Dance Moms: It’s Electric!

This week on Dance Moms we will be dealing with the subject of costuming and choreography.  What is appropriate for an eight year old to wear?  Is there a difference between sexy and sassy?  What exactly IS a prostitot?

Drop me like I’m hot!

We meet back up with Jabby in the studio where she has gathered the kids and their moms for a post mortem competition talk.

Third place is second loser!!

After chastising Nia for mistakes that drag the group down and Chloe for her headband malfunction, Jabby moves on to this week’s routine: Electricity.  She tells us she would refer to it as West Coast jazz or L.A. jazz; it’s hot and sassy, what you would see in a music video.

Were you wondering who tops the pyramid this week?

See what happens when you push through the puking?  Because she’s at the top, Maddie will start out the routine front and center.  Maddie will also be competing with a solo as will Chloe.

Jabby’s ready to start the number so the moms are dismissed to the skybox.  As she runs through choreography in the studio, Jabby gives us the low down on this week’s competition.  This time around they will be competing at Starquest in Lancaster, PA.

Up in the skybox Christi is keeping an eye on rehearsal and telling us her goal this year is for Chloe to beat Maddie.  She tells us as Chloe’s mom it’s her job to motivate her because she thinks her daughter has star potential.  I think Christi’s definition of motivation is vastly different from mine.

Maddie topping the pyramid is not going over well in the skybox and the moms whine and complain about who is at the bottom of the pyramid while bitching and moaning about Maddie being at the top once again.

I’m thinking about inducing food poisoning to prove my kid can push through puke too!

Christi continues to bitch and moan about the Maddie/Chloe showdown and I have to give Melissa (Maddie’s mom) a hand because she does not lose her shit and go off on them the way I think I might if they were talking smack in front of me.

I’ll be laughing all the way to the awards ceremony.

Melissa tells us she doesn’t care what the other moms think; her daughter IS the star and maybe that’s because she is the best.  She thinks she is the best dancer at the studio and hopes to see her win dancer of the year at Nationals this year.  WHICH ONE?  AGH!!!  I hate that this show keeps trying to make it seem like there is only one nationals; it’s so annoying.

Jabby tells us her mom is an awesome teacher and she is continuing that legacy.  When she was a young dance student, she realized her talents were best utilized for choreography and behind the scenes rather than on stage performing.  Ha!!

Come on, people!  Can you really see me dancing?

So…..she started her own company at the age of fourteen.  Wait.  Hold on a minute.  Did she say fourteen?  Rewind, replay.  YUP, she certainly did.  Whoa.  So at fourteen she wasn’t good enough to compete herself but wanted to win trophies, so she set up her own company of girls that could actually dance that she could berate at will and they would win her trophies and awards.  And her mother allowed this?

You got a problem with that?

Actually, I do.  It’s not that I think a fourteen year old can’t do choreography or even teach other students, but there’s something about the way she says it that doesn’t sit well with me.  It comes back to the way she treats the kids and the moms now and I think she enjoys the power she has WAY too much.

Back in rehearsal she tells Brooke to make a move sexier, do it like she’s seventeen.  Brooke’s mom doesn’t like it; she thinks it’s too sexy.  Then she tells us that they’re going to Lancaster for the competition this time around which we’ve already been told.  She tells us they don’t usually do Starquest because Lancaster is not like a West Coast town.  That’s completely ridiculous because Starquest doesn’t only have their competition in Lancaster and in fact, do have dates on the west coast.

The producers told me to make a big deal about Lancaster so that’s what I’m doing.

The mom brigade is concerned about the dance moves.  Jabby doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about her routines because it is her studio and her company.  She doesn’t have her own children (THANK GOD) but she teaches children from three years old to eighteen; she practically raises them.  HA!!!

Back in the skybox it’s not ALL bitching about the dance or Jabby.  Melissa tells the other moms that someone new came in to audition and she thinks Jabby is going to put her in their group.

Come again?

Melissa goes on telling them that if they think she is perky and happy, just wait.  She calls Cathy Mr. Rogers’ wife which is both hilarious and sorta true.  She also drops the bomb on the other moms that Cathy is a dance teacher.

