Hello, Gasmii and welcome to the end of our Pittsburgh journey, at least for now. Does anyone know if there will be a season 3? Google isn’t helping me out with that. As I said in the mini, this episode was quite emotional all around.
Previously: Nia twisted her ankle but danced through her pain; Christi and Kelly ganged up on Melissa for enabling Jabby’s Maddie favoritism and Chloe froze up on stage but pulled herself together and kept going.
The girls are in NYC to rehearse for the “exclusive” Joffrey Ballet School audition, which Jabby dubs the “chance of a lifetime.” She notes that competition season was extremely tough, but it was also extremely rewarding and says the girls are ready for whatever New York City has to offer.
They line up in a borrowed studio and Jabby screeches that New York is the “Dance Mecca of the world.” She says that everyone they pass by on the street has probably taken a dance class in their life. As a resident of NYC – and I can only speak for myself – I have, in fact, taken a dance class in my life. Does that qualify me to audition for Joffrey? After all, 20,000 people a year try out for them.
Jabby tells the girls that there are many, many competition winners out there but only a few make it in the industry. Then she yells at them for their performance in Michigan. She says that they will never win a group dance until everyone is dancing at the same level. She says when the choreography calls for unison dancing they need to dance in unison and bottom line, they are just sloppy losers.
Pyramid time. As Christi says, “luckily the pyramid found its way to Manhattan!” Luckily, indeed.
On the bottom we have Paige. Jabby says she corrected her arms, but she did not put her phone away. Huh? Kelly asks if Paige can’t get some credit for what she DID do and Jabby gives her a sarcastic golf clap.
Mackenzie and her neon leopard leotard are next.
Your performance was spotty
Jab says Mackenzie can improvise when doing a solo, but not when she’s in a trio because that makes other girls look like idiots. Chloe is next because she forgot her routine. Jabby says she’s not seven anymore and she can’t just make up her own moves. She says that will result in a pink slip and the unemployment line.
Second row is Nia because she worked through her hurt foot. But Jabby says she still needs to work on her technique. Next we have Brooke, who, although she did what she needed to do, Jabby wants to see more from her. Brooke interviews that she would give more, but “Miss Abby” spends all her time working with the other girls. I’m sure Kelly had nothing to do with that observation.
On top is Maddie, who met the “challenge” of being on top for the fifth week in a row. Yeah, it’s quite a challenge when your teacher who is weirdly obsessed with you puts you on top of the arbitrary gauge that she made up and that she administers every week. Christi interviews that this is “no big surprise.” Also no big surprise: Christi whining that it’s no big surprise.
Jabby again talks about how important the Joffrey audition is and that even though 20,000 people try out, there are only a handful of scholarships given out. Melissa interviews that she’s nervous because the girls don’t do a lot of ballet and she hopes they don’t embarrass themselves. What she obviously means is “all the girls EXCEPT Maddie, because Maddie is the best dancer ever.”
Then Jabby says she’s SHOCKED the girls aren’t dressed like ballerinas even though she didn’t tell them to dress like ballerinas and they’re not actually auditioning for Joffrey at the moment. She tells them from now on, she expects them to wear pink tights, black leotards and their hair in a bun. She says the look is half the battle. It’s so important that it apparently didn’t occur to her to mention it to them before they came to rehearsal.
Oh, and by the way, after the super duper life changing Joffrey tryout, they will go to Paramus, NJ for a Starbound competition. Jabby interviews again that she’s had it with these girls and their stupid not-winning.
This week’s group number will feature the girls as jailbait, er, inmates, and will be a takeoff of Cellblock Tango from Chicago. Did she actually say the name of the number? I don’t think so. But that’s the gist of it. Chloe will do a solo because she needs to “get back on that horse” after last week’s spectacular failure. Maddie will also do a solo because Jabby would never allow Chloe to do a solo without Maddie also doing one.
