Bruno Vs. Carrie Ann: Dance Wars: Wanna Get Drunk?

As much as I like a good ‘ol singing and dancing war (who doesn’t?), I think the best strategy for round two is to hop downstairs to the local grocer, pick up a Heineken mini-keg, and drink a beer every time somebody on the show does something to embarrass themselves. You might need to buy two. Anyways, on with the (dancing and singing oriented) fratiness!

“You handle the beer bong with flair but you need to work on your technique!”

We say hello to our contestants with a big dance number to “Get Ready Cause Here I Come”, and all of them are wearing white. The song moves into “Don’t Stop ‘Till You Get it Up” and then “Shake Your Groove Thing” and turns into some kind of monstrous melody where they all repeat “Get ready, cause here I come. Everybody dance now. Shake your groove thing,” over and over again. With all of these white outfits, I suppose this is what heaven is supposed to look like. If that’s the case, we should all start sinning a lot more.

“Welcome to heaven, dummy”

Tonight, Bruno and Carrie Ann will only be making their picks, so we won’t be able to vote for one of these derelicts to go home. They’ll make their choices by dividing the 14 between boys and girls. Then, one group of four guys will do a number, followed by a group of 3. Same goes for the ladies. Bruno and Carrie Ann will subsequently make 4 picks total from the guys and girls, leaving 3 guys and 3 girls crapping their pants for the last 15 minutes of the show. That final six will duke it out for the last 4 spots, meaning that one girl and one guy’s lives will have peaked on Dance War: Bruno Vs. Carrie Ann, episode one. I guess dreams can’t be made all the time, huh ABC/Disney?

“Did some terrible tragedy happen to your family or are you financially destitute?! No?! Well, f**k you!”

Bruno and Carrie Ann begin the show discussing what they’re looking for in a team. Bruno starts reciting his dream diary and talks about how his group will need to mesh together like a football team. If you haven’t been chugging a cold beverage, now’s the time. Carrie Ann bullshits by talking about her guys needing to collaborate or something, and our trusty pal Drew Lachey gets us into a clipreel where we see our contestants in their home environments. Just the idea of seeing that gazelle Kelsey in her natural habitat is exciting, so bring it on Lachey!

The guys collectively come out and do a dance and singing number to “Hold On” with Zach (the little “Justin”) and Chris (the kid looking for vindication) chatting as if they were Zach and Corina (the confirmed ho from last week). Also, Philip from Tennessee is trying to show what a douche he is and is doing one-handed pushups. Mission accomplished, Phil. He is fitting a theme, however, as with this dance number all the guys are wearing military outfits. You see, the producers think they’re funny since this is Dance War and all. Wait for more hilarity to ensue. Also, I believe with such a ham-handed attempt at humor, ABC should be embarrassed of itself. Drink, pledges.

“Do Ask, Do Tell, Zach. I love our conversations.”

The dance number is ok, but it’s hard to judge cause there’s so many on stage. The only thing worth noting is that Philip keeps acting like a turd sandwich by wearing an open shirt so he can show off his abs, and the guys did these strange grunting noises to show how manly they are. Bruno must be proud.

He’s like a new Chuck Norris, only less gay and black.

When they go to the judges, Carrie Ann says Bradley really stood out to her and he “worked it like it’s never been worked before.” She also really liked Zack (shock) because she’s a true believer in May – December romances. Bruno’s favorite on the other hand was Chris, who he believed had a great voice. He also really liked Philip (shock) because Phil’s a ho. Bruno calls him a “dreamboy”. Ha. Here’s to Bruno, that silly little man who embarrasses himself all the time. Salut.

We meet our first group of four dancers by heading to their homes. Maxx is first. He’s from a farm in Tennessee, and from the looks of it, I think they’re farming old people. Maxx’s job on the farm must be to entertain them right before they’re taken to the slaughterhouse. Seriously, the elderly is getting overlooked by America. The greatest generation sent to the slaughterhouse and only a moppy haired effeminate kid named Maxx (with two “x’s” mind you) to show for it.

“Me and grandpa got you some dance shoes, a hobo stick and some shoe polish, sonny. You’re gonna be a vaudeville star. Go git ‘em.”

We then meet “Qis”, who last week, if I recall, went by Marquis. He wanted to be a football player but after an injury he started dancing in the 12th grade and he claims that music is his life now. Qis is pushing to be on Carrie-Ann’s team because she’s supposed to be all hot or something, but that’s just shameful Qis. Really. In fact, embarrassing. Toast to “Qis”.

