Previously on Dance Moms: Melissa had a meltdown over her secret engagement and threatened to sue the moms unless they stopped talking about her personal life, forcing the entire Internet to analyze her private life far more intensely than if she had just handled the situation like a normal person.
Jabby invites the girls to “join the party” so she can deconstruct last week’s competition in Chicago. She hails the group number as “beautiful,” praises Maddie for pulling off a win against Justice and yells at Nia for being a beat behind during the trio.
Pyramid: Chloe is last. Sad horns. Jabby says Chloe is one of her best dancers but she needs more from her. By putting her on the bottom, she is challenging her to rise to the next level. Challenge, demoralize, tomayto, tomahto.
No, really, last place means you’re good
Next is Nia, because she has “style and sass” but is missing all the rest, such as technique. Then Paige. Jabby wants more from her too. Kelly interviews that Paige wants more from Jabby and is sick of being a background dancer.
Second row is Mackenzie. Way to go, Mackenzie. Jabby says Mackenzie continues to improve each week, but she doesn’t want it to be all about the gymnastics. So give her something to do that isn’t gymnastics. Just sayin’. Next in line is Brooke. Jabby says her part in the group dance was “excellent” but she has to watch her chin stands and not get any more hickeys. Huh? From the floor? I have no idea.
On top, of course, we have Maddie. I like how in the first few episodes we were really supposed to believe that Maddie had fallen into an eternal pit of disgrace from which she would never crawl out. Like Jabby would ever let that happen.
This week they are going to Energy Dance in Michigan, where there will be a scout from Joffrey Ballet School. They need to do their best because he is scouting people to audition for the company. As many have pointed out, since when do you need to be scouted for what is actually an open audition? Only on this show, I guess.
The group number will be called Nip and Tuck and will be a message about body image and plastic surgery. So we go from homeless children to plastic surgery. Why does there always have to be a message? Can’t a dance ever just be a dance? Jabby says she chose this topic because the moms are always talking about getting “work” done. They could just look at Shrill as a cautionary tale.
Don’t let this happen to you
Jabby says she wasn’t going to use all the girls in the group, but changed her mind because they all suck and need the practice.
There will be TWO trios this week. The A-Team will be comprised of Brooke, Maddie and Chloe and it will be a contemporary number. Mackenzie, Nia and Paige will make up the B-Team and they will be doing a jazz number. Kelly interviews that Paige will be disappointed because it’s like a demotion. Remember, Paige is used to dancing with Maddie and Chloe. (At least when she’s not being thrown under the bus by Kendall.)
Christi interviews that it doesn’t seem fair to put the B-Team head-to-head against the A-Team since the A-Team will obviously be better. Okay, she doesn’t exactly say that, but that’s the gist of it.
Maddie and Chloe will be doing solos. Melissa interviews that she’s glad that Maddie has three dances, hence three chances for the Joffrey scout to fall in love with her and offer her an exclusive opportunity to be part of a cattle call.
Jabby says the good news is that there will be no Candy Apple’s present in Michigan. Good for her, maybe, but not good for us. Free Vivi! Jabby says Cathy’s apples are easy to beat, but the people in Michigan, not so much. She says that every week no matter where they go, so whatever.
In the booth of secret engagements and sordid entanglements, Christi asks why Chloe was last in the pyramid. She says both Chloe and Nia should have been in the middle, not the bottom. Melissa says she doesn’t know “why” Mackenzie was in the middle. Christi interviews, “Duh, maybe because you’re best friends with Abby.”
Holly hopes that Jab will give both trios equal time and attention, but she has a feeling one will be slapped together and the other will be “thoughtful.” Christi says she thinks Jabby has too much on her plate this week and it’s not fair that the girls will get blamed if they fail.
Christi asks why Chloe is “crawling around like she has no arms?” Because Jabby gave Maddie her arms this week, that’s why.
This week’s group dance is about lepers
Melissa interviews that she never worries about her girls understanding the dance concept. She says they know all about liposuction because she always talks about getting it. Ah, but do they understand the concept of threatening their friends with legal action for talking about their personal life on a reality TV show that they signed up for? That’s more abstract.
Kelly says she’s getting a boob job. She thought her husband would give her one for her 40th birthday along with a ring – ah now the whole thing she said last week about trying on Melissa’s secret invisible engagement ring makes sense – but since he didn’t come through, she’s going to get them for herself. Kelly interviews that she needs boobs to balance out her ass.
She tells the moms she used to have “nice Cs” but she lost them after nursing her three kids.
Kids ruin everything
She says she gave her husband three beautiful children so he should give her two boobs. I think that’s a reasonable exchange. Then she says if she likes the boobs, she’ll get her ass sucked out.
Christi says everyone wants her to get her nose done, but she wears it like a badge of honor.
I am not a Who
That’s the nose that she used to defeat Crazy Cathy in the “disco ball” fight, so she is right to be proud of it.
Christi says it’s good that none of the girls struggles with body image. That IS good, but there is still plenty of time.
