Dancing With The Stars: Results Show Week 5

This week on Dancing With The Stars…oh my gosh, could it be? Could Shitler really be dethroned and sent on her saggy old mom butt back to Pennsylvania? And if so, Dear Amish people that live in PA-please kidnap her and conform her to your ways so we don’t have to see her anymore. Kthanxbye.

Wait, we’re not going to get that lucky-she’s already signed on to a new show with TLC. Speaking of stealing your soul….it’s called Twist of Kate. Ha, freaking ha. Other great title options:

I Kate Myself for Loving You (I guess that should actually be Jon’s show)
Masturkating Will Make You Go Blind (Kate’s quest for a Playboy Cover)
Blind Kate (Her child army gets to stab her eyes out, then go on dates with new potential parents)
The Pearly Kates (we give Kate truth serum and watch her confess all the reasons she will be burning in hell)

I could go on all night. Damn vodka. But no more, because, LIVE, it’s…….

Dancing With The Stars!!!!!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Please excuse my little tangent. Don’t take it as me spewing venom…no, wait. Please do. I hate that crazy woman. Famewhoring, publicity whoring, hell, even regular whoring I can live with. But whoring out your children…not okay. I do have some morals.

I also see that some of you had some issues with my last recap. Particularly what I had to say about Mophead and Ochostinko, which completely baffled me….I said ONE thing about her. ONE. I compare Kate Gosselin to the most evil man who ever walked the earth and peeps take issue with me comparing Cheryl to a damn swiffer? Yo, here….take one of my xanax. A deep breath, maybe rub one out. See, isn’t that better? The thing you need to realize is that I only make fun of the ones I love (with exception of Shitler.) And this is just for fun, I don’t have any personal vendettas against any of these people. But, because I would hate for the President of the Cheryl Burke Fan Club to go cut themselves on my account, I will call a one recap moratorium on saying anything remotely bad about Mophead or Ochostinko…ahem, I mean Princess Cheryl and King Chad. No suicides on my watch, kids.

So, the dancing. If you even had ABC on your TV at any point leading up to the show then you would know it was MOVIE WEEK! Whee! The only way this would be cool is if it was “Porn Movie Week” or “Bizarro World Disney Movie Week.” Wouldn’t P-Doll make a fantastic Vapid Princess Jasmine? And Erin a Dorky Sleeping Beauty? Louis reminds me of Gay Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast, and Pam is Stripperella. And we all know who Shitler would be-Ursula. Duh. Evil and she has eight tentacles.

We begin the show, and I’m already scared. All the couples are lined up on the steps, just posing, instead of coming down one by one. I suppose, since this is the “most watched season” and all, they are trying to switch things up without really changing anything. I don’t like change. Hold me, I’m scared.

We’re going to find out immediately who is at the top and bottom of the leaderboard….at the top is Nicole and Derek!

Call me crazy, but from the moment she got on the air, Kate looked like she knew what was coming down. Her eyes were all swollen and she looked shittier than usual. Either that or she actually looked in the mirror. Anyhoo, she’s in the bottom two, and somehow, it’s her first time. Voters-you scare me.

But of course, it wouldn’t be a results show without Len’s rundown of what happened last night. Here’s what I heard:

Len was worried about how Erin would jive, and I’ll be honest, I was too-just like Bartender, tall, long, lanky people don’t usually jive well. She was a bit out of control, but all in all, I think she did well. And Erin as Uma? Brilliant. Any Pulp Fiction reference is a win in my book-best movie choice of the night.

Len says Weepy Vagina turned himself into a leading man with that dance. I wouldn’t know, because as soon as I saw him in his tighty whities, I was too busy violently projectile vomiting.

Methie dear as Dolly-another brilliant move. Len was not pleased though, because he of course thought they spent too much time playing around and not enough time dancing. I’m still mourning the loss of Meth’s former beauty.

According to Len, Niecy and King Chad really need to up their game. How dare he say such a thing about a a broadway level dancer such as Chad? I mean, he’s SO great, I bet when he sits down to drop a deuce, poop doesn’t even come out. That wonderful man shits butterflies and sparkles.

*knocks back a double shot of vodka*

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the judges thought Niecy’s jive was a bit lackluster. I think for a big girl with no dancing experience, she killed it. I would be on the floor begging for oxygen half way through the routine. Seriously, it’s basically like jumping for two minutes straight except you have to remember the damn steps.

Maybe I did get my wishes on the Bizarro Disney Movie Night-Princess Cheryl and King Chad performed to “Bare Necessities” from the Jungle Book, and it was reminiscent of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers…they simply floated across the floor. Gave me the warm fuzzies, and I’m 95% sure they weren’t from the Vicodin I’ve been mainlining to keep up this nice act.

Len and the judges hated Shitler and Tony’s dance as much as I did, thank god. It’s bad enough she’s shitting on motherhood, the fact that the majority of everyone has to actually work hard to make money, and dancing in general, but now she’s going to shit on a classic like The Breakfast Club too? And, hey, dumbasses…there was no dancing scene in Breakfast Club. I think you’re thinking of Pretty in Pink. Idiots.

Len echoes what all of us have been thinking and tell us that the only peeps worth their pot to piss in are P-Doll and Bartender. Who would have thought that the “pop star” and ice skater would be the leaders? Color me shocked. I hope Bartender takes this whole thing from right under P-Doll. She might actually suffer a breakdown and go away. It would be great.

Bartender and Anna’s rumba was very good. I thought they deserved a ten or two, but I might just be biased because I love them. My consigliere, aka HappyHusband, and I had a very interesting conversation the other night-Do you think Evan really is gay, or has he just been in ice skating so long he’s taken on a very effeminate nature? His movements seem very feminine, but in ice skating they have to be. And while I don’t know for sure, I’d be willing to bet about 90% of the dudes he’s around are gay, so maybe he’s just picked up the “features?” But who really knows-I’ve met super macho guys who wouldn’t touch a vagina if it slapped them in the face, and I’ve dated known dudes who were girlier than I am but still loved the pussay. Just curious. Want to know if I still have a chance or not.

Len calls P-Doll’s tango epic. She must like giving old guys head, because I think that’s a little exaggerated.

The Brooke decided to come back to 2010 from 1999 this week.

As for the encore dance tonight? Get your puke buckets ready, it’s time for another showing of WV’s dance. Please hurry and get those pants on!

Coming up: Adam Carolla with the only thing funny about tonight, and Debbie Allen and her pancake boobs.

But first, a performance from Maxwell. Who is that, you ask?

Pitchy, screechy, not impressive. Moving on.

Time to take a break in the nonsense for…what? Oh, results? You mean we actually get some of those? Crazy!

The Berge and The Brooke pull down Princess Cheryl/King Chad and Niecy/Louis. They reveal…well, not much.

Princess and the King are…still in jeopardy, whatever that means. How dare they keep royalty waiting?

Niecy and Louis are….

And safe!

After a commercial, The Brooke does a hilarious interview with Shitler about her being in the bottom two. The Brooke asks her questions like how does she feel about it and does she think she deserves to be in the bottom two, and you can tell Shitler is biting her tongue SO hard. She gives the rehearsed PR friendly answers that she’s supposed to, but she is like, one second away from spinning her head around, spitting out some pea soup, and screaming, “Fuck no, you stupid peasants! Don’t you know I am the mighty EVERYTHING? I should win this just for showing up!”

Then The Brooke asks King Chad if he is frustrated with the scores he’s been getting. He would be, but Kings don’t show frustrated. We, his followers, should be frustrated for him, that he is not getting the royal treatment he so obviously deserves. He also makes a gaming reference, which is so cool I can’t even stand it.

Time for Adam Carolla-the highlight of the night! Some of the funnies:

-Niecy dedicates her performance to “thick girls everywhere.” Adam says he gets it, but he didn’t dedicate his every performance to “italians that look like jews.”

-Adam compares Bruno to the devil because two couples got 6-6-6 scores, and Bartender/Anna got a 9-9-9, which turned upside down is the mark of the beast.

-He makes a hilarious joke about Shitler’s dance being in slow motion. Good call.

-Then calls Len out for calling Bartender’s spins perfect-hello, he is an ice skater.

Ok, that’s enough funny for you bitches! Back to the mindlessness.

Now, a special arrangement of “iconic” movie dances by the legendary Debbie Allen. I do love her, even if she’s got a little bit of the crazy…have you seen her on SYTYCD? She knows what she’s talking about, but I think she had a little too much fun in the 70′s, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know if I’d call Austin Powers “iconic” but ok.

The Fame part was pretty sweet though…some chick opened it with her arrangement on pointe…that’s no joke, folks.

The next filler guest is some chick named Debi Nova, a Costa Rican singer making her American TV debut.

And just so you know so you can get the appropriate drug/booze stash ready…next week will not only be a swing dance marathon, the stars will be designing their pros’ costumes. Oh LAWDY. Can you even imaging what Pam is going to come up with? Anna will look great if Bartender is creating hers-but poor, poor Chelsie, Steve Irwin, and Ken Doll. Seriously.

More results….next up is Bartender/Anna and Weepy Vagina/Chelsie.

My Bartender Boy is…..SAFE! (duh)

WV and Chelsie are…still in jeopardy! (which means safe, but this is way more “dramatic”)

The Berge tells us there is a lot of tension backstage. I say hand out flasks of Jack Daniels or absinthe and some steak knives, and wish everyone the best. The one who doesn’t die wins!

But before the fight to the death, let’s reveal some more results.

Erin and my Baby Daddy….SAFE!

MethBoobs and Steve Irwin…still in jeopardy!

So, we’re down to four left in “jeopardy”-MB/Steve Irwin, WV/Chelsie, Shitler/Tony, and Princess Cheryl/King Chad. Talk about making something totally ridiculously complicated for no reason. Shitler/Tony are definitely in the bottom two, and joining them is….

Poor MethBoobs and Steve Irwin. She’s toned it down a ton, but I just think her skank is totally putting off the minivan majority who is the main demographic of voters. So, who’s going home? The slut or the devil? The couple leaving us tonight is…..

Shitler! Whoo hoo!

I

I haven’t been this excited since I got a neverending script of Valium, seriously. Ding dong, the mother truckin’ witch is dead! I am a little sad about the loss of material, however.

So now, I’m really curious as to what is going to happen next week. What is going to happen to all those votes that were going towards Shitler? Are people just not going to vote and stop watching, or are they going to support someone else? Hmmm….

Whatever happens, I’ll be here to dish it up for ya!

Love and Bubbles,
HappyHousewife

PS-The moratorium on meanness is SO OVER next week.