Ever wonder what Diddy Bitch does when she’s NOT busy cultivating too-small-to-fail pop tarts? Me neither! But we have to find out anyway … sigh … Laurieann appears in the ever-classy hotel bathrobe/furry Uggs/head scarf ensemble. She is dragging Richy down some stairs toward his watery doom in some unidentified basement pool. It just occurred to me – even though I’ve watched this scene four times now – that this pool may actually be in some swanky boutique hotel. That would explain Laurieann’s bathrobe, but not her Forever 21 bathing suit. As a frequent hotel visitor, I should recognize a hotel on television. On the other hand, since my idea of a “nice hotel” is the Embassy Suites, I am very ignorant when it comes to high-class temporary digs.
Richy tells us “I’m black, I don’t swim.” Don’t use your race as an excuse, dude. Mr. President would be very angry with you!
Try swimming with a lit cigarette … then you can complain.
Richy’s first swim lesson is “mildly amusing”, which is exactly how I picture Two and a Half Men will be without Charlie Sheen. He doesn’t freak out very much in the water, so those of us who have witnessed first swim lessons before know that Richy has obviously already gotten used to the water.
The typical first swimming lesson.
Richy tells us, “This is not the way I thought I was going to die.” I know he thought he’d bleed out on Laurieann’s office floor after she hit him over the head multiple times with her first and last MTV Moon Man. He runs away at the end of the lesson shouting, “I’m freezing my balls off!” Two things: 1) NO RUNNING BY THE POOL!!!, and 2) Your balls have been gone since 1990, Richy.
Aaaaah, group massage at the spa. The Gloommates are all having massages in the same room. This would be a much better scene if the girls stopped speaking. On the other hand, the masseuses look like interesting people and I would love to hear what they have to say. I think these masseuses deserve their own spin-off, but they can’t get a word in edgewise over the chitchat. One of them KNEELS on Paulandroid’s ass cheeks. I must be going to the wrong spas!!! The masseuses are also wearing the most interesting spa uniforms I’ve ever seen. They’re the go-go version of veterinarian clinic scrubs. Anyway, back to Paulandroid’s boring love life. She apparently “dated” someone for five and a half years without ever going on a real date with him. How is that possible? Actually, we don’t care. But now we know why you want to bat for the other team. On a side note, Paula really is gorgeous. Instead of signing up for match.com, which would make this show much more fun to watch, she allows K-cup to hook her up with someone for a blind date. Ruh-roh!
You’re better off eating hamburgers. They won’t break your heart or ruin your orgasm.
We DO find out, both in her interview and single entendré comments to PLR and Kryington, that Paulandroid is a serious horndog and needs a fuck buddy more than Governor Schwarzenegger (too soon?).
Sadly, Seacrest couldn’t come up with enough fresh meat for Laurieann so we have to re-visit Missy Modell with her. As Gasmi Lizbot (holla!) let us all know, Missy declares on her website that she is “certainly not a one-dimensional pop artist.” I wholeheartedly agree … there is nothing artistic about you at all, Missy, which is why Diddy Bitch can recreate you in her own image. Laurieann brings Missy to a small venue where she will showcase Missy’s “talent” for an A&R rep from Universal Records and anyone else who will take the free tickets. Laurieann tells us that when she first met Missy in New York, Missy was hopeful and so pure and the music industry needs that purity. Has “purity” ever worked out as a platform for any performer? I THINK Britney was pretty pure when she started, and so was everyone’s favorite fire crotch/coke head/about-to-go-to prison/kleptomaniac. But let’s go with the talent over purity option, k? It’s worked for Gaga and (sort-of) Xtina. Those girls may not be allowed in a church, but they can sing and perform their asses off.
The Voice (of an angel)
Anyway, back to Laurieann’s old charity case. She’s brought Missy to The Highlands a few days early so Missy can picture herself on the small stage and pretend she’s at Madison Square “Gardens” instead. If we’re going to visualize, let’s not butcher the name of the venue we are picturing. Laurieann is bringing in Chris Anokute, an A&R rep for Universal/Motown, who discovered Katy Perry and is a “visionary”.
