Dance Moms Recap: Benches, Guns and Dummies

Previously on Dance Moms: Dance Xplosion (apparently they don’t need the E) was canceled so the girls had to go to Texas; Nia had a panic attack but got over it; Maddie fell; Jill threw shoes and threatened to leave (again); Jabby told Jill she had a big decision to make regarding staying or finding a new studio.

The girls assemble in the studio and Jabby barks that they have a big week coming up. They will be going to Hollywood Vibe right there in Pittsburgh so it’s a must-win. In fact, Jabby says, they have a “target” on their back.

It’s hard to dance with a Target on your back

They are doing a group number called Private Eyes, they will be using guns as props and they must “blow the competition away.” (Drink.)

Christi interviews that she’s not thrilled about the guns because they send the wrong message. But she says “I’m so used to sending the wrong message at Abby’s, I should just give up.” Or put your daughter in a normal studio. Just sayin’.

Pyramid time: Mackenzie is last, or as Jabby puts it, she went from “first to worst.” Aww. Poor Mackenzie. Say goodbye, because this is the last time you will see her in this episode.

Say hello, wave goodbye

Nia’s next, with Jab saying she did well and had no problems. Next is Kendall. Jabby says she had a costume issue, but at the end of the day she needs to work on her technique. Last on the bottom row is MADDIE. Jeez. Poor Maddie is in some kind of death spiral. I hope we don’t see her on Intervention soon. Jabby says that she could have been seriously injured in her fall and not to pout because she knows she made a mistake.

Melissa interviews that Maddie shouldn’t be on the bottom because “things happen” and it’s just good she didn’t get hurt. So are you saying the pyramid isn’t so fair now that Miss Maddie is on the bottom? Jabby has a Chicken Soup for the Soul moment and says the lesson for everyone is “don’t change your mind in midair.” She should write a self-help book.

Next row: Chloe. She did well, but not well enough. Brooke did well, but fizzled out at the end. On top: Paige! Everyone hugs her. Jab congratulates her and says her legs were straight and her feet were pointed. Kelly says Paige has never been on top before. Good job, Paige.

Besides the group number (which won’t include Mackenzie), Maddie, Chloe and Paige will do a trio. Kendall is unhappy and Jab screams at her to “get that look off your face” because they need to win this week and can’t take any chances. Shrill interviews that they decided to stay at the studio to make it work because they are “team players.” Like Tonya Harding.

Chloe and Maddie will do solos. Jab says they are two champions who have already won at Hollywood Vibe and one of them better win again.

For the group number, Jabby reminds them that the last time they went to Hollywood Vibe (in St. Louis) they didn’t win and it was “embarrassing” (or should I say Mbarrassing?). This week’s routine will have an edgy “Dick Tracy” vibe with guns.

Up in the booth, Melissa says she hopes they will just use their fingers as guns because gun guns are not allowed. Holly says the moms should put their foot down because they do have some standards. Since when? Shrill of course says she has no problem with the guns. Not that I do either, because, for christ’s sake, they’re not real and it’s not like they’re reenacting Columbine, but Shrill is an irritating kiss-ass. Christi: We’re gonna blow the competition away. (Drink.)

Melissa decides (or is prompted by producers) to stir up shit by saying she’s glad that Paige is back in the trio. Kelly says she thinks Paige should have gotten a solo because she was on top of the pyramid. Shrill, with the bitchiest bitchface that ever bitched, says she doesn’t understand this.

I know not of what you speak

Christi interviews that Shrill doesn’t understand why Kelly’s upset about Paige not having a solo, but that Shrill was mad at Kelly for being upset when Kendall was in the trio. Or something. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but Christi opens her Olde Tyme Booke of Cliches and says, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” (Drink!)

Holly is feeling left out so she jumps in to say that her kid has been here since she was three and has never had a trio. Shrill pulls out her usual chestnut that maybe if Holly were THERE more often, Nia would get more parts. Holly snaps back that she doesn’t want to pay extra for it and that happy ending massages are not in her budget. Meanwhile, Christi says it looks like Kendall is getting a special part down on the floor. She says it looks like the gifts Shrill bought for Jabby were “money well spent.”

Shrill launches into a monologue about how she doesn’t understand why they always jump down her throat like she slashed their tires or something. “I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m just trying to make things better for myself and my daughter.”

Kelly: “When the gifts don’t work out, watch your tires!” LOL.

Next day, Shrill shows up with a park bench for the studio. Jabby hugs her. It’s engraved with Shrill’s and Kendall’s names.

This will endear you to everyone

Jabby says “you know everyone’s gonna hate you.” Shrill says it’s just a little something they can all appreciate; that it’s not just for Jabby, but for everyone. Jabby’s like, yeah, next can you work on my heating system? Also, my check engine light is on.

