Breakin’ All The Rules!

Dancing w/ The Stars

By B-Side | Wednesday, September 27, 2006 | 12:30 pm | 38 Comments

dancingstars9-26-06

As I mentioned in my Two-A-Days recap, my trusty laptop fizzled out on me last night, which meant all my notes for Dancing with the Stars went with it. Luckily, last night’s episode was quite the memorable romp. The judges were crankier than ever before, but that’s probably because maverick dancers Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence attempted to bend the rules with lifts, handstands, and broken holds. Hubris will always get you in the end, and soon it became clear that these dueling dancers flew way too close to the sun.Before I start, let me just warn that I am recapping this entire ninety-minute show solely from memory. I may have a few glaring errors here and there, but I’m sure if we all stay strong, we can get through this ordeal together. Anyway, we knew last night’s episode would be a strange one right out of the gate as Samantha Harris managed to say all her introductory lines with nary a flub, stutter, or awkward slur. This week’s show was all about two dances: the “torrid tango,” as Samantha Harris labored to call it, and the ever festive jive. Someone was bound to crumble under the pressure, but who? Well, we didn’t have to wait long for our first dud…

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Emmitt and Cheryl
In the pre-dance antics, we learned that all the travel had been taking a toll on Emmit. He’d been commuting from Los Angeles to Dallas and back and forth, and this week, he also needed to fly to Virginia for a beauty pageant that his wife was judging. Emmitt thrilled the attendees when he and Cheryl took to the stage, but it looked like he should have spent more time practicing and less time showboating. His tango was stiff and boring. He had a strange look on his face the entire time, and it certainly paled next to the exciting performances last season from Tia Carrere and Stacy Keibler (wow. Am I really saying this?).

Len Goodman said something to the sound of, “The tango did to you what no linebacker has ever been able to do.” At that point, an over-eager fan thought this was the setup for a compliment, and so he let out a triumphant “WOOOH!!!” But then Len added, “It stopped you in your tracks.” Yeah, might want to take back that “Wooh!” now. All the judges agreed that Emmitt was not in top form, and he wound up with a lowly 19 out of 30. How the mighty have fallen. Luckily, he’ll have the popular vote to keep him around, and I’m sure those swiveling hips will be back in full force soon enough.

After Emmitt, I don’t really remmeber the order. So I’ll just continue randomly…

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Sarah and Tony
I don’t know what happened to Tony. Last season, he was the suave stud of the ballroom (or at least, as much as you can be a suave stud in this environment). This time around, he looks like a skinny pipsqueak, and it didn’t help that he was outfitted this week in a sleeveless cowboy gettup with a sequinned horseshoe on his chest. If you thought Drew Lachey’s “Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy” freestyle last season begged for the Brokeback jokes, you hadn’t seen nuthin’ yet.

Anyway, Sarah promised to let everything hang out for her jive (and that included her ass chest). She seems like a truly nice person, and I’m sure I’d have a great time talking to her about horses and rainbows and whatnot, but her inability to ever wipe off that goofy grin from her face is starting to really peeve me. Nevertheless, she did a nice jive that I thought was lacking in charisma, but the judges absolutely loved it. I don’t remember her scores, but they were quite impressive, especially considering how badly she started off the season. Kelly Monaco the Sequel?

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Jerry and Kym
Here’s what you need to know about these two: Kym has very large, fake breasts.

The two executed a nice tango, and considering Jerry’s physical limitations, this was an impressive feat. He managed to mention his daughter’s upcoming wedding about fifteen times (when he wasn’t peppering us with self-depricating humor), and honestly, that’s all I can really remember. He earned solid scores — maybe 21 or so? I’ll go to the website and check after I’m done writing. But basically, what this dance came down to were Kym’s heaving bosom.

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Harry and Ashly
If there’s any dance that Harry Hamiln is perfectly suited for, it’s the tango. He’s already got the rigid intensity built in. But alas, even though he and Ash observed some real life tango at an Argentinean restaurant, he was unable to make the most of this softball. The judges said his feet were a bit of a mess, and once again, he received middling scores. Harry Hamlin serving as the boring nadir of the show? I’m shocked!

