Dancing With The Stars: Will The Crazy Swamp Bear Run Amuck?

While Billy Ray Cyrus was a contestant on last Spring’s season of Dancing With the Stars, he took several nasty dressing-downs from the judges, including one during which acid-tongued Bruno described the kindly country star as a crazed swamp bear. Now the ursine singer has returned as part of the results show entertainment. Will he demonstrate his hard won dancing skills, or will he play it safe and simply – with a nod here to Laura Ingraham – Shut Up and Sing.

Uh-oh. Kelly Clarkson’s putting on weight again.

Wake up, Marie, you’ve got a show to put on!

Oh! But first, let us all rejoice! Drew Lachey begins the show by announcing he’s filling in for Samantha Harris one last time!!!! Whoo-hoo!!! This leaves me with a choice…do I celebrate because Lachey will no longer be wasting my time or do I make merry because I’ll have Samantha to ridicule, and she provides so much material? Hmmmm… While I consider my options, it’s time to very slowly eliminate one more couple.

They start with the requisite recap of the performances, and I notice something that hasn’t previously caught my attention: Floyd Mayweather dances primarily using only his butt. Where most dancers use their whole bodies, he’s substituting pelvic thrusts. It’s just not appropriate for ballroom…unless you’re working on a porn flick called Ball Room, and still it’s just not right.

As I predicted in Monday’s recap, the judges are working to repair Jennie Garth’s wounded ego after landing on her ass last week. To help her become more self-actualized, they choose her and Derek to repeat their tango as the “dance of the week.”

That is not a high five!

Then the process of announcing which pairs are safe begins, and someone in the tech booth gets sloppy with the microphones. A woman could clearly be heard whispering “bitch” at someone else, followed by shots of Jane looking quizzical and Jennie appearing shocked. I would love to know who’s doing the name-calling and why…or hear your speculations. Feel free to post ‘em.

Afterwards, Grammy winner Seal came out to sing. I’ve always been a fan, so it’s hard for me to make fun of Seal…except for his suit, which I think he pinched from the Good Humor man. He seemed to be having a difficult time singing, and unfortunately made his own hit sound like it was being sung by an American Idol contestant…one that doesn’t make it to Hollywood. Maybe Heidi Klum has a kind of Delilah effect on his singing abilities, sucking the life right out of him.

We all sing for ice cream.

Tom Bergeron takes a moment to point that Anne Heche, star of ABC’s Men In Trees, is in the audience. I wonder idly if Heche had starred in this show during the nineties, would it have been Women In Bushes instead.

I hope Ellen is at home laughing her behind off right now.

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus then take the stage. He was great, but she probably shouldn’t have inhaled that helium before singing. It was a slow-tempo song, and Billy Ray left the dancing up to Maksim and Karina. Unfortunately, Maks found a shirt to wear. And not surprisingly, Billy Ray chose not to speak to the judges… even if he had, he probably just would have been all polite and humble, and where’s the fun in that?

Then we view a video giving us precious little insight into who is to blame for some of these God awful music choices, but the vid also illustrates the process that occurs after the lousy music is assigned. The clips also show us band leader Harold Wheeler helping the musicians get ready…not an easy thing, considering how much music they have to play and sing each week.

Tom Bergeron mentions Drew will be hosting some kind of new program in the Spring along with Carrie Ann and Bruno. Hey, Flipit…don’t look for me to review that one for TVGasm. I’ve vowed to never again willingly subject myself to Mr. Lachey as a host of anything. Then we cut backstage to the male dancers making fun of Drew’s height. C’mon guys…just because he could be a member of The Lollipop Guild is no reason to pick on him.

It all comes down to Wayne Newton and Cheryl versus Floyd and Karina. How is Mark Cuban staying in this game? Is he paying people to vote for him? Can I get on that gravy train? As the red light illuminates their not very shocked faces, I note Wayne scrubbed the magic marker off from under his nose, but he kept the ponytail he borrowed from the dad on Dharma and Greg. Then Tom announces that, sadly, Wayne’s run comes to an end. Is anyone really amazed by this? During Wayne and Cheryl’s tango, it looked like the botox had atrophied the man’s entire body. We’ll all miss his perma-smile, though.

Would we know if Wayne was crying?

That’s it, kids…although I’m starting a pool for next week: I’m gonna guess the stars of ABC’s new shows Women’s Murder Club and Samantha Who? will be in the audience. Place your bets now. No prizes or money…just braggin’ rights.