Dance Wars: Little Drew’s Big Night

Well friends, this is it, time to say goodbye to our favorite delusional little bastards. It’s been a sometimes entertaining, always hokey, never respectable ride, and tonight, we go off into the sunset in a way only this disaster called DANCE WAR can. On our two hour extravaganza, we watch a ton of stock footage from past episodes!!!! And listen to Kenny Mayne try his damndest to be an endearing sellout!!!! And Drew Lachey dances????????

Time to show these chickenheads a thing or two.

After going over his usual shpiel and making the special announcement that he’d be performing in 20 minutes, Lachey swings it over to Kenny Mayne at the DanceCenter studios. Next to him are walking science experiment Lisa Rinna and tacky shirt collector Jerry Rice. This terrible trio is here to announce who the next cast is for flagship show Dancing With the Stars, so get that imdb/wikipedia on standby. Also, it looks like Kenny must’ve borrowed one of Jerry’s tacky shirts and Lisa’s scar tissue cover-up, because, well look at him.

Crossdressing has never been funnier. (cricket)

Lachey then sends us to our recap of the entire tryout process and how we narrowed it down to our first 14 contestants. Carrie Ann says that when they performed “Hold On, woohoo…that was so hot.” She starts to fan herself in the process, which brings some weird Mary Kay Letourneau vibe with it. Don’t ask me why. I can just see Bradley as her Vili Fualaau for some reason though.

Book club suggestion?

They then get into the fact that Bruno and Carrie Ann are competing, all the while over dramatizing any conflict betwen the two. Carrie Ann talks about how impressed she was with Team Bruno’s first number, “Rubbernekin’” and how she underestimated Bruno. They also talk about Chris’ microphone breaking in the middle of a performance for the millionth time, because that’s one of the most interesting things that happened all season. Temptation Island it ain’t.

One of the dances we revisit is Team Carrie Ann’s version of “Call Me”. In flash backs, Bruno says the boys could be “slicker with the choreography. If you do something that simple…come on, make it slick.” If I were mature, I wouldn’t write that substituting “fellatio” for “choreography” in Bruno’s quote is funny. Cause it is.

I disagree. I take fellatio very seriously!

Bruno says the fight really started back when his team had an Asian themed performance of “S.O.S.” which Carrie Ann criticized by calling the team a “chorus.” Bruno responded with a Little John impersonation which I can only do service to by putting the video up. Rest assured, it was an instant Dance War classic when it happened and I would think, an instant Bruno one as well.

10 seconds later, he exploded.

They then take us to commercial with Bruno saying “We are in it to win it,” and Carrie Ann saying “You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk.” Bruno and Carrie Ann don’t speak so much in words as they do in cliches. Coming back from the break, we revisit Motown week. For Aretha’s “Think”, Lacey was front and center, but Carrie Ann felt it wasn’t a very good way to represent the group, further infuriating Bruno. He gets his digs in to Carrie Ann though, by saying (what she felt was) her team’s best performance, Papa Was a Rolling Stone, didn’t have enough dancing. “It’s called Dance War,” he says. “Dance.”

Country week was next and Carrie ann says Devil Went Down to Georgia was a tough number for them. She said they had to mix a little “Clint Eastwood and Michael Jackson…and a little bit of branding…a little bit of hee haw.” If anyone is unclear about what exactly she’s talking about, my best guess for what “Hee Haw” is is this:

Maybe it’s a little more Michael Jackson.

After Team Carrie Ann won once again, and Tony followed Charity out the door, we had Latin week. Carrie Ann felt her team set the stage on fire with the song “Conga”, and Bruno said it was great because there was no gimmick, no handkerchief, no suitcases – exactly what he’s looking for in a man. “I praise you for it,” Bruno says. “I Had a great time.” I swear he makes it so easy on me.