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Monique and Louis
Before taking the stage, Monique’s rehearsal time was enlivened by the arrival of none other than her mom, who kind of looked like a cross between Aretha Franklin and Maya Angelou. But mostly Aretha. Big Momma was understandably proud of her daughter, and apparently she hadn’t seen her perform in five years. Well, she was going to be in for a joyride. Monique absolutely rocked the jive. With yellow tassels shaking from every inch of her body, she looked like Big Bird on crack. I immediately ranked Monique’s dance at the top of my list, if only for her wacky intro which sent her literally flailing into the arms of Louis Van Amstel. With arms doing windmills and a look on her face like she was falling from the sky, she pulled of a risky twist and reverse jump that was so silly looking, I had to rewind it about ten times. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if she had completely missed Louis and fallen on her ass. But that would have been cruel, and I might have felt badly for her. Oh, who am I kidding? It would have been awesome.

Anyway, Monique did a great job and earned nines from all the judges. You can bet your bottom dollar that momma was going nuts in the audience. Bravo!

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Willa and Maksim
Dressed like a hot pink, slutty waitress, Willa attempted to reel in the male votes this week (and it didn’t hurt that she brought along UFC star Chuck Liddell, who certainly must be losing street cred in the octagon with his cameo). Anyway, Willa performed a decent jive; although, Carrie Ann INABA later reprimanded her for including a highly illegal lift. I didn’t see it personally, but that might be because I was transfixed by Willa’s dainty hat. Also, it was around this time that my laptop went haywire; so honestly, I really don’t know what happened with Willa except that she wound up in the middle of the pack. Eh, doesn’t matter. She’ll be gone this week anyway. Such is the fate for the “bad girl” of pop.

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Mario and Karina
Ready for some fun? Yeah, this is when things got real interesting. After last week’s thrashing by the judges for not sticking to the quickstep, Karina was determined to be conservative and do exactly what was expected of them. Unfortunately, Mario had other plans. He had all sorts of kooky ideas for the tango to make it more entertaining. Since I’m no dance expert, it seemed like Mario’s touches were great. He and Karina did what looked like a great tango, but alas, how foolish I was to think I had just witnessed professionalism at its best. The judges absolutely harangued Mario and Karina. Apparently they had broken the hold midway through the tango, a major no-no. Len seemed positively livid at Mario and cockiness, and Bruno pulled the old, “Why do you put yourself in this position?” Carrie Ann Inaba didn’t make things any better as she too scolded the rogue couple for their rebelious ways. As for Karina, we could tell she was trying to keep a unified front with Mario, but man was she pissed at her partner. If only she could send his ass to Siberia…

When it came time for scores, Carrie Ann doled out an 8, and noted that it would have been a 10. Same for Bruno. Len, meanwhile, had said earlier that they would have had a 10 from him too, but his punishment was infinitely more severe: he gave them a 6. Dunh dunh dunh!!! In the post-dance interview, we could barely hear Samantha Harris over the chorus of boos hailing down from the audience. It was like Paul Hamm 2004 all over again! Controversy!

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Vivica and Nick
Less controversial with her tango was Vivica A. Fox who once again honed her inner-diva (which I’m not so sure is very “inner”) for this intense dance. We saw her crying after the praise she received last week, and we knew she was out for blood again this week. There was a little bit where she took ballet and appeared in a tutu, but it was just filler before the dance. She looked quite dapper in her little wig (I’m assuming that’s what it was), and for once, she only looked like a semi-drag queen. Viv and Nick then danced a nifty tango with all the passion you’d expect from the star of 1-800-MISSING. The judges absolutely loved her, and Bruno said something like “Now I know what the ‘A’ stands for: Animal! Attitude! Aggression!” He then added, “Antelope! Aardvark! Anteater! Antidelluvian! Antecedent! Anthropomorphic! Avian! Aristotle! I can go on! Aura Borealis! Ambulatory! Aluminum! Allabaster! Amputee! Asimptote!”