I gotta admit I don’t get that either.  Well, I do, but I’m assuming Cathy knows she’s a crappy dance teacher so she’s taking her kid to someone else OR she knows her kid is crappy and doesn’t want people in her studio to think she’s to blame.  Either way, Christi is already annoyed by Melissa’s perky goody two shoes ways so she’s not looking forward to Snobby Poppins joining the skybox gang.  LOL, Snobby Poppins is a good one.

It’s now three days until competition and the girls rush to look like they’ve been stretching as Jabby arrives at rehearsal.  She asks if everyone is there and I wonder just how fucking lazy this woman is.  I mean there’s what?  Five kids in the group?  She can’t look around and see if there are five kids in the room?

I stopped looking around when I was fourteen; I’m better at asking if everyone’s here than counting.

Before they start rehearsal today they will be having a costume fitting.  Oh goody!  The girls are really excited to see what they look like and Holly tells us she just tries not to add up the bills because she would probably pass out on the floor.

Nia comes out for her fitting and Holly does a double take, wondering aloud where the rest of the costume is.

Jabby says that’s it, they’re going to spice it up.  Christi calls it “skin to win”.  It’s funny because I think these costumes are the same one that the “Single Ladies” dance used.  You know, the one that caused the big ole scandal?  Yes, this is that costume except in turquoise instead of red.  Hmmmmm……ya think Jabby picked it for the drama factor?

Christi pops up again to talk about how they’re competing in Lancaster and it’s the home of the Amish.  She says their regular dancewear would cause some people in Lancaster to have a stroke, let alone these things.  SO UNTRUE.  Okay, yes, Lancaster is Amish-town.  BUT.  There are a ton of dance competitions that have stops in Lancaster and let’s be real: the judges are not Amish.  In fact, these costumes are not the worst I’ve ever seen in terms of skimpiness, scandal or no scandal.  So all this hullbaloo about Lancaster?  Is a LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE.

Kelly thinks they have to wear stuff like this to win and really, the girls are thinking that they’re wearing a bra to dance in; it’s just their costumes.  Holly’s not buying it; the girls may not think of it that way but there are certainly people in the audience that might.  Christi thinks it looks sleazy and Holly absolutely thinks it looks too sexy.  Jabby would like them not to use the word sexy (even though just minutes ago she was telling Brooke to be sexier and do it like she was a seventeen year old).  She prefers the word skimpy.  Holly doesn’t care what word you use, it’s still inappropriate.

Jabby could give a shit again about what they think.  She tells us that if they don’t like what she’s doing they can go open their own studio.  People come to her because of her credentials and her success rate.

Plus there’s always that possibility I might eat their child.

Some people will do anything to get rid of their kid! As Chloe comes in for her fitting Jabby asks her what she thinks of the costume.  She loves it.  DUH.  Christi says it’s embarrassing to have her daughter dancing on stage dressed like that; the kids look like prostitots.  And yet you allow them to dance in that costume.

Once again, I have to point out that while I do not like her, Jabby is right.  If they don’t like what she is doing, they should either make a bigger stink or take their kids somewhere else.  But as is the case SO many times, they continue to bitch and moan while allowing their kids to do something they SAY they object to.  Actions speak louder than words ladies.

Christi wants to know what Chloe thinks her dad would say about the costume.  Again, Jabby doesn’t care.  She says that until he’s there working and cleaning and painting he doesn’t get a say.  Let me tell you something – even if he did do all that, he still wouldn’t get a say.

Let’s take a little break from the costume issue and check in on Cathy and Vivi.  They’re in the car driving (I imagine) to Jabby’s studio as Cathy tells us that Jabby demands only three things if you want to be on her competition team: time, dedication and money.  Um, shouldn’t talent be on that list as well???

Pishauw!  Talent, schmalent.  Cathy’s got all three items that Jabby wants and she’s going to spend whatever it takes which tells you she have the most important thing of all:  $$$$$.  She is driving her kid two and a half hours to go to Jabby’s studio because she makes kids stars.  First of all, I would like to see some concrete proof of that.  Second, is Cathy fucking crazy or what??

