Dance Moms Recap: The Return of the Jabby

Are you ready for season two of Dance Moms, Gasmi?  Well, ready or not, the bitch is back!  I should say the bitchES are back because Jabby always has some company in that department.

After a recap of last season’s drama, we join Jabby, the moms and the girls back at the studio in Pittsburgh.  Jabby is already cranky because Holly is not there.  Why?  She had to work, Nia tells her.

No!  It’s because she doesn’t care about you!  Not one bit!

Jabby tells Nia that her mom needs to leave work, leave the job, forget it, and be here with her.  Yeah, sitting on her ass in the viewing room sounds like SUCH a better use of Holly’s time than WORKING AND MAKING MONEY, right Jabby?!?!?

UGH, STFU Jabby.  Some moms have to work to PAY for your fucking dance program.  Not everyone can work behind the desk (and give their boyfriends 572 blow jobs a week) like Melissa.  Also?  Why does she feel the need to bash Holly to her fucking kid?!?!?  Just talk to her about your issues when she gets there.

Oooohhhhhhhh…..my bad……..what Jabby is really doing is looking out for Nia.  You see, she thinks that when all the other moms are loitering around and Holly is off working that it makes Nia feel bad.

Looks to me like Nia feels tired.

Now that she’s successfully made Nia feel better, Jabby moves on to talk about how the girls are now National champions.  This sounds so much more impressive than it really is because it’s not like they’re champions of the whole nation across all competitions; they’re the champions of whichever competition they won for.  I’m not trying to take away from that because it IS great; I just hate when Jabby tries to make their accomplishments even MORE than what they truly are.

You are also major video stars who can barely walk down the streets of Pittsburgh without getting recognized!

But it’s not all fun and games, Jabby warns them.  They are now a target and when they walk in it’s going to be all about beating the Jabby Lee Dance Company.  Ha!  Maybe for certain crazy people that shall remain nameless (rhymes with Bath-EEEEEE), but I highly doubt most studios will spend all their time worrying about Jabby.

Jabby must’ve been reading my mind because she starts talking about Cathy and how she’s not here and doesn’t she suck and that’s what she gets for not playing Jabby’s game.  I don’t know why Jabby wastes her breath on Cathy; last year proved her dancers were WAAAAAYYYYYY below Jabby’s girls on the excellence scale.  It’s just silly to waste any time talking about them.

Free Vivi!!!

Jabby is going to hold an open audition for another dancer to join their group.  The moms don’t look too thrilled about this and Kelly says she is a little worried given that her girls somehow always end up on the bottom.  What if Jabby replaces them?

Please God, let her replace me

Jabby tells them to tell everyone they know that they are looking for a new girl.  Yeah, I’m sure they’re going to be all over that one!

Jabby tells them everyone’s replaceable and hilariously, Christi says (to us)  “WE KNOOOOOOOW, we heard.  So are you.”  LOLOL, good one, Christi!

So…….the pyramid is sticking around.  Blech.  Y’all know I’m no fan of this stupid thing.  It creates unnecessary drama.  As usual, Mackenzie is at the bottom of the pyramid because she is the youngest and isn’t given much to do.  Jabby tells her the vacation is over, she’s seven now and she expects the same things from her as she got from Maddie at seven.

I hate my sister.

Next in the bottom, Brooke.  Jabby says she did great at competition but then decided to take the summer off.  WTF was she thinking?  Probably that she’d be at the bottom whether she took a vacation or not so she might as well have a little fun OVER THE SUMMER.  Paige is next, for the same reasons as Brooke.

Nia is next, so even though her mom works it looks like she somehow got her to dance all summer long.  Jabby goes off about how it’s always all about Nia winning a title as far as her mom is concerned, but obviously her mom doesn’t give a crap about her dance career because she hasn’t even bothered to show up.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jabby, GIVE IT A REST!!!  The lady has to work!  Get over your fucking self!

What PottyMouth said.

I am still loving Nia because in her interview she tells us that it’s not important for her mom to be there, it’s important for HER to be there.  After all, her mom isn’t the dancer, she is.  Never change, Nia.

Chloe is next because even though she got the job in the music video, her name is not Maddie and therefore she is contractually obligated to be second fiddle.  I predict one week that she’s in the top spot (just like last season) and then Jabby will find a reason to put Maddie right back up there again.