(Btw, I have no spell check on this computer, so don’t mind the inevitable errors in the above list.)

Anyway, the judges awarded Vivica nines across the board. In response, she let loose those convenient waterworks once again and sobbed her way backstage to Samantha Harris where she miraculously managed to transform from weepy to sassy and back again on the turn of the dime.

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Joey and Edyta
Finally, our last dance of the evening. Joey Lawrence was going to impress us all with his jailhouse jive, and to get in the mood, he went out and bought some blue suede shoes. Then, with his shirt annoyingly unbuttoned, he and Edyta cut a rug on the parquet, jiving the night away like none other. It seemed like they were destined for tens, but then towards the end of the dance, Joey flipped Edyta over backwards, and it would take a blind person to not realize that that had to be one of those dreaded illegal lifts. This was followed by a showy handstand by Joey, and while it was quite delightful to watch all these antics, the judges again were pissed off. They attacked the lift, and Len in particular went after the handstand, saying it had not place in a proper jive. I tend to think that had Mario not pissed them off so much with his dance (and to some degree, Willa with her lift), the judges would have been a little nicer to Joey. But unfortunately, they ultra crabby, and after ninety minutes of this junk, I don’t blame them. I can’t quite remember Joey’s scores (and I can’t find them on ABC’s site — idiots), but I definitely recall Len giving him a six. As a result, Joey’s head bopping was kept at a minimum this week as he found himself unable to aggressively thank the judges and audience.

Will one of these cocky duos get their comeuppance tonight? Or will America finally send Willa home? We shall see!

About

38 Comments

  1. 1
    kittenww
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    you must comment on how we have 2 on-set romances occurring here! willa & maksim…mario & karina. my friends are convinced that mario & karina have been getting it on since the first episode.

  2. 2
    dsc805
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:02 pm

    Who is picking out Joey Lawrence’s outfits (other than those damn shoes that we were forced to watch him buy)? Last week, he looked like a crazy gay leperchaun. This week he looked like a crazy gay pimp. He’s got quite a range, that one.

  3. 3
    tvaholic
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:02 pm

    I don’t know kittenww, Mario’s always given off a gay vibe to me. And then the headband during practice…not saying there’s anything wrong with it, just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if he came out. (And no, not just because he played Greg Louganis)

  4. 4
    smartypants
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:04 pm

    My favorite thing is when I’m finished reading the most recent gasm and a NEW ONE appears!!

    B-side, great recap from memory…condolences on the laptop, I hope it’s up and back to it’s snarky best soon.

    Anyhow, what’s the deal with Ms. Fox doing the tango and Joey doing the quickstep? I thought the girls do one dance and the guys another? I was looking forward the(not-so-inner) Diva hopping around like a flea.

  5. 5
    Shoe-In
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:22 pm

    While I loved the “about to go postal” look on Mario’s face while he is getting beat down from the judges, I loved even MORE Joey apologizing profusely after getting beat down from the judges !

    I think Harry is consistently awful. I thought he or Jerry should have gone home last week. Poor Ashley.

  6. 6
    Court_Love
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:40 pm

    B-side,

    Do you have a screenshot of Mario after he finished dancing?

    If so, you can see the judges table behind him, and call me crazy but, Ms. INABA looked to be cheering with her arms raised. Then, once the rest of the judges scolded Albert Clifford, she changed her demeanor.

    Shennanings?

  7. 7
    Court_Love
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:42 pm

    or maybe..

    Shenanigans?

  8. 8
    hardly@work
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 1:59 pm

    Smartypants–I was wondering that also–did joey get to choose because he came in first last week- only explanation I can think of…

    I am so sick of Willa- vote for us, b/c I worked really had on this, really? as hard as you worked on that remarkable pop career you have going on? she sucks

    harry is painful to watch, b/c I just feel pity for him, being married to lisa rinna and dancing worse than jerriatric springer?