The next day, Christi asks her iPhone how far it is to Highland, Michigan. Melissa jokes it’s 26 hours on a bus. Oh good god, they’re taking a bus to Michigan? That suuuucks. Turns out, it’s actually only about eight hours, but that’s still miserable. Eight hours on a bus with Jabby is like six weeks on Parris Island. (Any Billy Joel fans out there?)
The moms are still talking about the trios going up against each other, saying that the issue is “dividing families.” Yes, it’s the Bosnian conflict all over again. They say that Jabby should have done one trio this week and one next week. Because I’m sure no one would be complaining that their kid was left out of a trio this week had she done that.
Uh-oh! Nia twists her ankle. Holly runs down to get her. They go see a doctor who determines that Nia has a stress fracture. She can still dance if she tapes up her foot, but she won’t be able to any of her tricks.
Another foot picture! You’re welcome.
It’s too bad, because Nia wanted to show the Joffrey scout what she can do.
Back at the studio, Maddie is rehearsing her solo. Jabby interviews that it’s a darker piece than usual and it’s about someone “who hears voices in their head.” Because poor Maddie doesn’t have enough to worry about at home, let’s make her pretend to be a voice-hearing psycho. Jabby says that she hopes Maddie’s passion for dance lasts the rest of her life. Jabby says “she has” [circles her face dramatically] “…this.”
She adds that Maddie loves what she does and her emotions tell the story every time and it’s all in her face. Huh? Maddie always has the SAME look on her face when she dances. The only emotion I ever see is “terrified.”
Maddie’s done with rehearsal and Jabby hugs her.
She says if Maddie were getting paid, she’d be getting a raise. Well, that’s nice. At least someone is like a mother to Maddie.
Chloe rehearses and Jabby berates her. She interviews that Chloe has great “lines” and she’s a great dancer but she doesn’t give Jabby what she wants. Jabby says that Chloe wants to be a choreographer and make things up for herself. She says there’s lots of time for that, but now Chloe needs to do what Jabby tells her. She yells “Dance! Don’t be a stick figure!” Poor Chloe. If anyone expresses emotions in her dances it’s Chloe. Jabby is delusional.
She interviews that Chloe isn’t being focused today so she’s giving her a break, during which she will call Maddie in to perform her solo for the senior company. I call total BS on this. It’s edited weirdly, and I seriously don’t think that even Jabby is evil enough to STOP a rehearsal and ASSEMBLE the entire senior company just to make a point. That just doesn’t make sense. So nice try, show. Not buying it.
Even when Christi complains about it in a talking head, it still seems fake. We’ve seen Christi complain enough times to tell when it legitimate and when she’s “acting.” I think this time she is acting. (Or trying to, anyway.)
Maddie is performing for the older kids, who looked absolutely thrilled to be watching a 9-year-old.
We didn’t want to be on TV that badly
Christi makes a comment to the moms about Jabby putting all her eggs in one basket. Melissa responds, “ohh, okay.” Kelly says it seems like Jabby is trying to turn the kids against each other. Melissa: [Bitchface.]
Then Kelly says to Melissa “and you let her!” Christi asks Melissa why she never stands up for the other girls to Jabby, since they are friends. Melissa says she’s sick of the same crap over and over (as are we, Melissa, as are we). Christi and Kelly say THEY’RE sick of it happening over and over… meaning, I guess, Maddie getting all the attention and accolades while the other girls get nothing.
Melissa says she’ll go tell that to Jabby. Christi says no, then Jabby will feature Maddie in every group dance and she will win all the solos, get all the attention, the best choreography and all those private lessons.
Melissa yells at the moms to stop talking about her daughter. They say they are not talking about her daughter, they’re talking about her “enabling” the situation. Melissa asks if Christi and Kelly will stick up for Maddie when Jabby yells at her. Kelly says she’s sticks up for Maddie ALL THE TIME. Christi says she stands up for all the girls.
Maybe you should call your lawyer
Then Christi says Maddie doesn’t need her because Jabby’s so far in Melissa back pocket and Christi only stands up for kids who need it. They keep yelling more of the same until Melissa gets mad and goes down to tattle to Jabby again.
They’re doing it again!
Christi comes down and sticks her head in the door to tell Melissa they weren’t done talking to her and why doesn’t she come back and discuss it like an adult instead of hiding behind Jabby.
Melissa says she’s not hiding and I think she tells them to “bite my ass” but it was bleeped. Hahahaha. Anyway, they are still yelling and I’ve stopped paying attention. Melissa says she’ll make arrangements for Maddie to get home and then she storms out again.
Okay, who had 9:26 PM in the pool?
I guess I sort of get why she’s so touchy if she’s dealing with a lot of personal crap, but she keeps giving Christi and Kelly fuel for their fire. Why not just ignore them and refuse to engage? I don’t know.
