Dance Moms Recap: Stahdom Revisited

Well, this is it, Gasmi.  The Nationals are over and everyone should be heading on their way but Jabby has one more surprise for all of them.  As we found out at the end of the last show, the girls are headed back to Hollywood.

We join them as they gather at yet another borrowed studio, ready for the weekly pyramid ceremony.  But Jabby tells them there is no pyramid this week!

Whatevs.  My kid is still number one!

That’s right; she’s got the girls’ pictures lined up in a straight line this time around.  But before everyone can get too excited, she makes sure to tell them that that’s because here in Hollywood it’s not only about talent; it’s more about the look.

Whatchoo tryin to say, Jabby?

She tells us that the girls have some tough lessons to learn here in Hollywood.  She says it doesn’t matter how well you dance, sing, or act; if you don’t have the look they’re looking for you are outta there.

Take it from one who knows

Jabby is ready to reveal the surprise.  She reminds them AGAIN that this is L.A. and the best people in the world come here.

Damn skippy, Jabby!

These best people are all vying for the same job and she’s throwing the girls into the mix as well.  They are going to have the opportunity to audition for a major music video.  To say the girls are excited is a bit of an understatement.

Jabby tells them this time it’s not up to her; she’s not making the decisions.  It’s every dancer for themselves.  Instead of rehearsal tomorrow, Jabby will be having a class.  She’s gonna teach them a hip hop combination since the video will be hip hop.

She tells us that the competition and award ceremony all that other baloney is all gone this is a real time professional experience. THIS Hollywood she tells the girls and it can chew you up and spit you out, or it can make all your dreams come true.

My dream is that I get to chew you up and spit you out.

She tells them they have to be in the right place at the right time and they have to be prepared for the worst.  Sounds like Jabby doesn’t think they’re going to do well.  Actually, she’s probably just trying to make sure they stay realistic.  As anyone who has auditioned knows, it can be a brutal process.  I hope the kids do well.  Having a camera crew following them around certainly is not going to hurt them, right?

The next day we join Jabby and the girls for their hip hop class.  Jabby tells them she has no idea how it is going to go down tomorrow; it could be a hip hop combination to see how quickly they pick up choreography.  She tells the girls that she thinks hip hop is the most difficult hip hop choreography to get.

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

I don’t know that I agree with Jabby about hip hop being the most difficult.  It really depends on what your strengths and weaknesses are as a dancer.  For someone whose strength is ballet or lyrical, yeah, hip hop is going to be challenging to say the least.  But there are plenty of people that can pick up hip hop very easily.

Anyway, for HER girls it probably will be a bit of a challenge since they seem to do a lot of lyrical and acro.  But for kids that dance so much, they should be able to pick up the choreography, even if they have some issues with the “flavor” of the style, so to speak.

The moms head into the other room and relax on sheet covered sofas.

Yikes!  Has anyone at that studio ever heard of slipcovers?!?!?

Kelly thinks this opportunity is AMAZING and Christi think they should take it for what it is and see what happens.  Holly says it’s probably a big time commitment and she’s not sure she has that kind of time to shuttle Nia around.  She’s worried about that.

Melissa says lucky for her she’s a housewife so she can go wherever, whenever.  In fact, Maddie’s been to New York seven times and they would call at a moment’s notice and tell them they had to come in and you just have to do that.

I know you all wish you were me

Holly doesn’t know that she could drop everything, but she also acknowledges that Nia really wants this.  Christi knows that they are all willing to get out there and do whatever their kids need.  If there’s any group of women that would make it happen, it’s these moms.

Melissa joins in saying they would all help each other too.  If any of their kids needed to get to an audition, she would TOTALLY take them.

Bitch, PLEASE.

Ha!  Christie and I had the same reaction to that one!

Melissa’s not worried about Maddie because she is the best all around dancer in the studio.  Was she not listening to Jabby earlier when she said it wasn’t just about talent?

Meanwhile Jabby hips and hops…….

