Dancing With The Stars: Semifinals Results Show

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Semifinals Results Show….even shirtless Maks is not enough to cure my eyes of the infection caused from a performance by Miley Virus.

If you’re doing this at 14, what the hell does 17 entail?  Prison escapee gangbangs?

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! How are we tonight? Recovered from the Grey’s finale? Holy cowboys, I almost shit my pants at least five times. HappyHusband was rooting for McDreamy to get capped so I would stop shouting out his name when we’re boning, but no such luck. Sucks for him. What? Oh yes, Dancing With Obscurity. How could I forget?

Well, since we, the American public, can not be trusted to remember anything for more than five seconds, let ABC remind you no less than sixty times tonight that we are down to the final four!

To refresh your memory, surely lost when you were huffing air freshener in Grandma’s bathroom (don’t even think I don’t know about that!) here are our semifinalists:

Erin Andrews. I knew Maks liked dirty girls.

Ochostinko, aka Koopa Troopa, aka Ochosucko, aka….you get the picture. Nice snuggie, asshat.

My Bartender, Evan Lysacek, or as the brilliant Michael K calls him, Evan Likesdadick. Taking snowballing to a whole new level.

And the uber classy P-Doll herself, Nicole Scherzinger. Is that a rogue dick I spy under there, or does she just have a very prominent pubic bone? Wow.

As of tonight, 99 contestants have been eliminated. That makes this the 100th results show and whoever leaves gets the infamous distinction of being the 100th star to be cut. Remember that-file it under “useless shit I might need to know to win Jeopardy some day.”

The Berge and The Brooke decide to placate us enough to sit through Miley Virus’ performance by starting out with some results. First couple that is officially in the final is…..

Bartender and Anna!

Duh. Not only is he great, he gets the Olympic Champion votes, the Gay vote, the Fag Hag vote, and splits the sexually ambiguous vote with Ken Doll. The only uncertainty tonight, if there really is any, is between Ochostinko and Erin. I don’t think it’s even going to be close, though.

Did you know last night’s semifinal performances were the most competitive ever? Well, now you know.

We won’t mention that they say that every year.

And it’s definitely not a results show without Len’s recap of last night…old geezer thinks he can do a better job than me…wait, he probably can…..

He’s got Viagra, I’ve only got Valium. Sildenafil FTW!

Erin and Maks came out with a beautiful Viennese Waltz, but a very ugly pantsuit on Erin…

Costume FAIL.

This is the only outfit in existence that could make Erin Andrews look like she has birthing hips. As an aside, when I was googling images of her, I came across her stalker video…ok, never okay for a stalker to make a peephole video. But if I looked like her? He wouldn’t have had to, because my naked hot ass would be on the cover of every magazine from here to Taiwan. Dude. She’s HOT. She and Maks would make the prettiest babies EVER.

P-Doll and Ken Doll’s Argentine Tango was….wait for it….a REVELATION. Len goes all gaga over it. As I would expect…has anyone ever effed up an Argentine Tango? Big surprise…celebrities can do intense. Probably because they are all intensely self absorbed. Anyhoo, perfect 30.

You don’t see in this screencap but she pulled off his head, shoved him into Barbie’s dress, and made him drive the pink jeep headless. Common occurrence at my house in the 80′s.

Ochostinko was, you guessed it, a revelation in his waltz with Mophead. I actually didn’t watch it, I was too busy swinging my kid around and having an impromptu karaoke session to the song they danced to, “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. Mama, you silly.

Mophead is way too young and childless to have saggy boobs like that.

Bartender and Anna killed it at the Fox Trot. No way-Bartender was good at a dance that looked like it could have been on Broadway? Color me shocked.

And color him rainbows.

Erin and Maks performed again in the solo round (meaning each star had to dance a solo section), dancing a Paso Doble. This will be the one and only time I say anything bad ever about Maks, but I think one of the things holding Erin back from higher scores is that he needs to get over himself just a wee bit. One reason why Ken Doll’s stars always do so well? He turns them out, yo-he plays to their strengths, he makes sure the dances really showcase them. Maks is all about himself. Don’t get me wrong, I love some swagger, but I worry that his selfishness on the dance floor would translate to the bedroom and that is just no good. If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy, you dig?

At least he’s sweaty.

In the second Prince song of the evening, the Dolls danced a cha cha cha (I’m sorry, I hate it with three cha’s, I like cha cha better) to the Down’s Syndrome version of “Kiss”.

Did someone say Downs? Whee!!!

Ochostinko and Mophead came back out with a so-so Samba. Ochostinko took off his shirt towards the end, trying to steal some of the naked Maks vote and showing off some serious tats.

Because nothing turns a chick on more than staring at some other chick while they’re trying to get it on.

The finale dance of the evening….Bartender and Anna’s vampire inspired Paso Doble. Other than the singer raping Amy Lee lyrically, the dance was perfection. And I don’t mean that in the sound byte way that Bruno usually does. I was worried Bartender was going to make it super cheesy with his typical over the top drama but he went for intensity and nailed it. It was seriously great-perfect 30.

We know, we know, we’re awesome.

