Dancing With The Stars: The Smile Has Left Your Eyes

It’s time to send someone back to their agent to find more work…whomever will it be? Well, based on everything we know about Dancing With the Stars, it should be the person who has a low score from the judges – not necessarily the lowest – and the smallest fan base. That should narrow the field considerably. I figure it has to be between boxer Floyd Mayweather and annoying billionaire Mark Cuban. Let’s see if I’m right.

Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris welcome us to the show, then review the performances for those who missed it. I should have just watched this part when my cat taped over Monday’s show. As they review the dances, scores, and the lift brou-ha-ha, I notice Mark Cuban’s so-called smile bares a disturbing resemblance to Rosie O’Donnell’s teeth-baring grimace. Just another reason not to like the guy.

Mark & Rosie: Separated at birth.

Then the classic quote of the night came from Floyd’s confessional interview, “When I used to watch ballroom dancing on T.V., I was like ‘Oh, that’s crap.’” Floyd, my friend, don’t fool yourself…the viewers of this show often feel the same way. He followed up with the insightful observation that ballroom dancing is better than hip hop dancing. I would add, only if it’s done well.

Len reiterates that if there are lifts in the future, there will be penalties…likely being sent to solitary confinement or possibly being drawn and quartered. Or maybe they’ll just take the couple out and shoot ‘em. The judges take these rules pretty seriously, ya know.

In spite of including one of the aforementioned lifts, Cameron and Edyta are asked to reprise their paso, which was certainly an improvement on their past performances, but by no means the dance of the night. However, they dutifully take to the floor and use up a minute and twenty seconds of air time.

What exactly are you checking?

Next up we learn that Gloria Estefan was supposed to perform, but bailed at the last minute, leaving 24 hours for the band and the unknown singers to get up to speed and cover for her. We aren’t told why Estefan couldn’t make it, but the woman probably didn’t want to be associated with a program that included all those illegal lifts. She’s got a reputation to protect. The singers deliver a version of The Rhythm Is Gonna Getcha perfect for a three star hotel lounge. The rhythm might get you, but you’re in no danger from the personality. Bartender…another martini, please.

The Not Gloria Estefan Singers

The filler song and dance is followed by inane comments from audience members, including a gem about Mark Cuban not having what the other contestants have. That may be true, but Cuban has enough money to buy whatever he’s missing…including votes. A pre-taped Jimmy Kimmel bit pokes fun at the extraordinary use of tanning beds for this show. It would have been better if they had gotten prior-contestant George Hamilton to expound on all things baked, as he is the expert. And the tape leaves out one of the more interesting, and politically incorrect, facts: Wayne Newton asked the make-up artists to make him “Indian brown”…like they only come in one shade.

Which shade: Sitting Bull or Pocahontas?

Finally the moment I’ve been waiting for: Wade Robson. I’ll tell you up front, I am an unabashed Wade Robson fan. The man is one of the most innovative choreographers ever, and stands as this generation’s George Balanchine or Bob Fosse. Sheer genius.

I told you…No lifts.

It’s unusual for him to actually perform, so this is a landmark occasion…and he doesn’t disappoint. The dance is his very recognizable style of slightly disjointed, unusual movements set to Hi by Psapp. If you looked closely, you could spot some familiar faces…alumni from past seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, including Travis, Donyelle, and possibly Heidi. And I loved Robson’s not-so-subtle nod Stars of Dance segment sponsor Macy’s, in the form of the big red star painted around his eye.

Hump? What hump?

More filler was to follow, as Wayne Newton appeared to sing his signature tune, Danke Shane. He’s part of the band-aid covering the hole left by Gloria Estefan’s cancellation. They probably could have gotten any number of Osmonds if they had asked. But it could have been worse…they could have let Willa Ford fill in. While Wayne warbles, his former partner, Cheryl Burke, comes out with her former partner, season two champ Drew Lachey. I silently thank God that Drew is no longer co-hosting this show.

At least he isn’t talking.

Tom and Samantha return to narrow the number of couples still in the running to be American’s Next Top Model, or whatever it is these guys win, and the first pair saved is Mark and Kym. What??? These guys had the lowest score, and Mark can’t possibly have the number of fans these other celebrities have accumulated…so how the heck is he staying in this competition? C’mon. Somewhere at ABC is a vote counter with his or her pants on fire. And that means one of the higher scoring couples is in the bottom two. Turns out to be Maks and Mel B. getting the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is payback for that infernal Wannabe song.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!

The two of them are bathed in the evil red glow, along with the other couple in danger, Floyd and Karina. It isn’t very shocking the boxer is in the bottom ranks, as he’s got about as much dancing talent as a cantaloupe, but Maks and Mel? Last night was the first time I enjoyed them. Plus I’m looking forward to the footage next week of Maks with the rest of the Spice Girls: Middle-Age Spice, Arthritis Spice, Stale Spice, and Gold-Digger Spice.

After much shilly-shallying, Tom Bergeron finally eliminates…Floyd and Karina. If I was Len, I would say Floyd has been knocked out. Luckily for all of us, I’m not that cheesy. Floyd doesn’t look particularly broken up about leaving. After all, he’s got a fight to train for, and if he wins that he stands to gain a lot more than a mirror ball trophy.

“This light does nothing for my complexion…”