Mackenzie continues to make me love her as she tells us Jabby is funny looking when she tries to do hip hop.

LOVE this kid.

It’s pretty funny because all the girls are cracking up at Jabby’s hip hop efforts.  She tells the girls they need to be stronger and emphasize each movement.  She says the girl standing next to them at the audition could have already done twenty videos.

Maddie says she’s excited and nervous.  Nervous mostly because it’s going to be a hip hop audition and she’s not very good at hip hop.

Wanna know how an audition works?  Let’s ask Jabby!  She tells us it works like this:  you walk in, they throw the choreography at you, you either get it or you don’t.  She says there’s really no way to prepare for it except by being an amazing dancer in all genres of dance.

Audition time!

Cattle call!

Ah, how I do not miss the days of cattle calls.

Agent J.C. Gutierrez comes out to talk to the waiting dancers.  He makes sure to tell them all that MSA (the agency holding the audition) represents some of the top dancers and choreographers in the industry.  Today they are looking for their next generation of stars.

We next join choreographer Ben Allen who is going over the combo that will be used for the audition.

God, I hope I get it

I hope I get it

How many people does he need?

Poor Mackenzie is having a hard time getting the choreography and is a little upset.  The choreographer is obviously a guy who is used to working with kids and he reassures her and tells her to do as much as she can.

Jabby says auditions are not fun for everyone.  They’re going to look you up and down and basically say no to a bunch of people and yes to a few.  The way she goes down the imaginary line saying no, no, no, no, yes reminds me of the scene with Madeline Kahn in History of the World Part One.  Do you know the one I mean?

History of the World

Back to the auditions.  Jabby calls the girls together and tells them that this is a chance of a lifetime; there’s no second chances in an audition.  Now go kill it!  Oh, and have fun.

The girls seem to be doing well during the audition, especially when they’re told to improvise for the last sixteen counts.  Jabby anticipated that and prepared them well.  After the full group is done, Julie MacDonald (co-owner of MSA) wants to see the Jabby girls on their own.

I really wanted some camera time and this was prearranged anyway, so here we are

She says she’s sure the girls are learning that rejection is a huge part of the business, but they aren’t going to learn about that today because she thinks they would be perfect for the video of an up and coming pop star!  How fortunate and completely unplanned in advance!

See?  It’s all about who you know.

I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that this happened completely spontaneously.  This was totally planned as part of the series.

Jabby and the girls are super excited and Jabby says it was like they won the lottery, except with less money I guess.  The girls head back to their moms and Paige says they didn’t get it and then one second later they’re all screaming about being in a video.  Way to fake them out Paige!

Brooke tells us she normally doesn’t get very excited about anything, but being in a music video is pretty exciting.  Yep, she’s thirteen alright!  Jabby tells them she thinks they should keep their auditions numbers to put in their scrapbooks.  I’d make fun of that, but I totally have mine.

Anyway, they head back to their borrowed dance space and are soon joined by producer Seven Williams.  Seven?  What are his brother and sisters’ names, Four, Five and Six?  He exposits that they are going to be making a music video for pop act Lux.  He then introduces the girls to choreographer Ray.

Who looks like he’s not much older than Brooke

Ray says he’s heard sooooooo many great things about them, have they heard of Shake it Up or Victorious?  Well, he works on those shows.  Good.  Now I have someone I can envision punching when I am forced to watch those shows by my niece.  Thanks for putting a face to the hate, Ray!

He tells them they’re going to have some long days coming up and it’s going to be like nothing they’ve ever done before.  Seven jumps in and says they’re going to have to do an onscreen test for hair and makeup, and then on the day of the shoot, he’s going to select just one of them who is going to get to be the star of this video.

Star, you say?

Chloe tells us she really wants to be the lead in the video.  In fact, she wants to make it big in Hollywood and be the featured one in a music video.  Maddie also hopes she gets chosen because she likes being the lead.

Ray starts teaching the girls the choreography and once again, Mackenzie is having a hard time.

