Dancing With The Stars: On The Floor In More Ways Than One

This season’s Dancing With The Stars is proving more exciting than the last four combined, with blood, falls, spirited arguments over controversial moves, and now a complete collapse.

Not a panty frill showing.

By now everyone in the Western hemisphere has seen the footage of Marie Osmond. Monday night, following her samba with partner Jonathon, she stood awaiting her review from the judges…when suddenly the poor woman’s eyes rolled back into her head like the spinners in a slot machine, and down she went.

Marie studies the inside of her eyelids.

On the upside, years of being a professional Osmond trained her well: she maintained her dignity and fell like a lady, never showing so much as a piece of lace…more than Britney Spears manages to do when ostensibly fully conscious. Some have speculated Marie isn’t eating enough, but Ms. Osmond maintains it was a matter of breathing…or in her case not breathing. She says the air quality has been affected by the fires. Or all that hot air from Donald Trump, Sean Penn, and Michael Moore. Regardless of the cause, it made for some compelling television, created priceless additional exposure for the already top-rated show, boosted the sales of the new Marie Osmond doll introduced this week, and created a run on tickets to her upcoming concert in England with her brother, Donny. A pair of front row seats sold for over $14,000…not that I’m cynical, or anything. I’m not blaming Marie…just TPTB. Anyway, after a really long commercial break, we were spared the judge’s critique, and the dance was awarded 21 points. The fall to the floor received a perfect score.

Jane Seymore and her partner, Tony, were in the unenviable position of having to follow the dramatic moment. Jane is too elegant and classy for most Latin hip-shaking, but the two decided to tackle a rhumba…a dance which always makes me think of Ellie Mae and Jethro, out by the see-ment pond, wresting while debating the merits of rhumba versus cha-cha-cha. (Those of you who know the episode are laughing…those who don’t, think I’m having some kind of drug induced flashbacks.) For the performance, Jane borrowed one of Edyta’s old costumes, but she has the body to pull it off, so I’ll let it pass. Needless to say, there were no lifts this week…just a slightly tentative, pretty good representation of a rhumba. Bruno described Jane as classy, never trashy, and always Rodeo Drive…but pronounced it like the bull-riding sport, not the Beverly Hills shopping district. Carrie Ann commented on the likeness to Edyta…so it wasn’t my imagination…but criticized Jane’s spotting. Len enjoyed the romance of the presentation. 26 points total.

Next up were Mark Cuban and Kym. As we suffered through the preview video, suddenly (mercifully) it broke in the middle and the screen went black. I can only imagine some mischievous technician in the booth intentionally hitting the button. For this alone, I’d like to nominate that guy for an Emmy for vastly improving this show.

Latin night is all about sexiness, but to all appearances Cuban didn’t get the memo. Or perhaps he just isn’t familiar with the word. Mark and Kym really upped the “eewwwwww factor” this week with a samba choreographed as an ode to I Dream Of Jeannie. While Kym is actually a pretty good likeness for Barbara Eden and looked stunning in her costume, for some reason instead of being partnered with a stodgy yet still masculine homage to Major Tony Nelson (originated by Larry Hagman,) she was paired with a refugee from Revenge of The Nerds…complete with Mark using a robotic, 14 year-old boy’s voice referencing prime numbers.

“I keep blinking my eyes, but he won’t go away.”

Creepy? You bet. Especially when you factor in Mark’s PeeWee Herman-style moves. For some unfathomable reason, the judges are too cowardly to tell this pigeon-toed, egotistical jerk just how bad a dancer he really is. Whereas they rip some unsuspecting celebrities to shreds with the cruel comments, this guy gets the kid-gloves treatment: Carrie Ann said it was entertaining and she liked it. I can only conclude she has continued the course of thorazine begun during last week’s lift scandal. Bruno called the dance a geek fantasy, and emphasized the entertainment value. Len was the only one remotely realistic. He said that although he also found it entertaining, Mark’s best hope was to find Jeannie’s lamp, rub it, and hope some magic will sort his feet out. A score of 21…and no one even passed out.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that IMO, Sabrina Bryan doesn’t belong in this competition, having produced and starred in a dance DVD. I’m not all that impressed by her. Part of it is my complaint about her profession being too closely linked to dancing…part of it is I just don’t relate to giggly, perky teens, and she annoys me.

