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Monday, September 20, 2010
12:30 pm
28 Comments
Tagged: abc, cast, dancing with the stars, flipit, Happy Housewife, parody, premiere, spoof, TV, tvgasm
HappyHousewife and Flipit pre-screen the cast of Dancing With the Stars, which premieres tonight on ABC.
HappyHousewife: HappyHusband and I were watching TV last night when the promo for this season of DWTS came on. Seeing how being a reality TV aficionado is my responsibility in this relationship, he was utterly shocked to discover that A: there are two seasons of this a year, and B: this is the 11th incarnation of dancing with d-listers. I am not shocked, because, let’s face it. Aside from getting your own show, DWTS is actually as close to elite as reality TV is going to get for someone who is already in the public eye. Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Fit Club, etc, will take anyone with a few IMDB credits and a pulse (the pulse is actually negotiable for Celebrity Rehab-Dr. Drew is a doctor, you know). It could be argued that The Celebrity Apprentice is on the upper echelon of the food chain as well, but why on earth would you want to stare at The Donald’s awful weave every day when you could wear sequins and possibly catch a glimpse of Ken Doll’s ambiguous genitalia for yourself? Seriously. I’m thrilled to be back recapping this hot mess once again!
Flipit: Dancing With the Stars reminds me of watching TV in the maid’s room as a kid. I don’t get it, and I know I look like an asshole for watching it, but I always sneak in there when my mom’s not home to get jealous and threaten to fire Romana again because she’s stealing her son’s love. Glitter! Shininess! Gay guys who can put their ankles behind their heads! I watch the show with the volume turned all the way down so the neighbors don’t judge me, so for results night updates I’ll be doing pic recaps.
HappyHousewife: Let’s meet these bitches!
David Hasselhoff
HappyHousewife: I called this shit last season when they managed to snag Mrs. MethFace, Pamela Anderson. They should have actually saved up all the Baywatch folks throughout the years and done a Dancing With The Stars: The Beach Stole My Career special season! I predict that if The Hoff can actually stay halfway sober (which for him means totally drunk, but conscious and not puking or being verbally abusive to the judges) he might be able to pull this out over Brandy, reminiscent of Donny Osmond and Mya.
Flipit: Cheesy, smarmy, spray tanned 80′s hunk. This man is MADE for this show. I predict he will win the whole thing. Not that I will be rooting for that. Now KITT, I would root for.
Brandy
Flipit: When I did a search to find this picture, the caption was “Brandy Begs for Kinder, Gentler Blogging.” LOL! Good luck with that, sugar.
HappyHousewife: Speaking of Moesha here, let’s discuss. Obviously she’s the favorite coming in. She’s going to dance well every week. Her challenges are going to be overcoming that nasty little incident of killing someone with her car, and the fact that her crooked dicked brother is single-handedly responsible for the current Kardashian infection plaguing today’s pop culture. If fans manage to forget those little details, I think her talent and former popularity could shoo her in for the win.
Flipit: If you haven’t gotten your own reality show and a DWTS gig, you haven’t been trying hard enough…to run someone over.
The Situation
HappyHousewife: The Predicament here owes his agent a HUGE raise for scoring this gig. This is as close to a real Hollywood job this dude’s ever going to get. He better dance with straight up motherloving JOY every week for actually landing a paycheck like this one, seriously. And for the record? I don’t think his abs are that great. Kinda creepy, actually…they look like two sausages shoved vertically under his stomach skin. Ew. Not impressed. I am interested, however, to see if homey can actually dance or not.
Flipit: He will be in lycra pants every week. No one will complain. He does his buns too, right?
Kurt Warner
HappyHousewife: I am ambivalent so far regarding the former NFL quarterback. I think he is one of the greatest NFL success stories of all time and was one hell of a ball player, but he could have done better career wise than Dancing To Avoid Bankruptcy. On the other hand, athletes do great on this show, and he is famous for being the most successful underdog of all time…it may work well for him here. For every middle aged mom who is trying to figure out how to vote for Hasselhoff on her new iPhone, there will be a middle aged dad hiding in the kitchen voting for Kurt.
Flipit: First quarterback to appear on DWTS! I don’t understand why boys throw balls at each other so I have no idea who he is. I will say this, though: I don’t think he’s gonna look very good in a pink satin shirt and a feathered fedora, and you know they’re gonna make him wear that shit. I love watching big strong straight guys squirm.
Satin is mean to muffin tops.
Michael Bolton
HappyHousewife: “It was a great name until that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys!” There is just no way in Hades I could ever take this guy seriously. I think he’s going to be as shitty of a dancer as he was a singer, but if Hasselhoff is as much of a drunken mess as I’m counting on, he may grab the old lady vote. The thought of Michael Bolton making Grandma all wet in the panties…oh my gravy…please excuse me while I go vomit and gargle some bleach.
