Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Seeing as it is finale week in all of TV land, I suppose it is time we wrap up the donkey show we affectionately call Dancing With The Stars. Who ever is going to win this-will it be sweet, quirky Erin who has come so far; our dashing figure skater Evan; or the arguably professional dancer Nicole? Gee, I’m not really sure.
Winner, winner, invite the egotistical delusional bitch to dinner.
In case you were confused.
The two hour finale opens with a group dance featuring all of the original stars, minus Ochocinco, who injured himself in a tragic masturbation accident. Oh wait, nevermind, apparently it was training for football. Right. Everyone was featured-Niecy was still jiggly, Pam was still skanky, Buzz was still old, and Shitler-well, that bitch can’t even walk with rhythm. I think the massive rod up her ass really gets in the way of her getting jiggy with it.
Apparently, even the Amish got sick of her.
First up, the final three danced their “favorite dance.” They all got to choose their favorite dance of the season to reperform, and were ranked from 1 to suck based on that performance. All three chose their Argentine Tango.
The Dolls up first-as much as I hate to say it, their Tango was even better this time around. P-Doll has the perfect legs for the intricate footwork of the tango, and their intensity was right on. It was sharp, precise, and passionate…and no one malfunctioned. Damn it. They were followed by Bartender and Anna, dancing again to the song “Bust Your Windows,” which is just brilliant for an Argentine Tango. They got a 30 with this dance the first time around, and I think they did it even better last night-the first time Bartender was so worried about being precise and strong that he was a bit shaky, but this time, relaxed but controlled. Also, Carrie Ann either got some bad botox or has some serious coke bloat going on, because she is looking a little chubby cat in the face.
Someone get this woman a new plastic surgeon, stat!
After Erin and Maks fight in rehearsal like usual (can you say foreplay, anyone?) they come out to perform their tango. It was totally on-the lift that simulates oral sex and all. Erin for once wasn’t all nervous and spazzy, she worked that shit like a girl who had just worked her man, if you know what I mean. Any doubts that I had that they were banging just went out the window after that. The judges had nothing bad to say to Erin, and went on and on about how hard it was going to be to read the script rank the couples. The ranks have a set score-1st gets 30, 2nd gets 28, 3rd gets 26. Total bullshit-I honestly think they were all perfect and this is ABC’s way to get the winner they want. 3rd place went to Erin and Maks, 2nd place to Bartender/Anna, and 1st place to The Dolls. I think I’m really biased here, but I don’t agree with those rankings at all. It may be my hate for the “artist” formerly known as Nicole, but Erin and Maks did not deserve a 26.
You’re kidding us, right?
After that travesty, a montage of highlights from the season are shown, including the clip that brought about my extreme hatred for P-Doll-her quote, “I’m an artist, I’m not like other people.” An artist? Bitch, please. You can lip sync, shake your skinny ass, and strip to a good beat. You’re an artist as much as I’m going to be on the next season of DWTS. The line of people who want to go burn down this trick’s house starts HERE.
Mark Balls/Brenda Walsh, Aiden and Edyta, and Buzz/Ashley Misspelled perform a little ditty-all I have to say is Edyta is not from this world. Seriously.
As if this isn’t already an epic waste of our brain cells, and two hours that we could be spending wanking off to the Gaga episode of Glee, Weepy Vagina, the jersey shore whore he chose on The Douchelor, and poor Chelsie and Dmitry come out to waltz. It’s an okay performance in the sense that it’s a waltz, they used the most basic moves and flowy dresses and if you fuck that up you should go shoot yourself (hear that, Shitler?) But they did dance to that awful, awful ear abortion song, “On The Wings of Love.” At the end Vienna is all, I can’t believe I just did that! And WV is all, you were great! Then I puked.
I hope Dmitry is able to clean off the fat and ugly after the show.
I thought I could retire this graphic, but alas.
The audience is full of past winners who desperately need primetime screen time, such as Kelly Monaco, Apolo Anton Ohno, Joanna Poopa, and Shawn Johnson. It’s like the reality star unemployment office. Throw Lauren Conrad, Jon Gosselin, and a few members of a Real World/Road Rules challenge in there and you’ve got the next season of Celebrity Rehab. Or America’s Next Top Model. Whatevs.
