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Good afternoon, everyone. Just wanted to thank y’all for giving me such a warm welcome to the ‘Gasm. I’ve been having so much fun so far. Although I have had a couple of dreams about Jabby Lee and that can’t be a good thing. Anyway, we have a trashtastic episode this week, so let’s get to it.
Previously: Crazy Cathy from Candy Apples entered a 40-year-old into the 11- and 12-year old group; Jabby’s girls beat the Candy Apples in the group dance; Brooke won overall and we all got drunk on apple metaphors.
The girls assemble in the studio and Jabby congratulates them on squishing the Candy Apples, saying, “I think we made applesauce.” (Okay, you don’t HAVE to drink this week. But I find in general, this show is only enhanced by cocktails.) Since it’s Jabby, she can’t let them be happy for too long. She says they may have won Rising Star, but that’s only one competition. Next week is Starbound in New Jersey and there they need to be the NATIONAL champions. Starbound, you will recall, is the competition in which they won “Nationals” at Lake Tahoe last season.
Time for the Pyramid. Nia is on the bottom because she made a mistake in the choreography. Nia is sad because she worked hard to get to the top and now she’s back on the bottom. I guess for Nia, the “top” is row two – seeing as no one is ever going to knock Maddie from the number one slot. (Or are they…?) Kendall is also on the bottom because she started four counts ahead of everyone and she needs to learn how to read music. Jabby tells her she is still on probation until Jabby hands her that jacket. Jill greets this news with a bitchface. Paige is on the bottom again. Poor Paige. She’s like the Ringo of the group.
Mackenzie is also on the bottom but will be doing a solo this week!
Row two is Madd – wait – MADDIE is on the second row?! No wonder there was a solar storm the other day.
Jabby explains that even though Maddie had the highest scores in the entire competition, she doesn’t want Maddie “resting on her laurels.” She wants Maddie to keep “improving for the next twenty years.” Maddie humbly interviews that she is okay with it because she wants someone else to see what it’s like to be on top. The apple didn’t fall too far from the tree (remember, drinking is optional) because Melissa says it obviously has nothing to do with Maddie’s dance skills. Jabby just wanted to give others a chance. They are probably both right, because Jabby has a huge hard-on for Maddie, but can’t they just accept it gracefully and move on?
Chloe is next because Jabby says that although people are recognizing her from the music video, she wants them to recognize her for her dancing. If anything, they are recognizing her from this show, because there’s no way anyone else saw that video.
Next, Brooke is on top of the pyramid! Jabby says she went from worst to best in one week. Jabby says that as the oldest of the group, Brooke needs to be a role model for the other girls. Brooke interviews that she doesn’t WANT to be a role model.
I don’t entirely understand why Mackenzie will be doing a solo since she was just on the bottom of the pyramid. But it’s okay because I love Mackenzie. Maddie and Chloe will be going head-to-head in a jazz and lyrical number, respectively.
The group number this week will feature Brooke and include everyone but Mackenzie. It’s called Born to Dance and is “about a child being born.” Ooh, a dance about childbirth. Brooke, you’ll be the placenta.
Christi interviews that she’s not sure they should be bringing up the birds and the bees in dance class and for once I agree with her. Jabby interviews that the dance will be “provocative and beautiful and wondrous” and sorry, but ew. The girls rehearse by writhing around on the floor as the moms screech from the balcony about vaginas. Melissa imitates a baby’s head coming out and… EWWWWWW.
This moment of solidarity ends when Christi “casually” asks Melissa if she’s upset that Maddie wasn’t on top of the pyramid. Melissa says that yes, Maddie did have the highest scores, but Brooke was fabulous and she can’t take that away from her. Kelly notes that Maddie and Brooke were only one point apart and Melissa says that it’s not entirely fair, but it’s nice to give another kid a chance to be on top. Melissa interviews that the pyramid itself is not fair but what are ya gonna do? Oh, really? Because somehow it was fair every other week when Maddie was on top.