The moms of course are thrilled by this. Holly says now she’s seen everything. Christi says she thought Melissa was bad but Shrill has raised the brown nosing ante. She wonders how Melissa will ever top this. To Shrill, she says “maybe you’ll get to the top of the ass-kissing pyramid.”

In the studio dressing room, Shrill says the moms could have been more receptive to the bench since it’s for everyone. Christi points out that the engraving on it says “From Jill and Kendall.” Shrill changes the subject, saying that everyone always picks on her. Christi says it’s because she’s a “diva, table for one.”

Shrill says a table for one diva doesn’t give people things. Christi says she doesn’t have to buy her way through life the way Shrill thinks she can buy special treatment. Christi adds that Chloe works hard every day and deserves special treatment but doesn’t get it. To Shrill she says, “Why don’t you storm out now because we’d like to talk about you.”

Please leave so we can call you names

Shrill says to say it to her face. So Christi calls her a “conniving bitch.” Heh.

The girls rehearse the group number and Jabby demonstrates her “sexy” look, prompting the moms upstairs to dissolve into hysterical laughter. Christi says “explain no further why we’re not married.”

Come up and see me sometime

Downstairs, Jabby is making Nia and Kendall do 20 punishment pushups because their knees were bent or something. Jab summons Shrill downstairs. (I thought Shrill was wearing the same shower curtain shirt from the massage episode, but evidently she has another one.)

Linens-n-things called. They want their shit back.

Jab says she gave Kendall a special part but she’s getting sloppy and Shrill has to be as tough as she is to make sure Kendall’s legs remain straight. Shrill interviews that she’s willing to give Kendall a private lesson or re-side Jabby’s house to make sure Kendall nails the turn sequence.

The trio rehearses as Jabby yells, mostly at Paige. She says Paige didn’t show up a month for class and that her mom just sits up there and screams. (We didn’t see any of this – what’s that all about?)

Upstairs, Kelly calls Jabby “chickenshit” for saying stuff to her daughter and not to her face. She goes downstairs to comfort Paige, who is crying. Jab interviews that this is BAD PARENTING and Kelly should let the teacher handle the situation. Jabby tells Paige to “Suck it up, because there’s another kid waiting to get in here.” Yes, that’s a much better way of handling it. She should also write a book on parenting to go with her self-help book.

The result of good parenting

Jabby interviews that the girls learned the trio number three months ago but forgot it, not because they’re kids, but because they’re “irresponsible dancers.” She screams at Chloe who is also crying. Way to go Jab, you got two out of the three trio dancers to cry. Let’s go for all three. Jabby yells that she will call and get their money back if they don’t want to go to the competition.

Jabby interviews, “Was I politically correct? No! Was I furious? Yes!” Well, not so much politically incorrect as emotionally abusive, but tomayto – tomahto.

Jabby screams that the moms are “enabling” the kids to make mistakes and not own them. She asks what all the tears are about and Christi’s like uh, because you are screaming in little kids’ faces? Jabby: “Grow up!” Christi: “No, YOU grow up.”

Christi tells Jabby that she should BE so lucky to have Chloe as her student and everyone knows it but her. Jabby says “I made her, I know it!” (Because, once again, it’s all about her.) Christi screeches “Were you pregnant for nine months? I MADE HER.”

More yelling. Christi storms out and Jabby says, “White trash. I didn’t sign up for this.” Ugh. This episode is soooo not fun. Can’t we have some Vivi or Cathy to lighten the mood?

Next day, the girls rehearse the group number with fake guns. Kelly says she hopes they get disqualified because of the guns. Maddie interviews that props are okay, but she would never touch a real gun. (Until she blows her brains out after not being on top of the pyramid next week.)

Holly says she doesn’t support the gun decision because they are not appropriate. Oh for fuck’s sake. We are raising a generation of pussies. My parents sent me to school with guns, whiskey and cigarettes in my lunchbox. Holly approaches Jabby about the guns, saying they are “aggressive.” Of course they’re aggressive. They’re fucking guns. Jabby says she’s done numbers with kids and guns and they ended up winning everything. She interviews that guns are often used on stage, for example in Chicago. She wants the girls to go on stage “ARMED AND DANGEROUS.” (Drink.)

Chloe and Maddie rehearse their respective solos. Jabby interviews that Maddie needs to be on the bottom so she can work harder to be on the top.

Kendall runs the music while the other girls rehearse the trio.

I got up at 6 am for this?

Shrill sits upstairs and bitches that her daughter is spending all her dance time “sitting on the floor.” Shrill’s like, what did *I* do that she has to run the music? Christi’s like “You threw a shoe?”

Christi interviews that if she had thrown a shoe, Jabby would’ve “snuffed Chloe out like a cigarette.”

Holly tries to talk Shrill out of going down to talk to Jabby, but Shrill being Shrill, does not listen and goes down there anyway.