An hour in, we learn who the couple is that is in third and no longer in contention for the mirror ball trophy. I suppose that is kind of merciful, actually-why subject yourself to more of this ridiculosity if you don’t have to? Give me third and pop me open a bottle of Jack Daniels, you know? Third place goes to….Erin and Maks. I knew that would happen, however, I really wanted Erin to nudge someone out and go for the top spot. She is a total class act, and talks about how she chose to do this show because her life has been hell for the last year and she wanted to get her smile back. And HOLY CRAP-even Maks cried during their goodbye clip package! Yeah, they’re totally doing it. All jokes aside, I truly like Erin and am glad she came as far as she did. Yay Erin, and I’ll see you later tonight, Maks.
I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Rawr.
The last thing in the world P-Doll needs is more fodder for her ego, but she gets it with the finale of the College Ballroom Showdown-the Purdue team dances to “When I Grow Up” by the now defunct Pussycat Dolls. Actually, they are not defunct-they just have a totally new lineup. It’s Nicole and some new skanks, including Kherington from SYTYCD and Vanessa Curry, a former Laker girl that banged Kobe. Lovely. Utah Valley goes next, and kills it with a Samba. Winner winner chicken dinner.
Just curious…what exactly do you do with a bachelor’s degree in Ballroom?
Does someone have an extra noose I can borrow? Because Shitler self promotion hour is on. Her hair is better, but her dancing is still awful. She pimps out all her upcoming shit on TLC, then she and Tony present their redux of the “Paparazzi” paso doble. Tony deserves a Nobel Peace Prize and a neverending supply of Xanax for putting up with this devil woman. This time around, I will give her this, it was slightly less painful. As in, instead of a tooth extraction without novocaine, it was still novocaine-less but someone threw you a Tylenol. It ended with her going into the air on a camera crane in hot pants to “I Will Survive.” And no, I didn’t make this up while on an acid trip, I swear.
I wish her stardom was the result of hallucinogenic drugs.
This is the shit nightmares are made of.
For the final dance of the contending couples, they got to choose their own styles and music. Bartender/Anna are doing a quickstep, The Dolls a jive. Nicole tries to make her interview in rehearsal rhyme, but I think her computer chip started smoking. “I like to dance with no pants cause I’m a skank. Wait, I think I messed up.”
To fill the boob quota of the evening, Niecy and Pam come out and dance a cute, cheeky burlesque number. The highlights-Pam and Damien try to recreate the lift that Bartender/Anna do in their Argentine Tango (the one with the female’s leg over the dude’s shoulder and spin) and fail miserably, and Niecy drops it LOW to “Bootylicious” by Beyonce. Hilarious. Also, Pam is high as a kite. The usual.
Grace and class FAIL.
Don’t hurt nobody!!
So, the matter of the Dolls’ final dance. The jive, to “Proud Mary.” Of course this bitch is going to slaughter Tina Turner. Why doesn’t she string up some kittens and butterflies while she’s at it? Bias aside, it was okay…sloppy in places, nothing spectacular. They’re pretty sure they have this shit in the bag, they are just up there stroking their egos. In judging, Len flat out says that Nicole should be the winner. Not rigged at all. As suggested in the comments last week, I seriously want to start a Facebook page for “Derek Hough and Kirstie Alley-DWTS Season 11!” Yes, Ken Doll is a great choreographer. But it’s not hard when you’re partnered with a PROFESSIONAL DANCER. Not surprisingly, they get a perfect 30 from the judges.
And now for my sweeties. After crying over how much they love each other in the pre-dance package, Bartender and Anna come out and dnace a quickstep to “I Want You To Want Me.” It was super cute, and unlike The Dolls, they actually appeared to be putting in effort to perform a great routine. I thought it was great, and I am totally coveting Anna’s dress.
Think I could get that in size chubby?
The judges all praise Bartender’s professionalism and performance growth, and give him only a 28. BOGUS! Personalities aside, if you are just comparing the final jive to the final quickstep, they were equal, if not a slight edge to the quickstep. I know I’m getting way too invested in this, but I think it’s rigged and it’s not fair. Bastards.
Not shockingly, the winner of the Mirrorball Trophy is announced, and it is….
Nicole “P-Doll” Scherzinger and Derek “Ken Doll” Hough!
Now beat yourselves with it, please.
Ok, my Gasmic Darlings, thoughts? Let’s hash this out in the comments. And don’t forget…next season starts September 20th! (I plan on drinking a whole lot between now and then:)
Love and Bubbles,