Next day and Holly, Christi and Kelly meet for lunch. Kelly says the thought of Jabby staying up all night to come up with the crazy themes for the dances is funny. Then they complain some more about Melissa and Jabby’s favoritism and it’s nothing we haven’t heard 90 million times before.
Screw Jabby, let’s do shots
Christi mentions that Melissa always plays the nice card, but she’s the sneakiest of all by taking producers out for coffee and sending letters from attorneys, etc.
They are on the bus to Michigan and Jabby screams at the bus driver to stop at her house and pick up her dog. Bus Driver Jim (he’s back!) says he can’t deviate from the route.
My party, my rules
Jabby screams that she’s the boss and in charge, but Jim won’t have it. He says he’s the captain of this ship and she can pretty much suck it. The moms are happy that Jim put Jabby in her place, but I miss Broadway Baby. Would it really hurt anyone if he made an appearance?
Meanwhile, Melissa seems to have forgotten about yesterday’s fight, because she bought Kelly what looks like a Wonder Bra.
Thanks. I’m sorry we called you a sneaky bitch.
Christi says is “typical” that one day Melissa is swearing she won’t ever come back and the next day, she’s handing out gifts. Christi calls her “wackadoodledoo.”
Competition day. In the green room, Jabby says Maddie is prancing around in a “frenetic” state and she needs to calm down. Melissa accidentally sticks Maddie with a pin while fixing her costume and everyone freaks out, Jabby most of all. That (non) crisis is averted and Maddie goes on stage for her solo. I feel like she always looks like she woke up somewhere and doesn’t know how she got there.
Mackenzie interviews that she loves watching her big sister dance. She says she’s not as good as Maddie yet, but she’s working on it. Ha. Love her. Jab says Maddie has the entire audience in the palm of her hand. She makes that weird “circle face” gesture again and again talks about how much Maddie loves to dance.
Next up is the A-Team trio of Brooke, Maddie and Chloe.
They do really well, but I am still distracted by Maddie’s face. Jabby calls the trio “beautiful, elegant and feminine.” She says they nailed it.
Nia is icing her foot in the green room, hoping it won’t hurt. Remember how Nia hurt her foot three yelling matches ago? The B-Team trio dances and I think that Paige is the best of them.
Mackenzie is cute but kind of awkward, like a puppy. Nia is good too, but I agree that she tends to be a little sloppy. They aren’t really in sync at all. Nia interviews that once she hit the stage, she didn’t think about her foot at all.
Jabby says there was no conflict of interest at all with trios and she doesn’t know what everyone was bitching about.
In the green room, Jabby is either torturing Brooke or stretching her.
This is what happens to little girls who don’t listen
Holly asks if Jabby has any feedback for Nia. Jab says she did well, just has to watch her back foot. Holly presses her for more, and Jabby’s all “why are they bugging me about a two-minute dance?” Because the other girls aren’t Maddie, but they are people too. Holly says it’s incredibly frustrating that Nia came back from an injury and Jabby didn’t even acknowledge it.
Chloe is practicing her solo, but she keeps forgetting one part. Jabby makes her go over it a few times, but she still falters on stage. She manages to get back on track and keep dancing.
When she’s done, Jabby praises her for continuing on. Of course Jabby has to make a dig at Nia for running off the stage when she froze up in Miami. Holly says there were extenuating circumstances and that it’s unnecessary for Jabby to comment on that.
They practice the group dance in the green room and Holly says it’s obvious they didn’t have enough time to learn it. Jabby says they are under intense pressure because the Joffrey guy is looking for “real” dancers. They go on stage for the group number and it’s fine.
Implied nudity is okay as long as there are no feathers
I don’t see Mackenzie in there. Didn’t Jabby say she was putting them all in the number? Did I miss something?
After, Jabby says they did a great job, but she’s more concerned about the Joffrey Scout.
Awards. Maddie gets first in the Junior Division for her solo. Chloe did not place (at least not according to the show) but Christi says she hopes Chloe learned from the experience. The A-Team trio wins, but the B-Team trio doesn’t place. Jabby says something like it’s because the A-Team didn’t have a 7-year-old with them. Kelly says she’s torn. She’s happy for Brooke, but sorry for Paige. Families torn apart!
The group does not place and Jabby screams at them that they have to start working together or they will never win and they will die alone and be eaten by cats. Or something.
Joffrey Man comes in to the green room to “invite” them to NYC for the open audition.
So yeah, it’ll just be you guys and 19,994 others
Jabby says this is “Big time” and “intense.” She says 20,000 people a year audition for Joffrey so it’s a huge honor. Really? Doesn’t that make it less of an honor? Anyway, Jabby says that the bottom line is, her girls have undeniable talent.
Next week: Start spreading the news… they go to NYC for the audition and also compete at Starbound; there is some kind of shoe crisis; Cathy makes an appearance; Maddie cries and so does Jabby.
I’m just so happy to be here
Also it’s the finale! So rest up, Gasmii, it’ll be Jabtastic.
As always, thanks for reading and have a great weekend!
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