Previously on Dance Moms: Melissa got secretly engaged (which doesn’t factor into this episode at all so I don’t know why they’re showing it); Chloe made a fake beef jerky commercial and the girls by no means did any kind of fake dance at a fake competition as fake nude showgirls. In fact, there was no new episode last week. Anything you might have read on the Internet is a lie.
Nothing to see here
We get right to the lineup. Jabby says Fire and Ice “Elite” was a big disappointment because the girls didn’t even place. She says the group number was a “train wreck” because no one was in sync and overall they needed to be “cleaner.” Not cleaner in the “let’s not dress 10-year-olds like prostitution whores” sense but more in the “straight legs and not falling on our asses” sense. What happened to “winning isn’t everything”? Oh right. Never happened.
Pyramid: Mackenzie is last because her acting could have been “bigger” and “longer” and she needs to turn her feet out when walking. Next we have Paige because she didn’t “utilize” her spare time in the dressing room to practice. Then Nia, because Jabby needs more from her. Second row is Chloe, who did a nice job in her solo, but since she’s competing with 12-year-olds, she needs to dance like a 12-year-old. (Left unsaid is that Maddie dances like a 12-year-old.)
Then we have Brooke who is now dancing with 13-15-year-olds and won the division (really? Did we see this?). On top, we have Maddie for the second week in a row. Jabby asks her if they can make it three. Well, since the pyramid is completely arbitrary and you make it up as you go along, I’m thinking that yes, yes we can. Maddie interviews that she’s happy to be on top again, but she feels bad for the other girls for being such pathetic bottom-dwelling losers.
This week, they will be going to Miami Beach where there will be, in the words of Jabby, “Sun, sand and pool boys!” Rich people weep as thousands of pool boys simultaneously flee Miami.
The group number will be an homage to Annette Funicello, Frankie Avalon and Beach Blanket Bingo. I guess that’s no weirder than them doing a 40s number with rats and snoods, but Jabby announces it like the girls are supposed to know who Annette Funicello is. I remember her from Skippy commercials.
Would you pull that crap with Annette?
And Frankie Avalon was in Grease.
I’m heading out to that malt shop in the sky. You should totally stop by.
But these girls weren’t even born until like 20 years after Grease 2 and… I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
Anyhoo, Paige echoes my thoughts, saying that she has no idea what Jabby’s talking about with her “Annette Funicelli and Beach Bingo.” Jabby orders the girls to watch old 60s beach movies to get the idea. This week’s inappropriate costume will be an “itsy bitsy
teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.”
Maddie, Chloe and Nia are getting solos, while Maddie, Chloe and Paige will do a trio. Paige interrupts to say that she’s getting plantar warts cut off her feet tomorrow. Kelly says she can’t change the appointment, but Paige should be okay in three days. Jabby is somewhat reasonable, surprisingly, and says that she may have to switch out the trio, but that Paige’s feet are the priority.
A cow montage brings us to Ohio (are these the cows that went into the beef jerky, I wonder?) where Kendall is getting a private lesson from Crazy Cathy.
Who you calling Jerky?
Cathy interviews that Jabby is great at pointing out faults, but not so great at correcting them. Under her “tutelage,” she says, Kendall will do great. Shrill gushes over the fact that Cathy was able to fix three or four of Kendall’s issues in fifteen minutes. Cathy assures Shrill that they’ll get to the “core” of it, “no pun intended.” Of course the pun was intended. I hate when people say that. Also, drink.
Cathy interviews that she has “big plans” for Kendall. Shrill interviews that Cathy may have “big plans” for Kendall, but she hopes they’re in line with HER plans. Ooh, let me guess. You’re going to throw a tantrum, storm out of Candy Apples and go to a rival studio?
The girls rehearse the group dance, which Jabby says hearkens back to an “age of innocence.” Of beach balls and umbrellas. Of ice cream and fireflies and the sound of a baseball game wafting through an open window. People will come, Ray… oh, sorry. Jabby interrupts my reverie by screaming, “If you don’t point your foot, I’m gonna break it!” And if you don’t eat your meat, you won’t get any pudding.
Up in the booth, Melissa asks Kelly why Paige is having wart surgery now. Kelly says that Paige can barely walk and pain is fine for a Broadway dancer, but not for her 11-year-old. The moms speculate about the trio and agree that Nia should take Paige’s place, if Paige can’t do it. Somehow, Holly, who is supposed to be the smart one, thinks it would be a good idea to go down and discuss putting Nia in the trio during rehearsal. Because that ALWAYS ends well.