Team Carrie Ann’s one gimmicky performance, however was “I need to Know”. Bruno hated this number, saying “14 bars of funning around fences is just covering up for it.” Carrie Ann, feeling overdefensive and therefore dangerously veering into bullshit, says that it’s “all about mixing streets and salsa together and i don’t think he gets it because he doesn’t know the streets too well.” Clearly, she’s been trolling the streets of Tokyo to get a feel for latin music. Carrie Ann does however, to her credit, call Bruno out for being a hypocrite. He accusses her team of gimmicks, and then his team comes out on boxes and hands out glowsticks for their song “Wind Up”. Despite the gimmick, however, she was sold and felt that Team bruno “geneerated a pop star persona on stage.” Also, I just noticed how butch Kelsey looked when Carrie Ann complimented their performance. I’m into it though.

Toss me Around, I don’t care.

So after Alyssa left during last week’s latin themed extravaganza, we’re now left with our current situation – one team of five versus another team of four. Lachey then takes us to break, but as he departs he tells viewers that “coming up, my personal nightmare comes to life” at which poitn I’m hoping he simply stops and leaves it at that. But no, he has to ruin it and says, “as I take the stage with 9 very talented, younger, and better looking performers….who wrote that (high pitched voice)?!”

Master of comedic timing

We come back for the big Lachey and Co. performance, which is the big band number “Steppin’ Out”. I’m sure it’s the training/years of being groped by Lou Perelman (or whoever was managing 96 Degrees), but Lachey is heads and tails above these young kids. He’s got a good voice, and it’s highlighted by some cracked voice singing from Zack and Chris. Still, the tuxedo really makes him look like a stupid penguin especially when he does this:

He’s got Happy feet because this gig is almost over

Bruno and Carie Ann come out and Bruno is channeling Fosse. He does a pirouette and stabs those jazz hands out to the camera. He comes out saying his team is talented, but that ultimately, “America, it’s up to you…thank you anyway.” That doesn’t sound very optimistic, but let’s just go with his body language – maybe that’s more indicative of how he feels.

And I’m feeling frisky.

We cut to a clipreel of last week’s backstage shenanigans after Team Bruno won. They’re incredibly pumped, with Kelsey going so far as to emote. Their reward is a day at the pool, which isn’t exactly the spa but hey, at least it’s something. Kesley says that if that’s the life of a star, she could definitely get used to it. I gues it depends on what kind of star you want to be – you could either go to the pool all day or drive around Los Angeles gas stations in a meth feuled haze, trolling for some paparazzo cock.

If this is her on straight endorphins, imagine what meth could do!

This week, both teams will be redoing their best performances for one number, and then having a performance for each one’s new single. The single is available on abc.com if anyone wants to have something to listen to while crying/masturbating/both at the same time. The oldie that team Bruno is redoing is Boots are Made for Walking, because Team Bruno is “even better now.” Zach feels that Bruno is much more critical of them this week. Lacey agrees, but realizes the importance of getting it right. She says that to get so close to her dream and have it be shattered would be “De-Vuh-Statin’!”

The performance is basically the same thing as last time – an opportunity for the world to stare at Kelsey’s ass. To which the heterosexual men watching this show (all 20 of us) thank you. Although they do have the same awkward “walk it out” interruption, it is in all seirousness, a good performance. Especially without Tony cockblocking it. Bruno says nice things to all his teammembers, ending up with Philip to whom he says, “You’re a natural. You can do what you can.”

“Thanks?”

Carrie Ann says everyone is a winner, but specifically points out Kesley. She notes that when Kelsey entered the competition she wanted to be like Jessica Simpson, but that now “Jessica Simpson’s got nothing on you girl.” I wonder if Lachey chuckled off camera. Speaking of Lachey, he then interviews Kelsey turning this into the Kelsey show, but in all honesty I think if anyone is gonna get a career out of this it’ll be her. How hard can it be to make a country album? You know Wal-Mart would eat that shit up.