Sooooo……need I say Maddie is on top?

Suck it Bitches!  (season two version)

Jabby says Maddie has to step up even more because she has moved up an age category and is now the youngest in that level.  Maddie is not worried.

This week they’ll be competing at Dance Troupes in Greensboro, N.C.  I’ve never heard of that competition, but that’s not saying much because there are SO MANY competitions out there.  Anyone have any scoop on this one?  Spill, spill.

Just like last season, Jabby has decided they will be constantly learning a new routine, so they are gonna need to get cracking because they have nothing ready at this point (uh huh, sure).  She dismisses the moms (yeah, Holly SOOOOO needed to be there for that speech, right?) and for the girls it’s time to get to work.

She tells us they are the reigning national champions (of one competition) and as difficult as it is to get to the top, it’s even harder to stay there.  That’s her goal for the girls this year; she wants them to dominate at the competitions.

They start rehearsing their new routine, Sassy Dolls, and two seconds into it, Jabby starts yelling about sloppy hands.

I wish I was still on vacation

Christi is up in the viewing room, basically saying what I did about Chloe getting the job but still not landing on top of the pyramid.  Kelly is not feeling very sympathetic given that her girls are always riding the bottom row.  They also talk about how weird it will be to have another mom in the group and they sure hope she’s not a crazy bitch like Cathy was.

Speaking of Crazyass Cathy……

She’s baaaaaaaaack

No, not at Jabby’s place; we head on over to Ohio to meet up with Cathy there.  She’s got her own dancer meeting that’s about to start, complete with moms standing at attention as well.  It looks like she’s added a couple of kids to the ones we already met last year, but you can bet your ass she is still forcing her daughter to dance.  Poor thing.

Cathy says things have been super fabulous over here at Candy Assles.  They have loads of projects that they’ve been working on and they’re also going to be starting their competition a little early this year.  Imagine that.  They also have a couple of scores they’re looking to settle and when Jabby and those moms see them, they are going to be blown away.

I’m gonna knock them out.  If not with the dancing, then with my breath.

She tells her dancers (and moms) about how Vivi went to study with Jabby and about the pyramid bullshit that Jabby does.  Cathy has her own version of the pyramid, except in HER studio everyone is going to have a chance to be on the top of the pyramid.

The Candy Assles pyramid is going to consist of a row with everyone except for one person.  That dancer is at the top that week and they will be the one doing a solo.  I was sure she was going to pick Vivi first, but instead she picks an older girl named Erica.

Congrats Erica.  Hope you don’t get your ass handed to you.

After another quick cuckoo from Cathy, we’re leaving Candy Assles and heading back to Jabby’s place where she is yelling at Nia for being all over the place.  Up in the viewing room, Christi and Kelly can’t believe what a bitch Jabby was being about Holly having to work.

Holly walks in and says Christi told her what was going on, but she wants to know how the whole thing went down.  Melissa counters by saying she’s concerned because Nia is doing a solo that weekend and Holly isn’t going to be there.  Ummm….okaaay?

Holly rightfully thinks that Jabby should come to HER if she has a problem with Holly, not take it out on her daughter.  So she does what a sane, normal person would do; go to talk Jabby.  The problem is that Jabby is neither sane nor normal, so I think we all know how this is going to play out.

Oh, look who finally arrived!

Holly doesn’t rise to the passive aggressive bait and says she just wanted to check in and see if everything is okay between them.  Nope.  Parent attendance was mandatory today.  Holly thinks that maybe moms who don’t work have a more flexible schedule, which makes me wonder how much notice Jabby is giving these ladies for these meetings.  I know, I know, they must all have the production schedule, right?

The thing is, I’ve dealt with dance teachers who think it’s perfectly acceptable to change a schedule less than two hours before those classes or rehearsals are supposed to start.  And as a parent that also works, I would have never been able to accommodate those changes (luckily it was never my son’s teacher doing those things).  I’m not saying that’s what happened here, but I do think Holly’s situation is a little different than the moms that don’t work.

You want an opinion, you attend my meetings.  That way I can tell you in front of everyone that your opinion doesn’t matter.

