Dance Wars: Picante or Mild? Ummmm, Mild.

What’s up readers? I’m going to start this recap with a disclaimer – I don’t mean to offend anyone. Nonetheless, I have to say that Latino culture, when not presented properly, can seem kind of obnoxious. For example – Reggaeton, J. Lo, Walter Mercado, and Sabado Gigante (look the last two up if you don’t know them).

If any readers out there are offended know this – your writer is a card carrying, off-the-boat Latino (well, it was on a plane, when I was 1, but you get the picture). Let’s remember that despite the aforementioned desecrations considered to be Latino culture, I can think of no greater slap in the face than having Bradley sing the songs of my people. Much less, on a night when High School Musical (yes, you heard right) is already going to make us feel uncomfortable. That being said, ignore the Disney/ABC imposed synergy and we’ll move on with LA GUERRA DE BAILE!

Que barbaridad!

We start with Lachey screaming that “It’s Latin week!” with the vigor of a soltero on the prowl (sorry I’ll stop with the spanglish colloquialisms). The first, big number with both teams is “Dance with Me”. I will do my best to push all previously mentioned biases to the back of my mind, and to just make fun of these people for being the adorable dolts that they are.

So, staring with Lacey, she is stealing the show from everyone, particularly the other big voiced Mariel, by really going that extra octave. She isn’t trying to show Mariel up, but just wants her to know who’s “Queen Bitch” in this joint. Overall, the number is pretty well put together and nicely performed, and of course, Kelsey looks fantastic. Also, Zack smiles after the number like he just defeated potty training and is excited to show his mom and dad.

“I got to the toilet in time!”

Bruno shouts to us that tonight’s performances are going to take us to old Havana, and then to a hip, young club in Miami and “we’re gonna rock it!” Lachey then asks if Bruno knows what hip and young is while Bruno claims that “I invented hip and young.” It’s pretty easy to imagine a 16 year old Bruno, wind flopping in his hair as he pulls his moped into a go-go club so he can sip grappa with some guy named Sergio.

Lachey asks Carrie Ann what her team has up their frontrunner sleeve. She says that they have a “presentational number for Bruno” and another one that’s a “good old team Carrie Ann style” number, or in other words, a dance of gloating. Bruno’s comments against Chris pissed of Bradley, so he mouths off to the camera that they’re tired of Bruno’s comments and have been working too hard for that. I’m really tired of him. When they interview the team to get their reaction to winning again, everyone seems to be really thankful, except Bradley who takes himself way too seriously and says, “This is a WAR and they’re AFTER us.”

“Sergio, is that you behind me?”

Carrie Ann got her team a day at the spa, which everyone seemed to be pretty pumped about. Qis is going into the sauna with Chris so he can “relax his muscles a bit,” but dude, in all frattiness, jerking off in front of another dude totally makes you gay, no matter what you say. Bradley continues to act like a douche, as he wears a wrobe and wraps a towel around his head. It’s ok though, he says, “because I look good.” He claims that he’s “not a diva..I just like things.” Which is code for “I’m a golddigger.” Watch out, Clay Aiken, this one’s on the prowl.

“I DON’T WANT PRENUP!”

A conga beat drums in the background as we get back to Team Carrie Ann’s studio, just in case we forgot what the theme of this week is. Carrie Ann says that Latin music is already great in the first place, but Mariel worries because you have to be technically precise to do it well. Alyssa, however, feels confidence because she’s had Latin training before. She’s forgetting one thing, however – she’s dropping lbs by the minute. Based on my handful of Latin weddings, the dancing style includes some serious hip-shaking elements. Unfortunately for her, she lost her biggest (trying not to write “asset” as it is a shameful pun) advantage (phew) in a matter of weeks.

Regardless, their song is going to be Conga by Gloria Estefan, which, if you haven’t seen it, is one of the greatest music videos of all time. Still, I’m holding the Christmas album against her as my mother plays it nonstop in casa de HayHor during the Holidays. You can only hear “A Very Special Christmas” in that nasally tone so many times before you want to dip your head into a frying pan full of fried plantains. Moving on, Team Carrie Ann is wearing white for this performance which is appropriately bland. It’s a boring act save for a couple of good dance moves from the guys. The guys also come together to create a 3 person spinning chair for the girls out of their arms, which is a pretty terrible idea as that’s not something you can just do quickly.

Good thing Zack wasn’t wearing one of those suits. He only recently beat incontinence.

Carrie Ann feels that it was a winning performance, and was happy that she could hear “no breathing” from the ladies (sadist). If there was one problem, she thinks Elizabeth had a wardrobe malfunction, but those puppies are out because they were meant to be, even on a family show like this. Bruno surprises everyone (including yours truly) and says that he really enjoyed it – it was fully chroegraphed and there was no gimmick. Carrie Ann then gives him something called a hug, but I think a better word for it would be a smug, no?

Carrie Ann: “Oh, thank you for indulging my over-inflated sense of self, Bruno!”

Bruno: “Ok, great, now that’s enough bitch.”

Team Bruno lost last week, but I’m predicting right now, based on last week’s performance and an overall sense of pity, they’ll win the vote this week. Tony’s exit is revisited, and he says that we should keep watching out because he’s going to be doing “my thing.” Not sure what his thing is, but I hope for his sake it’s enough to get some self respect after doing this show. Zack is shown backstage crying, as he’s truly upset about Tony’s elimination. But I don’t know why he’s attached to these people – this group won’t exist after their Hollywood Records produced LP does slightly better than Vanilla Ice’s rock album and slightly worse than Danity Kane.

While Team Carrie Ann got to go to the spa, Team Bruno got a much more fulfilling, yet far less relaxing afternoon of hanging out with people who have down syndrome. Zack’s brother has down syndrome and after watching the show, the head of the National Down syndrome coalition or something like that arranged for this to happen. And listen, I love a sweet hearted person with down syndrome just like the next guy, but nothing compares to having someone scratch my ass with mud and wrap me up in seaweed. And based on this picture, you know Phil’s just like Bradley, only instead of saying “I’m not a diva I just like nice things,” he’s thinking it.

“Although some downies stroking my ego ain’t so bad.”

In all seriousness, the people there couldn’t be happier to see Team Bruno. They acted like they were the biggest stars in the world, especailly Zack. The team was friendly with them and will probably be better off in their performances, knowing those guys are out there rooting for them. They take that positive momentum to practice with Bruno who does something to make Zack lose focus. Bruno wants Zack to switch on the sex appeal, but our man Zack is (unshockingly) a mormon. That might explain why he says he says “I don’t even like saying that word [sex].” Good thing dentistry/performing pays well cause you’re gonna need to find yourself a wife before you explode, buddy.

“Vote for me, Mitt!”

Bruno says that the chemistry between them has to work and it’s the most difficult number they’ve ever done. The song they’re dancing to is “Sway,” which based on the practice footage, is supposed to be sexy. It ends up not doing much for Kelsey and Lacey as they’re kind of background players in this one. Zack and Phil, meanwhile, make this into something like the Ace and Gary Variety hour. But instead of acting in tandem, it’s more of a competition, with Phil really showing superior vocal range and Zach showing an absolute inability to act like he’s not intimidated by a vaginas, to which I say, I know the feeling. Overall, the act would’ve only played well with a canasta club from Palm Beach County.

This plays well at the Copa Cabana Early Bird Dinner performance.

I didn’t really notice while they were dancing, but Zack and Phil have fake tattoos from a plastic bubble in a toy dispenser. I guess ABC shelled out too much money on that spa day for Team Carrie Ann. Bruno says the performance, tattoos and all, was like Dancing with the Stars and American Idol combined. Bruno then asks if Lachey knows how hard it is to train the way the contestants are training, to which Lachey laughs like a douchebag and says, “Do I?” in a mocking tone. Although, I can see how it can be hard to let go of that fleeting boyband fame from a decade ago. Carrie Ann felt it was difficult to pull that kind of number off and they did a good job, but that Philip was a standout. Philip you’ve redeemed yourself with your voice this time, but will your lame personality be able to cool it down?

“With this face? Not a chance”.

Time for the whoring out portion of our show to begin, and this week’s Chelsea Clinton, so to speak, is the High School Musical stage tour. I don’t know much about High School Musical, but from my impression, this high school looks like it’s in the seventh circle of hell. And I think the guy in the sparkly pants, red shirt, black vest and platinum hair was sent to annoy me for eternity. Thank goodness for DVR fast forward (sorry if any of you want to hear a recap of this High School Musical performance, but I can only take so much).

“You can’t fast forward me in your nightmares!”

We come back from that house of horrors with Team Carrie Ann’s clipreel. Carrie Ann voice overs that sometimes in rehearsal Alyssa can be a little bit lazy and also makes excuses for things. They then cut to a clip of Alyssa forgetting something and saying, “I flaked out.” She looks like she’s on whatever Britney was on during the VMA’s, cause she’s just shuffling around and pretending like it’s dancing. Should we be concerned? She could be an even more f-list version of Jessica Sierra.

“Got any Percs?”

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Carrie Ann also feels the need to praise Bradley for his dance ability this week after Qis shows some trouble with the Latin moves and Bradley helps him pull it together. He says it’s because “I’m a jock and my body is going to move in ways I can’t imagine”. Bradley, being the starfucker that he is, wants to make a name for himself in the dancing and singing world. That’ll work great at the Starlight Diner, where your waiters and waitresses are the show.

“Would you like some Goulet with that Pastrami?”

Team Carrie Ann is up and they’ll be singing “I Need to Know” by Marc Anthony. Speaking of, did anyone see El Cantante? Man, this guy can play a coked up asshole with the best of them. Moving on, Carrie Ann says her team is gonna get down and dirty and have some “flava”. I believe the flavor she’s talking about is bland, if that even is a flavor. It’s a mostly boring performance only highlighted by Qis’ drumming on some work stool. Although, I think he’s like the Ashlee Simpson of stool drumming cause there was definitely some “backup tracks” or whatever the excuse is called.

We go to Bruno and Carrie Ann’s thoughts on the performance, and Carrie Ann is typically supportive and boring, saying that she’s amazed at how the group has found its own unique style. Bruno, on the other hand, saw the forest for the trees and said that it took a long time to get into the number. He says they didn’t need the gimmick or the handkerchief like Pavarotti (there was some weird handkerchief exchange that looked like it was choreographed by Carrie Ann during a hot flash). Carrie Ann says it’s a style that comes from the streets (handkerchiefs? really?) and Bruno starts screaming Pavarotti repetitively. Meanwhile, Carrie Ann is literally getting annoyed at him screaming it over and over again, and rolls her eyes at him.

“As long as you don’t say it three times in front of a mirror we’re cool. Otherwise, he’ll come back and eat you.”

Lachey then asks if they’re getting overconfident, and Carrie Ann starts to break down in tears. She says that because people have been voting for them it makes them work harder. and she’s really proud of them. I think she’s crying, though, because we’re almost done with this puppy and she knows she’s going to have to share screen time with Len Goodman and some C- list or lower celebrities.

“It took me 10 weeks to get into the top 20 of the Japanese charts. I know what hard work is.”

One quick note before Team Bruno’s clip reel comes up. Last week they spoke of a budding romance between two of our contestants – Qis and Mariel, but this week nary a word. And then, we see Qis copping a feel on Elizabeth when they do the end of the dance number call to vote thingy. Whatever this guy’s been up to, I hope he’s wearing some connies.

“I got one in my wallet right now”

Team Bruno is obssessed with beating Team Carrie Ann to the point where they have a pinata to fit this weeks stereotype, I mean theme, and can channel their rage into destroying it. We then get a sob story because while both Zack and Kelsey’s parents have been able to see them often, Philip’s parents haven’t made it in yet since they can’t afford it. I’m just about to feel sorry for him, until we see that his mom is making it in this week thanks to her church, because sending middle class people to see their sons perform on a reality show is a much better usage of money than feeding the poor and other unimportant things. And speaking of, why are there so many churchgoers in this crew? You had Charity, Zack, Lacey, and now Philip. They could totally start a Christian pop group, but what would they be called?

“Hey man, my name’s Phil. Do you have Jesus in your life? No! Well then then listen to my pop group, THE RAPTURE”

Moving on to our performance, Team Bruno is doing the song “Wind Up” and Bruno jabbers about how they have to “go for it.” This performance is much better than the last one, as the girls start in some odd (peep show?) booths that they all use throughout the performance to do semi-acrobatic things on. They also do a good job of getting the crowd pumped up and the dance moves really all work with the song. My only two criticisms are that 1) like Bruno’s criticism of Team Carrie Ann, this one took a little long to get going. It was good once it did, but it still took way too long. 2) Why are they dressed like a carnival cruise song and dance show? I mean, that might be what the future holds for them (or the past held in Kelsey’s sake – she used to dance on a cruise ship), but why not spare them the embarrassment for awhile?

