Dancing w/The Stars Recap: Time to Get Off the Boat

With all the bad things happening in the world, isn’t it a relief to have feathers, glitter and glory of sparkle motion to fall back on?  I might be parked in an ICU right now, but I’ve found some common ground with the nursing staff debating Melissa Gilbert’s duck expressions and the level of ‘sexy’ team Maria is bringing down.

At this point I’m not sure if Derek’s ‘feeling it’ or just scared.

Monday’s action saw some beautiful movement, awkward strutting and completely random scoring as always, but tonight’s time for the new SUDDEN DEATH DANCE OFF.  Before we get to the real action, it’s time for an encore performance of the insatiable Derek and Maria’s ménage-a-salsa.

I’d like to dedicate this gratuitous chest shot to T-Cake!

 

This one’s for me.  Hot damn.

 

Maria and Derek mix up the routine a bit by molesting the judges’ faces rather than each other, but wouldn’t it be more balsy for Maria to take Kerry Ann and Derek, Bruno?  Just sayin…

Our first three couples are up for some behind the scenes action and time in the spotlight of doom:

Team Gladys:  Gladys is just such a nice person with such a good attitude – it sucks that the dance just wasn’t very good.  Safe for now, gotta be the fans for sure.

Team Melissa:  Her behind the scenes make Melissa seem more human, but the scores only seem low because everyone else’s are so artificially high right now.  Safe, but it’s certainly not judge scoring keeping this couple in the game.  Is Maks really that hot?  Not really, it’s his attitude I like more than anything.

Team Maria:  When the judges are singing for you before the performance, I KNOW the scores are inflated.  Of course, that’s all part of the show, right?  What fun would a fair competition be anyway?  Safe, of course.

As with all new features, we get the torture treat of a long montage to tease the segment.  What will our dance duel consist of?

First I will begin with a series of random crazy eye movements as I grit my teeth and prepare to pick the couple the producers want me to keep.

I will be taking notes on the best overall ‘package’, and writing Mrs. Kerry Ann Levy over and over in my notebook.

I will play against type and pay attention to the couple with the best execution – hey, where are you going camera?

 

So, while this is Latin week, we get a performance from Train (huh?).  Please explain how ‘Drive By’ is a Latin song?  Who cares when the pros give us some pretty Latin dance to it?

More realistic than Ballroom set to Bohemian Rhapsody, so I’ll take it.

 

The next performance is the real treat of the night.  Sheila E, the famous percussionist and former Prince Collaborator delights with a trip to Carnival!  Now that’s some Latin motion.

She’s hot, she’s powerful.  Now I’m getting hot and bothered.

Here’s how you pander to the judges.  Her ass is right in (G)Len’s face.  He will die a happy man.

 

Rather than get to any more competition action, a third musical performance is shoved in, Selena Gomez.  While she might have a Latin name, I don’t get how she fits in any more than Train.  Her music is pretty random pop blah, blah.

I won’t hold the generic music against the dancers.

Finally some competition details – since this is a competition show and all, it’s about time…

Team Donald:  The audience was really bagging on Len for being honest, strutting might be part of dancing but strutting alone a dance does not make.  Donald might appear to be upset with Len’s scoring, but let’s get real, Kerry Ann’s 10 was way too much.  Donald quickly composes himself to avoid the stink of Douche coming from Jaleel’s corner.  Safe

Team Katherine:  She’s a warm ball of English sunshine.  Katherine, you might start giving me a toothache.  Feel free to be a little more moody and unapproachable so I don’t have to hate you eventually!  (kidding)  Safe

Team William:  William fought through the foot pain to give Kerry Ann a great wet dream.  I guess I’m turning in my girl-card because William isn’t doing anything for me today… Safe

After a quick preview of a pro-battle competition on the Dancing with the Stars website, we get to see results on the final three couples and which two will be competing tonight.  Who am I kidding?  We will see who is battling against sinking ship Team Gavin.

Team Jaleel:  We’re treated to the most disturbing pep talk of the night on the floor, complete with fake roar.  I’m starting to dislike Jaleel.  Unfair?  Maybe.

Bitch, please.  If we weren’t on camera right now I’d be pissed.

Never say Jaleel isn’t willing to pander to the crowd!

 

Team Roshon:  We’re treated to some backstage autograph signing, probably to prove that Roshon has fans out there somewhere or an eBay store.  We get a little bit of the Little Mermaid meets Jungle Book dance action and of course some immature posturing in the kiss and cry back stage afterwards.

Team Gavin:  Karina’s on a sinking ship and she knows it, so we get a little more information than I require on what it’s like to be her dance partner.

Is this supposed to motivate Gavin to move quicker on the dance floor?

Gavin has no illusions; he declares that he will be performing in the dance duel.  Doesn’t take a psychic to figure that one out – I saw the boat and knew that performance was doomed.

After a falsely dramatic reveal, we find that Roshon is safe so it will be Team Jaleel vs Team Gavin!  Jaleel tries to start the competition with a little singing (not the best idea when your competition sings for a living).

Dammit, I need more fan appeal; my agent said I would win this contest easily!

Gavin is pretty blase about the whole duel; Karina’s trying to hold back tears because she knows they’re doomed.

You see, the cha-cha doesn’t really fit in with my hipster, slacker vibe so I’ll just be tanking this, okay?

We’re treated to a little footage as the bottom two couples learn their last-minute cha-cha, Gavin last night and Jaleel earlier the same morning.  Gavin hasn’t given up, he’s trying for Karina but his heart seems to be in the interviews more than learning the dance.

Both couples have changed into their cha-cha outfits (why are new outfits necessary?) and preparing for battle.  The couples will be dividing up the dance floor and dancing the same type of dance almost simultaneously.  Now if they were exactly identical, I think it would be more obvious who is messing up a move, but I guess the judges can look back and forth during the transitions.  In any case, with both ‘stars’ being guys it looks more like a battle of the strut than a cha-cha.

Who can swing their arms better?  I think it’s obvious.

I’m actually disappointed.  I was hoping for identical dances so we could be more objective, but here are the judges’ reactions:

Kerry Ann:  Gavin moved his knees, but Jaleel had better definition of movement and a more cha-cha experience.  She’s giving it to Jaleel and Kim.

(G)Len:  Gavin gave it 100%.  Len, 100% of crap is just a ton of crap.  Jaleel had great movement.  He’s giving it to Jaleel and Kim.

Bruno:  Gavin, great knee work from one pro to another.  Jaleel, smooth and fantastic turns.  And it’s unanimous, Jaleel and Kim are safe.

Bye bye Gavin!  I think Kim just realized she’s dancing another week with Jaleel.

So what did you think this week Gasmii?  I’m in complete agreement with who went home, I think it’s just a matter of time for Jaleel and Gladys at this point.  Also, is it too much to ask that all the professional performances be related to theme?  I’m expecting Nine Inch Nails to perform for Motown week if this keeps up.

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