 Then Jabby says Nia’s dad was there to drop Nia off, why didn’t HE stay?  THEN she says that HER dad even took her to the talk about getting her period!  What the hell does that have to do with attending the pyramid meeting?!?!?!?  I think Jabby’s trying to say that Nia’s dad isn’t involved, but yelling about how your daddy took you to the period talk is a bit much, even for her.

He even helped me put in my first tampon!!!  THAT’S Love, dammit!!

I don’t know about your dads, Gasmi, but mine avoided ANY talk of feminine biology at ALL costs.  Shit, I had a live in boyfriend in college and my dad actually asked me if he slept on the couch!  Talk about denial!!  Period talks?  My dad would have rather dropped dead!

THEN Jabby goes into her really nasty mood, telling Holly she better get with the program because her kid needs someone; she’s not that swift.  GASP!!!  She also tells Holly that she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips because she has a doctorate.  Holly counters that perhaps Jabby is intimidated by her.  Jabby thinks that is BULL.  I think Holly may have just hit the nail on the head.

Later that day (or another day altogether), Holly takes Nia out for some milkshakes and a chat.  She needs to tell Nia that she can’t go to her competition that weekend because she has to work, and it’s gonna be really hard to break that news to her.  Awwww, I’d soften the blow with milkshakes too, Holly.

She breaks the news to Nia and I gotta say, the kid handles it so well.  She asks Holly if she’s positive she has to work, but takes it so well when Holly says there is no way she can make it. Holly tells Nia it makes her so sad she won’t be able to be there, and Nia says, “Me too.”

Me three.

You guys, Nia is such an awesome kid.

Holly tells her daughter than she is going to have a talk with Jabby and make it clear to her that if she’s got issues about Holly not being there, she needs to talk to HER, not Nia.  Yeah, I think we all (including Nia) know how effectual that little conversation is going to be!

Time for the open call!

It’s amazing to see how many famewhores there are wanting to get their kids (and themselves) on TV, isn’t it?

You know what I don’t understand?  If Jabby’s name is sooooooooooo important to her, why hold an open audition?  Why not audition ONLY dancers from within her own studio?  Wasn’t that part of the issue that she ended up having with Vivi, the shoddy training?  I know, I know, I’m trying to be logical when Jabby is anything but.

Jabby gives the entire group of auditioners one of her famous and inspiring pep talks, and then we meet Leslie and Payton.  Payton has been dancing with Jabby for the last four years and frankly, Leslie CANNOT believe that she is being made to audition.  Oh, Leslie.

Dancing, dancing, dancing.  Girls get cut.  Jabby yells.  More dancing with Jabby yelling at the same time.  It looks like the girls that were already on the team are also being made to audition (good, they should), so their moms are up in the viewing room with a bunch of strangers.

Kelly can’t imagine any of these moms fitting in with them because they are such a tight knit group already.

I hate these bitches already!

Christi’s worried because she already has to be on the constant look out for Melissa; she doesn’t want to have to be looking over BOTH shoulders.

Jabby says she’s looking for a kid that’s really going to fit in with the chemistry of the group.  They can’t be too old; they can’t be too young.  She doesn’t want another Mackenzie or Brooke.  So basically she’s looking for a kid around the same age as Chloe, Maddie, Paige and Nia.  I’m gonna call it now: that Payton kid with mom that doesn’t feel like they should have to audition?

TOO OLD looking

No way she’s gonna get on the team, mark my words.

Annnnnndddd……call it.  Jabby cuts Peyton from one of the last groups of kids.  Jabby does says she loves her, but she’s just not right for this particular competition team.  Leslie says it’s no fair, and Kelly tells her she thinks that Peyton was simply too tall.  Leslie doesn’t care.

Down in the studio, Jabby’s narrowed it down to three girls.  After drawing it out just a little bit, Jabby announces Kendall as her choice for the open spot.  Kendall’s mom, Jill, just knows everyone is going to love her.  Jabby says this is a tight knit group, and she’s not gonna say it’s going to be easy.  Kendall is on probation for the first several weeks.

Much ass kissing will be required during that time

Oh, and mom?  There’s a competition this weekend.  She has three days to prepare.  Jabby dismisses the team telling them she’ll see them bright and early tomorrow for rehearsal.  She keeps Jill behind to tell her that Kendall needs to come in tomorrow for a private right after school; she’ll be doing a solo at the competition.