Brooke interviews that she appreciates being on top, but Jabby’s putting a lot of pressure on her. Yeah, like 250 lbs of pressure.
Rehearsal is over and Brooke is at a football game, despite Jabby’s instructions to stay focused and not worry about having friends or a life or anything silly like that. A cheerleader approaches her and tells her she has a pretty mouth and she should try out for the cheer team if she’s over dance.
Brooke interviews that dance is hard because she has to rehearse every day and she misses lots of parties and football games. She says all her friends are cheerleaders, so maybe cheer team would be fun.
At Kelly’s house, Brooke tells Kelly she wants to try out for cheerleading, but tryouts are the same day as the dance competition. Kelly is upset, but mainly because she’s the one who’s going to have to break the news to Jabby. She tells Brooke that Brooke is going to have to make her own decision here and warns her that Jabby probably won’t ever let her back in the studio after this.
Mackenzie rehearses her solo as Jabby berates her. Mackenzie is unfazed and interviews (in leopard) that she’s “totally ready to dance with the big girls!” OMG, love her!
The moms meet for their daily boozy bitchfest. They clink glasses as Jill says “it’s five o’clock somewhere.” Seems like it’s always “somewhere” for these ladies.
Kelly tells them about Brooke and the tryouts and they aren’t thrilled. Melissa says she would never allow Maddie to do it the middle of a dance season. She kind of has a point, although I think she has way more invested in her daughter’s dance career than anyone of the other moms. After all, how many stray cocks has she sucked by now? Kelly says she doesn’t even think Brooke will like cheerleading, but she has to find that out for herself.
The group rehearses the childbirth dance as Jabby yells at them. From now on, have a drink every time I write some version of “X dances as Jabby yells at her.” Jabby finally notices that Brooke isn’t there (wasn’t she supposed to be the “glue” that held the number together?) and starts bellowing for her. Upstairs the moms tell Kelly she’d better go down and tell Jabby that Brooke’s not coming before it gets worse. Kelly looks terrified. She goes downstairs and timidly says “I don’t think she’s coming this weekend.” Stop being such a wuss, Kel. You made the decision, now deal with the consequences.
As expected, Jabby freaks the fuck out. At first, she just stands there with her mouth open like she can’t believe what she’s hearing.
Then she yells at Kelly for letting a 13-year-old dictate HER future and the rest of the girls’ futures. Kelly says she’s letting a 13-year-old dictate her OWN future. Jabby says that Brooke knew about the tryouts when she was put on top of the pyramid and should have told her right away, instead of “screwing everybody and stabbing them in the back.” Jabby is right, but she really shouldn’t be screaming like a maniac in front of the kids. Kelly says Brooke isn’t screwing anyone, causing Jabby to screech, “SHE’S SCREWING ME; I CAN FEEL IT.” Wow, it really has been a long time since Jabby’s had some dick.
Jabby dismisses Nia, Paige and Kendall and cancels the group number. Way to be an adult. I mean, I throw my remote at the TV every time the Red Sox lose, so I’m no paragon of anger management, but I’m not paid to TEACH CHILDREN.
The moms gather around and try to get Jabby to change her mind. Melissa and Christi say they don’t want to drive all the way to Jersey just for a solo and that they are standing behind Kelly’s decision. Jabby calls Christi an “asshole” who’s teaching her kid that it’s okay to break the contract. Christi says she teaching her kid that you support your friends. Jabby starts screaming something about Christi’s kid going to Harvard on a scholarship while Kelly’s goes to community college like her mother. (Huh?)
Jabby interviews that of course Christi supports Kelly, because she wants her kid to be the lead. (Again, she’s probably right about that.) Jabby screams at the moms to “go be a team at another studio. It’s my way or the highway!” She carries on awhile longer but then decides that Gianna, her assistant, will go to the competition. Gianna will re-block the group number and Jabby’s name won’t be on it. Maddie (surprise, surprise) will take over for Brooke as the lead.
