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It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad Men world this week on Dancing with the Staahs…the hairstyles alone would make a Weiner proud.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sad, dismayed, and perplexed to see Jaleel turn out a really good performance. Think we can start a Fan-Based movement to vote for everyone BUT him? We could run a get-out-the-vote campaign for our own Grassroots movement against arrogant dancing celebrities…but then half the cast would be eliminated by week 8. What fun would that be?
The Motown tribute week starts with a moderately enjoyable yet disturbing performance from Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves and the Temptations.
I’m happy to honor the original artists, but the opener felt like a disappointing tribute revue at the Sahara. I’m convinced that Smokey Robinson and Bruce Jenner have the same ‘doctor’.
It’s always fun to listen to the ‘Star’ introductions, but did you know this fact?
After a minute history of Motown, we’re right into the dancing action with Team Gladys – which is just right since Gladys Knight IS Motown. Why does the show need to start with a comment about Gladys ‘showing personality’ in last week’s performance? We all know that’s code for ‘fat girl’. Maybe it’s just this fat girl reading too much into this…
In general the performance felt like Tristan was dragging Gladys through sand. It was elegant dragging, but Gladys just felt slower than her partner by a long shot. Gladys is an incredible performer, but this was definitely a bottom routine in the current crowd.
Len: Pure dance with heart, not the best dancer but definitely most charismatic, 7
Bruno: He likes his Rhumba steamier, but if it had been steamier I would have thrown up, 7
Carrie Ann: Too many forgetful moments, though Motown is your night, 7
Me: If I was scoring in person, I’d be chased out of the ballroom with torches, 6
Next we have Team Maria, but regrettably I’m subjected to a return of the irritating horse laugh from beyond my last nerve. At least she’s classing up the joint with a beautiful outfit and a hairstyle lifted from Don Draper’s new young wife.
I’m very pleased with the performance overall, Maria just kept smiling even as she slipped on her dress. But Maria, please don’t insult the awesome DWTS House Band by saying it’s great to have the ‘true’ performers on stage. I think you mean the ‘original’ performers, and in this case it was a little depressing. Martha has been smoking or has some other lung issue because she isn’t getting the vocal range I expect. Can we all collectively fire her manager for booking this gig? I’m a little embarrassed on her behalf.
Len: ‘Joy to my eyes, joy to my ears’. What has he been drinking? 9
Bruno: Gleaming blend of sophistication, wit and elegance 9
Carrie Ann: Excellent work and a little bit of correction for her shoulders 8
Me: Beautiful, small errors but great job. Just please stop the freaky laughter! 8
Team Roshon subjects the audience to another nauseating ‘cutesy’ B.S. montage. Sensual = Huggie? Please. At least 80% of the dancing on this show is ‘sexy’ or ‘flirty’ or even ‘raunchy’. I can’t believe Roshon is a fraction of the naïve innocence he’s projecting, so it’s just annoying me.
Obviously this boy is obnoxious, but this week I finally realized who he reminds me of – a parody of young Wil Smith. Am I right?
Len: Clipped, jerky, painting by numbers 8
Bruno: What you lack in size, you make up in fire 8
Carrie Ann: Definitely sexy at the end but over exaggerated 7
Me: I feel dirty, like I just watched a Toddlers & Tiaras episode where a 4 year old is gyrating to Lady Gaga. 7
Team Katherine seems to feel we need to see Katherine making mistakes to prove she’s not a secret pro. Maybe it will generate more sympathy votes, but I’ve been voting for her because she’s good and fun to watch. Not as fun to write about, why can’t I think of something funny about a dancer I adore?
Len: Katherine is the Midwife of the show – just keeps delivering and delivering. My mind keeps moving from midwife = beehive = Utah = Sister Wife. I need to get out more. 9
Bruno: Baby, baby you can bounce! I think he…liked it? 10
Carrie Ann: Amazing! You let it loose. 10
Me: This number just put me in a great mood! While I’m sure there were flaws, they didn’t jump out at me. 10
Team Donald treats us to a never ending kiss-ass montage to try and get Len on Donald’s side. Well, since Len doesn’t seem to be as obsessed with Donald’s awesome torso as I am, a little sucking up is in order. Oh, yeah, and learning technique, too.
Bruno: Put so much into it but fell over at the very end. 9
Carrie Ann: Seemed to enjoy the judge ‘dancing’ in the middle. Blah. 9
Len: I thought you would come out with fireworks, but didn’t…you came out and exploded! 9
Me: It was good, not exceptional. 8
Time for the judges’ favorite whipping boy, Maks of Team Melissa. Maks is now the editors’ favorite fish to fry, as he’s given a mean girl edit of epic proportions. So is this manipulation to get the viewers on Melissa’s side? I like arrogant, but “It could be worse, you could have an ugly partner” made me want to bust Maks’ nose. While the Evil Maks edit didn’t force me to empathize with Melissa, I was proud of her for the loyalty displayed. ‘85% of what we had last week has been great, what you just saw was not that percentage’. How very unique in reality television…blame the editing.
Carrie Ann: You work so hard and it’s starting to pay off. 8
Len: Saw rotation, momentum, control, beautiful lyrical 8
Bruno: Wonderful rotation and extension through the arms, going in the right direction 8
Me: Melissa’s growing on me a bit. I saw grace and even a few seconds of non-duck face! Maybe the training footage manipulation is working on me after all. 8
It’s Team Jaleel’s turn to shine, and show a little personal growth as well. “Demoralizing, humbling, brings you to your knees”. Someone’s life coach has had a real impact this week. Somehow I think Jaleel’s life coach gets more of a workout than Jacqueline Laurita’s. Jaleel is very adamant about talking up his partner Kym and her teaching skills, too. Being in the bottom really sucks, doesn’t it?
Len: Jaleel’s back in the game, boo! 9
Bruno: Yadda, yadda, yadda, burn that slaw??? 10
Carrie Ann: A little warning to bring his ‘A’ game every time. 10
Me: I enjoyed the performance just as much as I’d like to hate it since I find Jaleel so annoying. 9
Ready for some soft core porn with your Disney entertainment? Good, because it’s time for Team William. While the performance was…good for me…I think host Tom Bergeron said it best. “William Levy, Cheryl Burke, Smokey Robinson and a cold shower for Bruno.” Between that and the comment about later sitting at home reading 50 Shades of Grey…I’m getting a little uncomfortable sitting out in public typing this. I might not be a natural redhead, but I can blush to my toes.
Len has become the ultimate cooler for sexual tension on this show. Thanks, Len!
Bruno: William, it was absolute and utter filth and I loved every minute of it. Down, boy! 10
Carrie Ann: Of course she thanks William for the visual stimulation, but gets her judge pants on and asks for more dancing and content. What happened to Carrie Ann? 9
Len: Way too raunchy, but then treats us to nauseating pelvic thrusting of his own. Love it when you yell at the over-enthusiastic audience, but please lay off the sexy time, okay? 8
Me: I just watched two people hump for a full routine. I’m going to step away from the computer for a sec…okay. Wow. Uh, 8, 9, 10, who cares?
So as we all cool off, we’re treated to another Smokey Robinson hit, Tears of a Clown. Of course this is the point when a nurse comes in and asks what I’m watching. “Wow, which star is that, looks really incredible!”
After that brief interlude to give everyone a chance to change into another dancing outfit, it’s time for a good old fashioned dance off! With all the retro hair it looks like a Grease revival. The couples will Cha-Cha for up to 4 minutes, with the judges picking off the worst dancing couple on the floor one by one. First couple off gets 3 bonus points, second 4 bonus and so on. It’s the reverse of my favorite childhood nightmare: picking teams for dodge ball.
It’s fun to watch all of the stars talking smack about knocking each other off the floor, even more amusing if someone actually were to knock another person down (without injury, of course). In reality, it’s just an excuse to burn another 10 minutes of airtime and hundreds of calories. That, and have Jaleel throw a ball of marbles into a dance studio. Uncool, man.
First out, Gladys and Tristan. Next, Maria and Derek. Roshon and Chelsie, then Melissa and Maks, and Donald and Peta. I don’t see Donald performing any sabotage before he’s kicked off the stage. Fortunately Jaleel and Kym are next just as he was ready to pull the trick rhinestone bead line of doom, I’m sure. Down to the last 2 couples, William and Cheryl begin a quick judge pandering run and a few showy slides across the stage while Katherine and Mark concentrate on dancing. Can you guess who comes out on top?
So that’s funky town week, Gasmii. Sorry my funny bone isn’t at 100%. Hopefully this time next week Jaleel will be in the bottom two again, Melissa will continue her growth with a third facial expression, and Donald will give me the costuming I deserve to ogle his forearms.
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