No really, Abby loves it when you interrupt class

Shrill yells at Jabby that she’s not paying for Kendall to sit on the floor and that she should be dancing or doing homework or something productive. She is basically being a total C-word. Upstairs, Christi’s like “is she yelling? She took her 900-number voice off for Abby.” Heh.

Downstairs, Jabby kicks Shrill and Kendall out. She interviews that Kendall is adorable and she doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to her, but Shrill’s not playing by her rules.

Shrill storms out after saying she’s not putting up with this crap anymore. I guess a park bench engraved with her name on it doesn’t buy as much as it used to.

Competition day. Jabby interviews again that they’re in their own backyard and “everyone” is out to get them. She’s worried about Chloe because the Intermediate age group is tough. But she dances and does really well.

Christi says it’s her best solo to date. Even Jabby says she was amazing, that her “emotional execution” was the best she’s ever seen it.

Before her solo, Maddie interviews that she’s afraid of falling again. But she pulls it off.

Jabby says she hit everything she needed to and was amazing.

Before the trio goes on, Paige interviews that she nervous because Hollywood Vibe has good dancers. They go on and the spacing is off again. Jabby is afraid to watch.

Is it me, or is it weird how little time this show actually spends on dancing?

Solo awards. Chloe comes in second overall, while Maddie comes in first overall. I’m sure they fudged those results somehow so anyone who wants to find out what actually happened please post in the comments.

The trio comes in second place or “First loser on stage” as Jabby puts it. Jabby screams that Maddie was great in the solo, but Paige was late and the spacing was off. Kelly tells Jab to say positive things to the girls, but Jab says she doesn’t want to keep enabling them to make mistakes. Holly says she could point out mistakes without belittling them. What fun would that be? Jabby says that she doesn’t have her success rate because of her delivery. No, it’s definitely IN SPITE of her delivery.

Jab interviews that she’s been doing this for 31 years and that this isn’t a “dance camp.”

More like a Soviet work camp, circa 1932

Kelly says kids need to have hope and not be crushed. Jabby says if her kid (Paige) actually loved to dance, she would have remembered the trio. Kelly: “Whatever.”

Christi starts yelling about Jabby made Chloe cry and Jabby brings up when Chloe forgot her routine at “Nationals” last year. Christi calls Jabby a “Negative Nellie, glass half-full.” Christi, Christi, Christi. Someone with your background and expertise in cliches should know better than to mix them like that.

Meanwhile, Shrill has been fraternizing in the hall with people from her old studio. Christi interviews that she’s not surprised because Shrill is always looking for greener grass. Christi mentions this to Shrill, who says she has to keep her options open and it’s none of their business who she talks to. Christi tells her to just go back to her old studio if she loves it so much. Shrill screams at Christi and Kelly that they constantly bitch about Jabby but they never leave. More back and forth until Shrill says she can’t take them anymore and leaves. Christi: “What a surprise, Jill stormed out again.”

Jabby is in the dressing room waving the fake guns around. Holly says she’s having a ball with the guns.

Dance I say!

They do the group number and it’s awesome. (Maddie does always have a goofy look on her face. Anyone else notice this?)

Holly interviews that they looked fantastic and they were full of energy. She wishes she were horrified by the guns, but the number was better than she thought. Which suggests to me she never really cared about the guns in the first place and that whole thing was BS.

Jabby tells the girls they looked “gorgeous” and finally danced like a group instead of six soloists. They win their category, I guess? But don’t win overall. Holly admits that the number looked great and Jabby asks “Doesn’t your stomach hurt from eating so much crow?”

But naturally Shrill can’t have any pleasantness, so she mentions that “not all the kids were used to their fullest potential.” Hmm, who could she be talking about? Jabby tells Shrill that she’s not learning from her mistakes and is being combative. Jabby interviews “Butt out, follow the rules and let me work with Kendall.” She says Shrill’s idea of a special part is to have everyone stand still on stage while Kendall dances in the middle. I think she is right about that.

Shrill says she doesn’t think Jabby should run her studio like that. Jabby screeches that she produces “employable working dancers, not competition kids.” She tells Shrill to keep her eye on the ball and the big picture. Shrill says she’s sick of being behind Maddie and Chloe and that she doesn’t like the big picture. UGH. What. A. Twunt.

Jabby interviews that she doesn’t know what will happen to Kendall, but that Shrill is out to destroy her. Meanwhile, Shrill is yelling for Jabby to give Kendall a solo or a trio. Jabby tells her, “don’t worry. I have something in mind for her…”

Next week: Kendall is back on probation! Cathy’s back, hopefully to provide a little levity. The girls are doing some kind of bridal number and Holly threatens to leave because of something that’s probably not a big deal.

Phew. So did you all thing this episode was as negative and depressing as I did? It was like an episode of Real Housewives with less plastic surgery (except for Jill) and no drinking. Oh well, hopefully next week will be better. Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!

xoxo,
SnoopK8

Please come back. You can be as crazy as you want. Also: Free Vivi

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!