And of course, with a dance like that, they were chosen for the encore performance.

Get this guy a pole and a chair! Anyone have some singles?

Then we get a chance to take a look into the pro’s lives before DWTS. First up is Maks. He tells us he was born in The Ukraine, but when he was born it was still the USSR. See-he is the Russian! Take that, Kenny Mayne!!!

Basically the gist of it is that old school Russia sucked (I’m pretty sure current Russia sucks too, but what do I know?) so the Chmerkovskiy’s packed up baby Maks and moved to Brooklyn. Yes, because Brooklyn is the mecca of green lawns and white picket fences. Anyhoo. He has worked so hard to be a pro because that is his American Dream. We also meet Daddy Maks and Brother Maks, and to answer your question, they are not nearly as hot.

Presumably to make up for the should have been abortion who will be performing later, the DWTS producers are kind enough to have Sarah McLachlan come on and sing the sad doggie ASPCA song, and her new single. She is as beautiful as her voice, and her performance was lovely.

My only question-where’s Annemarie Lucas?

Looks like the DWTS version of Big Love Newlywed Game.

Does Brooke have to cut herself out of those dresses?

Time for Baby Mophead’s story…as a child, she was so quiet, her mom thought she was deaf. I’m guessing it’s just hard to talk when you’re a mophead..

…but Spongebob manages, I suppose.

At first she wanted nothing to do with ballroom dancing and tried ballet, but after seeing the costumes, and I presume the boys, she switched and have never looked back. Aw, sweet.

And if the impending Miley Virus invasion isn’t bad enough, it’s time for the viewer’s choice dance…the dumped Bachelor chick Melissa and the fat guy from N-Sync dancing to a Kiss song. I….wanna puke and roll all night!!!!

So, John Travolta walks into a gay bar dressed as a leather daddy…..

As if we didn’t suffer enough last week, there’s more College Ballroom Showdown bullshit.  First up is the team from Rutgers, which you may know as the college that Tony Soprano attended for a year before dropping out for his true calling-the mafia.  At least, that’s the only reason I know it.  The dance is good, the song reminds me of pushing the bossa nova button on my dead Grandma’s old organ.  You know, like a piano.  Fuck, you guys are pervs.  Anyhoo, I don’t know what it is with these college kids, maybe they ran out of Adderall, but they dance SO. Freaking. SLOW.

Again, Speaking of Downs….

The judges give them a 21, the lowest college score and basically a fuck you to retarded kids everywhere.

Next up is Utah Valley University, the only college where you can get a degree in ballroom.  Why am I not surprised they are located in land of the Mormons?  Basically, Utah Valley is to college ballroom what Alabama is to college football.  Gee, this is really fair to the short bus kids.

Nevermind the slightly pornographic poses, they were really good.

Judges give them a 29, and the poor short bus mafia kids get sent home.

Next it’s Baby Anna’s turn for story time.  She too was born in Russia, and her family moved here again because Russia sucks and Anna had asthma.  She met her current husband, fellow pro Jonathon Roberts, on the ballroom circuit, and at first they didn’t hit it off but soon fell in love.  Anna works her ass off for all of her success, and really, what’s not to love about this girl?  She’s my favorite female pro by far.

Oh god, someone get the penicillin.  Miley Virus is here to perform. Just like I said in the minicap-Trick isn’t even pretending to be Disney’s head bitch anymore…she has ditched the lolita persona and is heading straight for dry back alley handjobs in exchange for a fifth of Monarch rum. I think she was also trying to channel Britney circa the Circus era and failed miserably.  Instead, she resembled Brittney the Chipette playing dress up as a dominatrix, buck teeth and all.   Thankfully, I still have my hearing, courtesy of a large dose of autotune and lip synching. Thanks for that, ABC.

WHORE.

The last, and funniest, pro background story is up, starring the one and only Ken Doll.  Even more hilarious is when one of his cookie cutter blonde mormon sisters (seriously.  google the Hough sisters.  There’s three of them, and it is so scary….they look EXACTLY alike.)  refers to him as “their little Ken Doll.”  Score ONE for HappyHousewife!

Ken Doll’s little brother, Tommy.

After all that nonsense, finally time for some more results.  The next couple safe is…Ken Doll and his blow up Pussy Doll!

Shifty Ken.

Meaning, as I called it, it’s between Maks/Erin and Mophead/Ochostinko for the bottom spot.

The couple leaving us tonight is…..

Mophead and Ochostinko!

I’m glad my prediction came true.  I truly think the top 3 couples are in the final.  Are you happy with the outcome?  More importantly, how do you think the final is going to go?  It’s going to be close between Bartender and P-Doll, but these are my thoughts…I think Bartender garners higher votes.  He’s cute, he’s an Olympic champion, he’s way more family friendly and likely to grab the 35-50 female vote than P-Doll.  If he and Anna can match the Dolls’ scores, I truly think he can steal the mirror ball right out from under her.  I love Erin and Maks, but unfortch, I think they’re going to be 3rd place to the other two couples.  What are you guys thinking?  I can’t wait to tell you all about the end results!!!!

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife