Welcome back, boys and girls, to another season of Dancing with the Stars. Season 13 starts soon, and although they do seem to have run out of actual stars, they have managed to come up with 12 people you may have heard of and convinced them to dance for a show that continues to do well in the ratings, despite the lack of stars and/or good dancing. There don’t appear to be any ringers this season, so it might actually be interesting to watch.
Carson will clearly be macho as shown in this picture.
Celebrity number one is possibly the most well known to frequent television viewers. Billed as an “Emmy-winning television star, celebrity stylist, author and fashion designer” Carson Kressley is a familiar face and voice. He’s quite active in the LGBT community, working with charities and such. It will be interesting to see if he will attempt to macho it up or just flame on. He will likely be an audience favorite either way.
Chaz may or may not be more macho than Carson.
Celebrity number two is born to very famous parents and has recently undergone quite a transformation of his own. You guessed it! Chaz (formerly Chastity) Bono, daughter/son of Cher and Sonny Bono, is the second male to join the show. Now I’m all for being who you are and all that, but I wonder if it might be a little awkward for the professional who is paired with Chaz. One can only hope it will be Lacey Schwimmer, so maybe she will tone it down a bit and stop shoving her ass into the camera.
Celebrity number three is billed as “the pop princess,” which is really a little unfair to Chaz. He has famous parents, too. Chynna Phillips’ music is now known mostly to people who spend a lot of time in grocery stores. She is married to William Baldwin, so we are sure to see him in the audience. Chynna is thin and attractive and can probably dance, so she should do pretty well. I might call in and vote for her just because Blue Canary and I sang “Hold On” in a competition in high school. We didn’t win, but when I’m in the cereal aisle and hear the song, it makes me smile.
Chynna Phillips can sing, but can she dance?
Does this Arquette have talent?
David Arquette, “King of the Big Scream,” is the third male contestant. He’s likely the most famous “name” in the season, but I’ve never really found him that likeable. He married Courtney Cox, but they have since split and he’s been photographed out partying like he’s in his 20s. I wouldn’t count on him as an audience favorite – I think American women are going to side with Courtney and kick his ass to the curb rather quickly.
Apparently, I should know this pretty Italian woman.
Elisabetta Canalis is apparently “known for her gorgeous figure and striking expressions,” but I have never heard of her. She is also “instantly recognizable” which was news to me. Maybe I’m out of the loop and people know who she is, but I doubt it. I don’t think I’m that far out of the loop. Unless she’s an excellent dancer, she won’t last long enough to build a fan base.
Hope Solo, who I was saddened to realize is NOT the daughter of Princess Leia and Han Solo, is going to step out of her cleats and into some ridiculously strappy shoes to join the cast. Again, I’m not entirely sure a female soccer player qualifies as a celebrity, but whatever. She’s cute and she’s the goalkeeper, which is kind of badass.
Hope Solo is not Han Solo's daughter.
Will DWTS give J.R. more respect than John Glenn?
J.R. Martinez is probably not a name you know unless you are an “All My Children” fan. Being a closeted soap-watcher myself, I am excited to see him on the show, but not because he’s a soap star. J.R. is likely to make some people uncomfortable. It took my quite a while to get used to him, but if they feature his story, he is sure to inspire. Martinez was only 19 when he served the U.S. Army and nearly gave his life. He was severely burned over 40 percent of his body and has undergone 34 skin grafts. I’m not sure if he can dance, but he is sure to inspire if the viewers can get past their own discomfort. I just hope they don’t try to pull any of that putting him in uniform and having him salute nonsense they did with John Glenn.
The next contestant is the only one who can truly be called a star. It’s Shakira! Wait… what do you mean that’s not Shakira? Who the hell is Kristin Cavallari? Are you sure that’s not Shakira? Well, she’s pretty and she’s from reality T.V., so she’s sure to have fans.
Nancy Grace may browbeat a confession out of her partner!
Listed as “the courtroom queen,” the next contestant, Nancy Grace, is probably at the top of my list for celebrities to get kicked off first. Have you seen this woman’s show? She is down-home Southern in a way that is incredibly condescending. I also can’t picture her dancing. She mainly likes to yell at people and use invented colloquialisms.
Ricki Lake is a "daytime darling."
Everyone knows Ricki Lake, but calling her “daytime’s darling” may be going a little far. She is inherently likeable and has, in the past, struggled with her weight, so I’m guessing she will draw votes. She will be starting a new show in a post-Oprah 2012, with her noted “straight talk” sensibility, but first we get to watch her cha-cha.
Calling Rob Kardashian a celebrity is ridiculous. Sure, people know his attention-whore sisters and mother, but even Bruce Jenner is more of a celebrity than Rob. Calling him “Reality’s Royalty” is just fucking offensive. He is an entrepreneur who produces a few groups I’ve never heard of. Unless the audience is hoping for an in-studio visit from the sisters, he may just be the first to go.
Another attention-whore Kardashian.
And lastly, NBA Laker’s star Rob Artest rounds out the group of contestants. I don’t follow basketball, so I know nothing about him, but I’m guessing he’s tall. As most ballroom dancers are short, even in high heels, it should at least provide an exciting pairing.
He plays basketball.
So, there you have it. It’s nearly time for another season of Dancing with the Pseudo-celebrities. I’ll be here all season, so be sure to keep reading!