    I read in somewhere that Ali …(the dorito chick) and him got divorced bc she caught him cheating on her on their honeymoon, not sure f it was male/female though.

    Did Mario go by a differnet name on SavedbytheBell or has it always been Lopez?

  9. 9
    dsc805
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 2:14 pm

    Hardly@work (true dat!),

    According to imdb, the only change he has made to his professional name is the addition of the accent mark.

    Here are some other interesting tidbits about Mr. Lopez, also from imdb–so take them with a huge grain of salt:

    Athletics aside, his true passion in life is dancing. He has aspirations of one day dancing at Radio City music hall in New York City.

    He allegedly cheated on his wife-to-be, actress Ali Landry, one day before the wedding and after the wedding. He was caught by onlookers cheating at his bachelor party. This is why Ali Landry got the marriage annulled.

  10. 10
    sarah
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 2:19 pm

    Great recap, B-Side!

    When Emmitt was at the pageant, did anyone else notice Dieter from Laguna Beach on the stage next to Emmitt’s wife? I’m such a reality show whore.

  11. 11
    chooch850
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    The best remark of the night came from Tom, when he commented that Len “only got in half a cigarette during the break” in reference to his crabby mood.

  12. 12
    may1
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 2:56 pm

    Great recap B-Side, and all from memory! I loved (a little too much)how angry Mario got with the judges comments and scores. Maybe a little steam came out of his ears? With the reaction of the audience, you know his popular vote will keep him in the show.

  13. 13
    TWilliams
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 3:38 pm

    I would have to disagree with whomever said that Willa sucks. She is by far one of the more talented dancers on this show although that means NOTHING because she will be going home tonight. I find it funny that Carrie Ann INABA complimented her by telling her she is one of the best female dancers in the competition (two weeks in a row she gave out that compliment) but she continues to give her the lowest score she gives to any female . . . humm. And as for her lift, I rewound my tivo last night to rewatch the dance and there was no lift. Once she jumped onto Max’s thigh and he held her in place and the only quasi-lift in the routine is Willa jumping into the air doing the splits with Max’s arm around her waist. He put NO effort into the move and so it wasn’t a technical lift. Open your eyes Carrie Ann — last year she told Stacy Kiebler that her sour face in SUBG was off-putting just because she didn’t listen to the lyrics of the song. What kind of an expert is Carrie? I am thinking she is an oblivious one.

    I am NOT a fan of Miss Evans but I was very pleased and impressed with her jive. I think she needs to keep her cowboy boots on for a few more weeks. Her routine was very entertaining.

    Oddly, Jerry was fine last night and Emmitt was boring. It seemed as if Mr. Smith simply learned the moves and footwork this week and did little else.

    Didn’t Mario learn after last week that there are rules? He was my favorite after week #1; but I have a major problem with people who don’t listen. It isn’t that he is not following directions or rules . . . he just simply chooses not to listen. HELLO?!

    Lastly, I am so UN-impressed with Vivica and her continuous raves from the judges. I liked her first dance; but after that I think she has been coasting by on the older lady, “it’s-harder-for-me” factor. There was NO way her dance was anywhere as good as Monique’s (they both got 3 9′s from the judges — one deserved the 9s and the other deserved 7s IMO). Also, I found it HIGHLY unfair that she didn’t have to do the jive like the other ladies in the competition. The tango is much more her speed and I am so hoping she didn’t get some sort of favortism because the show’s producers knew she wouldn’t be able to compete with the younger girls’ jives. This was very unfair and it was total crap that there was no explanation to the viewers of the switch-up. Did they assume we’d be too stupid to realize she got a different dance?

  14. 14
    mistichristi
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 4:51 pm

    What an ep! Moniques skirt falling, the judges yelling at everyone, and a possible romance? Would have loved to see what your notes said B-Side!
    Willa is good, so is Monique, Mario, Jerry and Joey, and Vivica. Emmit is allright but Sarah? I thought her jive was slow and is suppose to full of the little kicks which she barely did any of. Looked more like freestyle to me. Her smile bugs me too, I don’t know why.

