This week on Dancing With The Stars: The Results Show….Millions of wives the country over take away their husband’s iPhones, resulting in MethBoobs and Erin to end up in the bottom two.
Poor, demure, sweet Pammy takes the hit (that’s nothing new, I suppose) and ends her shot at a career with clothes on.
How’s Tommy’s career doing? Is he in the market to sell another sex tape?”
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I have absolutely no excuse for the lateness of this here recap. I was ill last week-I had a fever for three days. No wonder my kids are such assholes when they are sick-a fever is enough to make you feel like the smegma that is in Pam’s underwear after a night on the town. Oh wait-she doesn’t wear panties. Make that Bruno’s panties, then. And this weekend, I was feeling much better, so I spent it getting drunk celebrating my motherhood. In a very classy way, I can assure you. Definitely not Bud Light Tallboys on the beach. No way.
In my defense, it was 70 and sunny in Seattle. And it’s been five years and I haven’t killed a child yet. Cause for celebration.”
Forgiven me yet, or do I need to share some pills? Let me know. Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand-our little friends over at Dancing With The Stars. I will apologize if today’s recap is a little short. It is not because I don’t care, I’m actually quite hooked on this little donkey show. It is because I am running out of stuff to write about-with the dwindling list of contestants, and lack of real guest performers like AI, the 42 minute results show are filled with 6 recaps of the leader board, calling couples up to reveal their fate and instead just telling them they are still in jeopardy, four clips of Maks yelling with his sexy ass accent, seven clips of P-Doll whining like the delusional, entitled, no talent bitch that she is, Niecy making ten self deprecating fat girl jokes, and 37 minutes of The Berge wishing he were drunk. Wow, I just recapped the whole show! HappyHusband, pour me a double!
Just kidding, I’m not getting off that easy. According to the opening voiceover, tonight will be an extra shocking elimination! Way more shocking than the previous six extra shocking eliminations!
You eliminated everybody? Now that’s shocking.
In other non-shocking news, the hair/makeup/costume department continues entertaining themselves by putting The Brooke into a slamming dress with a totally jacked up hair style.
Is it Flock of Seagulls tribute night?
Right off the bat, The Berge calls down two couples, P-Doll and Ken Doll…
I know dominatrixes are supposed to be cranky, but I think she’s a little extreme….
….and Maks and Erin….
I NO afraid of silly boy barbie doll!!!
….and tells us that one of these couples is definitely in the bottom two. Please let it be the plastic pair, please let it be the plastic pair, pleasepleaseplease….
He even looks good in red.
Jerks. It’s Maks and Erin. No worries, though, I think they’ll be here until the end-mark my words, top three is PDoll/Ken Doll, Bartender/Anna, Erin/Maks. Call your bookie, make your bets, let him know HH sent ya and he’ll give you my discount.
Now it’s time for The World According to Fruitcake, aka-last night’s performance recap by Len.
Old dudes shouldn’t wear lime green. Just saying.
Erin and Maks danced a very good quickstep, her best dance of the season-it also garnered her the highest scores she’s gotten so far this year. I also love that she refers to Maks as “My Russian”-she cracks me up. If I was ever to let him cheat on me, it would be with her. Only because they would make really pretty babies and I like booze way too much to ever get knocked up again.
This guy is even smoking in “salmon”. Ha ha, get it, smoked salmon? Yeah, I crack myself up.
Ochostinko, aka Koopa Troopa, had a good night, scoring a respectable 25 from the judges and dancing with a unseen before “gentility”.
Only YOU can prevent douchebaggery.
The Dolls danced a great waltz, and PDoll was lauded for dancing so great with such a difficult routine.
It’s easy to be flexible when you’re made out of plastic.
Methie’s waltz was understated but beautiful….yeah, nothing like herself. She’s definitely an actress, I can give her that much.
I only look sweet and whorish.
Niecy knocked it out of the park with her quickstep, even being called “dainty and cute” by Carrie Ann.
There’s a first time for everything!
That just leaves Bartender and his Argentinian Tango. It was good. Very, very good. 10′s across the board good? Maybe. It was incredibly technically sound, but he was stiff-not stiff like you’re supposed to be in the tango, but trying too hard stiff. There were a few wobbles here and there, and I think his 30 may just be the judges way of making up for screwing him last week.
Or they just think he’s awesome for dancing with a monkey on his back.
And don’t forget the team dances. Team Gaga, which was Ochostinko/Mophead, PDoll/Ken Doll, and Methie/Steve Irwin, did a pretty good cha cha and received a 27-too high, in my opinion. Team Madonna: Niecy/Louis, Bartender/Anna, and Maks/Erin did well and were scored a 24-pretty accurate. Team Gaga was chosen to perform the encore dance of the night. Methie had to sit out due to an injury of her leg (they just didn’t want to say “vaginal sprain” on Primetime TV) and was replaced by Chelsie in the encore. It was definitely better the second time around.
And yay for a musical guest I actually care about! Train was on to perform “Hey Soul Sister”, which I liked even more the first 57 million times I heard it, but hey-beggars cannot be choosers, especially on this show. I’ll take what I can get.
A little confused-Mark Balls was one of the pros dancing while Train was singing-I thought he was out for 6-8 weeks because of some injury? Crazy how ditching your bitchy partner can fix shit like this. Maybe he was just suffering from a case of Shannenitis.
Also, why do hot guys like the Train lead singer wear such tight jeans? Those were taking skinny jeans to a whole new level. How does he even get them that tight-he’s so damn skinny! I’m so confused. It’s okay to let the testicles breathe, yo.
Next couples called up are Ochostinko/Mophead and Bartender/Anna. Bartender is looking fly in his tuxedo, yo. Hawt.
Still in jeopardy are….
Ochostinko and Mophead!
Which means safe for another week are…..
Bartender and Anna!!!!
And the world is how it should be.
An actual funny fishbowl interview between The Brooke and Niecy, where she says she will totally have a wardrobe malfunction if needed to win. The Berge notes that she is in it to win it, and that if you plan it ahead of time, is it really a malfunction? Shit, at least she’s not joking about her jiggly parts or cookies.
The two remaining couples are Methie/Steve Irwin and Niecy/Louis. I was sweating it at this point-if it comes down to Niecy or Erin, unfortch my girl Niecy is going. But she is called safe!
Wonder how many pairs of Spanx she’s rockin?
Which means Spammy and Steve Irwin are still in jeopardy.
And I wonder how much she regrets that tattoo now that it’s not 1998 anymore?!?!
So, we’ve got Maks/Erin and Spamela/Steve Irwin in the bottom two. Wanna guess who’s going home?
Someone call an airbrusher-STAT!
Yes, sadly, this elegant creature is leaving us tonight. Boo.
So, we’re down to five couples. Who do you think is getting the heave ho this week? I think it’s going to be a close call between Niecy and Ochostinko-but whoever doesn’t go this week will just be gone the next, so whatevs. Tell me your thoughts in the comments, my Gasmic Darlings!
Love and Bubbles,