Paige has had nothing, nor has Nia, at least after Holly took the bully part away from her. Jill says something about different levels of dancers and Holly takes it to mean that Nia is a weak dancer. Holly interviews that Jill always makes snide remarks about the girls and mostly about Nia.

Christi tells Jill it doesn’t matter what’s said up in the booth, what matters is what happens on stage. Jill agrees and Christi tells her to put her money where her mouth is. Jill says no problem, prompting Kelly to ask if that means she’s going to buy Jabby a big present. Jill: “It’s not about presents.” Christi and Kelly exchange hilarious looks.

Kelly interviews that the “real” Jill is coming out now. I think she means that Jill’s real face is trying to come out through all the Botox.

Look closely. It’s in there somewhere

Brooke rehearses her solo, which will be acrobatic and have a space age theme. Jabby says Brooke will be portraying an alien from another planet, “kind of like her mother.” Jabby says it’s imperative that Brooke do well this week because she’s the oldest, she’s a role model and she had two weeks off.

Mackenzie rehearses in a purple hat. She will also be doing an acro routine. Jabby tells her to “always” stick her boobs out. Preferably while wearing ripped fishnets. Jabby interviews that Mackenzie is always at the studio and always works hard, but she wants her to be where Maddie was when Maddie was seven.

Paige has a special part this week! She will be alone on stage when the group number begins. Jill says Kendall only has a small part this week and she wants her daughter to have big parts. Kelly channels Suze Orman and tells Jill to “get in line, girlfriend.”

“Jabby first, then money, then things.”

Kelly interviews that Paige never gets special parts, while Christi says that Jill needs to work her way up from a background dancer. Jill says she thought she HAD worked her way up and is this all she has to look forward to? What is she talking about? What exactly did JILL do? Are we still talking about Kendall’s dancing?

Melissa, who’s been quiet lately, chimes in to say she thinks they should stop watching because it’s annoying to hear everyone bitching. NO KIDDING. Jill says it’s her HOBBY to watch her kid. Melissa says she would rather be shopping.

Melissa interviews that she likes Jill and she doesn’t want her to be a doormat. I don’t think there’s any danger of Jill becoming a doormat. With her furry jackets, she’s more like a bathmat.

Does this come with matching towels?

Jill says she is sick of seeing her daughter in the background and she’s ready to fight for what her daughter “deserves.” Ugh. What exactly does she deserve? She’s been at the studio like a month and her dancing is still below that of the other girls, at least from what we’ve seen and what Jabby’s said to her.

Jill goes downstairs to talk to Gia the assistant. She harasses her about Kendall not having a special part to the point that Gia agrees to look into it. Jill’s like “see what you can do, I know you’re busy.” I know you’re busy, so let me interrupt you while you’re trying to work. Jabby asks Gia what that was all about, then interviews that she hopes Jill isn’t going to become a problem. Too late.

Back upstairs, Christi says she hopes her kid and Kelly’s kid didn’t hear Jill talking about them. Christi interviews that Jill thinks Kendall is the greatest dancer since Anna Pavlova, who I had to Google.

Not Kendall

I knew she was a famous ballerina but didn’t know the details. Did you know that she died just weeks before her 50th birthday? (At least according to Wikipedia, which is an unimpeachable source.)

Kelly throws a party to welcome Brooke back. Last time it was to congratulate Brooke for making the cheer team, so I guess the ladies are back to celebrating anything and everything. The moms all toast to the pyramid, which would be like me toasting to hangovers.

Cheers! We hate each other!

Christi asks Jill what she was saying to Gia and what part of being new and starting at the bottom does she not understand? Jill says she was just asking for something she is paying for. Ugh again. Isn’t the whole point of putting your kid in CLASSES is so the kid can LEARN something? Don’t you want your kid to work hard and get better by beating stronger dancers? What are you teaching her by paying her way to the top? Besides how to be an entitled twat, that is.