Her boobs She will be a star!
Missy tells us, as modestly as a church mouse, that “my message is so much bigger than me … so I want to do it on as big a level as possible”. Guess Laurieann’s arrogance positivity did rub off on you, Missy. Diddy Bitch keeps referring to Madison Square “Gardens” and then leaves Missy hanging when Missy tries to give her a high-five. Nothing says “supportive” like terrible grammar and not giving out high-fives.
Madisons Squares Gardens, I present my newest White Girl Extraordinaire!
We learn the extent of Paula’s pathetic night life as we cut to her begging Sarah to play board games or “Jim Rummy” with her. It could be worse, Paula. You could have a douchebag ex who stands you up at premieres and dumps you at the drop of a hat. Speak of the devil … it’s Ex-Paul Jr. calling Sarah. I say again, wasn’t she going to block his number? He hems and haws his way through an explanation when she DEMANDS TO KNOW kindly asks him why he ditched her at the premiere. Apparently, he had to work that night instead to pay the bills (all those baby mamas are such bitches about paying for diapers and formula!) and couldn’t text her to let her know he wouldn’t be coming. But that’s not important to Paul, he just wants to know when she’s next available for boning. Sarah tells him that won’t be happening anytime in the near future, so he suddenly remembers more “work” he has to do and hangs up.
I gots hookers to do and places to go!
PLR and Kryington take Paulandroid to a store named “Bleu” (“Sale – 50% – 75% off!”) to buy an outfit for her blind date. I LOVE the clothes she tries on, but I am pretty classy, what with my daily Wal-Mart trips and all. I don’t think those clothes would be as cute on me, since I outweigh Paula by fifty pounds, but I’m going to look up the store online just in case they sell clothes in “real women” sizes. In case you were wondering: Bleu DOES have a website, and I fit into “Large” clothes from their store, but the prices are a little out-of-whack with my Embassy Suite fundage, so I’ll just have live vicariously through Paulandroid and her pirouette fashion show. True to oblivious form, The Gloommates pick out the only tacky outfit Paula tried on to wear on her date.
Back at the Boom Kack Cave, K-cup is wicked excited because Laurieann’s actually letting her backup dance for “Miss Modell”. Hey, Kryington? You’re 20 years old, she’s 24. She hasn’t lived long enough nor built any type of career that would warrant a “Miss Modell” title from you. Just call her “Missy”, or alternatively, “Disillusioned Whore”, like I do. Richy’s choreographing this train wreck and guess whom he invited on board, much to Sarah’s indignant surprise? Robert Paul Kirkland, familiarly known as Ex-Paul, Jr. I finally did some internet research on this guy and I was NOT SORRY. He’s been around the block a few times, to include dancing on the Glee Britney episode. Here’s proof:
That’s him on the left: he picked up this role after the Cowardly Lion audition went south.
The worst part about this photo: I found it on a facebook page created by Paul “admirers”. The page has EIGHTY-THREE members (Paul is not one of them)! Can you believe it? And 75% of the members are gay guys. I thought gay guys had better taste.
Laurieann has somehow convinced Joe Wilson to commit professional suicide enhance his reputation by “musically directing” the Missy Modell Showcase of Karoake. The power of the vagina!!! Although withholding sweet, sweet nooky probably didn’t work in this case. Maybe she said she’d by him a new Louis bag if he did her this one solid?
This better be one sick purse, bitch.
Anyway, back to rehearsal in the Dance Studio of Love, where Richy has brought in Ex-Paul Jr. to backup dance for Missy. Sarah believes Richy and Paul double-teamed to make her life miserable, but I think she forgot that Paul needs to pay those diaper bills somehow. Plus he gives Missy a great big hug and I think he finds her fuckable, so Sarah may be off the hook.