Poor Mackenzie

Ray sends her out to get a quick drink and she runs crying to Melissa begging her to not make her go back in.  Aw, I feel so bad for her.  I give Melissa credit because she doesn’t make Mackenzie go back in and tells Ray that she can’t keep up with the older girls, even though she is trying.

And then she kills my good mood by telling Mackenzie to go in and watch and not to hold onto her because she’s not a baby.  UGH.  I should have known better.

Ray tells them that on the day of the shoot is when the boys will be coming in to dance with them.  They’ll be seeing the set for the first time, the director will be there and he will be giving them direction.  So he really needs them to know the lyrics and the steps really well before they get on set.  And then he’s off.

The girls next head over to a salon to get their hair and makeup done for their screen test.  Of course this is a great time for the moms to sit around and gossip while they’re waiting.  Melissa thinks Ra was awesome and Mackenzie was not.  Christi thinks it’s going to be so cute that they’re dancing with boys, but she’s confused because the pop artist is like twenty, so why does she want little kids in her video?  Uhhhh, cause she wants free publicity for her video.  Or Jabby paid for her girls to get it.

Holly says for all their bitching about learning a new routine every week, here is where it’s totally paying off.  Christi is ready to eat some crow.  Holly dishes out helpings for them all, except Melissa.

Not so tasty

The girls finish up their hair and makeup and a snapshot gets sent off to Seven.  Wow, great onscreen testing.

Melissa is up to something.

I know not what you speak of

She retells us that there is going to be a competition for the lead.  She says they all know if it’s based on dance alone that Maddie will get it because she is THE best.  Buuuut, they’re in Hollywood, so she thinks it’s going to be a tough competition, which is why she is now meeting with the producer.  SO SHADY.

My kneepads are back at the hotel…….wanna join me there?

Did you pack a brown paper bag as well?

She really is a piece of work, isn’t she?  I get that she wants her kid to do well, but setting up this meeting is pretty sneaky, don’t you think?

Over at the studio, Maddie is getting in some private rehearsal time.  Shocker.  She thinks she has a good chance to get the lead in the music video.  I think her mom’s efforts might be more fruitful than extra practice.

It’s now the day before the music video and Christi has decided to kick it up a notch by taking Chloe to an acting coach.  Not just ANY acting coach either, one of the best in L.A., Howard Fine.  He tells Chloe that if her goal is to really be an actress she’s going to need to have an open heart.  They work a bit no emotional recall.

Thinking back to sadness

She talks about when her great grandfather died and tells us she’s having a hard time getting emotional and expressing herself.  Howard asks if she thinks she’s the best dancer in her studio.  And she says she thinks it’s close between her and Maddie.  He wants to know what keeps her from bring number one.  He thinks she might be holding herself back because she is so sensitive and she needs to understand that her success isn’t going to hurt someone else.

That’s what I love about acting; it can be a bit like therapy sometimes. I think this is going to be great for Chloe.  She says Howard told hers she needs to walk in there like she already has it, and then he tells her she needs to not be afraid to be strong.   Think Christi might want to take him back to Pittsburgh with them.

While the girls are busy rehearsing, the moms go out for drinks.  Christi says she is so happy that their girls are getting to do something where Jabby isn’t in charge of who the star is.  Melissa looks less than thrilled about that, but I’m sure that she’s confident of Maddie’s success after her secret meeting with the producer.

Christi says she’s sure they are all hoping that it’s their kid that gets the lead.  Melissa picks that moment to tell the ladies that she went out for coffee with Seven the other day.

Should I punch her now or later?

Kelly wonders since Melissa went out with Seven does that mean Maddie is now the star?  Not at all, says Melissa.  Christi says that’s not playing by the rules; she would never think to do that.  Melissa doesn’t know how that’s not playing by the rules.  Because it’s going above and beyond what the rest of them do.

Hey, it’s not my problem you won’t suck strange cock.