Jill says if Christi could get away with somehow getting private lessons for free, she would do the same thing. Christi accuses her of being just like Melissa. Kelly interviews that Jill and Melissa are like “two peas in a pod” who will kiss Jabby’s ass until their daughters get ahead.

Two Peas, one pod

Holly says that Melissa is Jabby’s friend and the root of all the tensions among the dance moms. Jill says Melissa shouldn’t have to defend herself and that Jabby likes her kids the best. Christi says Melissa’s actions have made it so no one else’s kids get a chance. Melissa gets mad and leaves

Jill tells Kelly she can’t believe she’s allowing this to happen at her house. Christi screams at Jill to get out. Jill says Christi and Kelly and Holly would do the same thing (kiss Jabby’s butt for free private lessons, etc.), but Christi says no, they wouldn’t sell their souls to the devil. Only because none of them still has a soul after selling it to Jabby and Lifetime.

Next day, Jill and Melissa meet at a boutique for some retail therapy and bitching. It’s a rehash of the “everyone’s jealous” theme that they are both always talking about. It must be so hard to be them. They interview about how much they like each other and how they are going to be great friends and I’m sure this is not any kind of foreshadowing for future episodes.

Mackenzie rehearses and does such a great job that Jabby tears up and gives her a hug.

Who are you and what did you do with Jabby?

I agree with the commenters who said Jabby seems almost human this episode. Jab says that when Mackenzie nailed the routine she felt like “this is why I do what I do.” Aww. Jabby’s new Grinch heart has grown ten sizes today.

Brooke rehearses and Jabby says she’s lost flexibility. She does look a little less sharp than usual. Brooke interviews that she’s under a lot of pressure to be a role model when all she wants is to “be me and do my thing.” I hear ya sista. I have the same problem. So much pressure to be a recapping role model. Sigh.

Jab and Gia are talking in the hall when Jill shows up wearing a shower curtain.

I shop for clothes at Bed, Bath and Beyond

She says she has something for them and leads them into Studio C where there are two massage tables set up and two masseurs. Jill says she’s gonna do her best to make sure Jabby’s getting taken care of. Does that include a happy ending? Because, ew!

Jabby and Gia get massages while Jill watches. Ew again. Jabby says that Kendall will now be in the front for every number. Jill cackles, “Perfect!” Jabby interviews that Jill’s playing the game and doing the right thing, but that doesn’t make her kid a better dancer. LOL. Jill says this could be a regular thing, but in return, Jill wants good things for Kendall. Way to be subtle, Machiavelli.

The other moms show up and Christi pokes her nose (tee hee) into the room. Jabby moans in ecstasy as the masseur rubs her down. (I am going to need a shower after this episode.)

You can never un-see this

Christi says this is taking gifting to a whole new level. Then she adds “And that poor masseuse!” Ha ha. Holly obviouses that Jill is trying to buy her way up the pyramid and to buy Jabby’s friendship.

Jill tells Holly that that only bothers her because she’s been an “absentee mother.” Oh no you dit’nt! Christi interviews that she knows crazy dance moms, but Jill is off the charts. Lots of yelling. Then Kelly interviews that when Jill first came to the studio she must have been taking meds, but now it seems like she ran out.

Jill says to Christi that it’s her choice if she’s okay with being second or last and that Chloe is always second. This causes Christi to spin her head around 360 degrees and scream “CHLOE IS NOT SECOND AND YOU BETTER NOT EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!!” Okay then.

OMG we haven’t even gotten to the competition yet. Hold on while I have a sip of wine.

Much better

On the bus, Jabby screams at the bus driver, who is NOT Bus Driver Jim. BDJ must have paid off his debts or fled to South America. Jabby screams in Bus Driver Not-Jim’s ear that she is “Abby Lee Miller and when I ride on a bus somewhere, you listen to me. Not the lady on the GPS, but the lady behind you in your ear.”

