Dance Moms Recap: Crazy Apples

 ****Please welcome SnoopK8 as your new Dance Moms recapper! She was just assigned, so the future episodes will be posted in a more timely fashion. Gettin’ it together round here! – Flip

It’s on

Hello Gasmii! Thank you so much for allowing me the opportunity to recap Dance Moms. It’s a dream come true. I promise I will try to adhere to the high standards set forth by PottyMouth. I do have to admit, though, that I don’t know anything about dance or dancing competitions, so I may occasionally need your help or clarification.

Previously: Abby holds auditions, Jill enters the viper pit, Christi is snarky, Abby yells at Holly, Abby yells at Kelly, Kelly calls Abby a whore.

The girls and moms assemble at the studio where Abby tells them that all in all, their performance in North Carolina was “mediocre.” She says the girls were cute but sloppy, and obviously, “cute still works in the Carolinas.” (I think that is on their bumper stickers.) Abby yells at new girl Kendall for being scared during her solo. She tells her that her face during the dance was not an “Abby Lee Miller face.” Well, yeah, thank god for that.

 The face that launched 1,000 ships

Jill tries to interject, but Abby makes her talk to the hand.

Abby says next week they will be heading to Rising Star competition in Columbus, Ohio where they will encounter arch-nemesis Crazee Cathy from Candy Apple’s Studio. Christi says Cathy is like a cold sore that keeps coming back. Christi is pretty feisty with the one-liners this season. Abby says there should be no squawking among the moms because they are all on the same team and their goal is to “take a bite outta that big apple.” If I were Cathy, and I knew that Abby Lee Miller wanted to take any kind of bite out me  -metaphorically or not – I would be terrified.

Pyramid time. Kendall and her non-Abby Lee Miller face are on the bottom, since she is still on probation. Abby says she will be watching Kendall like a hawk this week. Kendall, in full Teresa Giudice makeup, interviews in that she is sad to be on the bottom because she thinks she did her best.

Future Real Housewife of Pittsburgh

Mackenzie is also on the bottom because she didn’t dance as well as Maddie did when SHE was seven.

Brooke is on the bottom because while she knew the number, her crying and hysteria were “not a young adult.” Paige is on the bottom because no one knows who she is and also because she had to be told to sit down on the bus 32 times. Kelly interviews for the first of many times this season that Abby hates her, hates her kids and that putting her kids on the bottom is Abby’s way of torturing her. Right, because Abby and her army of warlords went into Kelly’s house in the middle of the night and forced her to enroll the girls in her studio.

Nia is on the second row, in the same spot as last week because no one in her family cared enough about her to show up. Chloe is next because she did a great job but not as great as Maddie. Maddie is, of course, on top of the pyramid. But even Maddie can’t escape Abby’s wrath this week, earning an “I’ve seen you dance better” from her.

But enough emotional abuse for now. Let’s move on to this week’s competition. Everyone will be in the group dance, which will be called Bad Apples. It will be “a little ‘40s, a little novelty and a little Katy Perry.” Abby is going for the pin-up girl look and wants everyone to wear rats and snoods in their hair. This alarms Mackenzie, who says “I’m not putting a rat in my hair!”

Not that kind of rat

and “What’s a snood?” God, Mackenzie. Maddie knew what a snood was when she was seven. Instead of explaining it like a normal person, Abby screams at them to Google snoods if they don’t know what they are.

Brooke will be doing a solo and will be up against someone from Crazee Cathy’s studio. Abby instructs her to “make applesauce” out of the girl. Abby: “I want that kid in tears before she even steps out on that stage.” Abby catches a lot of flack, but she knows that forcing your opponent into a complete mental breakdown before the competition is good preparation for the real world.

Abby interviews that the Candy Apples are applesauce and she is gonna “squish ‘em.” By the way, have you been drinking every time someone makes an apple metaphor? If not, you should be.