Red states = many Wal Marts = lots of patriotism = Kelsey

Team Carrie Ann took the loss of Alyssa hard last week and so did she. I feel so bad for her – she says “so close” in such a sad little voice as she’s bawling. Did Bradley seriously have to stay? Carrie Ann and her goddamn May December romances. Anyways, Chris tries to feign being upset about Alyssa saying “I just got close to her.” But you know he’s thinking “I’m glad it’s not me.” Carrie Ann tells them that this week they’ll be doing Papa was a rolling Stone again. On one on one camera time, Carrie Ann asserts that Team Carrie Ann IS the next supergroup. Qis says they’re ready to take that record contract and run. They seem awfully cocky – i smell upset!!!

They do a typical run through of the team pre performance and for this one I like how Elizabeth looks like she’s trying to fuck me into buying some software or a copier from her. Or is that just me?

Geek Squad!

There isn’t much difference between this performance and the first time they did it except that this time they look more out of sync. Carrie Ann says that number makes her so happy but then she loses coherence and licks her teeth like she just ate a bunch of contraband cause the Temptations get her in the mood for that. So, maybe it’s not the number that makes her happy. Bruno notes that Elizabeth really works that camera, which I’m sure will be useful when we see a sex tape in 8 months when she’s irrelevant. Lachey asks what the best part about everything has been for Elizabeth and she says it’s the friendships (yawn).

For Carrie Ann, however, it was clearly the coke

We come back from commercial to Dancecenter where Lisa Rinna’s face is falling and she looks really hungry for embroys. Kenny Mayne was definitely joking with the makeup, as it’s clear he’s going for a David Bowie/Tim Curry androgynous look. It kinda works. That being said, they’re back to announce the first three contestants on Dancing With the Stars, and we start with an Oscar winning actress who isn’t ignoring you, she’s just deaf! Marlee Matlin is the first announced star, and Kenny Mayne quips that she won’t have to listen to Bruno.

I don’t even know what a stupid Italian accent sounds like

The next star announced is Penn Gilette, one half of magician duo Penn and Teller. Kenny Mayne calls it courageous that he’s coming back after the tiger incident, but Lisa Rinna doesn’t exactly understand sarcasm and tries to correct Kenny. Jerry Rice is concerned in Penn’s large stature as he’s really going to have to be fit to participate, but I’m more optimistic that he’ll do a magic trick in the middle of the number, and make Samantha Harris’ clothes disappear.

Abracada, milf boobies!

Our last star is Marisa Janet Winokur, Tony winner for Hairspray and typical chubby girl in a number of films. Although, in her headshot she looks like she’s lost some lbs, so maybe she’ll be slim when she comes back. Although, to be honest, the best thing about her was that she was a chubby girl who could move – for some reason that visual is captivating. Jerry Rice also makes mention of the fact that she’s shorter than Drew Lachey and that’s saying something.

Dance piggy dan…wait, are you kind of hot now?

Lachey comes back with the Dancing with the Stars trophy to rub it in Jerry’s face, saying it’s making his arm tired. But all it does is prove Jerry’s point by showing what a little man poor Drew Lachey is.

Seriously, this thing is getting heavy

Team Bruno is really psyched as they’re getting ready to record their first song, called “Falling in Love.” Everyone is really excited about the idea of being on an album, but in all honesty, it sounds like something on the Backstreet Boys scrap heap circa 2001. They talk about each person on the team and how they’ve all grown and surprised themselves. The team gets together to listen to the single and Kelsey says that she couldn’t recognize her voice, but take one look at Paula Abdul, and you’ll see that with enough tinkering, anyone can be a “singer”. Bruno, ever the lover of hyperbole, thinks the song could rocket them to “superstardom.”

We’re about to make up our own minds, as Team Bruno performs their first single. Philip starts off the song by playing hype man, but his voice cracks and he just sounds like a honkey. See for yourself.

Kelsey looks amazing, but doesn’t do much but dance, Lacey disappears into the background, and Zack has a couple of moments where he works the crowd. All in all, it’s definitely NOT a good song, however it is catchy and who knows – could these people actually sell records? Bush’s been in office for 8 years, Donald Trump has a TV Show, and Criminal Minds is a ratings giant – with America anything is possible.

