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This week on Dancing With The Stars: The Results Show-double the dances means double the pressure. Also, double the bad puns, double the awkward pauses, double the bad costumes, and double the fake boobs.
Or maybe only half the fake boobs now that Pammy’s gone?
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! How is everyone out in the blogosphere doing today? Well, I hope. I was actually a bit anxious to watch this week’s results show (no, I didn’t forget my Xanax-I’m crazy, not stupid) because I really was curious to see who’s getting the boot-Niecy, Ochostinko, or a real shocker-one of our top three?
I don’t suppose we could get lucky enough for this guy to be voted off, eh?
With only five couples left, we’re going to have to get creative here to fill an hour long results show. Instead of the cage match I was hoping for, there will be the first ever College Dance Competition featuring ballroom teams from UC San Diego and Purdue. Wheeeee…..
I was hoping for a 40 minute slideshow of The Russian. Who is really from the Ukraine.
Really, tell me now…is there anyone alive who doesn’t think Maksim is the hottest cupcake around? Seriously, if you really don’t find him attractive, I want to know how much crack you’ve smoked and if you’re sharing. Because, really. On performance nights, my Twitter stream is nothing but…
“Oh my god, Maks is so sexy”
“I would trade my husband in for Maks in a second.”
“Fuck that, I would trade my kids for Maks.”
“Hell, I’d trade my soul for one round with that guy.”
And that’s just my tweets. You should see the other whores I associate myself with.
Also, tell me…should I refer to the country as “Ukraine” or “The Ukraine”? I think I sound way cooler when I say “The Ukraine”. But anyhoo, I’m way off topic now.
Len’s rundown of last night’s performances:
He thought Bartender’s waltz was a bit of a snooze fest. I thought it was okay, but I was also distracted by singing along to “Open Arms.” I mean, how can you not karaoke along to that shit?
Bartender, you have such a luscious head of hair. Enough with the damn combover!!!!
He listened to me on his next dance, a futuristic cha cha cha.
See, even with the transformers face paint he looks SO much better with his hair spiked. I’m brilliant.
Erin and Maks brought the house down with a wicked sexy Argentine Tango.
Because who doesn’t love simulated oral sex? Better question: who doesn’t want to sit on Maks’ face? Line starts behind me, bitches.
Len even gave up the 10 for that shit, which means Carrie Ann and Bruno were trippin’ to only give 9′s. Word.
Their rumba was not nearly as good, Len is right in his description of it as jerky and awkward. Also, 80′s? The only era that does not suit Mr. Chmerkovskiy.
Bitch, I will cut you if you say one word about these white Dockers.
Ochostinko really stunk it up in the Tango, his posture was just stunted and really freaking strange.
If it walks like a duck and dances like a duck, well-it’s probably Ochostinko.
Their second dance was a little confusing-it was supposed to be a 60′s jive, but Ocho was dressed as a pimp from the Shaft era and Mophead was just dressed as a whore.
Maybe she’s supposed to be a 60′s whore? I don’t get it.
Niecy’s first dance was a Viennese Waltz, and it was meh. They were stuck with the douchiest song ever-”I Got You Babe”, and her dress was not flattering at all. It was like they shoved her into a Peaches and Cream Barbie dress without making the proper alterations.
Even girlfriend was horrified.
Things didn’t get any better in the second dance, what with her coming out looking like Whoopi in “Ghost” and the dance was just strange.
Thumbs up to gold lame’, however.
Ken Doll and PDoll’s fox trot really was as good as the judges hyped it to be. The song choice, that annoying one by Michael Boob-lay (you’re probably asking yourself, which one? They all are made of suck. Well, pick your favorite) didn’t hurt a bit, either.
We’re walking on sunshine…oh oh oh!
She, however, still sucks copious amounts of dick. Did you see her in the rehearsal package on the performance show? She takes herself WAY too seriously (you’re famous for being something called a PUSSYCAT DOLL, bitch) and is a total drama queen. I think the only reason Ken Doll puts up with her is because, you know, he’s made of plastic. He’s not programmed to feel contempt.
