Dance Wars: Project Gymboree!

Our contestants start off the show with “Spice Up Your Life” from the Spice Girls. This, my reader friends, is ironic because, like the Spice Girls, they’re all wearing a a loud pink/purplish plaid, which makes some people look good (Our token nice Christian girl Chastity in the black tube top and short school girl skirt – she looks like a Mary Magdalene than Marie Osmond tonight), some people look bad (Elizabeth, in a full body pleather outfit with a pink plaid skirt on top of it that makes her look like something Pat Fields would make after watching the Matrix on acid) , and others just tragic (Zach in his Village People construnction worker outfit). Nonetheless, despite the big first dance number with both groups, this is the first week teams face off for competition, so brace yourselves folks, this DANCE WAR is gonna get ugly.

“Tool Time”

The first half hour of the show is basically a recap of last episode, with some additional backstage footage of the contestants/interviews with Bruno and
Carrie Ann. All the male contestants are talking about pressure, as we see Zach’s makeup being reapplied from his nervous sweats. We see last weeks
performance of “Hold on” as Carrie Ann waxes poetic about what a testosterone driven performance it was, saying “There’s so much heart and soul and guts and
glory when a man performs.” I assume this is also her excuse when producers scold her for hooking up with the contestants. The clips remind us of our
newly dubbed moniker for Philip, Giant Douche Carter, by clipping to his douchiest moments from the week before, primarily his one handed push up and open
shirt bs.

“Insulting nicknames aren’t just given, they’re earned thankyouverymuch.”

Carrie Ann calls Chris the surprise of the night because “his voice is like butter and he knows how to sing to the girls.” Qis talks about how the Backstreet Boys’ song “Larger than “Life (which the group of four boys did last week) is a hard song to do because there weren’t too mamny moments to breathe and his choreography got messed up. Well, that and he was looking to see which girls would get the R. Kelly special from him.

“See YOU backstage, see YOU backstage, see YOU backstage, andddddd you meet me in the bathroom.”

Bruno says the group of three from last week blew him away, and that they were like a pop concert. Tony, being modest, said he almost cried when Bruno said he was only “scratching the surface of his talent.” Zach, not being modest at all, says that he thinks Bruno is going to “depend on me a lot”, which means Zach has Two weeks of reality semi-fame and it goes straight to his head. Carrie-Ann picked Chris with her 2nd choice, and Bruno confesses that he would’ve picked Chris if Carrie Ann hadn’t. Bruno says he subequently picked Tony because he claimed it was a “leap of faith”, which ironically, is the same thing ABC about Bruno the first time they met him, but look how that’s worked out?

Bruno Tonioli: Good for ratings and the continued decline of culture! Hooray!

We got back to the girls’ sexy performance last week of “Bad Girls”. Lacey (the preacher’s daughter) says she was uncomfortable with the performance because she doesn’t consider herself a bad girl, but hey I don’t believe there’s anything against prostituting onself for the sake of variety television in the bible, so Lacey’s spiritually in the clear. Our other favorite Wet Blanket Chastity said she felt uncomfortable dancing in heels, which makes sense now, but won’t when she rebels against her overly-religious upbringing in 2 years. Shit, if she does well on this shoe it’ll be less – look at Papa Joe Simpson. Guy used to be a preacher and now he’s prostituting his daughter. Anyways, you get the point. Nonetheless, she was a sweet dance teacher to little 5 year old kids and Lacey leads a church choir, so kudos, ladies. Even wet blankets like you have a place in the world.

“I also cross stitch”

We recap last weeks dance for “And the Beat Goes On”, and Bruno highlights how well Kelsey nailed it. Kelsey, continually striving for her mother’s love, starts to cry as she talks about how proud her mother was when watching her on stage. Carrie Ann felt that the whole performance was hard for her to watch because the girls’ voices (Chastity, Corina, Kelsey, and Alyssa) weren’t strong enough. Then, they bring on “Lady Marmalade”‘s powerhouse trio of Lacey, Elizabeth and Mariel to show how the three of them showed up the other group. Bruno says Lacey was like a min Patti Labelle, which is good Lacey if you want to move on from directing a church choir to directing a Clash of the Choirs (and which, I suppose, a Dance War would provide fantastic experience for). Lacey also claims that when Bruno picked her first it made her feel like a leader, so who knows? Perhaps she really is getting ready for her next reality battle.