Drink

Up in the observation booth, Melissa asks Jill what she thought of her first pyramid. (This is not to be confused with her first PERIOD, which she would have to speak to Abby’s dad about.) Jill says she didn’t expect that Kendall would be on the bottom and that it’s a lot of pressure for a little kid. Christi’s all, “DUHHHH.” Christi interviews that Kendall should take up permanent residence on the bottom row because, more or less, it shouldn’t be based on merit, it should be based on seniority and her kid has been taking Abby’s shit for way longer than Jill’s kid.

Jill, in a gold lame jacket and leopard print skirt (is it okay if I actually LIKE her tacky outfit? I’m sorry, but I’m a whore for animal print), bitches that Kendall learned the solo in three days but they switched the music the night before and wah, wah, wah. All the other moms are like, “welcome to our world.” Jill continues to complain that it’s not fair that the new kid is on the bottom. Holly wakes up and asks her, “So you want Nia, Chloe or Maddie to be bumped down?” Jill’s like, “yeah.” Way to ingratiate yourself, Jill. Melissa interviews that Kendall was a star at her old studio and Jill can’t handle the fact that she isn’t one at this studio.

Christi says Jill can’t just come into the group and say her kid is better than all of the other kids. She says the group is “like a sorority and you gotta pay your dues.” You also have to drink a bottle of Jaeger and bang all the guys in SAE.

Aspirations 

Christi continues her hazing by evilly (and hilariously) suggesting that Jill go downstairs right now and take it up with Abby while she’s teaching. Like any good pledge seeking approval, Jill agrees and goes downstairs. Christi cackles and asks for popcorn.

Poor dumb Jill approaches Abby, who interviews that Jill just doesn’t get it. Abby says that Jill spends thousands of dollars on competitions and entrance fees, when instead she should be spending the money on technique classes. Jill says to Abby, “I need to know what you need from me to get [Kendall] up from the bottom of the pyramid.” Abby says she doesn’t need anything from Jill, she just needs Kendall not to suck. Upstairs, the moms high-five.

Abby says even if you pay to go to Harvard, one person will be valedictorian and thousands of others won’t. So now I guess Abby Lee Studios is the Harvard of Pittsburgh-based dance studios.

Welcome to Ohio, bitches.

We go to Ohio, home of the Crazee Apples, and Cathy interviews that she hasn’t seen anyone Dance Moms-related since L.A. where she was humiliatingly defeated. But since then she has brushed herself off and now everyone will be “blown away.”

Back in PA, Christi and Kelly meet for lunch to bitch about Jill. Christi has an old program book from a past competition in which Chloe, Maddie and Kendall danced solos against each other. The results: Chloe was third, Maddie was first (of course) and Kendall was tenth! Christi warns no one in particular that she has books from years and years back. So watch out Jill, she can prove… something.

Christi channels her inner Nancy Drew and says she’s determined to find out why Jill is a “studio-hopper.” She knows there is more to the story, because why did Jill suddenly turn up at Abby Lee Studios now when she’s lived down the street from it for years? I’m sure the TV cameras had nothing to do with it.

It’s three days till the competition and Brooke is rehearsing her Garden of Eden solo. Abby warns her that “word on the street” is that Cathy entered someone to dance against Brooke. Word on the street also says that Cathy bought a gat and isn’t afraid to use it.

Streetwise

In Ohio, Cathy tells her students that she’s added Abby Lee Dance Studios to “our repertoire of enemies.” Also on that list: a dictionary. Cathy says she wants to send a message that Abby Lee is a good studio, but so is Crazee Apples. Cathy, as crazy people tend to do, speaks in the third person, saying, “Cathy has a dance studio that’s very successful too.” All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

Cathy is especially gunning for Brooke whose forte is “laying on the floor, crawling around on her neck.” She’s picked a girl named Erika to face off against Brooke. Cathy says Erika has amazing “combination pirouettes.”

Poor Vivi is in the background, and Cathy tells her that when Erika looks at her, it will be her cue to dance. But not just any kind of dance, “DANCE LIKE YOU WANT A PUPPY! DANCE FOR YOUR PUPPY!” WTF??? This bitch is NUTS. Seriously, it can’t be said enough: poor Vivi. I assume this means Cathy is trying to bribe Vivi with a puppy to keep her from running away from home. Someone call Sarah McLachlan.

