This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show. It’s like all of America ran out to the drug store and got a big prescription of Monistat, because dear Weepy Vagina has finally been eliminated-presumably to seek treatment for being such a raging douchaholic.
This will be his next show, on VH1, of course.
What’s up, my Gasmic darlings? How are we all today? Ready for the motherforkin’ weekend? Me too. First, there’s a little matter of this results show recap. I’m still mourning the loss of that wench Shitler, because with her baby kicking dance skills she took half my material. We shall try to muddle on!
Proof that lightning can strike twice…1st, the miracle that was her career, 2nd-her vagina.
We open with The Berge and The Brooke reminding us that P-Doll and Ken Doll are still at the top, but their partners in kicking ass, Bartender/Anna, fell to the middle of the pack.
Thanks for rubbing that in, dickhead.
Everyone is off the stairs and back on the floor-and thank goodness, we wouldn’t want Pam’s anyone’s drunk ass falling down the stairs and rupturing an implant kidney, now would we? Speaking of skanks, CrazyCatLady was spot on with her Sophia Loren comparison, but we’re only missing one thing-class. You can put lipstick on a pig and all….
….but it’s still a whore.
Time for a result. After this, go get a drink. Come back in about 45. You won’t miss anything.
First couple safe is…..
Erin and Maks!
They’re totally doing it, by the way.
I’m totally coveting her hair, however. It’s gorgeous.
BTdubs-what the hell did Weepy Vagina make Chelsie wear? My mom always used to stay up super late on Christmas Eve to wrap all of our presents, and sometimes she’d have a wee too much eggnog and end up taping random scraps together to fully cover a present.
Don’t worry honey, Santa was just a little woozy after that LONG sleigh ride.
This week was the first time the dancers had to perform two dances in one night. I beg to differ-I would call that swing marathon anything but a choreographed dance. A sloppy circle jerk maybe, but seriously.
Time for Len’s rundown of events-some couples gave a great performance, and some gave great technique, but he feels that there wasn’t a couple that managed to give both.
He thought P-Doll and Ken Doll’s samba was all sizzle, no substance.
Sorry, dude, Mattel only gave me the single core processor. You gotta send me back for the dual core!
Len’s attempt at a funny-Evan has fallen from Heaven. Dude, don’t even try. Or at least do it BEFORE you take your nighttime meds. The judges’ standpoint was that Bartender had great lyrical lines, but not so hot samba moves. And granted, I agree. However-Derek missed all the technical steps he was supposed to include and Maks, god love him, was too busy stripping to actually choreograph anything and they still managed nines and tens. I think Bartender got screwed, and not in the good way.
Did someone change the channel to Stars On Ice Tribute to Scarface?
WV, Niecy, and Methy were all near the bottom.
What Len loves about WV is that he always has 100% commitment, and also says that he thinks WV’s stumble was due to the stairs in front of the judge’s table, not a mistake in his footwork.
I know, that shit burns, right? Makes you want to wipe your twat with sandpaper. Might want to invest in some diflucan.
Methy’s tango was passionate and smoldering, but lacked the necessary intricacy in the footwork.
Dude, give her a break-she can’t hold back the skank and worry about footwork all at the same time.
Len actually liked Niecy’s tango, he thought the humor and props didn’t interfere with the dance. As much as I love Niecy, I didn’t really like the tango…we get it. You’re a big girl. You don’t have to joke about it, you don’t have to remind us every five seconds. This one’s for the thick girls. Got it.
Because every fat girl will beg for a cookie. You’re so wrong. I prefer brownies.
Erin/Maks and Mophead/Ochostinko were the breakthrough couples of the evening.
Mophead and Ochostinko’s tango was strong and, of course, “a revelation”. Even I have to admit, it was good. For once, Ocho managed to be strong and understated, instead of confused and trying too hard. They deserved the scores they got-I actually think a 9 should have been thrown in.
Is it just me or does Chad strongly resemble a Koopa Troopa?
And for those who don’t understand the Mophead reference-
Compare to this
Len thought Erin showed loads of potential in her samba, but that Maks getting naked was a distraction. While the last thing I’m going to do is complain about Baby Daddy getting naked, I actually agree. Girlfriend can dance! The only thing more distracting than her nose was Maks showing off and effing around.
Save it for the bedroom, honey.
All in all, Len thought it was a great night. I’ll agree with him….
….because he scares me.
Encore dance….Ochostinko showing us how he scores a touchdown. Lame joke. Sorry.
I hope you took some Pine-Sol to that shit first.
At least the filler is decent tonight….everybody’s favorite crazy lesbian rock singer…Melissa Etheridge.
I’m still not over the whole David Crosby thing, sorry.
I mean, how much pot do you have to smoke to pick this guy as your baby daddy?
But I’m just glad her album is coming out, because maybe that means they’ll stop playing her single every five seconds on the cable adult alternative music channel I favor.
Next couple safe is…..
Everyone’s favorite household cleaning item and Super Mario Bros. villain….
Mophead and Ochostinko!
More filler-some spanish guitar player that was about as exciting as the Shakira wannabe last week. Meh.
What do you expect? It’s a recession. They couldn’t afford Santana.
Then some dudes from ESPN come on to analyze the athleticism of the pro dancers and how superior they are to we peasants.
He’s got 38 inches between his legs? I’d say superior. How does he walk?
The Brooke is channeling J-Lo tonight.
It makes me want to lip sync badly and fuck Ben Affleck.
And I wonder every time, did she really mean to name her kids after the characters in the cartoon “Dragon Tales”? Everytime my kids watch that show I wonder if J-Lo is really that fucking stupid or if it was just a coincidence. I vote for fucking stupid.
More M. Eth….ha ha, see what I did there?
The only woman in the world who screams at the sight of Maks shirtless.
Next couple safe is…
P-Doll and Ken Doll.
Thank god, I really don’t want to go back to the toy store.
Weepy Vagina and Chelsie? Still in jeopardy.
The Brooke interviews the four stars still in jeopardy-Niecy, WV, Methy, and Bartender. Methy’s looking at Bartender like he’s a juicy steak she wants to eat for breakfast.
Run, my little buddy Evan, RUN!!!!
Out of those four, the next couple safe is………
Methy and Steve Irwin!!!
Um, yeah. Can you save that kind of celebrating for after the show?
First couple in the bottom two is….
Weepy Vagina and Chelsie.
Get the kleenex ready.
The couple that is safe is….
Bartender and Anna.
Which means the others in the bottom two are Niecy and Louis. Bastard voters.
But the couple going home is…..Weepy Vagina and Chelsie.
He then actually takes the mic from The Berge, starts thanking everyone and their mom, and crying. Literally crying.
Thank you for keeping me here for six episodes….and paying six months of my rent. That’s 180 days I have to find a new show to exploit my fuckery.
So, what do you think, my darlings? Did America get it right? I honestly thought it was going to be Pam or Niecy…obvs Jake was the one I wanted to go, but I figured it would be one of them because I thought Jake was going to pick up Kate’s voters. Pam seems to have toned down the skank enough to get some votes on her side, and hopefully Niecy can keep being her charming self and keep herself safe. Who’s turn is it to fail next week? I’m not sure, but I’ll see you here!!!
Love and Bubbles,