Ladies, and gentlemen, the future Rambo of reality entertainment variety competition shows.

Carrie-Ann says she was disappointed she didn’t get Kelsey, because Kelsey’s a great addition to any team. They then cut to Bruno who simply says, “Kelsey
kicks ass”. Despite the Italio-Brit accent, the man has a way with words. With Elizabeth, Carrie Ann says she thinks she got away with one Bruno should
have picked, but Bruno explains how he shaped his teams – he got guys who were better vocally, while Carrie Ann got girls who were better vocally. Which is
true, so we’ll see how things shape up.

Drew Lachey welcomes us back from a commercial break as we look at the final six from last week and how we ultimately got to our teams. Charity, Corina and
Alyssa were the last three girls left, so they had to each sing a couple of lines from the Destiny’s Child song “Survivor”. As they show Charity practically
yelp it out, they cut to her saying how she “sang in that song with so much heart, more than I ever had.” But based on the singing I think when Charity says
“heart” she means “shamelessness” and when she says “sang” she means “passed that kidneystone.”

“What, I drink lots of soda”

Bruno goes over his last two picks, Philip and Charity, by saying that taking Philip was a risk because he’s the least experienced of the group. Well that,
and the one most hungry for camera time. Carrie Ann who picked Qis and Alyssa, says that Qis is a hearthrob and a real man, cause real men cry and “I was
touched”. Hear that overly sensitive men, you’ve been fooled! You’re the real men after all. Huzzah!

“Yo fellas, let’s have a guys night out. Booze, strippers, and a Debra Messing movie marathon, what do you say?”

Maxx and Corina went home because Maxx was talented but wasn’t confident enough on stage, according to Carrie Ann, and Bruno claims that Corina did not fit
the mold of his team. Then sad piano music plays as Maxx calls home to his parents to deliver the news. the two head off in their cars and say cliche
things about it being a great opportunity. But enough with last week’s recap, on to some pseudo talent show brawling (only with jazz hands for punches and pirouettes for kicks in the nuts). Bruno’s team and Carrie Ann’s teams are out on stage, with Bruno’s wearing blue colors and Carrie Ann’s wearing purple.

You may want to consider wearing other colors in the Los Angeles/ABC studios area, or you might get served in some dance-by.

Carrie Ann says her team is going to do some funky light fashioned hip hop and good old fashioned rock and roll. Bruno, on the other hand says he has
“more than a surprise, he has a treat.” He says unequivocally that he thinks his team is “goregeous.” Considering his behavior so far, I’d suggest all team members should be on alert. Bruno welcomes his team to their new home, saying it’s “red, it’s hot, it’s like you.”

He also forgot to mention that, like himself, it’s loud and begs for your attention.

Team Bruno gets right to singing, but Phil can’t sing because he lost his voice the night before. They then turn on sad piano music as Bruno looks overhead
to Philip out of his nook overlooking the dance floor. The camerawork and musical timing are too perfect, so I have to show it to y’all. It
seriously looks like a Saturday Afternoon special on pedophilia and Bruno is playing the music teacher who goes too far.

Bruno asks the vocal coach to take a look at Philip and he’s clearly not at 100%. He’s worried he won’t have enough of a voice for the performance tonight. Question – any sympathy out there at all for poor Giant Douche Carter? Me neither. We go back to the live broadcast and Bruno’s first song and dance number is “A Little Less Conversation”, which I thought was called “Rubberneckin”. But maybe I came up with that in some crazy Elvis fever dream after a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich with a side of fried chicken. Drew is running down the line of Bruno’s team and as they’re doing it he forgets Philip’s name! It’s really exaggerated because the camera is panning across each of them in a line, and it passes Phil which makes him get this look on his face that’s a cross between internal anger and a facade of douchy happiness.