Even for these derelicts.

Bruno thinks the group really stood out on their own tonight, and then goes on a Bruno rant staring with, “Sexy Zack…LLaaaaayyy….the girls..” Carrie Ann says some bland things about how they’re awesome, etc, and we move on to Kenny Mayne and Dancecenter. It’s time now to learn who the next three contestants on dancing with the stars will be and boy are they really scrapin’ the bottom of the barrel.

Adam Corolla manged to squeeze one last favor out of Jimmy Kimmel and got on to this season of Dancing with the Stars. However he ends up doing, no doubt he’ll gross his partner out with some terrible poop jokes, and end up charming all men whose wives force them to watch.

We should consider ourselves lucky – it could’ve been Carlos Mencia.

Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Albertville winter olympics figure skating gold medalist, is next and we’re lucky to have her. It’s hard to get someone like her to take time off of…um, being Kristi Yamaguchi. Kenny makes a knowingly lame joke about how she’s gonna tear up the dance floor with her skates, but the glitter and eyeliner add that extra joke oomph. The consensus ultimately is that Yamaguchi is the frontrunner, which means we’ll have to put up with her again for two months after the show is over.

Goodbye Albertville, hello Brunoworld.

Our next contestant is Christian De La Fuente(?). Mayne says his occupation is “good looking” and he’s a Chilean Air Force pilot. Lisa Rinna, her hand on the pulse of latin culture, says he’s a huge star in Latin America. This dude is clearly looking to enter the US market, but on Dancing with the Stars? Doesn’t Cane have a bit part you can play in? Or the bachelor (at least he’d get laid)?

Me gusta bailer mas que me gusta chichar!

Monica Seles is coming on the show to prove that she doesn’t suffer from agoraphobia even after that knife incident. Kenny asks if tennis grunting will be a stronger play in latin or in ballroom, but I’ll go with the tango. A grunt instead of stomping the feet will play much better in the US markets.

I’m global baby

Mario, who’s face is made entirely of eyebrows and nostrils, is our next performer. He’s an R&B singer and Lisa thinks he’s sooo cute. “Oooh he’s got moves,” she says, all crackerly – “He can hip hop dance”. Jerry reminds her of Master P., but I don’t think “Make ‘Em say Uhhh” is exactly a dance number. Monica Seles might like it though.

“Kanye let me wash his car once!”

Steve Guttenberg is our next celebrity, and this one I’m genuinely stoked about. i’m really hoping for a comeback, because if it can happen for Howie Mandel why not this guy? He also has the funniest “key statistics” – 1) Grossed over $712M at box office (?!Guttenberg!?) 2) Terrified of dancing. Oh Goots, your charming even in your key stats!

Now all we need is Ally Sheedy, Fisher Stevens and Johnny 5 and we got ourselves a show!

Looks like Charity, Alyssa, and Tony managed to make it to the barmitzvah with Lachey this time. He asks them about what’s it like to watch the show after they’ve been kicked off, but they say some non scandalous, supportive bs about their teams. One thing we do know is that either Tony/Charity or Lacy is going to be pre-ty smug at the end of the night, since they can say kicking them off is the reason the team lost.

Smug City.

Team Carrie Ann gets ready to record their first single, “Come With It” and everyone on the team is stoked. The stoked might be turning into cocky, however, as Carrie Ann says that they’re scattered in rehearsals because the voting is over, but that they should have some persepctive as they’re debuting their new single. She then goes one by one talking about how great it was to work with them all.

The first week bradley lost all his confidence and had to struggle to find his way back, but whoever is feeding him this confidence may want to cut back the dosage. I think Bradley is taken in better with a little humility. She also says that mariela nd Elizabeth have become singer/dancers as opposed to just singers, and that Qis and Chris have come into their own shell. Bradley does his obnoxious eye roll thing and says if they’re broken up it’ll be devastating, but I’m hoping the momentum is still rolling in Team Bruno’s way.

I can’t take any more of this guy, even if it is fleeting.

