Dancing With The Stars welcomes one of music’s most popular princesses…begging the question, why does International Superstar Jennifer Lopez need exposure on network T.V.? And wouldn’t her time be better spent in an acting class?
Remembered the boots. Forgot the pants.
J-Lo isn’t shy about wrangling appearances on whatever show happens to be big at the moment…from Will & Grace (when it still topped the ratings) to American Idol, the woman is unfortunately unavoidable, although I try my best. But before Marc Anthony’s wife takes the stage, we begin the inevitable process of kicking one couple to the curb.
The show starts with the recap, where we have the hundredth viewing of Marie Osmond plummeting like Congress’s approval ratings. And for the first time, we see some of what when on during the commercial break: around 37 emergency workers surrounded her along with members of her family, show staffers, the hosts, and her partner, Jonathon. Her breathing problems will now be followed by a bout of claustrophobia. Good grief, people! Stand back. Kudos to her, though, for grace under pressure. After she came to, she stood up and curtsied to the audience.
The dance-o-the-night which the judges want to see again, to no one’s surprise, was Marie and Jonathon’s samba! Just seeing if you’re paying attention…it was really Mel and Maks’s performance. By the way, for the uninitiated, that was indeed a Spice Girls tune M&M used. And I’m actually a little ashamed I recognized it.
Wait! Is that a penney?
Then it was time for Jennifer Lopez, wearing a flowing mini-dress designed to hide her burgeoning belly. I wonder why she was so coy about announcing her impending bundles of joy…isn’t it better we know she’s preggers than think she’s fat? And have you ever contemplated what horror would be wrought upon us if the sound engineers suddenly lost power and J-Lo had to truly sing instead having her voice processed more than sprayable cheese? Sprayable Cheese. Would make a nice name for a punk rock band. Anyway, Jennifer chose to sing something I can only surmise is supposed to be “Do it, do it,” but sounds closer to “Doot doot”…and is, in a twist of irony, the song that rival network NBC has been using for its fall season promos.
Next was a segment featuring four couples performing a piece choreographed by DWTS‘s own Mark Ballas to Fall Out Boy’s Dance Dance. I found myself comparing it to the routine done to the same song in season two of So You Think You Can Dance, and Mark’s effort definitely came up short. Now I need to watch the Wade Robson performance from last week again and make myself feel better.
Jennybuns came out again to perform her hit Let’s Get Loud, or as I call it, Let’s Change The Channel, and suddenly my mind was wandering…all I could think of was South Park, Eric Cartman, and Eric’s hand as Miss Lopez. I tried to concentrate, but in my head I kept hearing, “Don’t think just because I got a lot of money, I’ll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey. Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.”
Taco taco. Burrito. Taco.
Yeah…you’re singin’ along.
After a poorly scripted cue card left Helio and Julianne confused as to whether or not they were safe (they were,) it was down to two couples: Jane Seymore and Tony…and Mark Cuban and Kym. And finally…the moment I’ve been waiting for: the public has come to their senses and sent Mark home. With the announcement, his face tensed, but he maintained a phony smile and proceeded to make a pat speech about how wonderful everyone is, how many friends he’s made, and how he wouldn’t have traded this experience for the world…all the while shaking his head, “No.” A body language expert would have a field day.
Don’t let the smile fool you. He’s thinking, “I’m gonna buy this network and fire all of you.”
So, seven couples remain…who do you believe will take home the Ugly Mirror Ball Trophy?