  15. 15
    Laurie
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 5:16 pm

    Thanks to someone else noticing that Mario Lopez and his partner are totally sleeping together! Although any man that would cheat on Ali Landry isn’t really worth having.

    I like Sarah evans, and have most of her cd’s, but she’s a singer-not a dancer. It’s really time for her to go, but her Nashville fan base is totally going to be out in full force.

  16. 16
    sugarshane12
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 7:01 pm

    TWilliams,

    I only have a minimal amount of knowledge about dancing, but it seems to me that by the way “lift” is described, there doesn’t have to be any real physical lift by the male. It just means that the female performs a move that she couldn’t perform on her own. Willa clearly couldn’t do what she did had Max not assisted her.

    Is this definition correct?

  17. 17
    gretcheepoo
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 12:07 am

    I know we all know the results by now… but I thought Sarah Evans was nothing more than accelerated line dancing. Sorry Sara fans!

  18. 18
    unwise
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 12:32 am

    No mention of Monique’s wardrobe malfunction/ass slip? B-side- I thought you’d be all over that one! Also, what are those weird armbands that Joey wears around his biceps in the practice room? They’re not sweatbands…maybe he’s trying to rein in his bulging arms?

  19. 19
    hardly@work
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 6:36 am

    I forgot that Vivica did the tango, so I guess everyone can choose either dance to perform. I missed the Monique’s malfunction. I knew that was dIeter judging the pageant–being from LB makes him an authority on beauty and poise?

  20. 20
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 7:04 am

    Monique’s bare ass was the highlight of this show. It’s one bodacious ass! And how she managed to stay on her feet is beyond me.

  21. 21
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 7:05 am

    Now where’s the ANTM recap?

  22. 22
    happy_gal
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 7:52 am

    I am glad someone besides me noticed the complete ass-bearing on live national tv. I kept rewinding it and saying to my husband “You can see her entire bare butt!” I cannot believe there was no clipgasm of that priceless moment. It needs to be shown in slow-mo!!!!

  23. 23
    Jenny P
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 8:04 am

    I was going to mention how you forgot to mention Dieter’s cameo at the pagent judging…but it looks like some others beat me to it. I love it when members from one reality show cross over and appear randomly in another…

  24. 24
    hardly@work
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 8:19 am

    Her bare ass? Wow, can’t believe I missed that. REquesting a clipgasm….

  25. 25
    busybee68
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 9:40 am

    A bit off topic, but I received my most recent copy of US Magazine, and they had a couple of interesting tidbits re: the show. 1.) Though Mario Lopez did take some dance classes as a child, he said “no” when he was asked if he had any formal training, because he has never had any ballroom dance training.
    2.) According to “sources”, the reason Master P made it to the 4th week of competition last season despite his lack of effort is because his reps hired a telemarketing company to call in and vote for him.

  26. 26
    busybee68
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 9:49 am

    Here’s the link to the You Tube clip of Monique:

    I didn’t pay much attention when she danced that night, but now that I see this clip, I think she was great!

  27. 27
    may1
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 11:10 am

    Thank you busybee68. I missed it that night.

  28. 28
    TWilliams
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 12:01 pm

    Sugarshane, I believe your definition of a lift is accurate. It was nice of the judges to clarify a bit what was allowed and what wasn’t. I think the whole lift technicality is kind of blurry because some are definitely more of a lift than others but the judges have to have something to bitch about.

    I think it is strange that they were totally allowed last season because Carrie Ann INABA was so pleased with the lift Stacy took the risk of doing last season. I wish they’d let us know why they are no longer allowed . . . could it be that Jerry and Vivica couldn’t even begin to perform them and so it would be unfair to a couple of contestants? I say “too bad” and may the best win.