Free Vivi

After Cathy finishes screaming about puppies, she inadvertently cuts Vivi’s finger with her ring. Personally, I think Vivi was trying to cut her own wrists and make it look like an accident. Poor Vivi. She interviews that she hopes she can still dance despite the cut finger. I’ve seen more convincing hostage videos.

Back at Abby Lee Studios, Christi brings out the old program book to remind Jill that her daughter is tenth-place loser. Jill interviews that she’s not gonna let the other moms get to her, “even if they’re intimidated by me and my little 8-year-old.”

Jill pulls out a “rat,” which turns out to be a foam thing to wrap your hair around.

I don’t drink. Or swear. I don’t rat my hair…

Kelly had hoped they wouldn’t be able to find the rats and yells at Jill to next time just tell Abby the store didn’t have any. Jill wraps Melissa’s hair in the rat and Christi snarks “are we at a junior high sleepover? ‘do my hair, do my hair’.” Honestly, Christi, the way you ladies act, you can’t blame anyone for thinking they are back in junior high.

Next on the agenda: freezing Christi’s bra and slam books

Christi says she is waiting for the tide to turn and Jill to become a full-fledged member of the group. I’m not sure what she’s talking about, but I think she means that Jill’s being nice to them now, but once she feels more comfortable, the bitch gloves will come out.

Kelly goes down to bring a hat to Brooke and Abby screams at her that Brooke should be able to get the hat herself and that Kelly is just wasting everyone’s time. They yell at each other for a bit, then Abby accuses Kelly of being drunk. Which is obviously the first thing you would think of in the middle of the day. (Well, with these people, who knows.) Kelly’s like, “who the hell is she to ask me if I’m drunk in front of a dance class.” She goes back upstairs and slurs, “whether I was drinking or not is none of her damn business.” Sounds like a non-denial denial to me!

I’m completely shober

More complaining about how Abby is constantly waterboarding her and her kids and forcing them at gunpoint to stay there. She cries that if her kids didn’t love the studio so much they would be outta there.

Suggested reading

In Ohio, Cathy mutters to herself that the competition will be on “her turf” this time and she plans to come back with a vengeance. She yells at her students to stop looking at her and then to “look at me with your ears.” Well, which is it, Cathy? Stop looking at you, or look at you with their ears? Can’t have it both ways. (Have I mentioned this bitch is crazy?)

In PA, the moms hate the costumes, which are pretty hideous. Christi snots “and we get to wear a rat and a snood.” Much discussion about ugly costumes, rats and snoods.

Fugly

Abby calls Holly and Jill downstairs to tell them that Nia’s foot is flexed and Kendall’s feet are never together. That’s great, but wasn’t she just yelling at Jill earlier that she would take care of correcting technique? I guess the point of this was to get Jill out of the room, because back upstairs Kelly and Christi are trying to “subtly” ask Melissa what she knows about Jill’s sudden decision to come to this studio. Melissa says she just thinks that Jill got sick of her previous studios. But Christi heard that Jill got KICKED out of previous studios. Ooh, could this be some kind of foreshadowing for later in the season? I hope so.

The moms and dancers board the bus to Ohio. Dance Teacher Abby screams at “Bus Driver Jim” about the route he’s taking. Somehow Bus Driver Jim restrains himself from driving the bus off a cliff. Christi interviews that Abby yells at the bus driver every time they go anywhere and that they should just get rid of their GPS systems and put Abby Lee Miller on the dashboard.

Poor man’s Garmin

Melissa and Jill have bought a gift for Abby, because why not reward someone who constantly belittles you. The gift turns out to be a hideous black and gold-tone cocktail ring. Abby, gracious as ever, says thanks, now she has to go out and buy all kinds of fake gold shit to go with it. Abby tells them that for next time she needs a husband. Sorry, Abby, they don’t sell husbands at Boscov’s.