Flipit: Whatever went down with Nicolette Sheridan preceding the breakup of their engagement a couple of years ago, he should just stop whatever he’s doing right now, call her ass, and APOLOGIZE. Get the spare key and credit card back, brother. Cuz this is gonna be painful for everyone involved.
Bristol Palin
HappyHousewife: Bitch is famous for having a world class moron for a mother and for getting knocked up as a teenager. If that’s all it takes to get a DWTS contract, why isn’t ABC knocking down my little sister’s door? I read a bullshit publicist-planted article about Kate Gosselin offering herself up as a mentor for Bristol, and that actually seems just about right to me-she is definitely this season’s Kate-only here for tabloid buzz and hopefully a ratings boost. She is quite experienced in dealing with douchebags (hello, baby daddy), so she should be able to hold her own in this cast.
Flipit: She’s been knocked up, dissed all over the media, and dumped twice by Levi. You gotta feel for the girl. I’m rooting for her. To get pregnant and dumped again. It’s fun every time. Kidding! I don’t know much about her, but I do know that she’s seen Levi naked and so if I ran into her on the street I would def try to befriend her. He might come over at some point to pick up the rest of his things and I could be waiting with a plate of cookies or something.
Jennifer Grey
HappyHousewife: Nobody puts Baby in the corner, damn it, and J.Grey here is getting my votes this season for nothing more than sentimentality’s sake! She may do well in the voting thanks to the younger moms like myself who all cut our sexual desire teeth on Johnny Castle and Dirty Dancing, and if she has kept up her latin ballroom skills she may do well in the performance as well! Girlfriend should probably lay off the plastic surgery, though-while I understand the nose job, the rest of her face is pulled tighter than The Berge’s asshole when Bruno walks into the room, if ya know what I’m saying.
Flipit: Dad Joel Grey is wandering around his apartment right now angrily muttering “has my career meant NOTHING?!?!” to himself over and over again.
Florence Henderson
HappyHousewife: Meh. Betty White would have been WAY better as the token old person. It would serve Florence well to be snarky, witty, and just a bit pervy (much like Betty herself) to make herself relevant to the younger folks, and really work the Carol Brady card as hard as she can. What Jennifer Grey is to my generation, Florence could be to my mom’s. She won’t be the first to go.
Flipit: Carol Brady!!! YEAYAYAY! She was riveting in all those Crisco ads back in the day. There’s a lot of that used on this show, so she’ll feel right at home.
Audrina Patridge
HappyHousewife: I’m concerned for poor little Droopy Eyes here, because I seriously doubt her ability to you know, like breathe and perform dance steps at the same time. I worry she’s either going to not be able to remember the steps, or forget to breathe and die from asphyxiation right there on the dance floor. However, if someone is off camera holding cue cards, she’ll probably be okay, seeing how she managed to live her life that way for years on the Hills.
Inhale!
5,6,7,8
Exhale!
1,2,3,4
Blink!
Inhale!
Twirl!
5,6,7,8
Flipit: Ole Dead Eyes. She’s had a couple of years to get used to her new boobs, so I’m hoping they don’t make her topple over. A spill would be very bad. Saline is slippery and I really like Florence Henderson. She’ll fall. Dead Eyes is vacant, plastic, and anorexic. She’ll fit right in on this show.
Rick Fox
HappyHousewife: This guy is weird to me. He looks kinda slimy, like he was going to be a “massage parlor” owner or something but the basketball career worked out so he went with that instead. You can put the creepy into thousand dollar suits, but you can’t take the creepy out of the face, you know what I’m saying? However, his appearance on the show means I might get to see his fiancee, Eliza Dushku, who I have had a massive girl crush on since “Bring It On”. Also, what’s up with two athletes in the same season? YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DEVIATE FROM THE FORMULA, ABC. Get it straight.
Flipit: I want to make fun of him, but I can’t stop staring into his eyes. Wow. I’d get a third job for that man. I hope he loses first or I won’t be able to concentrate.
Margaret Cho
HappyHousewife: Large Marge Cho-Cha here is going to be fighting with J.Grey for my votes. Forgot about this bitch and how much I love her! Kinda bummed she has to be the token fat girl in the formula, seeing how she really isn’t that fat anymore, but what are you going to do? At least she’ll pull in the fat chick vote-’cause you know they’re definitely home and voting. (I can say that because I am a fat chick. Save the hate mail.)