What?

They arrive to start working with Jabby and she sends Cathy over to work the music.  It’s really a step up from the other moms considering they’re always banished to the skybox.  I’m betting that won’t go over too well.  Vivi tells us her favorite thing to do is to dance and play baseball.  I will bet a thousand dollars this kid hardly ever gets to play baseball.

Jabby starts to work with her and Vivi doesn’t seem to know some basic terms which causes Jabby to tell us all about how she gets kids in from other studios all the time that haven’t been taught proper terminology.  I wish I could say she’s a big fat liarpants, but I’ve seen that so much I know she is telling it like it is in this instance.  Honestly, it’s pretty pathetic what can pass for a dance teacher in some studios.

Jabby thinks that Vivi needs a lot of work, but she’s going to go ahead and let her compete this weekend because her mom paid her a shit ton of money she thinks it will be good for her.  The other moms look on from the skybox while asking Melissa a bunch of questions since she seems to be the only one who has the 411.  Does she come from a competition studio?  Her mom said she was on a team.

Doesn’t look like it.

Nice, Kelly.  Jabby is putting Vivi and Mackenzie together this weekend to do a little duo.  Jabby sees the moms looking on in the skybox and tells us she has a group of moms in her studio (those ones) that have caused many students to leave because they’re always talking shit about other people’s kids.  She wants them to go get a job and pick their kid up at the end of the night.  Dance teachers across America give that one a hearty AMEN, SISTA!

As the duet rehearsal goes on Christi is getting pissed that Cathy’s been allowed to stay inside the studio.  Wah wah wah.  Just at that moment (what a coincidence and entirely unplanned or staged) Jabby decides she doesn’t need Cathy’s expert play button pushing anymore, so she sends her on up to the skybox with the rest of the mom brigade.  I almost feel sorry for her.

She arrives in the skybox and there are “Hi”s all around.  Cathy astutely observes that they are rhinestoning stuff.  Kelly cheerfully (HA) tells her it’s for this weekend.  Cathy wants to confirm that someone is going to do hers as well.  Melissa tackles that one right away, telling her she has to do her own.  But what if you don’t know how to sew?

Figure it out, bitch!

Cathy is all about making new friends with the moms, so she tells them that at HER studio, they have people that they pay to do this kind of stuff.

Wow, I can just feel the love, can’t you?  Kelly thinks it’s weird that Cathy is bringing her kid here when she owns her own studio.  Why wouldn’t you just make your studio good enough for your kid?  She asks Cathy why she just doesn’t take her daughter to her studio.

That’s just the silliest thing I ever heard!

Jabby takes some time to work on Maddie’s solo and Maddie tells us she dances seven days a week from 4pm to 10pm.  Sounds like the kid might need a nap!  She then says they don’t get home until about 11:45, so it sounds like Cathy’s not the only one driving far to get here.  Insanity!!

Maddie tells us that Chloe is her biggest competitor, but she knows she’s better than her because she’s won many awards than her.  Maddie may want to think about doing some of her homework once in a while.  Because Maddie’s getting attention, it’s time for Christi to start bitching.  But not to Jabby, nope.  She bitches to the other moms that Chloe’s doing HER solo this weekend, why isn’t Jabby working with her kid?

What’s she trying to get at?

Christi continues to bitch to us and then goes home and has Chloe rehearse on their porch at godonlyknows WHAT hour.  Her neighbors must love her.  She wonders if Jabby gave her kid 1/20 of the attention she gives Maddie what kind of dancer her daughter could be.  This lady sure does spend a lot of time whining.

We take a quick break and rejoin the dancers and Jabby at rehearsals.  It’s now one day to competition.  Ah, look at that!  She’s working with Chloe on her solo.  By the way, that still not doesn’t Christi from bitching about how much attention Maddie gets versus what her daughter gets.  OHMYGOD, shut the fuck up!!!!

Meanwhile, Jabby tells us that even though tomorrow is the competition; she has no doubt that they are just going to blow this thing out of the water.  She goes on, telling us that Chloe is one of her strongest dancers and is really coming along nicely, there’s a couple of things she needs to work on, mainly just applying the corrections she’s been given.  I’m sure Christi would bitch that Maddie has no corrections to work on or some such shit.