They arrive at the hotel in Columbus, where Kelly gets a note inviting the moms to a “soiree” in the “Presidential Suite.” Included in the note is a little apple charm. It’s from the Crazee Apple herself, Cathy! Well, the moms are super excited at the prospect of free booze, so of course they are going. Cathy interviews that her philosophy is to keep her friends close and her enemies closer. Also she is Napoleon. She brags that her suite is “first-class all the way” and that’s just how Crazee Apples roll.

The moms show up at Cathy’s suite and she asks if they’ve missed her. Christi says they don’t talk about her much. Right. And I don’t get drunk on red wine every Friday night much. Cathy asks if the moms think Abby is a good leader. Jill says Abby just wants their kids to be their best. Cathy says they all would be happy with a GOOD leader (like Napoleon). Christi tells Cathy it sounds like she’s trying to seduce them. Ew.

Competition day and the Candy Apples are doing sit-ups in the hotel hallway. Drill sergeant Cathy says “Abby Lee draws on abs; we have real abs.” Uh, okay.

Abby warns her girls not to even look at the Candy Apples when they pass them in the hall. It’s like the Jets and the Sharks all over.

Just play it cool, boy

The girls ignore Abby and wave at Cathy. Cathy says to Abby, “love the curler.” Hahahaha, Abby still has a curler in her hair. She’s like “no one could have told me about that?!” LOL.

Get your drinks ready ‘cause it’s apple metaphor time! Abby says she’s gonna “overturn that apple cart” and “pull out my bow and arrow and be right on target.” Drink two for the William Tell reference. Abby warns Kendall that she’s still a probie and this competition is about her either getting an Abby Lee Dance Studio jacket or going back to regular classes.

The girls are in the dressing room getting ready and Holly interviews that hair is the most stressful. She says if your rat or snood comes undone on stage, it will NOT be good. I hate when that happens. Now it’s time for the Great Snood Scandal of 2011.

Snoody Blues

Holly has bought the wrong damn snoods! The moms apparently can’t tell the difference between the snoods, but Abby can! The girls MUST HAVE THE EXACT SAME SNOOD. She berates Holly for only going to four stores to find snoods when she could have gone to fourteen. Seriously, exactly how many freaking snood stores are there, anyway? Abby is now screaming, “THE RATS AND THE SNOODS MAKE THE NUMBER!” Fuck the dancing, it’s the rats and the snoods.

Somehow the snood situation is suddenly resolved but Abby finds out the moms went to Cathy’s party the night before and that Cathy tried to poach them. Abby says that’s “solicitation” and “who DOES that?” Cathy, apparently.

The girls get ready to go on stage, but not before Cathy can creepily accost Kendall in the wings and wish her good luck. She tells the girls their hair is “interesting.” Hey, don’t diss the rats and snoods! They make the whole number. The girls dance and they do pretty well.

Also representing Cathy

The Candy Apples come out and their dance is called “Baile Espanola” (which the announcer pronounces “EspaNola,” rather than “EspanYola”), or “Spanish Dance.” So it’s obviously a traditional Russian folk dance. The dancers, besides poor Vivi and this creepy redheaded kid, DO look a lot older than Abby’s girls. Abby says the Candy Apples are well trained and able to complete “five or six turns as a group.” She says they looked great and she is really concerned.

Na Zdorovye!

Back in the dressing room, Abby says she questions Cathy’s integrity and says she wouldn’t want to be known as someone who lies about kids’ ages in competition. Then she takes a minute to yell at Kendall for being out of time and not being able to read music. She also tells Kendall to “step up the face” if she’s gonna stand next to Maddie. Apparently Maddie’s the best at making dance faces too. Is there nothing Maddie can’t do?

Abby yells that this was an “easy baby dance” and they blew it. Jill says the Candy Apples were way older and Abby growls “let ME worry about that.” She wants to win on talent and choreography and not on a technicality.

The moms and Abby and Cathy are in the audience waiting for group awards. Cathy asks how’d they get that “Amish” hairdo. Christi’s all “it’s not Amish, it’s ‘40s – YOU should know that!” LOL.