Flipit: On the gayest show on TV, there aren’t many gay stars. I feel like this is an apology from ABC. “Sorry, enjoy the fag hag. Love, ABC.” ACCEPTED!! Homosexuality will be rejoicing tonight! I hope she does an entire number as her mom. LOVE HER.
Kyle Massey
HappyHousewife: Who?
Flipit: Yay! Gary Coleman’s alive!
HappyHousewife will be recapping Dancing With the Stars performance night episodes this season, and Flipit will be doing pic-caps of results night. See you then!
TV Social
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28 Comments
“For every middle aged mom who is trying to figure out how to vote for Hasselhoff on her new iPhone, there will be a middle aged dad hiding in the kitchen voting for Kurt.”
LOVED this line…but I would be more impressed if they had managed to get Brett Favre to retire, then be on this show. (And I say that as a Favre fan…)
Jennifer Grey lost me as a fan when she mutilated her face, thereby annihilating what had been a wonderfully identifiable face.
What’s an “Audrina Partridge?”
Kurt Warner…was he a Seahawk?? His name sound familiar to me, and I am from Seattle, so I kind of only follow Seahawks. Umm I don’t really think it is fair to all the other “dancers” that Brandy is on! I mean come on, she was big in the Late 90′s, She has to much street cred as a dancer! I think Ole Dead Eyes will be one of the first to go!
I can see Kyle, Marg Cho, Dead Eyes, and Mrs. Brady being picked off quickly and maybe in that order (and throw in Bolton and Fox to follow soon after) … Them nor their dance partners have the fan base to keep them going for long. They will have to pull a Giles Marini to make it even midway through the competition and the safe money is on it won’t happen
Maybe Rick Fox will be like Jason Taylor? I think he has the potential to be more graceful than Kurt Warner–but who doesn’t love Kurt Warner?
Favre may be retiring soon, voluntarily or not voluntarily, considering the way his season has gone so far.
Seriously, who is this Kyle kid? He’s cute, anyhow.
I liked Jennifer Grey’s old nose.
I hope they don’t turn Florence Henderson into another Cloris Leachman, baring her cleavage and dry humping with “Corky.” At least she has some dancing background, I believe. (Wasn’t she in some musicals?)
Fox is 6’7″, though and even in heels Cheryl will be at least a foot shorter than him. I expect him to be a better dancer than Clyde Drexler who, for some reason, could never shake his dignity enough to do well, but the height difference will be laughable.
Warner got lucky to dance with Anna. According to Evan last season, since they put together their own costumes, and Anna is the least magpie-y dancers, Kurt won’t be forced to wear any more satin or sequins than he’s comfortable with. And I am grateful for that, because I don’t want to see him in a banana yellow zoot suit.
Hey! Kurt Warner is way ahead of this lot of guys. He doesn’t need any more money, he signed up because his wife is a fan. Not only does he have the grocery bagger to Superbowl winner story.. he has more you will hear about. I for one 40ish wife will be voting for him every week.He hasn’t had a drug or alcohol problem,cheating on his wife problem, leaving his team only to return every year problem…. He has a chance at winning this thing… well, if he can dance that is.
Hey!!! Where is Edyta this season??
I listened to an interview and she wanted more in life than DWTS. They restricted what she could do including going back to school. So she said she was returning to school to get a buisness degree and still be able to dance where and when she wanted.
@vallegirl, Jason Taylor is 6’6″, so not too different. Who was Jason’s partner?
Kurt Warner just doesn’t seem light-footed to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love him (I’m from Arizona, and he almost won the Super Bowl for us), and I hope he does great.
Didn’t they always pair Edyta up with the bad dancers anyway? It never seemed like she lasted very long. Or maybe she wasn’t a good coach. She’ll probably be back.
Edyta should get her degree online. Then she could stay on DWTS. I imagine it pays better than her other gigs.
Jason Taylor plays for the Jets now. He did great yesterday. Miami was displeased because they thought he focused too much on DWTS–so they lost a good player. They also had a shot at getting Drew Brees a couple years ago and blew that, too. (Sorry about the football talk, guys!)
Hey, I’m old(ish) and I would never vote for Bolton or Hasselhoff. I’d vote for who I thought was the best.
Talk radio here in AZ today had Kurt’s Partner on and she said he had great footwork but his posture was lacking… So we have something to look forward too. the Waltz needs posture!!!!!
Dancing with the Stars has lost a lot of my interest over the years but I’m totally excited for Margaret Cho- love her! I get the feeling watching Audrina is gonna be a lot like watching Kim Kardashian- both seem like they don’t have anything to say (vacant is the perfect term for it) and just rely on being pretty so I can’t imagine she would be too interesting to watch. Really wish if they were gonna pick someone from the Hills they had picked someone that had a little bit more of a personality- glad at least they didn’t pick Heidi and Spencer but Audrina’s only just a hair better.