Their 50′s Paso Doble? I have to give it up to Ken Doll-homeboy definitely has the choreographing chip installed, because it was pretty much brilliant. Only he could mix two mutually exclusive genres SO WELL.
And you know he stayed in greaser character ALL NIGHT.
In case you’ve been snorting Ketamine all night and forgot, here’s the scoreboard for the 82nd time.
Encore Dance? Duh. It got a 30. The dolls do a doble. Hee hee, alliteration is funny.
No alliteration here: go for the jugular! She’ll bleed out before they can save her!
The Gipsy Kings (yes, that’s how they spell their name-don’t blame them, I doubt english is their first language) come out to play “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story 3, which as you may have noticed from the media onslaught, is set to be released soon.
Cheryl, Tony, Dmitry, and Kim are bored so they dance along.
We are reminded yet again of the upcoming College Dance Championship. The UCSD side:
Yay, we have 100k in student loans we’ll never be able to pay off with our liberal arts degrees!
And the peeps from Purdue:
The R comes before the U, you idiots.
I was originally looking forward to the “DanceCenter” segment with Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, and Len-but it was just not funny. JR was in a wig, and all they did was make fat jokes about Niecy (been there, done that), compare Jerry’s two SuperBowl rings to Ochostinko’s zero (touche’), say P-Doll is hot (yes, but her personality is rancid), and gay jokes about Ken Doll (tell me something I don’t know).
Len pays extra if he wears a wig and calls him “Daddy”
Finally, some results. The first couple safe, and therefore in the semifinals is….Ken Doll and P-Doll!
Look, Ma, I’m a zombie!
And the first couple in the bottom two is…..Mophead and Ochostinko.
Could Mophead be anymore obviously over this shit?
And now, what I’m sure you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for…the college dance blah blah blah. First we meet the UCSD team. I’m hoping they’ll be my kind of people, like “Our Drinking Team has a Dancing Problem!” but it’s basically just a bunch of nerds that dance on the beach and win national championships.
One guy admits to being a structural engineer who joined because he was bored. No, dude-you joined to get some poontang. You ain’t gotta lie to kick it. Engineers need all the help they can get-trust me-I married one. He still to this day says, “You can’t spell geek without double E!” (as in electrical engineering.) Yes, I still fucked him after that. What can I say, he’s hung like a porn star. Even nerds need love.
They’re dancing a samba, and they’re pretty good. Their formations are pretty cool and they have good transitions. Whatever. The judges give them 8′s-cause it really matters. Anyhoo.
The Purdue team is a bunch of midwestern geeks, but at least one of these dudes flat out admits he joined the team to meet chicks. Own it, homey. They’re new to formation dancing-in other words, they are going to suck.
And suck they do. They dance the slowest, most elementary, off-timed samba I’ve ever seen. I could let my five year old slam a bottle of Benadryl and she would pull off a better routine than this ridiculous shit. The judges should have given them 2′s, but instead take pity on them with an 8/7/7.
The Gipsy Kings perform again, and I want a margarita.
And this guy has had one too many.
More DanceCenter, and more played out jokes-Evan has a great head of hair (duh, I already said that, stop stealing my jokes KENNY MAYNE) and that Erin calls Maks the Russian when he’s actually from the Ukraine (I already fucking said that, you smarmy ASSHOLE!) Gah!!!
Fuck Kenny Mayne. Seriously.
Thank god, let’s get on with the results. Next couple safe? But of course, my beloved Bartender and the dear Anna.
I bet you ten bucks he is NOT checking out her tits.
Erin and Maks are also safe.
Go Team The Russian!
Which brings us down to the bottom two. Let me break it down for you.
But the couple leaving us tonight is….Niecy and Louis. Sadface.
The consolation prize isn’t so bad, however-threesome with Louis and Maks!
And being the class act she is, Niecy goes out with humor, grace, and no tears like some famewhores we knew *cough*Shitler*cough*.
Well, I guess that means I don’t have to show up next week cause we all know who’s going home! I kid, I kid, I would never make you, my Gasmic Darlings, wade through this shit without me. Loves!
Love and Bubbles,