The day goes on and Cathy arrives later, around 5:45 to find the moms rhinestoning again.  She makes a joke about not being a stoner and it goes over just about as you’d expect with this group of women.

I’d like to stone YOU, ya rich bitch.

Christi wonders what there is to do where they’re going.  Don’t worry honey; I’m sure the convention center has a bar.  Melissa also points out that the outlets are there, and I wonder how they think they’re going to have time to go shopping when their kids are competing.

Did you not see me at the bar last week?

Kelly tells Cathy she’s going to be too busy changing Vivi’s costumes (for all of her ONE dance) to go shopping.  Or is she going to have someone change her too?  Damn skippy!!  That would be pretty funny.

Christi is so stressed out about everything she needs to do at home.  Her house is a disaster area and she really wants to get home before her husband so he doesn’t see what a mess it is.  I’m sure he’s seen it a mess before.  It’s now 7:15 and she’s saying she didn’t even make dinner for kids.  Well, DUH, you’ve been at the studio all fucking day.  Why not go home and come back later to pick your kid up?  Sounds like Jabby would jump for joy (if she can jump at all) were that to happen.

Christi is heading for a full blown melt down and now is saying Chloe needs sleep.  Oh, and now she’s crying.

I need to goooooooo hoooooome

So GO!!!!  JESUS!  I really have no sympathy for her right now.  If they really are there for a solid block of four hours, get the fuck out, go home and do some shit and then come back at the end of the night to pick your kid up.  If you love too far way to do that, maybe it’s time to find a studio closer to your house.  BUT if you choose to drive far, and you choose to have your kid on a team that you KNOW practices a ton of hours, then SUCK IT UP.

So now she goes over to Jabby at the desk saying she needs to know what’s going on because she just can’t stay until 9pm tonight; she hasn’t been home since eight this morning.  Christi points out that Chloe is just a little girl and seven hours of dance is a lot.  Jabby has no sympathy and tells her she’d better not have her audition for any Broadway shows then because they work twelve hours a day.

You want fame?  Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.  IN SWEAT.

Jabby points out that Chloe can sleep on the bus for five hours tomorrow, and then asks Chloe what she wants to do and really, what is the kid supposed to say?  She says she thinks she needs to get some sleep.  Jabby’s like you wanna leave, leave.

They head out into the parking lot where Christi proceeds to have another meltdown.  This time she crying to her daughter and telling her she has to stay and do her solo.  She’s so sorry, but if she wants to come home they should probably pull her solo.  This mom is a fucking nut.  Why the hell would you do that to your kid?  So was her meltdown in the studio just about getting attention?  GAH!

She tells us she always wanted to be a dancer when she was a kid but was never given that opportunity.  When she makes decisions for her children she tries to do that based on what’s right for her kids.  You know, like making a stink about needing to go home and then sending her kid back in there alone.

To face this.

And ya know Jabby isn’t letting that shit go.  She berates Chloe for her mom’s behavior and points out that Maddie is still here working without complaint.  She tells Chloe she should NEVER be leaving early; this is what’s important, this is her life right now.

I wish I could give this kid a hug.

It’s 6am the day of competition and everyone gathers at the studio to ride together to the competition by bus.  I have to tell you Gasmi, I would lose my fucking sanity if I had to ride to competition with everyone on our team.  HELL NO.

Cathy hilariously leaves her bag sitting in the parking lot as she and Vivi get on the bus, as the other moms get on and talk to us, the cameraman helpfully keeps giving us shots of the lone bags sitting there.  I think how hilariously it would be if they were left behind, but eventually Cathy realizes that she’s expected to deal with her own bags.

Meanwhile, we’re back to talk about how conservative Lancaster is and how their costumes are going to be perceived.  I think I’ve already covered that, right?  It would be one thing if they were out dancing in the field with the horse poop and bonnets, but honestly, those costumes are not going to cause the stir that they would have you all believe.  I hate the fake drama on this show; there’s enough in real life that they don’t have to make shit up.

