Dancing With The Stars: Finale Results Show

Recaps

By HappyHousewife | Wednesday, May 26, 2010 | 11:31 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dancing w/ The Stars, Featured, Recaps

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen!  Seeing as it is finale week in all of TV land, I suppose it is time we wrap up the donkey show we affectionately call Dancing With The Stars.  Who ever is going to win this-will it be sweet, quirky Erin who has come so far; our dashing figure skater Evan; or the arguably professional dancer Nicole?  Gee, I’m not really sure.

finale3Winner, winner, invite the egotistical delusional bitch to dinner.

finale1In case you were confused.

The two hour finale opens with a group dance featuring all of the original stars, minus Ochocinco, who injured himself in a tragic masturbation accident. Oh wait, nevermind, apparently it was training for football. Right. Everyone was featured-Niecy was still jiggly, Pam was still skanky, Buzz was still old, and Shitler-well, that bitch can’t even walk with rhythm. I think the massive rod up her ass really gets in the way of her getting jiggy with it.

kate's stick
Apparently, even the Amish got sick of her.

First up, the final three danced their “favorite dance.” They all got to choose their favorite dance of the season to reperform, and were ranked from 1 to suck based on that performance. All three chose their Argentine Tango.

The Dolls up first-as much as I hate to say it, their Tango was even better this time around. P-Doll has the perfect legs for the intricate footwork of the tango, and their intensity was right on. It was sharp, precise, and passionate…and no one malfunctioned. Damn it. They were followed by Bartender and Anna, dancing again to the song “Bust Your Windows,” which is just brilliant for an Argentine Tango. They got a 30 with this dance the first time around, and I think they did it even better last night-the first time Bartender was so worried about being precise and strong that he was a bit shaky, but this time, relaxed but controlled. Also, Carrie Ann either got some bad botox or has some serious coke bloat going on, because she is looking a little chubby cat in the face.

finale4

fat-cat
Someone get this woman a new plastic surgeon, stat!

After Erin and Maks fight in rehearsal like usual (can you say foreplay, anyone?) they come out to perform their tango. It was totally on-the lift that simulates oral sex and all. Erin for once wasn’t all nervous and spazzy, she worked that shit like a girl who had just worked her man, if you know what I mean. Any doubts that I had that they were banging just went out the window after that. The judges had nothing bad to say to Erin, and went on and on about how hard it was going to be to read the script rank the couples. The ranks have a set score-1st gets 30, 2nd gets 28, 3rd gets 26. Total bullshit-I honestly think they were all perfect and this is ABC’s way to get the winner they want. 3rd place went to Erin and Maks, 2nd place to Bartender/Anna, and 1st place to The Dolls. I think I’m really biased here, but I don’t agree with those rankings at all. It may be my hate for the “artist” formerly known as Nicole, but Erin and Maks did not deserve a 26.

finale5You’re kidding us, right?

After that travesty, a montage of highlights from the season are shown, including the clip that brought about my extreme hatred for P-Doll-her quote, “I’m an artist, I’m not like other people.” An artist? Bitch, please. You can lip sync, shake your skinny ass, and strip to a good beat. You’re an artist as much as I’m going to be on the next season of DWTS. The line of people who want to go burn down this trick’s house starts HERE.

Mark Balls/Brenda Walsh, Aiden and Edyta, and Buzz/Ashley Misspelled perform a little ditty-all I have to say is Edyta is not from this world. Seriously.

finale6
You’re welcome.

As if this isn’t already an epic waste of our brain cells, and two hours that we could be spending wanking off to the Gaga episode of Glee, Weepy Vagina, the jersey shore whore he chose on The Douchelor, and poor Chelsie and Dmitry come out to waltz. It’s an okay performance in the sense that it’s a waltz, they used the most basic moves and flowy dresses and if you fuck that up you should go shoot yourself (hear that, Shitler?) But they did dance to that awful, awful ear abortion song, “On The Wings of Love.” At the end Vienna is all, I can’t believe I just did that! And WV is all, you were great! Then I puked.

finale7I hope Dmitry is able to clean off the fat and ugly after the show.

douchelor
I thought I could retire this graphic, but alas.

The audience is full of past winners who desperately need primetime screen time, such as Kelly Monaco, Apolo Anton Ohno, Joanna Poopa, and Shawn Johnson. It’s like the reality star unemployment office. Throw Lauren Conrad, Jon Gosselin, and a few members of a Real World/Road Rules challenge in there and you’ve got the next season of Celebrity Rehab. Or America’s Next Top Model. Whatevs.

An hour in, we learn who the couple is that is in third and no longer in contention for the mirror ball trophy. I suppose that is kind of merciful, actually-why subject yourself to more of this ridiculosity if you don’t have to? Give me third and pop me open a bottle of Jack Daniels, you know? Third place goes to….Erin and Maks. I knew that would happen, however, I really wanted Erin to nudge someone out and go for the top spot. She is a total class act, and talks about how she chose to do this show because her life has been hell for the last year and she wanted to get her smile back. And HOLY CRAP-even Maks cried during their goodbye clip package! Yeah, they’re totally doing it. All jokes aside, I truly like Erin and am glad she came as far as she did. Yay Erin, and I’ll see you later tonight, Maks. ;)

finale8
I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Rawr.

The last thing in the world P-Doll needs is more fodder for her ego, but she gets it with the finale of the College Ballroom Showdown-the Purdue team dances to “When I Grow Up” by the now defunct Pussycat Dolls. Actually, they are not defunct-they just have a totally new lineup. It’s Nicole and some new skanks, including Kherington from SYTYCD and Vanessa Curry, a former Laker girl that banged Kobe. Lovely. Utah Valley goes next, and kills it with a Samba. Winner winner chicken dinner.

finale9Just curious…what exactly do you do with a bachelor’s degree in Ballroom?

Does someone have an extra noose I can borrow? Because Shitler self promotion hour is on. Her hair is better, but her dancing is still awful. She pimps out all her upcoming shit on TLC, then she and Tony present their redux of the “Paparazzi” paso doble. Tony deserves a Nobel Peace Prize and a neverending supply of Xanax for putting up with this devil woman. This time around, I will give her this, it was slightly less painful. As in, instead of a tooth extraction without novocaine, it was still novocaine-less but someone threw you a Tylenol. It ended with her going into the air on a camera crane in hot pants to “I Will Survive.” And no, I didn’t make this up while on an acid trip, I swear.

finale10I wish her stardom was the result of hallucinogenic drugs.

finale11This is the shit nightmares are made of.

For the final dance of the contending couples, they got to choose their own styles and music. Bartender/Anna are doing a quickstep, The Dolls a jive. Nicole tries to make her interview in rehearsal rhyme, but I think her computer chip started smoking. “I like to dance with no pants cause I’m a skank. Wait, I think I messed up.”

To fill the boob quota of the evening, Niecy and Pam come out and dance a cute, cheeky burlesque number. The highlights-Pam and Damien try to recreate the lift that Bartender/Anna do in their Argentine Tango (the one with the female’s leg over the dude’s shoulder and spin) and fail miserably, and Niecy drops it LOW to “Bootylicious” by Beyonce. Hilarious. Also, Pam is high as a kite. The usual.

finale13

Grace and class FAIL.

finale14Don’t hurt nobody!!

So, the matter of the Dolls’ final dance. The jive, to “Proud Mary.” Of course this bitch is going to slaughter Tina Turner. Why doesn’t she string up some kittens and butterflies while she’s at it? Bias aside, it was okay…sloppy in places, nothing spectacular. They’re pretty sure they have this shit in the bag, they are just up there stroking their egos. In judging, Len flat out says that Nicole should be the winner. Not rigged at all. As suggested in the comments last week, I seriously want to start a Facebook page for “Derek Hough and Kirstie Alley-DWTS Season 11!” Yes, Ken Doll is a great choreographer. But it’s not hard when you’re partnered with a PROFESSIONAL DANCER. Not surprisingly, they get a perfect 30 from the judges.

And now for my sweeties. After crying over how much they love each other in the pre-dance package, Bartender and Anna come out and dnace a quickstep to “I Want You To Want Me.” It was super cute, and unlike The Dolls, they actually appeared to be putting in effort to perform a great routine. I thought it was great, and I am totally coveting Anna’s dress.

finale12Think I could get that in size chubby?

The judges all praise Bartender’s professionalism and performance growth, and give him only a 28. BOGUS! Personalities aside, if you are just comparing the final jive to the final quickstep, they were equal, if not a slight edge to the quickstep. I know I’m getting way too invested in this, but I think it’s rigged and it’s not fair. Bastards.

Not shockingly, the winner of the Mirrorball Trophy is announced, and it is….

Nicole “P-Doll” Scherzinger and Derek “Ken Doll” Hough!

finale15Now beat yourselves with it, please.

Ok, my Gasmic Darlings, thoughts? Let’s hash this out in the comments.  And don’t forget…next season starts September 20th! (I plan on drinking a whole lot between now and then:)

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife

It's not that she has a big ego, she just loves how awesome she is. Accordingly, she writes a pretty awesome blog, and has a pretty awesome gig writing for TVgasm, in addition to being a housewife/stay at home mom. Mommy to two, wife to one, still figuring out what she wants to do when she grows up.  You can find more HappyHousewife, albeit toned down, at www.kishafloren.com.  The mommy blog is just step one on the road to world domination.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Chooch
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 11:52 am

    What about Brooke “Boobs” Burke? Those chesticles were in my face ALL night!

  2. 2
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Dude, Chooch, I know, right? I meant to throw in a line about how she looked like a “sunshine sausage” with that yellow dress on. Who shit in the costume dept’s cheerios last night? They managed to make EVERYBODY look fat, even those that aren’t.

  3. 3
    smolls
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    “This is the shit nightmares are made of.” – pure gold!

    And thank you Chooch – I thought I was the only one who noticed. What the hell was going on with those things???

  4. 4
    smolls
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    BOOOO – the professional dancer, I mean, performer…no really, I mean dancer wins…SHOCKER!!! This whole season was rigged & I couldn’t agree with HappyHousewife more about the ranked dance…total BS!!
    IMHO – Erin should have won – she really showed improvement & isn’t a professional f’ing dancer!

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I thought the crane was taking Kate up to the rafters so she could sleep hanging by her feet and that’s why she was happy? No?

    The thing I noticed about Nicole’s final dance was…half the time she was shown from the waist up. Even production seemed to know that she was janking the choreography but had to make the 30 plausible.

    I think Evan & Anna lost it when Erin was factored into the final voting. She really didn’t have a chance to win but she was the spoiler who siphoned too many votes off of Evan and he had to make up 3% with the audience vote as it is. I saw it coming when he didn’t place first in the dance off, but it still disappointed me.

    Still, I think the real winners were Evan & Anna because they both came into the season as a taskmaster and Pinocchio but they developed a really cute, organic friendship that showed both of them in much better lights. Poor Nicole was just Derek’s tool to win and anoint him King of Dancing with the Stars. Even the rest of the cast didn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about her. Most of them went to talk to Evan, while Mark tried to dry hump Derek with the mirror ball trophy and they almost butted Nicole off the stage. It took Aiden to show her any kind of love. And then, of course, Kate and Pam found the camera with the light on and wandered over, too.

  6. 6
    2muchbravo
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    I’m glad someone else noticed of the “I’m not like other people,” comment. What a little snot! They really should have just given Miss Prissy Staaaah the trophy the first night and spared us all the misery of watching Shitler stomp around and Buzz’s wife try to smile (or move her face at all). What’s next ABC? Rockettes? Kristin Chenoweth? John Travolta?

    I didn’t see what happened after they got the trophy because I changed the channel as soon as I heard her first shriek. How could she act all, “We won?!” A coworker said Jimmy Kimmel slipped up earlier in the evening when he said Evan and Anna were going to be guests on his show last night. He always had the losers on. :-(

    I’m on board with the Facebook page HappyHousewife! Derek and Kirstie for season 11!!!

  7. 7
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    smolls-I completely agree!!

    vallegirl-YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS!:) Also, great call on Erin taking some of Evan’s vote. The athletic supporters (heh) were probably torn on whether to vote for the hot ESPN girl or the Olympic champion. I noticed what you did about Nicole getting shunned, but I took it as her personality turning everyone off so they didn’t really care about her. Again, I’m biased because I really, really dislike her, so of course I presume everyone else does too.

    2muchbravo-Yo, I’m creating that page tonight, I’ll totally leave the link here. Lois Aldrin for season 11 as well-that’s who Derek should get stuck with! I’m thinking she indulged in plastic surgery way before it was cool…or anyone was good at it. I wonder if the Scientolowhores would let Travolta in? I would totally pay to watch that shit.

  8. 8
    Izzie
    Posted May 26, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    There is NO way that Nicol-EGO won if the people’s votes really counted. The judges loved her and rigged it so she could win. Normal people don’t cotton to ego-manias who state, “I’m an artist. I’m not like other people.” No, you’re not. You’re more of an idiot than most people.

  9. 9
    marinerfan_3
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 1:15 am

    Absolutely rigged. I was with Evan and Anna from day 1, but I did love Erin and Maks.

  10. 10
    Jessikah
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 4:42 am

    Lool at the Jake graphic. I really enjoyed this season, I’m not going to lie and a part of that had to do with your recaps. So, thank you!

  11. 11
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Izzie and marinerfan-I know, right? Total BS. But the same thing happened with Donny last season. It should have been Mya’s win, but they wanted him to win, so he did.

    Jessikah-you are more than welcome, my dear! Next season starts Sept. 20th!

    Y’all-speaking of next season….I’m hearing rumors of Betty White and David “Massively Drunk” Hasselhoff! Your thoughts? Have you guys heard any rumors?

  12. 12
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Actually, I think the “fiasco” of Donny winning led to the heavy-handed pimping of Nicole – the greatest dancer ever in the world of all dance ta da!!

    I even think they cast Evan and paired him with Anna to be the boring, robotic counterpoint to the “sizzling, exciting” partnership that was supposed to be King Derek and Nicole the Divine. Except Evan showed that he was just awkward and nerdy, but essentially a really sweet person and Nicole was a high-maintenance pain in the ass, and the show was screwed. Otherwise, why not cast Johnny Weir, who was the more likely figure skater to make the transition? Even without a medal, he was more popular than Evan before the season began. Or put Evan with his pre-show friend, Cheryl Burke, instead of the seemingly until this season “cold taskmaster” Anna?

    As for next season? Please, no Betty White. She’s a fantastic person, but she’s also a frail woman in her 80s. Didn’t we already learn from Cloris and Buzz?

    But if they want ringers, get one of the tertiary characters from Glee. Harry Shum’s a professional dancer and choreographer, but I’m sure they can whip out the “but he doesn’t dance ballroom” and give him to Anna to make up for the failure of this season.

    (And thanks HappyHousewife. Making a recapper laugh just made my day.)

  13. 13
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Oh yeah, and the rumor I heard about next season is that Tony Blair is supposed to dance with Karina??!??!?

    I guess that could go a ways toward removing the neutered lapdog image he had when he left office.

  14. 14
    ohhhyeah
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    I’m just wondering why anyone thinks ABC cares who wins. It doesn’t make them more money. It doesn’t affect them in any way. In fact, it would be in their best interest to give the audience what it wants so again, why would they rig the competition? Just to piss people off? If anyone can come up with one, legitimately good reason I’d like to hear it.

  15. 15
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    I think last season Donny Osmond was a PR dream come true, not to mention the potential of using him in future projects-I wouldn’t be surprised if they would try to throw him a win just for that. As for this season, I think it had a lot to do with placating Derek Hough and his massive sized ego. He had threatened to leave to pursue other projects, so I think ABC locking down the win for him probably bought them another season or two of his talents, and the ratings that he brings.

  16. 16
    ohhhyeah
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 5:16 am

    So by your “logic,” if ABC hadn’t tampered with the competition Donny Osmond wouldn’t have won. But they wanted to give him a job in the future and felt that there’s no way he’d work on national television for them unless they bribed him with a win, apparently because Donny is already being bombarded with requests for his time and would never accept a lucrative job without an ugly trophy in his hand. The public really wanted Mya to win, but ABC said screw the chance of working in the future with the person who is the most popular with the public, we want Donny to win and will thus make it so. The question is, if Donny really was so popular that the execs at ABC felt they had to rig the competition to get him a win, why would the competition have to be rigged in the first place, since he own massive popularity would already have accomplished that on its own.? Don’t people vote for who they like most?

    Which brings us to Derek and much the same circumstance. In one breath you say that he is such a huge draw and fans would be devastated to lose him, and in the next you say the competition has to be rigged to get him votes for a win, because his massive fan base that purportedly wouldn’t watch the show without him would never actually, I don’t know, VOTE FOR HIM because they want to see him win.

    Which part of the circular, backwards, fairy tale logic am I supposed to believe first?

  17. 17
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 7:06 am

    Whoa, friend. We’re all fans here, just discussing the finale and throwing around hypotheses and what we think happened. We’re not hurting anyone, nor saying anything offensive to each other. In the same respect, I responded to you very kindly and strictly with my thoughts, and no slams against you personally. I’m not exactly sure why you are so angry and hostile, but CALM DOWN. It’s just a TV show!!! We’re just having fun, you might want to consider doing the same. It’ll be okay.

  18. 18
    ohhhyeah
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 5:23 am

    Well, if you say it’ll be okay I trust you. Hold me!

    In all seriousness, you hit upon my one kryptonite-like weakness, conspiracy theories. Yes they do set me off, no it wasn’t fair to you, and no, nothing I wrote was meant as a slam against you personally, even if it was harsh. Keep writing the funny, you’re good at it. Peace.

  19. 19
    HappyHousewife
    Posted May 30, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    It’s all good oh, I love ya!!!!

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