Sabrina was faced with an unusual challenge this week, however, when partner Mark revealed he is a serious momma’s boy. And to compound the problem, Momma’s a three-time World Latin Champion. Great. Overbearing and talented. And who in their right mind wants to do sexy moves in front of someone’s mother. This is the stuff of which nightmares are made…not to mention years of therapy. And it’s even more awkward when you add the rumors about Sabrina and Mark really dating. Their rhumba was performed to the marvelous oldie saluting adultery, Me and Mrs. Jones. I guess it was meant to emphasize they’ve “got a thing goin’ on.” The result was almost more intimacy than I want to witness, unless I’m using the hotel pay-per-view. The judges fought to see who could be more effusive in their compliments: great, no weaknesses, superb musicality, blah blah blah. A score of 28.

Sabrina checks her anti-perspirant.

Jennie Garth and Derek headed to the stage next for a samba. Jennie was garbed in an unfortunate yellow feathery fringe number that included some kind of tail, making her look like a less-clumsy version Big Bird. Pity Derek didn’t don a Kermit suit to go with it. The dance itself was alright, but it’s always strange watching these two, as they give off a vibe closer to buddies or siblings that makes these kind of sultry, sexy dances a little odd…like if Donny and Marie were to perform one as a couple. I believe Jennie is who the producers are hoping will ultimately win DWTS, as they’ve made it very clear they want a woman champion this time…so the judges are always gentle with her, telling her how talented she is, and how she is improving. 25 points.

“Never-Never Land is that way.”

Helio Castroneves and Julianne continue to get battered by harsh judging. I think the people in charge are trying to drive the man out, as he presents the biggest threat to their goal of a woman winning. I’m fairly certain mysterious phone calls, covert memos, and a grassy knoll are all somehow involved. In the lead-in video, Julianne tries to teach Helio not to flash his infectious smile during their dance. And he succeeds for the performance in keeping a serious expression while they present a serviceable rhumba. My only objection is to Helio’s outfit, which I think may have been stolen from Jack Lalanne. (It’s arcane reference week.) Carrie Ann stated she was unsatisfied with the dance, and complained about a lack of chemistry. Len agreed, saying it was mechanical, and he’s experienced more warmth at the dentist. Bruno said Helio looked like he was in pain. Where was this brutality when they were reviewing Mark Cuban? Only 23 points.

Melanie B. and Maksim were both battling illnesses this week…sore throats, ear infections, and a horrible infestation of former pop stars. Yes, the Spice Girls have re-formed for a new album and tour. Gosh. I’m quaking with excitement. Of course, they needed to film part of a video right now, so Old Spice and Maks high-tailed it to London where they practiced their samba between photo ops. In spite of being germ-laden, they deliver an impressive performance. Len praised them for getting their “bums in gear.” Bruno described it as lively pleasure. Carrie Ann declared it was the best samba of the night. And it never hurts that Maks was wearing an open front shirt. Final tally: 29 points.

“Remember…if the judges score us low, we breath our germs on ‘em.”

Cameron Mathison and Edyta closed the show. In the rehearsal footage, Edyta explains they will be doing a rhumba…but pronounces it like the robotic vacuum cleaner, Roombaâ„¢. The very tiny Susan Lucci (who plays Erica Kane on All My Children) arrived to remind us this show is on ABC, and Cameron is really a soap actor…like his dancing didn’t tip us off. Edyta this week was resplendent in only her underwear and some strategically placed strands of beads, but the pair risked the wrath of the judges by including a lift. I guess they were wearing ear plugs during last week’s shouting match. During the ensuing applause the cameraman for no apparent reason pans to Rebecca Buddig (formerly Greenlee Dupre Lavery on AMC) and her husband, Bachelor star Bob Guiney. Bruno praises the passion in the dance. Carrie Ann spotted the lift, but was dazzled by the chemistry. Len liked the dance, but chides Edyta for her repetitive choreography. 26 points.

Grandma’s old beads never looked so good.

Looking forward to the results show…Jennifer Lopez is scheduled to lipsynch.