There’s yelling at the bus driver, there’s makeup application, and there’s tons of passive aggressive bitching going on during the four hour trip that have to competition.  Oh, I take it back; I really wish I could experience this with the other dance moms at our studio.

They arrive, and it looks like Chloe’s up first with her solo.

I don’t know why she’s dressed like a pocket bride, but she’s a good little dancer from what we’re shown.  I think she’s going to do well for herself.  She comes offstage to a giant hug from mom (as it should be) and a “watch your feet at the end” from Jabby.  Although she does say other than that she thought it was good.

Then it’s time for Maddie’s solo.

Another really good performance.  Jabby tells us if she had to evaluate the two girls’ performances she would say they were neck to neck; both did an outstanding job today.  Maddie comes offstage to a hug and a “good job” from Jabby.  Christi immediately bitches about it.

At the awards ceremony for solos we see Maddie win a first place trophy which makes it seem like Chloe lost to her.  BUT.  I actually went over to Starquest’s website to look at the regional results for this city and FYI……Maddie and Chloe weren’t even up against each other.  They were in completely different age categories.  Not only that, they BOTH took first place in their respective groups.

Another example of unnecessarily manufactured drama.  HATE.

Time for Vivi and Mackenzie to do their duo.  Cathy is nervous that Vivi is going to forget the dance.  Vivi tells us that sometimes she wishes she could just stay home.

I also wish I could burn this fucking bow.

Their duo goes off without a hitch and earns them a big hug from Jabby.  So she either thought they did great or she’s trying to smother them.  It’s hard to tell the difference.

Group number time.  We see quick snippets of some of the other groups, some of which I wish we could see more of.  Christi tells us that the costumes for their girls are completely inappropriate and many dance steps are just unacceptable.  Of course this doesn’t cause her to pull her kid from the dance or studio, just to bitch about everything, but not to Jabby.  What purpose would that serve?

Holly joins in on the bitchfest to us, saying she wants to support her daughter but she’s conflicted.  She thinks that the costumes, makeup and moves could get them disqualified because there is always a clause about appropriateness in the competition rules.  She’s not actually wrong about that, but I have NEVER seen a number disqualified and only heard about a couple.  This one is not going to even come close to what those were.

More prostitot/Amish talk.  Blah, blah, blah.

That was sloppy.  I don’t think they have to worry about getting penalized for costumes; they didn’t really dance it well.  Nia isn’t going to be moving up the pyramid either as she really messes up very noticeably in a couple of sections.  They’re still good dancers, but this wasn’t their best performance.

Holly’s still bitching about the dance to us saying it’s not something she would want anyone from her school seeing her daughter doing.  I just can’t.  At the group awards the top five are announced and Jabby’s group doesn’t place at all.  I’m sure it’s because of the whole Amish/prostitot thing.

Christi thinks the judges were trying to make a statement.  Yeah, they don’t like sloppy dancing.  Jabby sends the girls off but Holly and Christi want to talk to her.  They tell her how inappropriate they think the dance was for their kids and again, Jabby doesn’t give a crap what they think.

Blah, blah, blah, Holly thinks people are judging her for letting her kid perform in that dance (they probably are).  Jabby says if they feel that way maybe they should stay at home.  Hey, ya gotta hand it to her; she really doesn’t give a crap what any of them think.  Why should she?  It’s not like they’re taking their kids and going somewhere else, is it?

Jabby tells us that these parents are ruining their kids by opening their mouth; everyone is replaceable.  She is not going to stand for this behavior from the moms again.  Oh, it’ll happen again.  And she’ll take it just like they take her shit.  It is so unbelievable to me that these people pay someone to treat their kids and THEM like this and yet bitch and moan and moan and bitch.  If you don’t like the situation you’re in, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

And that’s this week’s show, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Were you scandalized by the costumes?  Do you find the moms as annoying as I do?  What about the whole Maddie vs. Chloe fake drama?  I cannot WAIT to hear what you all have to say about this one!

Just an FYI….I will be away for the next episode.  I’m not sure yet who Flipit has filling in for me, but I’m sure you guys will have a blast with whoever it is!  I’ll be back the following week.  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth