Dancing With the Stars: Cha-Cha Challenged

Last week Dancing With the Stars was number one again, and we said good-bye to the Bachelor. And it appears that the show was as happy to see him go as we were!

Will you accept this rose?

This week in addition to their individual dances, the couple will face off in the cha-cha challenge. And the finals are only three weeks away. Wow. This week, according to the voice over announcer, we again are merely live, and not LIIIVE. Is it going to be another boring show? Tom’s first words are, “Yes, it is!”, but I don’t think he was answering me. Was he?

Brooke tells us that the team dances are back with the cha-cha challenge.

I already freakin’ said that!











Yeah, I know that gag is getting old. If they would just feed her some meaningful lines, I could give it up. And, damn, if that isn’t another ugly dress that somehow manages to be too tight on even her scrawny ass body. And she is wearing some odd snake necklace that doesn’t match, unless the hues on my TV are totally fucked up.

From the costumes, it looks like another ballroom night. Is it just me, or have they done way more ballroom and less latin this season? Maybe they are saving the sex and the shaking for the semis and the finals.

Up first are Erin and Maks. In the rehearsal, Maks says he is going to do a proper quickstep for Len, but he is still going to take his pants off. Erin is kind of stodgy and doesn’t want to disrepect Len. Maks has to keep his rebel reputation though.

Even pouty Maks is cute.

Erin awesomely tells him to stop being a child. Maks says something with a lot of bleeps.

The dance opens with them both ripping their bottoms off to reveal bright pink. It was kind of cool, but totally threw Erin off.

When do we clap?

She manages to forget the miscue and really look great. It’s nice to see a quickstep later in the season rather than in the first week because it is truly much quicker. She looks the most confident and effortless she has so far.

At the end of the dance Evan was jumping up and down clapping which makes me like him even more.

Really, he looked more excited in motion.

Len thought the beginning was fine and that it was Erin’s best dance. Bruno thought it was brighter than Len’s tie.

Bright yellow washes Len out. Oh wait, he always looks like that.

Bruno says that it was brilliant apart from some tenseness in her shoulders, and Carrie Ann says it was gorgeous. And there’s some more discussion of Len’s tie, although I never quite figure out what is on it.

BBB (For those of you reading this for the first time, Boring Brooke Burke or Blah, Blah, Blah, or perhaps Brooke’s Bejewelled Boa, because that snake is freaking me out): Actually I haven’t the foggiest idea what they said because we have a rogue penis!

Going Rogue

In case you can’t see it in the picture, it’s obvious that Maks knows it’s there.

Scores: 9,9,9 and Brooke says Maks is looking pretty happy.

I am happy; thanks for noticing.

I can only assume that Maks was turned on by his own disrobing.

Ochocinco is up next and it is apparently Cheryl’s birthday. In rehearsal, Cheryl brings in Tony to help out. Tony needs to prove that he knows how to teach and relates it to football and Chad says it really worked. Hah, take that Kate!

They dance the Viennese Waltz and Chad looks much smoother. He really captures a gentleness and sweetness in the dance.

Bruno agrees with me and calls him a gentle giant, but tells him to watch his funny hands. Carrie Ann says there is nothing sexier than watching a man find out how to be tender, and Len says that this date is the night that Chad became a contender.

BBB: We get to see the diamond necklace that Chad bought Cheryl for her birthday.

Better than a snake.

8,9,8 and Chad looks just a bit disappointed.

Nicole and Derek are up. I think she is trying rehab her image after looking completely neurotic last week and so she talks about her aunt who has Down’s Syndrome and whose favorite song is “You Light Up My Life”, which they are dancing to. Derek says that he needs to remember to compliment her more.

They’re dancing the waltz.

Pitchy, dawg.

You’re like a ripe banana.

If you’re going to sing a song as iconic as that one, you’d better do it better than the original, and that wasn’t, I’m sorry sweetie.

Dreadful, just horrid.

Oh wow, wait, I’m reviewing the wrong show. (Just needed to point out that the band is especially bad this season.)

Back to the dance. As always Nicole is graceful and beautiful, but I didn’t feel a connection to the song or the dance. They do a really awesomely cool spinny thing at the end.

I think I’m gonna puke.

They go over to Nicole’s family afterwards where the aunt greets them with leis.

Mele Kalikimaka.

The only Hawaiian words I could think of. Did I miss something; was she from Hawaii? Carrie Ann says that Nicole is by far the best dancer ever on the show. Really? But she didn’t see a connection between her and Derek. Len loved the routine and said for Nicole to see him in his trailer for some pointers. Wow, the old lech. Bruno says she doesn’t have to come to his trailer (big surprise), but she is dancing royalty even though she made some mistakes.

BBB: 9,9,9 The leis smell amazing.

Next up are Pamela and Damian. We are reminded of her ‘convincing upper body’ from last week. In the backstage package we get to see what Pamela is really passionate about and we visit the wildlife center where she cleans up poop.

I’ll see your handicapped aunt and raise you a homeless owl.

In the rehearsals, Pam is having trouble keeping her hips close enough to Damian so he ties them together which makes Pamela all giggly and giddy. Kind of cute after sex tapes that all the world has seen that she can act embarrassed over this.

They dance the waltz to “At This Moment” which I love. Is anybody else old enough to remember “Family Ties”? The dance is pretty, but technically nothing like Nicole’s, although there was more of a connection between them. Or it could just be that I can’t imagine anyone being romantic with Derek.

Len says that her waltz was much more understated than Nicole’s and she needs to firm up her upper body. How much firmer can you get than silicone? Bruno says that she always gets the character right. Carrie Ann says she improved her legs.

BBB: Brooke forgets what pointless question she was asking in the middle of it and has to look at her notes.

It’s so much harder when Tom doesn’t say it first.

Niecy and Louis are next. The backstage package is all about eating, as usual. OK, people, that repeating joke is getting older than some of mine. Louis gets caught texting Kelly Osbourne though, which was pretty funny.

They are dancing the quickstep and it is cute. Not as fast or as sharp as Erin’s. When they’re not in hold, her arms and legs seem to be on different beats, but they look good in hold.

Bruno says her footwork was better and it was her best dance. Carrie Ann also says it was her best dance and that she was light on her feet, which is apparently the highest compliment you can give a ‘thick’ girl, and Len also says it was her best dance, but she needs to lift her ribcage. Niecy quips that she has a lot to lift and Len tells her that Louis will give her a hand.

I don’t think Louis will be helping you with those.

BBB: Niecy was pacing during the break, wondering what scores she would get. 9,8,8 and Niecy screeches that she can dance.

Evan and Anna fell all the way to fifth place last week, so Evan asked Anna to push him harder this week. Gotta love those athletes. They’re doing the Argentine Tango. They have some great lifts and some interesting choreography and about halfway through Evan seems to really get into the power and the passion and it is really mesmerizing.

Carrie Ann says Evan has the eye of the tiger and that is was the perfect combination of power, control, and rrrrrrr. Len says he knew he was nice on ice, but had his doubts about whether he would be good on wood. How long has he waited to use that line? And that he’s going to dust off the paddle that he hasn’t used. Bruno says he is the alpha male.

BBB: Brooke says that last week’s low scores gave them a spark. Evan says that they worked the hardest and had the most fun. His nerdiness is really starting to grow on me. 10,10,10… the first perfect score of the season! Anna is so excited that she reverts to Russian when asked about the team dance. “We just gonna go and have fun”.

Team Gaga is Nicole, Chad and Pamela and Team Madonna is Erin, Niecy, and Evan. Chad has got the absolute coolest t-shirt on in rehearsals and I actually had to stop the DVR and go buy it (google Ochochinco and tiger t-shirt)

Oh, I get it; the Bengals!

Team Gaga decides that Pam will go first because she is the weakest, but they tell her it’s because she’s so sexy.

They start out very out of sync. In Pam’s solo, she very obviously can’t remember the moves. And does some really bad splits.

Who woulda thought Pam would have trouble spreading her legs?

Chad looks sharper than she does, but has to watch Cheryl to remember the steps. Two dances is apparently an overload for some of our stars. Nicole just makes some pissed off faces, which don’t seem to really fit the cha cha.

I personally thought that was one of the weakest team dances we’ve ever seen, but the judges disagreed with me. Len says e parts in formation were right on it, Bruno said that it was incredible, and Carrie Ann says that there was sexual energy.

BBB: What’s it like working like a team? You need teamwork. Chad calls them Team Pow, Wow, and Damn, which is way catchier than Gaga. 9,9,9

The other team is up next with their cha cha. In rehearsals, Niecy told Evan he looked like a scarecrow., and says he needs help with his hips. When they’re working on their individual parts they spend a lot of time texting each other. When they get back together, they don’t seem too focused.

When they come out I have forgotten for a moment that they are Team Madonna and I am confused.

Did someone order a French maid?

But then I see Erin and remember. They start without the pros which is brave.

Their cha cha is much more of a happy dance than the other team. Niecy’s splits are way better than Pam’s.

I thought they were more in sync and I liked it much better than the other dance, but what the hell do I know? Bruno says they went wrong footed. Carrie Ann also says they were out of sync so I watched it again, but I still thought they were closer than the other team. Len says that they were brave to start without the pros. (Really, I write this stuff before I hear the judges.)

BBB: More teamwork crap which I am bored with now. 8,8,8 Harumph.

Well, that ties up Evan and Nicole at the top and throws Niecy to the bottom. I have decided that I am officially rooting for Evan now.

Now for my new segment; Where Are They Now? The first eliminated contestant was

Shannon Doherty. I actually don’t know where she is, and I don’t really care, but I have a new piece of trivia. I told y’all the first week that she was once married to Ashley Hamilton. I just found out this week that she was also married to Rick Salomen, who was married to Pamela Anderson! Dear God, this is like a soap opera.

It would have been way more fun to have them all on at once.

See ya next week!