Audrina, Kyle and Brandy were awesome!
Reiray, I am going to speak in defense of Audrina here…. she is lacking in certain aspects of life but she is much much better than “a hair better” than Spidi. If either the flesh colored beard or the wifee were on DWTS I would have to drive over to LA, Hunt down the right studio, hide behind the sequined racks of costumes, wait for the opportunity to kidnap which ever spencer was there, drive them out into the desert and leave them there amoung the cacti and joshua trees, alone, without water, and high tail it back to my couch in time for the report of rejoicing because the said spencer did not show up to dance on the live show.
But Reiray, I am with you on Margaret Cho, I bet she crys at some point like Kelly Osborn did…. I just get that feeling from her. And I know She would help me get The Spencer in my trunk if I asked for help.
Kyle for the win! He was awesome. And at 43, I am not exactly in his fanbase demographic.
Brandy and Jennifer Grey both did very well, but that’s not surprising. What WAS surprising was that Audrina was really good! Who knew?
I also really enjoyed Kyle Massey — I love a contestant who just gets into it and has fun.
I thought Margaret Cho did a good job — she looked like she had good form and technique. I don’t understand how the judges could give her such heavy criticism and then turn around and praise some performers who were FAR less talented.
I can’t wait for the recap but this morning we are dishing and eating this all up in the forums….. coem join us..
http://www.tvgasm.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=40&t=10338&p=143564#p143564
Well, after watching I will change my tune. Bolton, Cho, Henderson and The Hoff should be the first 4 to go and in any order.
Team Cho!!!
Hey y’all! I am so surprised by last night…most people that I thought would be awful were good, and the ones I thought would be good were all suckish! Ahhhh! Working on the recap now, will be up this afternoon! Who were y’all most shocked by?
Dang, people actually liked Audrina? Really? I feel like I must have been watching a different show. I don’t know who she is and don’t know what show she’s on, so I have no vested interest one way or another. But she was stiff as a board and had no personality on the dance floor — like Reiray predicted: very Kim Kardashian as a dancer (I’d rank her around where I ranked Bristol Palin dancewise). I liked Kyle (another one who I don’t know) and Jennifer Gray the most. Hof (shut yer damn piehole when you dance), “The Situation” (Really? Really? Who is this freakin’ idiot? Ugh the world is a pathetic place sometimes), and a few others were downright painful to watch. The rest, I’ll wait to see how they evolve.
Looking forward to your recap, HH!
I was with Carrie Anne and genuinely surprised that Bristol wasn’t a complete dud. Nervous and mute, sure, but she was game and had some skills that could improve.
And watching Warner, I was surprised that he did seem light on his feet and had the seeds of decent footwork, but I was a little disappointed that he didn’t connect posture and extension to his throwing motion. QBs of all the players need decent posture and extension just to throw the ball over the defensive line. It looked like his insecurities overrode his natural instincts and he kept curling in on himself. I hope he makes it to next week and works that out.
And Rick Fox really did do well to compensate for his height.
Oh yeah, and I’m going to find a way to work “I know you have the guns, but you don’t have the ammunition” into every conversation.
LOL Vallegirl. That Len is quick sometimes, eh? Or maybe he rehearsed it in advance. Either way, funny, and definitely worth working into the routine
For those of you that don’t know, Kyle Massey is popular on the Disney Channel. I’m 23 and when “That’s So Raven” was popular even I was almost a little too old for it so most of his fan base is going to be preeettyyy young.
Audrina is an idiot but she actually did pretty well. The Situation did god awful but let’s face it if he got voted off DWTS would lose a good amount of viewers… he is absolutely hilarious.. in a douchey kinda way.
I’m kind of glad the hoff got voted off.. especially since he really didn’t seem to care either way so atleast it wasnt someone who really truly wanted it
I won’t get dogmatic about this, but it’s probably best to discuss the results before they’ve aired on the West Coast, in the forums instead of in a thread that has nothing to do with even the performances let alone the results.
But it does save me the pains of watching two hours of non-results.
+1 vallegirl
I was about to say the same thing; I’m currently living in another country and won’t be seeing the results show until about eight hours from now. I know it’s the internet and spoilers abound, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a Cast Preview recap to be free of them, right?
OMG I’m totally pissed right now. I came here to read up on any new comments since I last posted. I haven’t watched the results show yet — I DVR’d it last night because I can’t stay up that late. What the EFF, Veronica? Really? Well, thanks for saving me an hour, I guess? I would never have guessed that someone would post results on a pre-show posting. WTF? Ugh, can someone delete that before it spoils it for someone else?