Dancing w/The Stars Recap: Slow Train to Funkytown

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad Men world this week on Dancing with the Staahs…the hairstyles alone would make a Weiner proud.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sad, dismayed, and perplexed to see Jaleel turn out a really good performance.  Think we can start a Fan-Based movement to vote for everyone BUT him?  We could run a get-out-the-vote campaign for our own Grassroots movement against arrogant dancing celebrities…but then half the cast would be eliminated by week 8.  What fun would that be?

The Motown tribute week starts with a moderately enjoyable yet disturbing performance from Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves and the Temptations.

I’ve been replaced by a Disney robot.

I can still sing in tune but not in time apparently.

Proof that men’s falsetto does not improve with age

 

I’m happy to honor the original artists, but the opener felt like a disappointing tribute revue at the Sahara.  I’m convinced that Smokey Robinson and Bruce Jenner have the same ‘doctor’.

It’s always fun to listen to the ‘Star’ introductions, but did you know this fact?

“I’m an ICON, bitch!”  Eat it, Kim Richards!

 

After a minute history of Motown, we’re right into the dancing action with Team Gladys – which is just right since Gladys Knight IS Motown.  Why does the show need to start with a comment about Gladys ‘showing personality’ in last week’s performance?  We all know that’s code for ‘fat girl’.  Maybe it’s just this fat girl reading too much into this…

Her hair and costuming was very flattering and young, but did anyone else feel like a school teacher was seducing Harry Potter?

In general the performance felt like Tristan was dragging Gladys through sand.  It was elegant dragging, but Gladys just felt slower than her partner by a long shot.  Gladys is an incredible performer, but this was definitely a bottom routine in the current crowd.

Len:  Pure dance with heart, not the best dancer but definitely most charismatic, 7
Bruno: He likes his Rhumba steamier, but if it had been steamier I would have thrown up, 7
Carrie Ann:  Too many forgetful moments, though Motown is your night, 7
Me:  If I was scoring in person, I’d be chased out of the ballroom with torches, 6

Next we have Team Maria, but regrettably I’m subjected to a return of the irritating horse laugh from beyond my last nerve.  At least she’s classing up the joint with a beautiful outfit and a hairstyle lifted from Don Draper’s new young wife.

Full coverage for Derek?  BOO!

I’m very pleased with the performance overall, Maria just kept smiling even as she slipped on her dress.  But Maria, please don’t insult the awesome DWTS House Band by saying it’s great to have the ‘true’ performers on stage.  I think you mean the ‘original’ performers, and in this case it was a little depressing.  Martha has been smoking or has some other lung issue because she isn’t getting the vocal range I expect.  Can we all collectively fire her manager for booking this gig?  I’m a little embarrassed on her behalf.

Len:  ‘Joy to my eyes, joy to my ears’.  What has he been drinking?  9
Bruno:  Gleaming blend of sophistication, wit and elegance  9
Carrie Ann:  Excellent work and a little bit of correction for her shoulders  8
Me:  Beautiful, small errors but great job.  Just please stop the freaky laughter!  8

Team Roshon subjects the audience to another nauseating ‘cutesy’ B.S. montage.  Sensual = Huggie?  Please.  At least 80% of the dancing on this show is ‘sexy’ or ‘flirty’ or even ‘raunchy’.  I can’t believe Roshon is a fraction of the naïve innocence he’s projecting, so it’s just annoying me.

Yes, Roshon, this is where babies come from.

Obviously this boy is obnoxious, but this week I finally realized who he reminds me of – a parody of young Wil Smith.  Am I right?

At least we get to see Len contemplate the direction his career has taken…

…as he’s treated to a front row seat for Bruno’s pelvic thrusting lesson.

Len: Clipped, jerky, painting by numbers  8
Bruno:  What you lack in size, you make up in fire  8
Carrie Ann:  Definitely sexy at the end but over exaggerated  7
Me:  I feel dirty, like I just watched a Toddlers & Tiaras episode where a 4 year old is gyrating to Lady Gaga.  7

Team Katherine seems to feel we need to see Katherine making mistakes to prove she’s not a secret pro.  Maybe it will generate more sympathy votes, but I’ve been voting for her because she’s good and fun to watch.  Not as fun to write about, why can’t I think of something funny about a dancer I adore?

Bring on the funk and joy, girl!

Len:  Katherine is the Midwife of the show – just keeps delivering and delivering.  My mind keeps moving from midwife = beehive = Utah = Sister Wife.  I need to get out more.  9
Bruno:  Baby, baby you can bounce!  I think he…liked it?  10
Carrie Ann:  Amazing!  You let it loose.  10
Me:  This number just put me in a great mood!  While I’m sure there were flaws, they didn’t jump out at me.  10

Team Donald treats us to a never ending kiss-ass montage to try and get Len on Donald’s side.  Well, since Len doesn’t seem to be as obsessed with Donald’s awesome torso as I am, a little sucking up is in order.  Oh, yeah, and learning technique, too.

Tight frame, Don!