Holly goes down and Jabby screams at her that she doesn’t walk into Holly’s school and interrupt her during the work day.
Okay, first I’ll yell at you about the trio, then you scream at me to get out.
I would freaking love it if Jabby came into my work to yell at me. Anything to make the day go by faster. Jabby says that Holly should understand better than anyone how intrusive it is to be interrupted. Holly says she wants just Jabby to consider Nia for the trio and Jabby screams that that was her plan all along. Holly says a mom looking out for her daughter trumps a dance teacher, and Jab screams that’s not the case in her studio. She yells “This is my domain, I’m the principal here!” Because we’ve gone five whole seconds without someone mentioning that Holly is a principal.
Jabby says she won’t be bossed around in her studio and they yell back and forth until Jabby screams at Holly to get the hell out because she is expelled. Holly says no amount of solos, duos or trios is worth all this aggravation. She says she is never setting foot in this studio again, blah, blah, blah. I would be more interested if I thought this were a real fight.
The next day, the girls rehearse the group number and Nia is nowhere to be found. Oh no! Could she really be gone for good? I’m on the edge of my seat here.
Up in the booth, Kelly and Christi joke “and then there were two.”
Ain’t nobody here but us bitches
Kelly says she doesn’t blame Holly and she hopes Jabby didn’t push her too far this time. Christi says if they were to lose Holly it would be devastating because she keeps them sane. She adds, “If we were to be called sane, that is.” Exactly. We cut to the floor where Jabby notes that Nia missed rehearsal, but “everyone is replaceable” and… YAWN.
Next we get to see Paige get her plantar warts cut off and I find that more offensive than any stripper whore costume.
Eww. Bring back the nekkid showgirls.
The doctor tells Paige she’s good to dance, but she should hold off if it’s too painful. You mean painful like this episode? I’m starting to get cranky.
In the Buckeye state, Cathy informs Shrill that she got Kendall a “gig” dancing during the halftime show of a Harlem Globetrotters game. I totally thought the Globetrotters disbanded in like 1978, but they are still going strong and have had quite an illustrious television career. From Love Boat to Gilligan’s Island to Man vs. Food to Dance Moms. Quite a trajectory.
Back at Jabby’s, the trio rehearses and Paige’s feet are hurting. Jabby tells her to “cowboy up.” Paige says she’s doing her best. Jab says Paige is making her nervous and she may have to pull the trio from the competition. The tension is killing me.
Oh, here’s shocking development. Holly and Nia are back.
This is where I’ll pretend to be contrite
Holly says she doesn’t want their fight to affect Nia. Jabby says she would NEVER let a kid’s parent hold them back (unless they are Kendall or Peyton, I guess). Holly says she came back to teach Nia to take the high road, be the bigger person and not run away from her problems. Holly interviews “My kid loves to dance and if I have to deal with that evil witch Abby, then I’ll be the bigger person.” Well, not literally, but we get your point.
In the studio, Jab screams at Nia because she missed a whole day of rehearsals and she tells her she has to practice every minute they are in Florida. During Nia’s solo rehearsal, Jabby makes Nia stick a sharpie between her ankles to keep them together or something.
And then you can scrub the floor with a toothbrush
She warns Nia that she had better nail her routine after all the trouble that Holly caused. But she’s not going to punish Nia for Holly’s actions, no sir.
Welcome to Miami! Jabby takes the girls to the beach and yells at them because Nia is the only one who watched Beach Blanket Bingo as ordered. Jabby makes everyone do 50 pushups as punishment and she laments that the moms don’t back up her or her lessons. Then Jabby makes Nia demonstrate the swim, the jerk and the pony (dance steps) and then the girls practice on the beach.
The girls want to go into the water and Jabby threatens to throw Mackenzie in. It’s actually really cute. They all play and frolic in the ocean while Jab gets her tan on.
It almost – almost – makes me think that Jabby isn’t the super megabitch that she pretends to be. But a reality show wouldn’t show anything but reality, would it?
Payback’s a beach
The moms relax by the pool with drinks in hand and have another fascinating conversation about Paige’s feet. Christi says something about Nia sneaking into Paige’s room with a lit cigarette so she’ll develop a blister and can’t dance and Nia can be in the trio. Of course Christi would think of that.
Remember that time in Miami when we talked about Paige’s feet?
Yeah. That was awesome.
Back on the sand, Jab asks Paige how her foot is and she says it’s great as long as she doesn’t walk or run. Jabby says, well, don’t walk or run. Oh my god, is this over yet?
Back in the great state of Ohio, Kendall is getting ready for her big debut at the Canton Memorial Civic Center.
They say the neon lights are bright in Canton
She says she’s under a lot of pressure because this is the most people she’s danced in front of and she doesn’t want to disappoint her mom or Cathy. Cathy tells Kendall it’s going to be great for her, the Candy Apples and Kendall. I’m sure Kendall is thrilled to be part of Cathy’s master plan for world domination.
Today, the Canton Memorial Civic Center. Tomorrow, the world
Kendall dances and does a good job and gets high-fives from the Globetrotters. Pretty impressive, Kendall. It just seems so random though.
This is how groupies are made
Competition day in Miami. In the dressing room, Jabby for the four millionth time talks about how awesome dancers in Miami are and how she wants them to be impressed by the girls from Pittsburgh. Christi notes that Paige is icing her feet. Jabby says she’d rather pull the number now rather than right before they’re supposed to go on, but Paige says she’s fine, she can do it. Jabby says something about biting her in the butt and tells them to go out there to be the divas she knows they can be.
We get out there and there is no stage, but a gym floor! But somehow it’s not a big deal like it was in Texas. I don’t know why. The trio dances, then the group.
Melissa interviews that they look really adorable and it is a cute number. They also look really tan.
Awards. The group gets third place, while the trio comes in second. Jabby says she’s proud on both counts because the competition is fierce in Miami and they were competing against high schoolers. The Candy Apples would fit right in. Jab says it’s impressive that they placed in the top three. She believes the solos will shine.
Melissa says she’s nervous for Maddie because of the gym floor and then we see footage of Maddie falling in Texas. But she manages to do her solo with no carnage.
I’m looking at my foot, but I’m seeing the top of the pyramid
Chloe interviews that she loves her costume and she hopes to win first place.
With God as my witness, I’ll never be second again
You all know that I am a Chloephile, but I think she was a little sloppy in this number. Nothing terrible, just not as good as usual. Jabby agrees, saying she did well, but there were some things she could have done better. (Of course that’s what Jabby says every week.)
Now it’s time for Nia’s solo. Holly interviews that Nia was shaken up by Holly’s fight with Jabby and she’s worried that Nia will focus more on pleasing Jabby than on the dance. Her worries are valid because Nia freezes up on stage!
Deer, meet headlights
She runs off crying and the girls watch in horror. Poor Mackenzie starts crying too. Aww. That is so cute. Holly runs to Nia and tells her to stop psyching herself out. Holly goes and asks the competition director if Nia can have a do-over and the comp director says she can.
Backstage, they all wait for Jabby’s reaction, but Jab only says she heard that Nia was going to dance again and she tells her she has to be 1,000 times better the second time around. Jabby says she’s preparing Nia for the real world. Nia goes on again and pulls off the number with no problems.
Holly says she’s happy for Nia and proud of her for having the courage to face the audience. Jabby says good for Nia – if you fall off the bike, you have to get back on it. Nia says she’s proud of herself.
Solo awards. Chloe gets second place, Maddie wins (of course) and Nia comes in third! Well, that’s good I guess, but maybe they were the only three solos entered in that age group? Maybe that’s why the comp director didn’t care if she went again because she was only up against her own studio? I don’t know, I’m just making shit up.
Heh heh, back on top
Jabby interviews that she’s proud of her girls because all the solos placed and she says she’s “glad they came to Miami and kicked some tan butts.” In the dressing room, the moms and Jabby talk about going out clubbing and Holly says they are tired so they’re going to “Club BED.” I know exactly how they feel because that’s where I’m going right now. This episode was boring, yet exhausting.
Next week: Someone gets sent a letter from an attorney(?); Jabby says there are two things you don’t talk about – weddings and divorces; Melissa won’t accept a gift from Cathy; someone gets taken away in an ambulance and Jabby calls Cathy a worm.
So that’s it. Did anyone else think this episode was laaaame? I mean, aside from Paige’s feet and the fake fight between Holly and Jabby there was nothing going on. And wasn’t it just random that Kendall danced for the Harlem Globetrotters? Totally freaking random. Hopefully next week will be better!
Thanks for reading and have a great St. Patrick’s Day! If you’re bored, here’s something to get you in the mood: St. Patrick’s Day at Cheers
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