Christi interviews that Jabby had too much on her plate last week (insert fat joke) with the two trios, two solos and group number, and why can’t they just focus on one thing this week?! Jabby says there is a time for pressure and this is it. They are representing 32 years of studio history, so they’d better not blow it! Jabby’s entire reputation is supposedly riding on this, so she gives the girls a half-assed number that she ripped off from Chicago that they won’t have time to rehearse properly. Sounds like a winning plan!
A mooing sound effect tells us we’re in Ohio.
Oh no, that’s just Crazy Cathy telling the Candy Apple’s that there is an open audition at Joffrey in NYC and they are going! I like how we’re supposed to believe that Jabby’s girls were “invited” to audition while the Candy Apple’s just acknowledge it as the open audition that it is. Oh and hey, guess what else? The Apple’s just happen to be going to Starbound in Paramus, too. What are the odds of that?? Cathy alleges that her studio has better ballet training and says that Jabby is “stuck in Vaudeville on a 1940s stage with her mom.” Well, geez, Cathy, two seconds of Googling would tell you that Vaudeville was pretty much dead by the 1940s, but I realize that facts are your nemis, so you’re forgiven.
In the Big Apple, Jabby is still trying to bully the girls into becoming ballet dancers. Holly says everyone is on edge because Jab is putting more pressure on them than usual. Kelly says Jabby is trying to squeeze two years of ballet training into a one hour class. Holly cuts the time even shorter by interrupting to ask what kind of leotards they should buy. I mean, really? You are a dance mom and you have no idea what kind of leotard to buy? This leads us to a scene where the moms go leotard shopping. They joke around about Jabby in a leotard and that’s just too horrifying to contemplate, so let’s move on.
Cathy says “everyone” knows that the Candy Apple’s have a “certain aura” about them when they enter a room. I think that’s called “failure.” Cathy tells Kendall that she’s ready to complete with Jabby’s girls and audition for Joffrey and that she is filling Taylor’s shoes. Poor broken-ankled Taylor. Doesn’t she have enough pain without being a part of Cathy’s nefarious schemes? Kendall says she’s nervous to dance in front of ballet judges since she is used to dancing in front of big audiences. Cathy tells Kendall she needs to rise to the occasion. She says “cream rises to the top, so let’s have ourselves a latte.”
I like you a latte!
Chloe rehearses her solo and tells us she is excited to portray the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland because she’s wanted to do it forever. Jabby says Chloe has the “viciousness” and “evil aspect” to really relate to the dark side. What’s your point, Jabby?
Jabby’s yelling at everyone, once AGAIN, about the group dance. She says they haven’t placed in the top for weeks so they need to be perfect this week. She tells them to go get their dance bags and get ready. Melissa whispers to the moms that Maddie and Mackenzie don’t have their bags. To Maddie she says “tell Abby you left them in the hotel.”
Maddie is really upset because she knows Jabby is going to be mad, which she is. Melissa says it’s her own fault, she should have made sure the girls had them. Jabby says no, it’s Maddie’s fault and Maddie is not allowed to make mistakes. Whoa. That’s healthy.
Then Jabby starts screaming that in that in NYC, there are 14- and 15-year-olds who are living on their own and paying their own bills. They can’t call on mommy to be responsible for them.
Melissa yells “it’s a pair of shoes, who cares!” and then interviews that Maddie is a perfectionist and hard on herself and that Jabby puts a ton of pressure on her. Then she takes a moment to yell at Maddie “stop with your face, I’m not in the mood.” Poor Maddie. No wonder she’s a mess. She’s gets it from every angle.
Christi, the unlikely voice of reason, interviews that it’s “parenting 101” not to freak out over a $14.99 pair of ballet slippers. She says just run down the street and get another pair. Meanwhile, Jabby is screaming at Melissa that it’s her fault that Maddie’s all unfocused. Jabby interviews that she has no time for this nonsense. If the group loses, she’s finished. Finished I tell you! Then she says the girls are “nowhere near ready” for Joffrey and she hopes they don’t embarrass her. No mention about how the girls might feel about not being ready for this supposedly life-changing audition…it’s all about her.