As the rehearsal goes on, Sarah breaks down mentally, especially after Dicky the Sadist pairs them up to backup dance as a couple. Richy yells at Sarah because she’s dancing like she’s in a Jane Fonda video. See, this is why I’m not a choreographer … because I don’t see the difference between an “aerobics” shoulder movement and a “hip-hop” shoulder movement. Richy says he can’t let Sarah make him OR Missy look bad. Do you really need help in that area? Missy is trying to sing and dance and change the world, and YOU tried to learn to swim 15 minutes ago. Don’t drag Sarah into your suckage. Richy dramatically throws himself on the studio floor, and chastises Sarah in the Office of Criticism after the rehearsal. He threatens to drop her from the showcase and generally speaks unkindly to her. After Sarah drops the required number of tears into the Unholy Grail, Richy lets her leave.
Cry, white girl, cry!
Paula goes out on her blind date with Caucasian Rob, an unemployed “funny” guy with nice teeth and a 2000 Jeep Cherokee who takes Paula to play pool. It’s a cringe-worthy segment, and that’s saying a lot, since I thought I was immune to cringing by the sixth episode of this buffet of steaming shit. Paula’s five year plan: “own a home”. Rob’s five year plan: “get a job, own a sports team”. Paula is very sad she won’t be getting laid, but it’s hard to be attracted both unemployment AND obliviousness. Most of us are just stuck with one or the other in our sexual partners.
At dress rehearsal/sound check for the showcase, all the backup dancers are getting on Richy’s last nerve. He asks his stable of Lycra and high-top clad dancers, “Is everyone is on Erf today?” No, Richy, we’re on “Earth”. Speech impediments are soooo ‘90’s. Richy and Sarah imply in interviews that if they don’t do well in the showcase, Laurieann will fire them. Keep your chins up, you two, I’m sure Laurieann will be so blinded by Missy’s talent this evening that she won’t notice your dancing and choreographing skills, or lack thereof.
Any lifeguard job openings?
Unfortunately for everyone connected to Laurieann in the room, including Joe Wilson, who has shown up to make sure the track’s playing loud enough to drown out Missy’s live vocals, Chris Anokute has shown up early and is watching Missy butcher her own song. When Laurieann waltzes in, Joe gives her the bad news and walks her over to Chris for his take on Missy. After Diddy Bitch tells Chris to “give me 110” (percent of your truthful perspective, I’m assuming), Chris compares Missy’s performance to karaoke and all kinds of hell shoot from Laurieann’s mouth and eyes. She respectfully disagrees with Chris, saying “We don’t need everyone to be the baddest bitch in the room” and “I’m saying, as an artistic person who has birthed superstars, she is at the beginning”. Well, you’ve convinced me, Laurieann. Chris, however, needs additional proof of these statements, so Joe brings up the fact that he passed on Gaga when Laurieann gave him the opportunity to sign her a few years ago. Chris starts to protest (and wouldn’t we all?), but Laurieann PUTS HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH and tells him to just listen to Joe. I would have walked out right then, but Chris can’t help but stay so that this show can be even more boring than it has to be.
It’s time to perform … Laurieann gives Missy the standard hug-and-pep-talk model she follows with every one of her “children”, throwing in another reference to Madison Square “Gardens”, just to piss me off. Missy’s presence impresses everyone in the room, but it’s unclear whether it’s the performance or the kick-ass Doc Martens, black biker shorts, chain mail tank top and jean shirt combo to which the audience responds. Post-performance, Laurieann meets Kryington’s parents for the first time which was even more boring than this sentence, if you can imagine it.
I’m the bitch your mother warned you about.
To cap off this fantastic night, we see Sarah consent to go out on a dinner date with Paul after the showcase. Perhaps all of her defenses are down since she “left it all out there on the stage” (but I want to know if her toes were bleeding) and she doesn’t have the energy to protest. I’ll give her a pass on this one since her alternative love life probably flashed before her eyes when she saw Paula with her AMAZING blind date. See you next week, when K-cup may get some Brit ball sac to the face since they’re going to London to whip Six-D into shape!