As Jill starts to leave, Leslie (mom of Payton who didn’t make it) comes in to talk to Jabby.  She’d like Jabby to explain to her why the fuck her daughter isn’t a part of the team.  Jabby says she’s just too tall.  Leslie is not buying it; she thinks Jabby should find a place for her kid.

Jabby must think her kid is good because instead of completely losing it like I was anticipating, she stays pretty calm, telling Leslie that Payton just doesn’t fit in with this group of kids; she looks too old, dances too mature, she’s just not right for THIS group.

I will have my fifteen minutes of fame godammit!!!!!

Dayum.  Gasmi, I’m still in shock that Jabby didn’t go off on her the way we’ve seen her do to the other moms; she spent that entire conversation trying to placate this lady.  Wow.

It’s now two days until competition.  We’ve got group rehearsals and solo rehearsals.  Maddie’s doing a solo (DUH).  Maddie may be moving into a new age category

But she’s still doing the same old moves

Seriously, Jabby?  Don’t you put that move in every single solo she does?  Pleh.  Jabby says she thinks it’s going to be a tough year for Maddie because she’s now at the youngest age in a new category; there are kids she knows that are 10, 11 or 12 that will make mincemeat outta Maddie.

Nia’s doing a tropically themed solo and tells her she doesn’t want to hear any crap from her mom about the dance being ethnic.  Chloe’s rehearsal is all about Jabby saying how much work she’s gonna have to do; she thinks the recognition that Chloe’s gotten over the music video is going to her head.

Sorry, not buying it

Can we talk for a minute about the sausage bangs?

Sometimes you just need to put the curling iron down and walk away.  For reals.

Up in the viewing room Christi is already starting in on Jill, saying she’ll probably show up with a big gift for Jabby.  Melissa thinks she seems nice.  Christi points out that Melissa also thought Cathy was nice.  Melissa is just trying to give Jill the benefit of the doubt.  I guess that’s why she then tells the ladies that she heard about people quitting the last studio Jill was at because she’s such a fucking nightmare.

But I’m sure she’s just awesome.  I just heard that everyone who ever meets her hates her, that’s all.

Of course Jill arrives as the ladies are in the middle of talking about her, but she either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore it.  Probably a smart move when you’re the nubie in a group like this.  Jill introduces herself to them and Christi points out what I also noticed immediately:  Jill talks like a phone sex operator.  She’s got that trying too hard to be breathy quality about her voice.  I have a feeling this one is going to be a piece of work.

Kendall rehearses with Jabby who makes sure to tell us all that this kid is getting the biggest break of her life.  HA!!!!!  Damn.  Now I’ve got food all over my keyboard.  Jabby, how many times have I told you not to make me laugh while I’m eating???

Huh?

Never mind.  I see someone tranq’d you before rehearsal this morning.

Don’t worry Gasmi, those tranquilizers never last for too long and before you know Jabby is back up to charging speed again.

Where’s she going?

Jill is telling the other moms that she’s pretty sure Kendall is going to be able to hang.  Then she says their old studio was about an hour away and she lives locally.  Christi wonders why she wasn’t coming here if she lives just around the corner.  Well, she didn’t like the things she was hearing about Jabby, but once she found out both she and her kid could be on TV she decided that anything Jabby could dish out would be totally worth it.

These moms may not like the way Jabby treats them, but they’re certainly not going to listen to anyone talk crap about her.  Melissa points out that they ALWAYS beat Jill’s studio whenever they competed against them.  Christi adds that both Chloe and Maddie have gone head to head with Kendall and they kicked her ass.

How rude!

Jill thinks that Christi wouldn’t bring any of that up if she wasn’t at least a little worried about Kendall.  After all, there are a million Chloes and Maddies out there.  Kendall’s here and she’s staying.

It’s one day to competition and you guessed it, they’re rehearsing.  Melissa was supposed to make a prop and it still isn’t done, and Jabby is not happy that she’s still working on corrections this close to competition.  They need to learn this choreography and know it perfectly.  In just five days.  Shut up, Jabby.

