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HappyHousewife and Flipit pre-screen the cast of Dancing With the Stars, which premieres tonight on ABC.
HappyHousewife: HappyHusband and I were watching TV last night when the promo for this season of DWTS came on. Seeing how being a reality TV aficionado is my responsibility in this relationship, he was utterly shocked to discover that A: there are two seasons of this a year, and B: this is the 11th incarnation of dancing with d-listers. I am not shocked, because, let’s face it. Aside from getting your own show, DWTS is actually as close to elite as reality TV is going to get for someone who is already in the public eye. Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Fit Club, etc, will take anyone with a few IMDB credits and a pulse (the pulse is actually negotiable for Celebrity Rehab-Dr. Drew is a doctor, you know). It could be argued that The Celebrity Apprentice is on the upper echelon of the food chain as well, but why on earth would you want to stare at The Donald’s awful weave every day when you could wear sequins and possibly catch a glimpse of Ken Doll’s ambiguous genitalia for yourself? Seriously. I’m thrilled to be back recapping this hot mess once again!
Flipit: Dancing With the Stars reminds me of watching TV in the maid’s room as a kid. I don’t get it, and I know I look like an asshole for watching it, but I always sneak in there when my mom’s not home to get jealous and threaten to fire Romana again because she’s stealing her son’s love. Glitter! Shininess! Gay guys who can put their ankles behind their heads! I watch the show with the volume turned all the way down so the neighbors don’t judge me, so for results night updates I’ll be doing pic recaps.
HappyHousewife: Let’s meet these bitches!
HappyHousewife: I called this shit last season when they managed to snag Mrs. MethFace, Pamela Anderson. They should have actually saved up all the Baywatch folks throughout the years and done a Dancing With The Stars: The Beach Stole My Career special season! I predict that if The Hoff can actually stay halfway sober (which for him means totally drunk, but conscious and not puking or being verbally abusive to the judges) he might be able to pull this out over Brandy, reminiscent of Donny Osmond and Mya.
Flipit: Cheesy, smarmy, spray tanned 80′s hunk. This man is MADE for this show. I predict he will win the whole thing. Not that I will be rooting for that. Now KITT, I would root for.
Flipit: When I did a search to find this picture, the caption was “Brandy Begs for Kinder, Gentler Blogging.” LOL! Good luck with that, sugar.
HappyHousewife: Speaking of Moesha here, let’s discuss. Obviously she’s the favorite coming in. She’s going to dance well every week. Her challenges are going to be overcoming that nasty little incident of killing someone with her car, and the fact that her crooked dicked brother is single-handedly responsible for the current Kardashian infection plaguing today’s pop culture. If fans manage to forget those little details, I think her talent and former popularity could shoo her in for the win.
Flipit: If you haven’t gotten your own reality show and a DWTS gig, you haven’t been trying hard enough…to run someone over.
HappyHousewife: The Predicament here owes his agent a HUGE raise for scoring this gig. This is as close to a real Hollywood job this dude’s ever going to get. He better dance with straight up motherloving JOY every week for actually landing a paycheck like this one, seriously. And for the record? I don’t think his abs are that great. Kinda creepy, actually…they look like two sausages shoved vertically under his stomach skin. Ew. Not impressed. I am interested, however, to see if homey can actually dance or not.
Flipit: He will be in lycra pants every week. No one will complain. He does his buns too, right?
HappyHousewife: I am ambivalent so far regarding the former NFL quarterback. I think he is one of the greatest NFL success stories of all time and was one hell of a ball player, but he could have done better career wise than Dancing To Avoid Bankruptcy. On the other hand, athletes do great on this show, and he is famous for being the most successful underdog of all time…it may work well for him here. For every middle aged mom who is trying to figure out how to vote for Hasselhoff on her new iPhone, there will be a middle aged dad hiding in the kitchen voting for Kurt.
Flipit: First quarterback to appear on DWTS! I don’t understand why boys throw balls at each other so I have no idea who he is. I will say this, though: I don’t think he’s gonna look very good in a pink satin shirt and a feathered fedora, and you know they’re gonna make him wear that shit. I love watching big strong straight guys squirm.
Satin is mean to muffin tops.
HappyHousewife: “It was a great name until that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys!” There is just no way in Hades I could ever take this guy seriously. I think he’s going to be as shitty of a dancer as he was a singer, but if Hasselhoff is as much of a drunken mess as I’m counting on, he may grab the old lady vote. The thought of Michael Bolton making Grandma all wet in the panties…oh my gravy…please excuse me while I go vomit and gargle some bleach.