“When I button everything but the top button, I’m Marquis, but when I go down this far, it’s just “Qis” baby.”

We then move on to Chris who’s representative of a disturbing, yet remarkable trend with a number of our contestants – namely, some loved one with a serious disability. Chris’s mom has Multiple Sclorosis and used to play the piano, but can’t anymore due to her condition. I mean, if this guy doesn’t make it to the final four he’s squandered some serious sensitivity points. But he probably will, since after hearing that touching story a million tween girls start shouting like crazy for him.

A smile only a mother and a horde of tween girls could love.

Bradley’s our last guy out of the first four, and he has quite the family. They’re all into singing and dancing, and his brother’s a dancer on Broadway. Performing runs in their genes, well that and bad taste in clothing based on some of Bradley’s photos. Anyways Bradley says that he wants to just smile and entertain and Dance War is his chance to do that.

Must’ve been a muggy night.

Of course the guys perform Backstreet Boys’ “Larger than Life” because those songs were literally made for this crap. The performance is pretty good with Chris and Bradley doing well. Carrie Ann agrees and thinks Chris did great and Bruno believes Bradley is a powerhouse dancer, but can be taken to another level if his voice improves. He also feels that Maxx’s solo lacked a little impact, while Carrie Ann felt that Qis got a little too excited. Although I think based on the photo, it seems like Maxx was the most excited of them all.

Maxx – “I’m a tween girl deep down inside anyways.”

Next up we come to Zack, Tony, and Phillip. Zack’s our second person who has a family member with a disability – his brother has down syndrome. They show Zack working out with him and he calls him his best friend, but something’s uncomfortable about it because some Tweens or Carrie Ann keeps whooping in the back while we have this touching moment. Nonetheless, ABC’s managed to manipulate me once again and I’m feeling a twinge of guilt for making fun of Zack. But, that’s quickly resolved with this photo:

On to Tony, our rags to riches story. He says that he came to LA with $600 and a trash bag full of clothes. His mom was a hip hop dancer and taught him the moonwalk when he was a kid. Now, he’s worth about $650 and some shit from Ikea, and is dancing on a reality show. Welcome to the bourgeoisie.

“I rather like it from up here. Harumph.”

We next meet Philip from Virginia. Phil and his all-star country family band play guitar, fiddle and base around the den and have snowball fights all the time. It’s Pigeon Forge charming. He then talks about what a jock he was as they show the photos he submitted to ABC, followed by a montage of him rock climbing, flexing, and acting like an All-American giant douche. I’m stealing from a (brilliant) South Park episode here, but I can’t tell whether Philip is a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich. A vote? Please, let me know in the comments, I’m dying to hear your opinions (and I’m going to drink more now because I’ve shamed myself with this toilet humor joke).

This could be a close race

The three now have their dance number and I actually feel sorry for them because they have to wear these Mr. Slave vests. Phil comes out flexing like a tool, but overall everyone does a good job with “Hard to Handle”. And I hate myself for saying that. Carrie Ann says the three male strongest voices are there – she especially loved Philip (yecch). Bruno asks Tony if he knows how good he is, which you can tell makes him feel genuinely happy. Surprisingly, a legitimately nice moment, which I obligingly have to follow with this:

Looks like Giant Douche may win with this. Time to throw one back.

It’s time for Bruno and Carrie Ann to run down the list of the boys, providing about a sound bite for each one. Most of Bruno’s are worth transcribing which I will do here – Carrie Ann’s are typically boring.

Bruno on…

Zack: “Zack is mine! Strong leading man!”

Qis: “Qis is the charmer!” (long pause) “gotta have him.”

Maxx: “Maxx, the cheeky boy, bouncing all the way around, he’s like a little Chihuahua. [Chihuahua overly-annunciated]“

Chris: “Is Baby Spice of the Group …He has a ‘Watch Me’ quality about him”

Bradley: “Bradley is the Showman! [said in tone like someone is disagreeing with him and he's getting really worked up defending Bradley].”

Seriously, someone needs to do a keg stand with all of the embarrassment Bruno just provided himself. Anyways, Carrie-Ann seems to be going with a teeny bopper approach as she gets first pick and selects Chris and Bradley, the youngest looking of the men. Bruno goes with Zach and Tony, leaving Maxx, Qis, and Philip hanging a little bit longer.

We next move on to the ladies, starting with the song “Bad girls”. It’s a mod design/choreography and they actually look, for the most part, pretty sexy. Unfortunately, the science experiment on top of Lacey’s head brought down the class average. If Kelsey weren’t here, god knows what kind of a collective disaster the ladies on this show would be.