 Wow. I don’t get why she always has to scream at the bus driver. Maybe it’s a control thing? Also, this is one of the only reality shows that features an actual bus in addition to the metaphorical one that people are always getting thrown under.

In the dressing room, Jill observes that Kendall is stretching even though she doesn’t have much to do today. Jabby’s like HUH? She says even though Jill’s off probation, she’s the “new man on the totem pole.” Jabby tells Kendall to tell her mother to knock it off or she’s gonna get her in trouble.

It looks like no one’s in the audience. Is this competition even for real?

Mackenzie does her solo and she does a great job. Jabby says as much and that she was exciting to watch. Maybe I should call her Abby when she’s being nice and Jabby when she’s being normal. I’m sure it won’t happen very often.

Brooke’s does her solo and Jab says it wasn’t her best performance. I agree, she did look a little sloppy compared to usual and I think she may have even stumbled at one point.

Solo awards and Mackenzie wins! ABBY says Mackenzie made her very proud and she thinks she will follow in Maddie’s footsteps. Brooke came in third and interviews that she was afraid Jabby would yell at her. But ABBY comes back and says Brooke did well and probably could have won had she given 100% effort. Wow. I’m shocked, especially after Jabby had harped so much about Brooke needing to win this week.

The girls get ready for the group number. Jabby says she needs to borrow some lipstick and that she will borrow it from Jill because she knows it will make Jill happy. Jill says “would you like me to put it on for you?” Oh my god, Jill is RIDICULOUS.

Christi says now Jill’s gonna be Jabby’s official makeup fixer and it will be like “putting lipstick on a pig.” Christi can be counted on to provide a cliché for any occasion. Jill says Christi’s eyes can roll out her head, for all she cares, because she’s just doing what she has to do for her daughter. Here’s a thought: how about teaching your daughter to work hard and… oh forget it. It’s hopeless.

Gia takes the girls out of the room so the moms can scream at each other in peace. Jabby yells at them that the kids don’t want to see their mothers fight and to fix whatever’s going on this room.

The girls do the group number. Christi says she doesn’t get it. First they are “sassy,” then they’re “choking themselves.” Well that’s what avalanche cheerleaders do, Christi. Everyone knows that. Jabby says they did a very nice job, but they could have had “more energy, more attack and more enthusiasm.” They end up getting second place, with a score of 290.

Jabby interviews that they didn’t win and they are in “Long Island, New York.” She laments that this is the second week in a row that they didn’t win. Jabby says that second place is “First. One. To. Lose.” She says that makes them the biggest loser on the stage, which is not gonna happen to the Abby Lee Dance Company. She says next week they’d better either win big or lose big because second place is unacceptable.

Jabby addresses the moms about all the fighting that’s been going on. Holly admits that they are not connecting and not a cohesive group.

Jabby tells Jill that “Abby Lee Miller” was not put on this earth to make her child feel special. She interviews that Jill has put herself back on probation and if she opens her mouth again, she’ll be out. To the moms, Jabby warns that she is willing to lose one of them to make the group cohesive. Jill whines to us that she’s done nothing but try to get along and she’s been nothing but beaten down. She says no one has given her or Kendall credit and they are coming back with their guns drawn. Thanks for the warning, Jill.

Git ready, y’all, I’m a’comin’

Next time: Okay, still couldn’t get the DVR to work, but I watched the teaser on Lifetime.com and it looks like each girls will be doing a solo and Jill screams at everyone in a ridiculous cowboy hat that she is not “Becky Home Ec-ey”. Ha ha. Also, something gets canceled and Maddie may or may not be hurt.

What did you guys think about this episode? Is Leslie going to come back to the studio and open fire some day? Has Jabby been replaced with a pod person? Will Jill agree to give Jabby pedicures and do her laundry to get better parts for Kendall? Will I ever recover from seeing Jabby almost naked under a sheet?

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

xoxo,
SnoopK8

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