Douchy Happiness

The performance is pretty good. The guys and girls play well off of one another and the moves are pretty acrobatic. But the singing is just sub par. The
girls don’t do much more than sing a line or two while the guys get the bulk of the singing. Tony sings pretty terribly as does Philip, who usually does
pretty good. The two most notable things about this number had to be Charity’s crazy stripper-hoe wraparound move on Tony and the way my blood boiled when
the dance ended and Kelsey was covering up her and Zach’s face as if they were kissing or giving eyes or something. I’m gonna go eat a pint of ice cream in
bed now and listen to Bonnie Tyler.

I think Jesus may have chosen another path for you, Charity. And it’s called “Rock of Love” 3

Bruno thinks they nailed it because they’re his team, obv. He says Tony did great on the solo (disagree) and that Zach was a rock (mostly true) and that the
girls were sexy (if by girls, he means Kelsey, then yes). He also says Philip sounded great despite Bruno’s “overreaction” to his voice issues earlier in the week. Carrie Ann doesn’t say much, per usual, except that they were elegant, yadda yadda yadda, oh and her team’s better. We’ll get the first taste of Team Carrie Ann ourselves as we go into their training. She gives each of them a folder containing a homework assignment immediately after they get off stage from last week’s episode which (like that coach you had in 6th grade who never played the sport a day in his life but showed up to practice with a handout of drills) reeks of overcompensation.

You think Japanese pop-stars grow on trees? I’m BONaFIDE bitch!

Their apt is pretty sweet and a lot more livable than Bruno’s red sweat shop (which should totally be the name of a bar). Immediately Carrie Ann puts them
on the spot asking them to sing their homework assignment. they all fail miserably and she feigns being upset for the sake of the segment. Bradley on the
other hand, is much better at faking surprise for the camera – either that, or this is what he looks like when he’s trying to focus.

(insert cartoon noise here)

Elizabeth is the last interview before Carrie Ann’s big performance number and she claims that she wants to give America what it wants on show night. I
think America would be happy watching people get kicked in the nuts while eating double cheeseburgers, so that’s a nice standard to live by – way to go
Elizabeth! We then come out to Carrie Ann’s team who are dressed like they got their costumes from the Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit’s final choir
competition.

“Like the outfits? We’re the new models for Gymborees’ adult line!”

Carrie Ann’s teams is going with “Run It” which Carrie Ann calls a funky, fresh, youthful, vibe. Much unlike herself. Bradley starts by
cracking his voice and for the most part, all they really do is swing around the monkey bars. It’s like a bad Kids Incorporated/Mickey Mouse club video.
Qis does the best and, at least today, comes across as the star of the group. Probably because he looks like he’s over 13. Also, Chris’ mike goes out but
he does a good job of just going with the flow. But, of course, collectively they look retarded as they do a pose when the song’s over.

I bet these kids say things like “funky fresh” and “phat”.

Carrie Ann salutes Chris for keeping on with the show despite the technical difficulties. Bruno feels the same way, so clearly nobody bowled them over if
the best thing they can both say is that Chris did a good job. Bruno also knocks the dancing saying it’s pretty simple, and he’s right. So far, your trusty
Dance War blogger is picking sides (temporarily) – Team Bruno is stomping over Carrie Ann’s Sesame Street child actors/performers.

We move on now to Round 2, and it’s time for Brunos’ team to come back and prove me wrong (which, at this point, is likely). I hate to be mean, but the only
people I ever see work out in regular activity clothes (i.e. jeans, shirts, hats, etc.) are overweight people , socially repugnant nerds, and, thanks to
Dance Wars, Team Bruno. That’s right, Team Bruno is getting ready to rehearse their second number by doing a workout with boxing gloves, situps, etc all
while wearing what each would anyways (In other words, whatever the hottest shit was at the Gap companies that they could find).

This workout goes great with my capris

They then do some ice-breaking/team building exercise where each person has to say something nice about the person next to them. If only Bruno and Michael
Scott were the same person, then this show would be a masterpiece. Anyways, Charity gives a compliment to Kelsey and she knows it’s bullshit, so she does
some fake tear thing that just cracks me up (especially since Charity is acting sincere this time). Alright Kelsey, you’re in my good graces, in spite of
the tryst with Zach (in my head). WAIT! I guess I spoke too soon because soon after Kelsey said Phil’s nice thing was that he was hot. As if he needed to
hear that any more. That’s it Kelsey, you’re on my shit list.