Christi tells us that once again it’s not an even playing field.  This is what they’ve been dealing with all season, really it’s what they’ve been dealing with for years.  She went into this thinking her daughter at least had a chance and now Melissa has ruined that.

It’s now the day of the music video.  The girls get into hair and makeup and then Jabby pulls them together for a little talk.  She tells us that today the girls are getting their first taste of being a professional dancer.  This is everything they’ve been working for.  She says she thinks the boys have all worked professionally before and she wants her girls to behave as well as they do.

In come the boys, and Jabby is sure to tell them that their job is making the girls looks good.  I’m sure they appreciate her sharing that with them.  She’s bit concerned about the boys because they’re not very big.  After all, a guy should be about six inches taller than his partner.

Mackenzie’s partner seems like he’s having a bit of a hard time, and then before you know it, Mackenzie is crying again.  Melissa pulls her off to the side and Jabby goes over to tell her she can’t do this.  Does she want to be labeled as difficult to work with?  Oh for Chrissakes!  They should have known this was going to happen!  She had a breakdown at the audition and then again at the rehearsal; they should have pulled her out then.

Don’t make me look worse than I make myself look, goddamn it!

Mackenzie does end up rejoining the group and Ray has her try out her moves with a different partner.

Seven arrives and goes right over to Melissa to give her a hug.  That does not go unnoticed by the other moms.  Christi looks like she wants to puke.  Seven tells them that Lux wants to meet them and they go out to see her.  They all think she is beautiful and she says one of them is going to be playing a mini her.

Once I see her I have a sneaking suspicion that I may know how this is going to turn out.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Brooke catches on quickly and says she’s realized that to get the part you’re going to have to look like Lux.  She’s a smart one that Brooke.

The girls next meet the directors, Tony and Ben, and they are told that they are going to have to do a little catwalk so that they can decide who is going to get the lead.  Maddie’s first and Jabby tells us she thinks Maddie has it in the bag.

Mackenzie goes next, then Paige, then it’s Chloe’s turn.  While Chloe is taking her turn Maddie tells us she has also realized it’s about the look and she’s worried because Chloe’s hair is styled just like Lux’s.  Brooke and Nia take their turns and Nia uses the opportunity to show off her newly acquired death drop.  You go girl!

The guys confer for a couple of minutes and then are ready to announce the lead.  It’s going to be…….

WOO HOO!!!!!

I KNEW it!!!!!!!!!  I am so happy for Chloe!!

Melissa realizes that a blow job doesn’t always work

Paige is the first one to hug Chloe and Christi is crying with happiness for her kid.  Finally Chloe has her moment in the spotlight.  Melissa says she is happy too even though she looks totally miserable.  Maddie says she doesn’t cry like SOME people do when they don’t get the lead; she is totally happy for Chloe.

They shoot the video and Chloe does great in the spotlight.  In fact, all the girls seem to have a great time even as they realize it’s a lot of work.  Melissa has now decided that it’s better that Maddie didn’t get the lead because she is dancing the entire time and some agent is going to see her dance and they are going to snatch her up.  Melissa is a snatch.

After the shoot Chloe and Christi hug and Christi tells her daughter that she did amazing.  Christi hopes that this will help Chloe get back some of the sparkle that she’s lost.  Chloe thinks this is helping her get more confidence, and Jabby says Chloe was amazing and she’s proud of her.

They head back to Pittsburgh and gather for one last meeting at Jabby’s studio.  She first congratulates all of them on being national champions and then says she was sent a copy of the music video that she’s going to play for them (and us, of course).

And that’s how we end the season, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Did you know when I did that Chloe was going to get the lead?  Were you happy to see Melissa’s plans foiled?

As most of you already know, the show’s been renewed for a second season.  Personally, I wish they were moving on to a different studio instead of sticking with these nuts.  Alas, that’s not going to happen.  Will you be back for more?

SWAK, PottyMouth

PS – sorry this last one was late; I’ve had a nasty stomach bug and it’s kept me away from the computer for the last week.  I was DYING to talk to you guys since I was so happy for Chloe!!!