Brooke is up in the viewing room with her mom and Jabby is not happy; they were supposed to get some water and come right back.  Someone makes a comment that Brooke wants to go to the football game and Jabby loses it.  She yells at her to go; Jabby will call Payton and tell her to get here.  Also, Brooke has writing on her hand which Jabby calls tacky, making Brooke cry.

Jabby is disgusted by that, saying she looks like a freaking six year old.  She doesn’t care if it takes two hours or four hours, if you’re a part of the team you stay until the routine is clean.  ARGH!!!!!!!  What’s so annoying about this is that if she’d stop with the whole learn a new routine in five days thing, they’d already have had PLENTY of time to clean the routine.  Most studios work on their numbers for competition AT LEAST three or four months before competing them.  What she’s doing to them is SO UNNECESSARY.

And then she acts like Brooke is an asshole for actually wanting to be a kid and do things with her friends.  I cannot for the life of me understand why Kelly continues to make Brooke be here when it’s painfully obvious she doesn’t want to be.  I’m not saying quit dance altogether, I’m saying Brooke does not want to be at that level of commitment you need to be at for a competitive dance team.  Not all kids love dance enough to want to be there all the time.

Sorry, it just really irks me.  Of course Brooke ends up staying and Jabby keeps her after to try her costume on, but Kelly wants her to go now because rehearsal has already run way over.  Once again Jabby and Kelly have words (shocker).  Honestly it was practically nothing, they didn’t even raise their voices, and we all know it could get SOMUCH worse.

We don’t find out if Brooke ever got to go to that football game after all because it’s now the next day and everyone is loading into the bus to travel to competition.  In a snowstorm.  Well, at least they don’t have to drive there individually, right?  I’d rather be on a bus than have to drive in that shit.

I’d rather my mom be going

But she’s not, so she tells Nia that the other dance moms will be looking out for her and it’ll be just like she’s right there with her.  No, it won’t.  But I get why Holly is telling her that.  Nia gives her mom a big hug and I’ll be honest with ya Gasmi, I teared up just a leetle.  Holly doesn’t want Nia to see her cry so she gives her a hug and then gets off the bus before she starts.

Holly then goes out to break the news to Jabby.  Jabby rolls down her window and rolls it right back up the second Holly says she’s not coming.  Holly continues speaking to Jabby through the glass but you just know Jabby’s in there with her fingers in her ears going “la,la,la,lalalalalalalla, I can’t hear you!!!!”  So mature.

On the bus, Jill and Kendall have a present for Jabby (oooooo, Christi called it, huh?!?).  Christi says if she was going to give Jabby a gift she’d get her a three month trial membership to Weight Watchers because it would be the gift that keeps on giving.  Bwahahahahaha!  I love it when Christi is being a smartass and not focusing on the whole Maddie vs. Chloe thing.

More of this Christi please!

They arrive at the competition and Jabby says there is some amazing talent there.  She’s excited to see what’s going to happen on stage.  Once again, Jabby’s small group of girls get their own dressing room (yes, I’m still annoyed at that and no, I will not get over it).  She tells Chloe not to forget her dance, reminds Kendall that she’s still on probation

And tells Jill she should stop trying to make jackets out of dust ruffles.

What the hell was that fugly thing?!?!?

Jabby also reminds Maddie she’s in a new age group (complete with crystals of all shapes and sizes) and tells her not to disappoint; get out there and do what you were trained to do.

Mission accomplished

Chloe and Nia both do well with their solos, although Jabby points out that Chloe was not spotting in the right direction for her turns.  But she covered it so she deems it okay.  She also thinks Nia did a nice job which we all know is high praise coming from Jabby (unless your name is Maddie).

Now it’s Kendall’s turn.  It’s immediately apparent that Kendall is not at the same level as the rest of Jabby’s girls.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like she’s atrocious or anything, but I know I was expecting a lot more from the girl that Jabby chose, so I’m surprised that she doesn’t seem up to snuff.  Leslie’s head must be exploding at home.

Did you see her?????  PUT MY KID IN THERE

Don’t worry, she wasn’t really there, but you just know she’d be shitting a brick if she was there right now.  Kelly agrees with me that Kendall is good, but no comparison to Chloe or Maddie.  Jabby knows some of it is nerves at work and says you could see in her face that the kid was nervous as hell.