    Also, I had a major problem with the “demo-dance” from last night of the Paso Doble. They told us this is what we should be “looking for next week” although I think there were a grand total of about 5 or 6 lifts throughout the demonstration. Let’s NOT show us lifts if they are not allowed.

    And I still want an explanation of why one lady got to do a different dance.

  29. 29
    sassb
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    I was just wondering why was it okay for Vivica to do a cart wheel last week and Joey was scolded for a hand stand???????

  30. 30
    JTContinental
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 1:46 pm

    I really think that they should do some more close ups of the singers as they vanilla their way through the hip hop songs of yesterday and today. This week’s stirring performance of Hey Sexy Lady during Vivica A. Fox’s tango was priceless, particularly the lyric, “Your body’s bangin’ out of control.” I can only hope they make an album of all these numbers.

  31. 31
    mistichristi
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 4:08 pm

    TVWilliams,
    They were not aloud todo lifts last season at all in fact, Drew and Cheryl got in trouble. Also last season sometimes the dancers didn’t do certain dances their group was doing. It evens out in the en because the last few weeks they all do the dances that the didn’t do. Ie: girls do Tango and Boys do Jive then later it’s the oppisite. Sounds to me like you really don’t like Vivica. That’s cool though, but yeah all this happened last year too.

  32. 32
    mistichristi
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 4:09 pm

    Jeez do I need spell check or what?

  33. 33
    TWilliams
    Posted September 29, 2006 at 3:42 pm

    Mistichristi . . . who needs spellcheck? EdHill proves to us every week that it isn’t needed in any line of work.

    I wouldn’t say I dislike Vivica, I just am not overly fond of her. I think she gets by with a lot and gets a lot of praise for being average. I, too, question her praise for her cartwheel last week yet Joey gets shamed for doing a handstand in a jive.

    I do question the lift thing of last season, though. Why did Stacy FINALLY do a lift and get wrapped around Tony’s shoulders last season? Why had those “risks” been encouraged all last season if they were NOT allowed?

  34. 34
    mistichristi
    Posted September 30, 2006 at 8:50 am

    TV Williams,
    I am not sure. Mabey the judges just pick favorites? We know that is true.
    You ARE absoultely right about the cartwheel thing. That makes no sense that is was okay for Vivaca and not for Joey’s handstand. Mabey the judges were just so angry with Mario that they felt they had to make a huge point of it with everyone this week.

  35. 35
    mistichristi
    Posted September 30, 2006 at 8:52 am

    Oh for petes sake!! I am sorry! It’s TWilliams! Jeez! My fault, I did attend the “Ed Hill School For Grammatical Excellence “…………..

  36. 36
    Shaz
    Posted September 30, 2006 at 1:38 pm

    Forget Joey Lawrence’s outifts, what’s up with his eyebrows?? I can understand trimming them a bit, but his are totally sculpted, not a good look for a guy. And Vivica Fox looked a heck of a lot better before she stuffed her face with cheek implants. That being said, I do enjoy watching her dance. I just wish she’d get off the bad plastic surgery bandwagon.

  37. 37
    sugarshane12
    Posted September 30, 2006 at 8:55 pm

    TWilliams,

    The lift that Carrie Ann praised Stacy for last year was during her freestyle dance. In the freestyle, all the rules are pretty much thrown out the window. Lifts are allowed and whatnot. They did scold Giselle last year when she did a lift (during her rumba, if I’m not mistaken), however, that was the one and only time someone broke the rules last season, so we didn’t see quite so much drama.

    And to supplement my prior definition, both the female’s feet must be off the ground in addition to what I mentioned above, in order to constitute a lift. Obviously the women balance on the men for certain moves (like Sara’s kick during her jive), but when both feet are off the ground, and the female is able to manuver in a way in which she couldn’t without the support of the man, then that constitutes a lift.

  38. 38
    sugarshane12
    Posted September 30, 2006 at 8:59 pm

    Misti,

    I typed in TV Williams and then had to correct it both times I responded to his posts. I guess I’m just subconciously thinking about TVgasm :)

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