Jabby interviews that she would “NEVER let [her] child shake her pom poms for some boy to go to college for free.” She adds that if Brooke had told her right away, she would still be mad, but at least it would have been the right thing to do.
Paige has a line this week! She says she supports Brooke because Brooke is her sister. Way to go,
The girls and moms get on the bus to go to New Jersey. Everyone is in a great mood. Holly says they are all relaxed because Jabby isn’t there. This lasts about three seconds because Jabby shows up looking Jabbier than ever.
Jabby interviews that she showed up because she didn’t want Gianna to be thrown to the wolves. Bus Driver Jim is here for his weekly cameo. Maybe Jabby should marry Bus Driver Jim. He seems to tolerate her. Or he owes someone a lot of money.
On the bus, Melissa gets a phone call from Crazy Cathy. Jabby’s like “why is she calling you??” Melissa puts Cathy on speaker and it turns out that the Candy Apples are also going to New Jersey! Christi interviews that she’s worried because Brooke isn’t there this week and the Candy Apples will be “coming for blood.”
Jabby says that if the Candy Apples win this week, she will hang Brooke’s hide off the studio balcony.
They arrive at the competition. Candy Apple Cathy is in the dressing room and says she’s here to face her “nemis” and that she can’t get beat by a “hokey-pokey number” again. Christi interviews she’s not gonna START anything with Cathy, but won’t back down if CATHY starts something with her. Oh please, Christi. You’re dying to get into it with anyone, especially Cathy.
Abby gives Mackenzie a pep talk before her solo, threatening to “chop her head off” if she forgets her steps. Mackenzie is wearing Snooki’s pink fur boots and she is worried about what will happen to them while she’s on stage. LOL. Maddie tells Mackenzie to smile and have fun and seems genuinely supportive of her sister. Mackenzie goes on stage and does great! When did she get so good?
Abby interviews that Mackenzie “nailed her side aerials and back handsprings,” and that she’s come a long way in a short amount of time.
Chloe and Maddie do their solos and they both do really well, as far as I can tell. To me, Chloe seems more natural and graceful and Maddie seems more technically proficient if that makes any sense.
It’s like, when I watch Maddie, I’m aware that I’m watching a good dancer, but when I watch Chloe I just see the dance. That may not make any sense. Okay, it’s like when you read a book and you’re aware you’re reading “literature” as opposed to just getting into the story. Again, that is my completely uninformed, non-dancer’s opinion, so don’t yell at me.
Time for a trip back to Crazy Town. Cathy is speaking into what looks like a Shake Weight and saying “Abby Lee, Abby Lee, Abby Lee” in a high-pitched voice.
She notes that Brooke isn’t at the competition and surmises that she is at cheerleader tryouts. How would she know that? Oh – it was probably the voices in her head. Sometimes they are useful.
Cheerleader tryouts. Brooke is as enthusiastic as ever. Did anyone tell Brooke what cheerleaders actually do? The judges make Brooke yell out the chant a couple times “just to make sure she can talk.”
Poor Brooke. She doesn’t seem particularly outgoing. Couldn’t she join the gymnastics team or something? Kelly interviews that if Brooke hadn’t been beaten down by Jabby for so long, she might not even want to try out for cheerleading. Well, for god sake’s, Kelly, whose fault is that? Why does Kelly act like she has no control over anything?
Brooke interviews that she’ll feel bad if she doesn’t make it because she let the other dancers down. But it doesn’t matter, because she makes it! She’s like, “I’m so excited.” Clearly. On a side note, Brooke looks TINY next to the other girls.
Back in NJ, it’s time for solo awards. Mackenzie wins! Yay, Mackenzie! In the Junior division, Maddie wi – whoops. Maddie comes in third!? Oh, hell to the naw! Melissa interviews that Maddie was “flawless” but the judges were “off.” Of course, of course.
And the winner is… Chloe! Chloe is genuinely gracious and says she happy and surprised because there were so many good dancers there.
Melissa interviews that she’s “not pissed” Maddie didn’t win, since she’s a winner in her eyes. Melissa adds that Jabby told her Maddie looked “professional” not like the other “amateurs” out there. Oh shut up, you twat. For her part, Jabby says Maddie was amazing, but Chloe screwed up a turn. Shut up, Jabby. I don’t understand how these girls can still seem so sweet after being emotionally eviscerated every single day for years.
The girls boil water and shred rags to prepare for the birth number. Jabby says they have to prove Brooke wrong, that she’s worthless and that everyone’s replaceable. I can’t imagine why Brooke would ever want to leave this studio.
The Candy Apples go on first and they are mermaids this week.
Seriously, these girls – women, really – look like they are about 45. Except, of course, for poor Vivi. Vivi is on stage for like twenty seconds total, skipping around between the dancers. This does not escape Jabby’s notice, who says she hopes the judges realize that Cathy’s using Vivi as a “human prop” so she can compete in the 9- and 10-year-old group. Nine and ten year olds! These dancers are, no joke, old enough to drink. What is wrong with Cathy! (Rhetorical question.)
Our girls do their birth dance in nude costumes… so wait, are they supposed to be in “birthday suits”? EWWWWWW.
Jabby says they succeeded even without Brooke and Nia excitedly says, “We’re taking the Candy Apples downnnn.”
Nia and Jabby turn out to be correct, as the Candy Apple Mermaids come in EIGHTH and our girls win the whole thing again! Christi wakes up the dead horse so she can beat it one more time, saying “how ya like THEM apples.” Seriously, Christi that movie came out in 1997. Let it go.
Jabby says that Cathy was sitting behind her and didn’t say congratulations. Of course not. In Cathy’s world, she won and there were actual mermaids there. So Jabby decides that as a sign of “good sportsmanship” her girls should go find Cathy and say what a great job she did. I don’t think that’s exactly how good sportsmanship works, but I for one am not going to argue with Jabby Lee Miller.
Jabby goes up to Cathy and says, “Congratulations. You guys did great. I don’t know what happened… but do you have my bee costume?” Even Crazy-ass Cathy is like “WTF?” She says, “you mean that ugly costume that Vivi wore? I gave it to Good Will.” (Good Will Hunting?)
Melissa breaks in with, “That was $300!”
Cathy: “No one told me.”
Christi: “It’s a memory, it’s irreplaceable.”
Well, THIS sets Cathy off and she comes back with, “LISTEN DISCO BALL… I’m not talking to you today. This is between Abby and I.” LOLOLOLOLOL at DISCO BALL!
She calls Christi Disco Ball again and then says. “Whoville called, they want their nose back.” Okay, first of all, why is Cathy so obsessed with Christi’s nose and secondly, Whos don’t HAVE big noses! They have little button noses. Cathy’s nuts.
There is more name calling and getting in people’s faces and Cathy says “we don’t talk like that in front of our kids.” Then Cathy tells Christi that “the dog pound is calling” and she and her “payless shoes need to walk out of here.” Christi says Cathy is obsessed with money and has “complexity issues.” Cathy who is wearing a muppet, says Christi has no style.
Christi says Cathy grabbed her hand and it was like the grim reaper holding her wrist. Cathy ends the exchange with a final “Move along, Disco Ball,” and we are out for the week.
Next week: Peyton and her mom return (to replace Brooke?); Chloe cries as Jabby yells at her and Jabby and Christi argue over who is a better role model.
Wow, that was a great episode! Cathy really is obsessed with Christi’s appearance. What is that all about?? I do have to give her props for the Disco Ball comment, at least the first time she said it. What did you guys think? Will Brooke find happiness on the cheer team? Will Maddie ever claw her way back to the top of the pyramid? Will Paige ever speak again?
Thanks for all your awesome comments! I love hearing all the behind-the-scenes-at-the-dance-studio stuff, so keep it coming!
Have a great weekend.