This is what happens when you’re on the shit list. I put up a stupid picture of you. HA! (and yet she still manages to look better than all the other girls on this show)

The rest of the circle goes around sucking each other off, and soon after this pointless exercise we see Kelsey having some problems with her voice. She’s coming out too flat, but she ultimately gets it down thanks to her voice coach. Don’t know if Live television will be that forgiving, but we’ll see. Bruno’s doing some coaching with his crew, talking about pulling the stomach in during some turns and whatnot, and he follows that by patting Chastity in the tummy.

“Daddy thinks it was an immaculate conception, but I reversed cowgirled Tony in the bathtub!”

Team Bruno is performing “SOS” by Rhianna(?) and the influence is, for some reason, Oriental. The girls are carrying around fans and wearing those tight
dresses from China – I would be drooling right now for Kelsey, but I’m gonna hold it in to avoid giving her the satisfaction. And that’s the saddest thing
I’ve ever written. Anyways, the performance, to be frank, is very good, although Chastity needs to put a sock in her mouth, sew it up and cover it in duct
tape. I mean, do one thing and do it well is a good way to live your life but not when you’re doing variety shows.

“According to Tony, I do TWO things well.”

Bruno says they were excellent and says he’s short of words they were so good. He points out Kelsey (per usual) for being solid. Carrie Ann says she
was impressed and they were really slick, but that they were more chorus and she didn’t really see any lead come out. Bruno freaks out and, in Eurotastic
shock, flails his body around when she makes that comment. Also, after she makes her point, she gets booed violently, which i think deep down inside, makes
us all want to be there.

This is what booing in Italy looks like, honest.

We go back to Team Carrie Ann’s training session. Carrie Ann says she has six people who can take the lead at any time, if by lead she means the lead
romantic interest in the next episode of Hannah Montana. Bradley is struggling with his voice which apparently is indicative of the rest of the group.
Carrie Ann has a sit down with the group and says the group’s vibe is uncertain and that she’s going to push it up a notch. She’s doing the tough love thing
with Mariel in the hopes that it makes her better. But after scolding her for a while, she gives her the phone to call her cancer-stricken grandmother,
which despite their shittier than Bruno’s team performance, may help them pull out the win next week with sympathy votes.

SHREWD BITCH! (and she knows it)

We come back to commercial with Drew who seems to have found an older group of groupies than his bar-mitzvah’d friends from last week. Must be a super sweet
sixteen! Anyways, Carrie Ann’s team sings “Call Me,” and the guys are basically dancing props as this number is all about the ladies. The three of them do
great, and Elizabeth has some serious presence. I have to give this one to team Carrie Ann, they really did much better on the second number. My heart says
Team Bruno (ahem Kelsey ahem) while my head tells me Team Carrie ann for this week. Carrie Ann is ecstatic, but Bruno says the boys could’ve been better
with choreography. Nonetheless, the girls had a fantastic performance according to Bruno and looked like a girl band.

We cut to a clip reel of both teams’ contestants talking about how they’re all scared about leaving and don’t want to go home. Everyone says that it’s the
opportunity of a lifetime and other blase things that carry about as much gravitas as anything that comes out of Carrie Ann’s mouth. We have one big song
and dance number with everyone before it’s over, but Drew has a quick conversation wtih Bruno and Carrie Ann beforehand. Carrie Ann says it will break her
heart if someone leaves and that it’s not an option. I’ve never wanted to break someone’s heart my entire life, but in this case, I’ll make an exception.

Please America, do the exact opposite of whatever this nutjob says to do!

The group sings “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen with Zach sarting off in the bleachers with his most rabid age group (besides Cougars), 12 year old girls. He does well, but they bring in Bradley to sing right after and Zach looks like freakin’ Steve Perry next to him. Everyone else does ok as they rotate aimlessly on stage with the giant rolling monkeybar set, and we’re all done fot eh week. Phone lines are open, so if you actually care to call, be my guest. Me, I’m just gonna sit here making fun of people I’ve never met as they do something I could never do. Fun, huh? See you next week, readers!