Christi interviews that the group number is a “hot mess” and she’s trapped in dance jail and can’t get out.
Holly, Kelly and Christi go to dinner. Christi says she’s never been so stressed from doing nothing. The other moms agree and Holly says that Jabby brings out the worst in them. Holly says she needs to find the balance between encouraging Nia and not letting her get her hopes up. She says she doesn’t expect Nia to win the scholarship, but she supports her because the audition is so important to her.
The moms bring up missing dance bag-gate and Kelly jokes that she’s never seen Maddie get in trouble before. She suggests that maybe Christi stole the bags. Christi says maybe she did and they all laugh. Seriously, that would be really mean, because Maddie obviously can’t handle little setbacks and would probably end up in an opium den on Canal Street in like two seconds.
Joffrey audition. More chatter about how this is the biggest deal ever and could make or break the girls for life. They are waiting in the hallway, when who should appear, but Crazy Cathy and her
eight tiny reindeer Candy Apple’s.
Kelly interviews that the Candy Apple’s need to get a life and stop following the Abby Lee Dance Company around.
Cathy’s kids are practicing in the hallway and Jabby helpfully tells them that if they don’t know it by now, they never will. Heh. Cathy yells that Jabby’s opinion doesn’t matter. Shrill interviews that running into Jabby & Co. has ruined her and Kendall’s moods. Even though they had to have known Jabby & Co. were going to be there.
Paige auditions first. She says she likes her piece and it has lots of tricks. Brooke’s up next and she does her acro tricks and then interviews that judges either love tricks or hate them. Judge: “I’m not a fan of tricks.”
The famous chin stand scene from Swan Lake
I feel like this would be obvious in an audition for a ballet school, but once again, what do I know. Next up is Nia and Holly is really nervous. Nia does her “death drop” from season one and is rewarded with a bitchface from the judge. Poor Nia. She tries so hard.
My girl Mackenzie is next and does… more tricks including a shimmy or something. One of the judges tells her that whoever taught her to “shake her bum bum is a dum dum.” Mackenzie interviews that Jabby taught her to shake it and she does it very well. She goes out and tells Jabby what the judge said. Jabby’s like, “that wasn’t me, that was your mother.” They all laugh, but that would explain a lot.
Candy Apple Justice (that sounds like an 80s TV series) goes next and stands around for a bit before marching in place. Based on that, I definitely could audition for Joffrey. A random Candy Apple dances and the judge asks her if she really needs that much makeup for a ballet audition. LOL.
Honey, this is real ballet, not drag queen ballet
Then Kendall goes. The judge says she enjoyed Kendall’s arms, which I believe is the ballet equivalent of “she has a good personality.”
Finally Chloe goes and dances to some Chariots of Fire-type music. She is the first one who actually looks like a ballerina (relatively speaking, I mean).
The judges tell her she has natural ability and she should take more ballet classes. Perhaps at the Joffrey school?
Maddie’s on deck and she interviews that she’s nervous to go up against Chloe because Chloe is better at ballet. Maddie goes in and does the same damn lyrical routine that she does every week, although I liked her turns. I have no idea if they were good or not but I liked them.
The judges tell her that she knows how to perform and has the showmanship thing down. The woman judge tells her she would have liked to see Maddie take the time to pause before moving to the next thing. One of the two guy judges asks her to show them her relevé. She gets up on her toes and he says she has potential, but needs more work. Maddie makes a sad face.
In the hallway, Cathy is still haranguing everyone because she’s still a nutjob. She says she “tweaked out” Kendall’s bad habits. Also tweaked out: Cathy. Shrill stops by to tell Jabby that Cathy’s been so wonderful and has Kendall doing lots of stuff. Jabby’s like “that’s great,” but obviously could not be more disinterested. This is stupid, because isn’t Kendall supposedly still dancing with Jabby despite this ridiculous Candy Apple’s ruse?