Exhibit A: Failed Science Experiment

Exhibit B: Curvebuster (doubly appropriate?)

Bruno felt Lacey and Mariel’s voices were a “symphony” and Kelsey’s dancing is impeccable (I picked a thoroughbred here – mark my words she’s going far). Carrie Ann complimented Elizabeth (the potential ho from episode 1) and said that Corina (the definite ho from episode 1) needed to work on her balance. She also awkwardly complemented Alyssa, the sales queen, by saying, “Alyssa, nice sparkle.” Next thing I’d like you readers to comment on – Is Carrie Ann retarded?

Our first house, appropriately enough, is Kelsey’s and we see that her mother is a dance instructor who pushed Kelsey her whole life. Even Kelsey admits that she’s worked hard to please her mother, and she’s doing Dance War, in part, because of her. All of this begs the question – Why couldn’t she have daddy issues?

You may be a pain, Kelsey’s mom, but thank you for delivering this little piece of bleach blonde heaven.

Next up is Corina who gives a very Brenda Dickson presentation as she shows us her house. Her mother says that she’s always wanted people to like her and that she always wanted to be the center of attention, which explains a lot. Corina says that at first glance people think she’s this “cute, ditzy flirt”. To which the obvious response is, yes, you are that and much worse, unfortunately. Corina’s latest bout with self-embarrasment might push me over the edge – from this point on, beware of spelling mistakes/drunken dyslexia, readers!

“Home to my welcome”

Allysa comes next from Fresno, California. She has a pretty good story for an underdog – she went to auditions not planning to try out, just planning on driving a friend. Lo and behold she’s made it onto the show. She seems nice so I’m putting a moratorium on making fun of her until next week (maybe). It’s also because she’s boring and there’s nothing else to really say about her.

Charity, or last weeks 20 year old southern belle from Nashville, is slightly more interesting, if only for the fact that she is a dance instructor (Geez, how many of these are there on the show?) and has a lisp that brings a13-year-old’s laugh out of me. Also her dad is a contemporary Christian artist or as I like to call it, a guy who would never have a record deal if he didn’t write songs about Jesus.

“♪Jesus is alright with me, because he pays all of my bills♪”

We come back and, like last week, it looks like Lachey’s found a new batmitzvah to MC!

“My theme is washed up 90′s pop-stars!”

The girls come out onstage in some pretty hot black and white outfits singing and dancing to “The Beat Goes On.” It’s a cool song and the choreography was well done, but the girls are all doing a pretty bad job with the vocals. Carrie Ann notices right away but also comments that Alyssa lit up the room and that Kelsey was both powerful and consistent. Bruno notes how difficult “stylized choregraphy” or whatever can be and how you have to be on top of every note – I can see what he means, the song was choppy. He says Kelsey accomplished it, but goes right for the jugular on Corina after that, saying she didn’t hit her opening notes and it’s something she’s going to have to work on. He then looks awkwardly away – looks like this spells trouble for Corina.

“Either that or thinking about Zach gave me a hernia”

We move on to the next three girls starting with Mariel, our little tween powerhouse from Chicago. She shows off a drawing she made to her grandmother, confirming my suspicion that she is lying about her age and is, in fact, 14. Sadly, her grandmother Lily is dying of cancer (seriously?! This is getting ridiculous) and she says on camera, in a weak, accented English that “for all we know this might be my last to see her perform or something.” In other words we could have a potential final 3 of a guy whose brother has down syndrome, a guy whose mother has multiple sclerosis, and a girl whose grandmother is dying of cancer. You know that those producers are crossing their fingers that one of these relatives bites the bullet for dramatic effect. Cynical, I know, but come on. They wouldn’t be showing us this stuff if it wasn’t a possibility.

Producer 1: “10 to 1 odds that grandma’s the first to choke”

Producer 2: “I’ll take that bet. My money’s on Maxx’s nursing home friends. Did you see those people?”

We meet Lacey and she introduces us to her life in Tennessee. And from the looks of her house, preaching about Jesus is a good line of business. Anyways, we find out that her name isn’t Lacey, and that Lacey is in fact a stage name – real name unknown. When not wearing terrible wigs, “Lacey” is a choir director at her church (nepotism is cool with Jesus, right?).

“All this praying is makin’ me tired. Y’all don’t mind if I liven things up with some gospel high notes and finger waggin’ do ya?”