Team Carrie Ann performs their song and it’snot quite as catchy as Team Bruno’s. It looks more like a number from High School Musical 18 or whatever version is out nowadays. Carrie Ann is superproud and interrupts Lachey to go hug them, but Bruno points out Chris and says that he nailed it tonight. He responds by shaking his hands in the air like a baby, or like a girl who just won prom queen.

I’d like to thank Krissy who did my hair, and Kenny Mayne who went with me to the Clinique booth at the mall Macy’s for a free makeup job!

It’s time for the last three stars of Dancing With the Stars and we start with Jason Taylor, lineman for the Miami Dolphins. Kenny asks Lisa if he’s the most handosme NFL player they’ve ever had, and she says the he is “by far the most goregeous” to which Kenny adds, “compared to those mongrels.” Jerry Rice meanwhile plans to kick his ass after the show.

When Tiki Barber has an exclusive contract with NBC, you go to plan B

The next star is Shannon Elizabeth and if you can believe it American Pie was 9 years ago. Kenny Mayne goes over her stats and when he mentions that she’s 34 years old, he says, “wow, she’s getting up there.” Oh you charming sellout! Nowadays, Elizabeth plays a lot of poker and cashes in on appearances from a 9 year old role. Hope this restarts your acting career, Shannon. Maybe you can get a role on a CW show.

One Tree Hill hired K-Fed, so you know their standards have to be low

The final star is Priscilla Presley!!!! Well for those true blue Rock and Roll enthusiasts, I’m sure this is the equivalent of priscilla taking a big dump on Elvis’ grave. That being said, this show needs another Marie Osmond, and knowing Priscilla’s history with painkillers, an on-air faint is totally within the realm of possibility.

“Pharmacy bills ain’t cheap”

Lachey asks Bruno and Carrie Ann’s thoughts on the new stars, and Bruno seems to be looking forward to the stable of men coming up. He asks if anyone noticed that all the contestants have “huge feet. I hope they can use it well, I’ll tell you that.” With that in mind, Team Bruno and Team Carrie Ann’s stable of performers come out for a big all group dance number. The divas Lacey and Mariel start off solo, like Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Holliday battling it out. The song is, appropriately, “One Night Only.”

It’s a nicely produced way to finish up the number, except for one distracting caveat. Zack and Bradley clash in the center of the stage to see who looks the gayest. Bradley, in the silver shirt and sleeveless jacket would win on almost any occassion, but Zack’s gold lame ensemble has to be the gayest thing ever made.

Well, next to Bradley of course

Before we announce our winners, we have a quick clip reel of what Team Bruno’s assets are and what Team Carrie Ann’s are. Team Bruno has talent and Phil and Zack can do things on the dance floor that Chris admits, “Qis and I can never do.” But, Qis points out, Team Bruno is boring (true). Team Carrie Ann’s asset is excitement. Zack isn’t so convinced. He says they use lots of smoke and mirrors. Mariel calls it controlled craziness, however, saying it’s fun to watch. Lacey, in her best moment all year (way to end it on a high note, gal) says they’re just “cute” but not much else. Zack admmits, however, that Team Carrie Ann does have another asset, chemistry. Both teams ultimately feel they deserve to win, but there can only be one winner.

After a bunch of talk about feelings and happiness, from Bruno and Carrie Ann we find out who won this crapfest and will be getting a deal from Hollywood Records – TEAM BRUNO. The winners’ family members are pumped and Bruno starts rolling around on stage like a crazy person saying “Thank you!”

Uh oh, he’s having another episode

Carrie Ann is taking it surprisingly well, and says that her team has great things coming to it. Alyssa meanwhile, sits smugly in the corner. I always knew I liked her. Readers, it was fun…well, cheesy fun, but fun nonetheless. Oh, and if you liked me making fun of Bruno’s Italian accent jokes, then I hope you’ll watch That’s Amore on MTV and read tvgasm’s recaps, because that’s where you’ll be seeing Hayhor next. Until then readers!

Arrivederci!