Isn’t having a broken ankle punishment enough?
Cathy again brings up her mythical 300 students and Jabby finally rises to the bait and asks how many students she has at Joffrey. Cathy’s like “how many have YOU had?” Jabby immediately says three. Cathy says she highly doubts it and then says she has people there every summer, but she’s not going to name them. But they do exist, she swears. They all live in the Niagara Falls area. Cathy interviews that Jabby and the moms think they have the market on every “competition, audition and what-have-you” but they are nothing but trouble. Then maybe stop stalking them, freakshow.
Our girls and the Candy Apple’s all assemble in the audition room for a technique test. Cathy is lurking by the door, peeking in and taunts Kelly about Brooke’s tendus. Kelly yells at Cathy that it’s against etiquette for teachers to look in at an audition. Then Cathy starts in on Christi – and do you really want to go there, Cathy? Didn’t she pwn you during the disco ball fight? More fighting. All the while Cathy is eating a slice of pizza.
Nom nom nom
That’s just mean. Isn’t food strictly verboten to ballet dancers? I thought they subsisted on cocaine, cigarettes and Sweet & Low packets.
Finally, a judge comes out and yells at them all to STFU. He says “if you don’t respect me or the dancers, please respect the art form.”
I’ve had wines that are more mature than you ladies
Yah. There is no fighting in ballet unless it’s art-directed.
Despite the reprimand, Cathy is still jawing, saying that Christi always has a drink in her hand and always embarrasses herself. Jabby interviews that Cathy is totally unprofessional and loud and obnoxious. Paige says she’s mortified.
Whatever, that’s over with. Time to worry about Starbound. They are national champs and all that crap.
At the competition, Cathy interviews that up until now, they’ve done spooky numbers but this week’s dance will be really “heartfelt and beautiful” and just might beat Jabby & Co.
Our girls practice their dance in the dressing room and Kelly says it’s a mess and not technical enough. They go on stage and it does look a little messy. I love the song though. Holly says she never would have imagined her daughter in a jail cell.
Oh shut up, Holly. It’s just a dance. Why do we have to remind you of that every week? You’re supposed to be the smart one. Naturally, Melissa says she loves the dance. They could literally be stripping in a bus station in Newark, NJ and Melissa would say she loved the dance.
The Candy Apple’s perform their dance while Vivi stands still on stage. Free Vivi!
Jabby interviews that the Apple’s just might beat her this week. Foreshadowing!
Awards. The girls get tenth place. Ooh, way harsh, Tai. To make matters worse, the Candy Apple’s beat them by one point to come in ninth. Jabby says she’s humiliated and didn’t the judges get it? I think they got it perfectly. Melissa says they’ve never come in tenth before. Cathy interviews that every dog has his day and today is their day. Really? You were striving for ninth place? Psycho.
Classy Cathy drags the Candy Apple’s into the girls’ dressing room to congratulate them on tenth place.
Ha ha, you guys are slightly worse than us
Christi’s like, “congratulations on doing one point better.” Seriously. This is too much for Jabby, though, who screams “YOU ARE SATAN.” Then she says her entire reputation is ruined and she’s humiliated. Christi (and all of America) rolls her eyes. Why the histrionics? You really staked your entire reputation on this one competition when people have been watching you on TV for two seasons? I think you’ve made your reputation quite clear.
Anywayyyyy. In the middle of all this, Christi “happens” to get a phone call from Joffrey offering Chloe the scholarship.
Hold on, let me check. Hey, is the refrigerator running?
I really was super excited for Chloe, but of course I feel bad for the other girls who all look really sad. I’m sure this was a setup, but it seems really mean that they would set it up in front of the others. But maybe they told them ahead of time what was going to happen? Am I thinking about this too much?