Awards time.

Nia wins a fourth place performance award, Chloe wins first place overall for juniors, and Maddie wins first place overall for pre-juniors.  Kendall wins nothing.

They head back into the dressing room to get ready for the group dance and Jabby tells Kendall that she needs to watch her distended neck.  Sadly, Kendall does not come back by telling Jabby that she needs to watch her distended belly.

But she may have been thinking it

Naw, she probably doesn’t even know what distended means.  Jill approaches Jabby to try and get her thoughts on Kendall.  Jill is thinking that maybe she shouldn’t be on probation anymore.  She’ll be on probation for as long as Jabby wants her on probation.  Maybe if you make Jabby a styling jacket like yours, Jill.

Well, the dust ruffle was from a king size bed so I have plenty of fabric left.

No surprise, Jabby keeps Kendall on probation.  Kendall cries and Jabby catches her.  There’s no crying in dance!  NO CRYING.  Jabby tells her to suck it up and save it for her pillow at night.

Time for the group number.  It’s definitely not the best we’ve ever seen the girls dance; they did okay, but truth be told, they can dance a hell of a lot better than they just did.  Jabby and I are on the same page; she says they looked great, the dancing?  So-so.  In the end it doesn’t matter because they still win first place.

Why is Kendall up there?  She wasn’t even in that dance!

She shouldn’t have been up there getting an award for a dance she wasn’t a part of.  Rude!

Jabby says she guess cute still works in N.C., but was it good enough for her?  NO.  Is it ever going to be good enough for her?  Not bloody likely.  Hey, at least she’s honest, right?

In the dressing room she immediately gets on their case about the sloppiness of the dance.  Maybe she should have started with congratulations.  Or, better yet, let them enjoy the win today and go back to harping on mistakes and cleaning up the routine once you’re back at the studio.  Oh wait, you’d have to be keeping the same dance for the next competition in order to do that.  My bad.

She calls out Brooke for looking over at Chloe to see what to do, and tells Nia she was barely even dancing.  She says it’s gonna be back to the drawing board and learning a new number tomorrow.  Kelly is frustrated that Jabby keeps making them learn new dances every week and rightly calls out the fact that other studios do not do this.

Do I look like I give a shit?

She wants to know why she’s the only one who ever gets aggravated.  Because you’re the only one who has never had a kid, Kelly tells her.  No, but she had a mother and a father and if they looked at her ONE TIME she knew!  ONE LOOK!!!

Here’s a look for ya!

They get into it ONCE AGAIN.  Jabby tells Kelly to get a job and Kelly calls Jabby a whore.  Jill is shocked by this behavior.  She says her kid has never seen adults behave this way.  Well, get used it, Honey, this shit happens ALL the time ’round these parts.

Melissa confirms that this happens all the time and she warns Jill not to trust Christi or Kelly because they will stab her in the back.  But Melissa TOTALLY has her back.  HA!  Yeah, all the better to KNIFE HER IN IT!!!  You know Melissa’s gonna stab that bitch in the back at some point, right?

And that’s all she wrote, Gasmi.  We see clips of the upcoming season which entail Jabby yelling, Cathy being a crazy biatch, Jill wanting more for her kid, Leslie not going away, and Melissa crying.  No word on whether Christi and Kelly will be visiting any bars, but I know I’ll be pouring myself a hefty drink before viewing each week.

What did you think, Gasmi?  Are you happy to see Jabby and crew back again?  Still loving Nia?  Chloe?  What about Maddie?  Was anyone happy to see Cuckoo Cathy again?

I won’t be covering the show this season; between Once Upon a Time and the return of Survivor in February, my schedule wouldn’t allow for it.  Plus, you just know I’ll get all pissy about them competing in 843 national competitions and you’ll all be telling me to let it go and I so won’t because HELLO?  Do I ever???      No, seriously, I would have loved to do it again, but there’s no way that I can handle three shows at the same time.  Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, I need a clone.  Or five.

I got a puter!

Um, maybe not.  Anyway, I know Flipit is on the hunt for an awesome recapper for us, and I’m sure whoever he finds will knock this muther out!  Or Jabby out.  Either would be fabulous.  I for one can’t wait to read!

See you in the comments (and hopefully over at my other recaps)!

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

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