Flipit: Whatever went down with Nicolette Sheridan preceding the breakup of their engagement a couple of years ago, he should just stop whatever he’s doing right now, call her ass, and APOLOGIZE. Get the spare key and credit card back, brother. Cuz this is gonna be painful for everyone involved.
HappyHousewife: Bitch is famous for having a world class moron for a mother and for getting knocked up as a teenager. If that’s all it takes to get a DWTS contract, why isn’t ABC knocking down my little sister’s door? I read a bullshit publicist-planted article about Kate Gosselin offering herself up as a mentor for Bristol, and that actually seems just about right to me-she is definitely this season’s Kate-only here for tabloid buzz and hopefully a ratings boost. She is quite experienced in dealing with douchebags (hello, baby daddy), so she should be able to hold her own in this cast.
Flipit: She’s been knocked up, dissed all over the media, and dumped twice by Levi. You gotta feel for the girl. I’m rooting for her. To get pregnant and dumped again. It’s fun every time. Kidding! I don’t know much about her, but I do know that she’s seen Levi naked and so if I ran into her on the street I would def try to befriend her. He might come over at some point to pick up the rest of his things and I could be waiting with a plate of cookies or something.
HappyHousewife: Nobody puts Baby in the corner, damn it, and J.Grey here is getting my votes this season for nothing more than sentimentality’s sake! She may do well in the voting thanks to the younger moms like myself who all cut our sexual desire teeth on Johnny Castle and Dirty Dancing, and if she has kept up her latin ballroom skills she may do well in the performance as well! Girlfriend should probably lay off the plastic surgery, though-while I understand the nose job, the rest of her face is pulled tighter than The Berge’s asshole when Bruno walks into the room, if ya know what I’m saying.
Flipit: Dad Joel Grey is wandering around his apartment right now angrily muttering “has my career meant NOTHING?!?!” to himself over and over again.
HappyHousewife: Meh. Betty White would have been WAY better as the token old person. It would serve Florence well to be snarky, witty, and just a bit pervy (much like Betty herself) to make herself relevant to the younger folks, and really work the Carol Brady card as hard as she can. What Jennifer Grey is to my generation, Florence could be to my mom’s. She won’t be the first to go.
Flipit: Carol Brady!!! YEAYAYAY! She was riveting in all those Crisco ads back in the day. There’s a lot of that used on this show, so she’ll feel right at home.
HappyHousewife: I’m concerned for poor little Droopy Eyes here, because I seriously doubt her ability to you know, like breathe and perform dance steps at the same time. I worry she’s either going to not be able to remember the steps, or forget to breathe and die from asphyxiation right there on the dance floor. However, if someone is off camera holding cue cards, she’ll probably be okay, seeing how she managed to live her life that way for years on the Hills.
Flipit: Ole Dead Eyes. She’s had a couple of years to get used to her new boobs, so I’m hoping they don’t make her topple over. A spill would be very bad. Saline is slippery and I really like Florence Henderson. She’ll fall. Dead Eyes is vacant, plastic, and anorexic. She’ll fit right in on this show.
HappyHousewife: This guy is weird to me. He looks kinda slimy, like he was going to be a “massage parlor” owner or something but the basketball career worked out so he went with that instead. You can put the creepy into thousand dollar suits, but you can’t take the creepy out of the face, you know what I’m saying? However, his appearance on the show means I might get to see his fiancee, Eliza Dushku, who I have had a massive girl crush on since “Bring It On”. Also, what’s up with two athletes in the same season? YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DEVIATE FROM THE FORMULA, ABC. Get it straight.
Flipit: I want to make fun of him, but I can’t stop staring into his eyes. Wow. I’d get a third job for that man. I hope he loses first or I won’t be able to concentrate.
HappyHousewife: Large Marge Cho-Cha here is going to be fighting with J.Grey for my votes. Forgot about this bitch and how much I love her! Kinda bummed she has to be the token fat girl in the formula, seeing how she really isn’t that fat anymore, but what are you going to do? At least she’ll pull in the fat chick vote-’cause you know they’re definitely home and voting. (I can say that because I am a fat chick. Save the hate mail.)
Flipit: On the gayest show on TV, there aren’t many gay stars. I feel like this is an apology from ABC. “Sorry, enjoy the fag hag. Love, ABC.” ACCEPTED!! Homosexuality will be rejoicing tonight! I hope she does an entire number as her mom. LOVE HER.
Flipit: Yay! Gary Coleman’s alive!
HappyHousewife will be recapping Dancing With the Stars performance night episodes this season, and Flipit will be doing pic-caps of results night. See you then!