Maddie interviews that she’s upset because she deserved to be on top. See, it’s times like this that she annoys me, because why does she think she deserved it? Oh, I know. Because Jabby and Melissa keep telling her she deserves everything. But still, she is understandably upset and instead of comforting her, Melissa yells at her and threatens to take away her phone for 10 days if she doesn’t stop being bratty.
Stop being a brat even though I groomed you to be perfect and you failed and ruined my whole life
Melissa interviews that Maddie is stressed because she’s disappointed but she won’t put up with a bratty kid and she can’t worry about what other people think. Gah. You can’t put such enormous pressure on a kid and then expect her to just shake it off and be fine when she doesn’t succeed. I hope that Maddie has someone in her life who is normal and who supports her unconditionally.
Back in Crazytown, Kendall is also doing a Queen of Hearts solo, which I’m sure is completely coincidental. Her costume doesn’t fit right and she’s afraid she won’t be able to perform but it works out fine.
I actually like her dance and I think she does a good job. Christi says she wishes Cathy would stop copying Chloe. Jabby calls Cathy underhanded and says “off with her head!” (Drink.)
Maddie’s solo is up next. She doesn’t want to let Jabby down. Since she does the same dance every week, you would think she’d know it perfectly by now, but alas, she freezes up.
Wait, is there where I sit on the floor and look at my foot?
She runs off stage and freaks out. She wants to go again and is afraid that Jabby will be mad at her.
People have been speculating she is acting, but I don’t think so. I think she is genuinely upset. Melissa runs to get her and says “they just threw you out there. Assholes.” Kelly interviews that she’s not surprised because Maddie is under so much pressure.
Meanwhile, Jabby is in the audience bawling. Christi: “I thought you were supposed to save tears for your pillow, Ab.” Christi lists all the girls who have forgotten their dances and says Jabby never shed a tear for them. She says it proves that Jabby only cares about Maddie.
In the middle of this chaos, Chloe does her solo and it looks great.
Suck it, haters!
In the dressing room, Melissa and Maddie are off camera, but Melissa says “dance isn’t that important. It’s not your whole life – well, it is, but it shouldn’t be.” Gee, I wonder why she feels that way, Melissa.
Jabby comes in, still upset, and hugs Maddie.
She tells her that she shouldn’t worry because kids who do well at a young age have nothing to shoot for. Then she says something like maybe “they” won’t always be vultures. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but it’s kind of creepy.
Thankfully, the girls aren’t around when the moms go off on Jabby for crying over Maddie. They yell at her for having a double standard and not caring about anyone else.
Go cry into your pillow, beyotch
I have to say, the way it’s shot, I can’t tell if Jabby is even in the room with them, because they never show them all in a wide shot. It’s just the moms yelling, then they cut to Jab sitting in a chair crying. Who knows with this stupid show.
It’s time for solo awards and Jabby refuses to go out there. That’s so immature and ridiculous. How old is this woman? Jesus.
Kendall gets seventh place and Chloe wins first overall! Yay! But Jabster’s nowhere to be seen.
They all go back to the dressing room and yell at Jabby some more. Jab stands up with her butt to them and says “c’mon, get it over with and paddle me.”
Anyone have a canoe paddle?
Holly: “that’s a visual I don’t want to see!” The moms yell at Jabby until she’s had enough and leaves. Like, leaves the whole competition. They follow her outside to a cab.
See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!
She says she needs a break, but the girls will be fine and know what to do. Well, they certainly aren’t getting any support from their teacher so she might as well go. And that, my friends, is how we end the season.
So what did y’all think? How much of this was real and how much is fake? Will we ever know the truth? Will we see our Pittsburgh girls again? I wish they would all get away from Jabby and go live in a loft in NYC and have a sitcom or something. Actually, I shouldn’t give Lifetime any ideas.
Thanks so much for all your love and support during this ridiculousness. I had so much fun. I hope you’ll stick with me for Dance Moms Miami, even though I’m not quite feeling it yet…
Anyway, thanks for reading, and to quote our own Jabby Lee Miller: see ya on the flipside!
P.S.: Free Vivi!
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