Last we come to Elizabeth, the overly flirtatious girl from episode 1. Elizabeth is adopted and has had a supportive family, but probably some issues she’s not telling the cameras. Her mom believes that “Elizabeth is going to capture America’s hearts, just like she did ours 20 years ago.” Awww, an adoption storyline. I hope her birthparents show up for the finale.

“Hold on there, buddy. She’s my mealticket and I’m not giving her up!”

The three girls sing Lady Marmalade and they’re clearly the three best female voices in the competition. Elizabeth starts off on lead vocals and starts to move closer to Bruno as she’s singing. Bruno creepily stares at her as he mouths off the words and I realize I may have to rethink my position on Bruno’s sexuality – instead of being into boys, I think he’s just straight up wanting it all from everywhere. Crazy Europeans.

“Hold on, let me just pull out my stack of singles”

Bruno loved the performance and calls them “Dreamgirls in the making.” Maybe I have to re-rethink that last thought on Bruno. Carrie Ann says Mariel blew her over and keeps trying to make a lame joke about how she so blown over that she’s rolling down the street. Stick to judging and Japanese pop stardom, please. But domoarigato, nonetheless.

Before selection of the girls, Bruno and Carrie Ann debate which people they want. Again, Bruno’s quotes are the best and I will do the inflections [as they're both numerous and notable in this montage] as well as I can.

Bruno on…

Mariel – “I’ve got to have Mariel [sounds like 'Mario']. The voice of an angel!”

Charity – “Charity is the tigress and the girl next door. How exciting is that?!”

Alyssa – “You’d be CRAzy [extra inflection/cracking of the voice on the "A"] not to want Alyssa on your team.”

Elizabeth – “Voice, personality. I call her my mini Madonna.” [sounds like "mi-NI ma-DO-na"

Kelsey - "I'd like to work with Kelsey...[whispers] the sex kitten.”

Corina – “She’s the Hollywood Babe, the Paris Hilton of the group.” [voice went from chipper to grossed out by the name "Paris Hilton" all in one sentence]

Lacey – “If Carrie Ann tries to get Lacey, there’ll be chairs flying out this studio and she’ll be going with it!!!!”

Ultimately, Bruno gets first pick and selects Lacey because he wants a “diva” in the group and Kelsey because he needs a “very strong dancer, someone hot, sexy, solid.” Carrie Ann picks Mariel because she’s got “soul” and is the grounding of the group, and Elizabeth because while she’s “not the best all-around,” she’s got some “fire” in her. This truly is a Disney channel pop group waiting to happen with Mariel, Elizabeth, Chris, and Bradley.

“Hi, we’re the Disney channel’s newest group and we have some awesome news! We’re pregnant!”

Our last 3 guys and our last 3 girls are doing their last auditions for the final 4 spots. The 3 girls go up to Bruno and Carrie Ann and each sing a line from “Survivor.” Charity kind of yells so that’s already a bad start for her – it’s gotta come down to her and Corina (who yelps during the song while getting red-faced). There’s no way Alyssa is gonna be dropped, especially because she seems to be the only one who delivers in this final tryout. Let’s take four swigs for Charity and Corina – one for each tone deaf ear.

Someone should really make a donation to Charity. Look at this poor thing.

Qis, Max and Philip are up and singing some Boyz II Men “End of the Road”. Qis starts off ok, but MAXX kind of butchers it and gives the judges the crazy eye while singing – double f-up.

Two swigs now – one for each crazy eye

Philip, I regretfully say, sings well, but while looking at him doing this I’m not so unconvinced he’s not a Carter. As in Aaron and Nick Cater. That would explain a lot.

Nickname -elect: Giant Douche Carter

Based on the last singing tryout, Bruno and Carrie Ann have made their decisions. Corina and Maxx are going home presumably cause Corina was too hoe-ish and distracted, and Maxx is just kind of weird and weird looking – right? Bruno went with Philip and Charity – two points I want to make about this. First of all, I hope this leads to some serious ego battles between Philip and Zach. I’m sure you, dear readers, agree with me. Secondly, Charity isn’t better than Corina. Corina was just a dumb ho who didn’t say the right things. You’re on a reality show bitch, act humble/demure (didn’t you learn anything from Kelly Clarkson). Oh well too late for her. Carrie Ann went ahead with Alyssa and Qis which is as perfectly boring as Carrie Ann. And there you have it – your dance War Teams from now until the end of this craptastic piece of reality television. You see week next! Too drunk – pout assing. Readers Bye.

“We’ll be matching your BAC levels soon, HayHor!”