Time for group awards. Third place goes to no one who concerns us. Second place… Baile Espanola! Cathy is PISSED. And first place… Bad Apples! Abby Lee Dance Studio! Woo-hoo!

Kelly: “Abby was right about the rats and the snoods!”
Abby: “Time for some pork chops and applesauce.” (Drink.)
Unidentified Dance Mom that was probably Christi: “How ya like THEM apples, Cathy?” (Drink.)

Cathy is furious and goes up to the judges to see the scores. At least she’s being a good sport about it. It turns out that Abby Lee got a score of 287 and Candy Apples got 275. Cathy deems that “utterly ridiculous.”

Udderly!

But, there is no time to cry because Cathy now has to focus on Erika, who is dancing a solo against Brooke. Abby’s excited to have won, but is also concentrating on the solo.

Brooke does very well and Abby even praises her. Kelly is now whining that Brooke MUST have done well if ABBY’S saying something nice about her. Erika’s solo goes pretty well, too, but Abby notes that she looks MUCH more mature than Brooke. Christi says Erika looks AT LEAST 15.

Able to get into R-rated movies

After the solos, a competition official comes to find Cathy and Erika’s mom. Chloe gleefully relays this info to the moms in the dressing room.

The official says that someone has seen Erika compete in the Age 14 category in another competition. Cathy says she doesn’t have Erika’s birth certificate on her, so the dance people ask Erika for her date of birth, which is January 17, 1997. That makes her 14 and thus too old to compete in the same age group as Brooke. Ha!

Next up for Candy Apple’s Dance Studio

Cathy says that Brooke is ALSO too old, and why don’t they go after her. The dance woman says she is going to and goes to find Abby. Brooke’s date of birth is January 30, 1998, making her 13. So, if I’m understanding this, Brooke was entered in the 11-12 age group because she actually WAS 12 on the cut-off date of January 1st? I guess that makes sense because otherwise Erika would have been 13 on Jan 1st and not disqualified. But I can’t understand why Cathy would think that she could get away with putting a 14-year-old in the 11- to 12-year-old group. Oh, wait, ‘cause she’s nuts. That’s why. Anyway, Abby’s people fax a copy of Brooke’s birth certificate to the dance officials.

I can’t tell who says this, but either Erika’s mom or Cathy says Erika was disqualified because the people running the competition are jealous. Exactly. It has nothing to do with your complete disregard for the rules. Stupid cow(s).

Abby interviews that she would never get bounced on a technicality because her “apple seeds are all in a row.” (Drink!)

Awards. Brooke wins first place! And comes in first overall. Cathy comes up to the moms and Abby and tells them that their red costumes were such a nice tribute to Candy Apples Studio. Instead of politely nodding and walking away, like you would normally do with a crazy person, Abby screeches that her colors have been red and black since “nineteen-eighty-whatever!” Cathy: “better give me a birth certificate on that.” Oh Snapple! One point for the crazy bitch. Abby interviews that Cathy went “straight to nasty” and that she is “rotten to the core.” (Dri- oh, you know.) Abby says she heard Cathy was trying to steal her moms away and Cathy tells her she thinks way too highly of herself.

Christi of course wants some of this action, so she butts in. Cathy comes right back at her with a “Listen, Nose.” LOLOLOLOL. Christi says that was below the belt. Actually, it was in the middle of the face. They go back and forth about Christi’s cheap dress that is allegedly Ralph Lauren and Christi tells Cathy to go back to junior high. Again with the junior high. I think Christi really wishes she COULD go back to junior high. But she gets the last word during her last talking head, calling Cathy a “geriatric mean girl.”

Next week: the girls head to Starbound in New Jersey, but Brooke wants to try out for the cheerleading team. Hijinks ensue.

So, what did you guys think of this episode? Are you, like me, probably off apples for the rest of your life? Did you know what a rat or a snood was before this episode, and do you agree that they made the number? And for any of you psych doctors out there, what the hell is WRONG with Cathy??

Thanks so much for reading this and being patient while I get the hang of this recapping thing. I look forward to a long and fruitful (drink?) relationship.

xoxo,
SnoopK8

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