“Did everyone out there enjoy the all you can eat seafood buffet?!!!”

After an awkward exchange where Lachey tries to catch a glow stick and makes a joke about it (you’re no Seacrest…or Bergeron for that matter), Bruno comments on his group. He says that they set out to do a pop group and that this is a pop group – their “personalities came out and [they] did everything [they] had to do.” Team Carrie Ann gets all conciliatory (but you can tell she hates it) and shakes Bruno’s hand. She says that they were great, and Bruno says “You’re happy, I’m happy.” Of all the people in the world to be pussy whipped, I didn’t expect it to be Bruno Tonioli.

“What can I say, I’m a glutton for punishment.”

Well, it’s time to reveal America’s vote and I expect half out of pity and half out of performances, America is going to pick Team Bruno as the winner this week. Before we do that, we see how early the contestants wake up and get ready to go out to work. Most of them are up quickly and in a good mood, which means I will avoid all of them at all costs if I ever happen to bump into them on the street in the morning while I’m on my way to work and they’re wearing a sandwich board or something. I will say Elizabeth is always late, and I love a girl with complete disrespect for punctuality, so I reserve my insults only for her.

At 8:30 they have to be at the studio for breakfast and they dance from 9am up until 5pm. After a full day of rehearsals they then have to go to vocal training and fittings. Then all the groups get together at 8pm and learn the elimination song. Bradley calls it his least favorite part of the week, but it just makes me wonder – how are they not better at this point? Is that unfair of me to ask (as crunch ‘n munch lives up to its name in my mouth and I type this in bed)?

“Whatever you say HayHor, you couldn’t shriek better than I can!”

Lachey abruptly takes us away from the “look at how hard they work!” segment to tell us who is losing a team member this week. As expected, Team Bruno wins this week and Bruno just acts like he got away scott free on a murder charge. If I were on his Team I’d be pissed that he had such little faith, but then again, Bruno is a huge drama queen and everyone knows that.

“Oh Thanka Youa America!”

Carrie Ann is having a nervous breakdown or is just really good at crocodile tears. No, this is a legit cry – has to be because she keeps doing ugly face and you know she’s not intending to do that. Carrie Ann picks Qis first because when she asked what she should do about eliminating someone, he offered himself up. The camera then pans over to Alyssa before Carrie Ann’s next pick and she must be thinking that she’s gone because the mascara rivers are flowing down her face. It’s rough – she looks like one of those people you see on the street who have been crying and you’re dying to know why but can’t ask them because it’s mean.

But we all know why she’s crying…reality show fame withdrawal.

Carrie Ann’s next pick is inexplicably Bradley for all of his dancing abilites. Does anyone else find this pick as off as I do? I mean if you’ve watched the show and tried to hear the guy sing, it hurts. Literally, it hurts ears. He’s in shock and should be. Carrie Ann’s next pick is Mariel who obviously has the best voice on the girl’s side. After that pick, her next she says is always rehearsing and that’s why she’s staying. It’s Elizabeth, and Alyssa and Chris are in the final two. As the show cuts to commercial, they look like a sad young couple who just found out they’re pregnant.

“You sure I’m the daddy? I remember using one of Qis’ connies.”

We come to the final singing battle between Alyssa and Chris, and for the first time we have two people who could be considered good singers in the final elimination. They sing “I Can Be You Hero Baby” by that cabeza de bicho (dickhead), Enrique Iglesias. Alyssa actually does a better job singing the song than Chris, but as predicted, Carrie Ann gives her the axe. Carrie Ann ends up being more devastated about it than Alyssa, who by the end of things looks like she just wants to hit a bitch.

Fierce.

Just wanted to say that one of you fantastic commenters out there wrote last week that I made nary a mention of Charity’s on camera charge during a sad breakdown. I’m not one to kick people while they’re down, like you cold bastards, but in this instance, I kind of laughed. Here’s a little clip of Charity self-destructing as we part ways before the final episode and next week’s big reveal of who is going to be on the next Dancing with the Stars!

Sweet Charity-2.wmv

Let’s hope she’s not under consideration.