Bruno:  Put so much into it but fell over at the very end.  9
Carrie Ann:  Seemed to enjoy the judge ‘dancing’ in the middle.  Blah.  9
Len:  I thought you would come out with fireworks, but didn’t…you came out and exploded!  9
Me:  It was good, not exceptional.  8

Time for the judges’ favorite whipping boy, Maks of Team Melissa.  Maks is now the editors’ favorite fish to fry, as he’s given a mean girl edit of epic proportions.  So is this manipulation to get the viewers on Melissa’s side?  I like arrogant, but “It could be worse, you could have an ugly partner” made me want to bust Maks’ nose.  While the Evil Maks edit didn’t force me to empathize with Melissa, I was proud of her for the loyalty displayed.  ‘85% of what we had last week has been great, what you just saw was not that percentage’.  How very unique in reality television…blame the editing.

Look!  Melissa’s learned a different expression while dancing!

Carrie Ann:  You work so hard and it’s starting to pay off.  8
Len:  Saw rotation, momentum, control, beautiful lyrical  8
Bruno:  Wonderful rotation and extension through the arms, going in the right direction  8
Me:  Melissa’s growing on me a bit.  I saw grace and even a few seconds of non-duck face!  Maybe the training footage manipulation is working on me after all.  8

It’s Team Jaleel’s turn to shine, and show a little personal growth as well.  “Demoralizing, humbling, brings you to your knees”.  Someone’s life coach has had a real impact this week.  Somehow I think Jaleel’s life coach gets more of a workout than Jacqueline Laurita’s.  Jaleel is very adamant about talking up his partner Kym and her teaching skills, too.  Being in the bottom really sucks, doesn’t it?

Your personality is the problem, let’s just try to get past it, okay?

Len:  Jaleel’s back in the game, boo!  9
Bruno:  Yadda, yadda, yadda, burn that slaw???  10
Carrie Ann:  A little warning to bring his ‘A’ game every time.  10
Me:  I enjoyed the performance just as much as I’d like to hate it since I find Jaleel so annoying.  9

Ready for some soft core porn with your Disney entertainment?  Good, because it’s time for Team William.  While the performance was…good for me…I think host Tom Bergeron said it best.  “William Levy, Cheryl Burke, Smokey Robinson and a cold shower for Bruno.”  Between that and the comment about later sitting at home reading 50 Shades of Grey…I’m getting a little uncomfortable sitting out in public typing this.  I might not be a natural redhead, but I can blush to my toes.

What’s a little crotch grab between partners, anyway?

This is totally safe for work…and network television.

Of course Len has to ruin the mood with some geriatric pelvic thrusting.

Len has become the ultimate cooler for sexual tension on this show.  Thanks, Len!

Bruno:  William, it was absolute and utter filth and I loved every minute of it.  Down, boy!  10
Carrie Ann:  Of course she thanks William for the visual stimulation, but gets her judge pants on and asks for more dancing and content.  What happened to Carrie Ann?  9
Len:  Way too raunchy, but then treats us to nauseating pelvic thrusting of his own.  Love it when you yell at the over-enthusiastic audience, but please lay off the sexy time, okay?  8
Me:  I just watched two people hump for a full routine.  I’m going to step away from the computer for a sec…okay.  Wow.  Uh, 8, 9, 10, who cares?

So as we all cool off, we’re treated to another Smokey Robinson hit, Tears of a Clown.  Of course this is the point when a nurse comes in and asks what I’m watching.  “Wow, which star is that, looks really incredible!”

Anna and Val, you’ve just impressed a random NCCU nurse.  Anna, I told her you were a reality star from Russian Dolls.  Hope you forgive me.

After that brief interlude to give everyone a chance to change into another dancing outfit, it’s time for a good old fashioned dance off!  With all the retro hair it looks like a Grease revival.  The couples will Cha-Cha for up to 4 minutes, with the judges picking off the worst dancing couple on the floor one by one.   First couple off gets 3 bonus points, second 4 bonus and so on.  It’s the reverse of my favorite childhood nightmare:  picking teams for dodge ball.

Dancing for 4 whole minutes?  Diva don’t play that, sorry.

It’s fun to watch all of the stars talking smack about knocking each other off the floor, even more amusing if someone actually were to knock another person down (without injury, of course).  In reality, it’s just an excuse to burn another 10 minutes of airtime and hundreds of calories.  That, and have Jaleel throw a ball of marbles into a dance studio.  Uncool, man.

We might not see those guns tonight in the flesh, but we get to see them in action from Donald.

First out, Gladys and Tristan.  Next, Maria and Derek.  Roshon and Chelsie, then Melissa and Maks, and Donald and Peta.  I don’t see Donald performing any sabotage before he’s kicked off the stage.  Fortunately Jaleel and Kym are next just as he was ready to pull the trick rhinestone bead line of doom, I’m sure.  Down to the last 2 couples, William and Cheryl begin a quick judge pandering run and a few showy slides across the stage while Katherine and Mark concentrate on dancing.  Can you guess who comes out on top?

I guess dancing beats the showy tricks sometimes.

So that’s funky town week, Gasmii.  Sorry my funny bone isn’t at 100%.  Hopefully this time next week Jaleel will be in the bottom two again, Melissa will continue her growth with a third facial expression, and Donald will give me the costuming I deserve to ogle his forearms.

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