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It’s Dancing with the Stars ” week 3!!! And I’m just as shocked as Mark is!! I can’t believe it ” Monica and Penn are just a memory and we’re already down to 10 couples.
The contestants are introduced and just by the outfits I can already tell it’ll be a night to remember! Jason is sporting an outfit with an untied bowtie ” did someone just have a quickie backstage?! Mmm hmmm…
Cristian’s showing as much muscle as possible ” looks like someone’s getting desperate after the elimination scare! And Shannon:
Shannon is wearing a dopey headband. I think it’s to cover up the lobotomy scar. It doesn’t matter anyway ” if her brain leaked I’m sure it would still look like sequins.
Tom and Samantha tell us that the dancers had only 5 days to learn. Oy. It’s officially become the car wreck I can’t turn away from.
Our girl Marlee is up first! She did a kick ass job last week – let’s hope she can follow it up. During rehearsal Marlee says Fabian’s personality is “so infectious”. I thought she was trying to be nice but after watching him scream “can you hear this?!?!” into her ear maybe she meant infectious as in “disease-like”.
At one point, and I have no idea why, Marlee tells him, “You have to please me!” To which Fabian replies, “Always, baby, always.” I hope by “please me” she means “make me look like the man in this relationship.” She already sounds like one so there’s not much more to go.
Fabian is also picking up some sign language:
Marlee has a sweet moment when she says she’s “scared”. Awww. She’s a real person. I love her. Now let’s watch her fuck this up.
Marlee and Fabian start their Jive! Fabian whistles at her like this:
They seem to be doing a great job. Marlee falls out of step a couple of times but let’s be honest – most of us mortal non-celebrity hearing types would be all over the place. I would at least. The Jive is a very spastic dance. One minute they’re graceful and the next minute their legs are kicking and jumping all over the place. I must admit though I love that move where they kick out to the sides like Irish step-dancing meets country shit-kickin’.
I’m really falling for Marlee. I’m beginning to see that “stah” quality that Bruno talks about. She totally attacks the dance with a “I might look retarded but dammit I’m gonna have fun and DO THIS!” attitude. Even more so than the Yamaguchinator. What?! I know – blasphemy. And Marlee even ends with a little crotch shot for the judges.
OMG and I think that’s Marlee’s mom in the audience! She was giving the “I love you” sign and then she was crying! Ugh! Heart wrenching! I love you Marlee!! What am I saying?! My emotions are spinning out of control! I love being manipulated by great editing!
Luckily it’s time for the judges to bring us all crashing back down to reality and bitterness. Awww… But not before we get a shot of the band!
And btw, I will be featuring her photo in every recap because she rocks and makes me laugh my ass off every time with her outfits and such. Giiiirrrlll – I love you! FIERCE!
Back to the miserable judges! Len loves it and applauds her for being deaf. Bruno however nails her for losing the timing twice. Keepin’ it real B-dog. Meanwhile Carrie picks on her for having “pancake” hands. Is that Carrie-speak for “jazz hands”?! SOMEONE is carb-dreaming.
Back in the green room, I am SO excited for Useless Samantha to stick that stupid microphone in Marlee’s face – per usual. BUT instead she dramatically pulls the microphone away:
Marlee goes on to say “I’m in it to win it!” By which I mean her interpreter fucks up and mumbles something like that. What?! SO FIRED!!!
The judges give Marlee and Fabian all 7′s. I think that’s fair. Although I would’ve given her an 8 for not beating Carrie to death with the microphone.
Next up – the Gut! Last week – he was Guy Smiley so this week he’s focusing on being more serious. Good luck! Since Anna is sick this week she decides instead on making him wear a doctor’s mask. What the fuck is she sick with?! Gut says she has a terrible virus so he steers clear. Come on Gut! If you didn’t contract anything from your glory days in the 80′s, you’re indestructible!
And now – what have we here!? Jonathon shows up to help Steve learn his dance! Of course they have to mention Jonathon is Anna’s husband – just so we know there’s no funny business going on. Heaven forbid we think someone on this show is GAY!
However – the truly sad part here is that it shows once you and your celebrity (Monica) are cut from the show – you’re forced to dance with Steve Guttenberg. The horror!
On to Steve and Anna dancing the Tango! I’m surprised Anna isn’t dancing with an IV stand. And Steve – well… I have this to say for him… he doesn’t smile:
After the dance Steve decides the last 4 minutes were far too long to go without looking like a douche-bag so he sports this for the judges comments:
Carrie says it was his best dance so far. Eh. I think it was more a fact of Anna throwing herself around him and him just being at the right place and time to catch her. Len seems to like it too. Bruno loves that he was mad for once. Well – pretending to be at least. You know he was all sunshine and candy on the inside.
Back in the green room, Steve comments that he loved dancing with Jonathon because he was hairy. Uhhh – what?! If I know anything about Russian women it’s that they’re hairy. Anna is clearly pissed and is .2 seconds away from showing us her thunder bush to prove it.
The judges give 7′s across the board. Steve is so humble – he just says we should be excited to see how great his fellow dancers are. And then the number pops up to vote for him. I see how you work Gut! Sly fox!!!
Next up, Cristian de la sleeveless shirts and Cheryl! Oooh! And I love their rehearsal footage! They’re actually arguing! Week 3 and the gloves are OFF! Cheryl is trying to convince him to just have fun – SO SHE BRINGS HIM TO SEAWORLD TO MEET A SEA LION. WTF?!! Ladies and gentlemen – which fueled this segment more – money from Sea World (aka Anheuser-Busch) or the producers need to fulfill our desire to watch Cristian get eaten by a live animal?
Either way I suddenly have a need to go to Sea World and pay $15 for a tub of popcorn with Shamu’s photo on it. Weird.
On the dance floor, Cristian and Cheryl start their Jive. Cristian actually does quite a good job. He’s on speed the whole time and his feet are kickin’ like the INS is hot on his tail (ok – last INS joke I swear). He gets so carried away that for the finale he kicks a stage light and turns it into a blinded audience:
Off to the judges. Bruno thinks Cristian is on rocket fuel tonight – his best dance yet. Len nails for loose legs and a saggy arm – however, he says it was his best dance so far. Carrie brings up the arm too and Bruno yells at her for being too picky and then says something like “Go fer picky (indecipherable) and give it a bite!” WHAT??! He’s pissed! Someone’s got a crush on our lil’ Ricky Martin!!!
Carrie and Len give Cristian 8′s while Bruno give him a 9!!! WOW. Cristian starts screaming “LOVE YOU BRUNO!!!” I guess Bruno got what he wanted:
Cristian then goes on to shout “Keep voting and calling for me!” in Spanish to the camera! Panderer! I haven’t seen something like that since – well – since Hillary’s tour through the southwest I guess. Cristian for VP!
Back to Tom – he asks Bruno if he’s happy. Bruno is flabbergasted and responds, “I think I’ve been outed!” WHAT?!?!!?? First of all, I can’t believe he just said that. Second of all, GIIIIRLLL – you outed yourself when you opened your mouth on day one and the cast of “Make Me a Super Model” fell out.
Up next, Mario! He let’s us know he has 5 days to practice AND an album to promote. Ooohh – and where are they off to!? NYC??! Tokyo?!? Paris?! Nope. A high-school in Providence, RI. Wow – talk about your everyday Rainbow Tour (see Evita).
Karina isn’t so happy about their lack of practice. She says, “Are we gonna get it? I don’t think we will.” OK DEBBIE DOWNER!!! SHIT!!
And off to the dance floor we go to watch Mario and Karina perform an apparent trainwreck of a Tango. They use the “Moulin Rouge” version of “Roxanne” for music – so I give them points for that. I wonder if they pick their own music? It’s classy so probably not.
Mario looks like his jaw is clenched the whole time. He’s stressed. He has literally tens upon tens of Providence High School kids to impress. Ugh. The whole dance was pretty sloppy.
And the judges… Len is PISSED and DISAPPOINTED. He says it was a mess!!! OUCH!! Carrie agrees but says it was because they have such high standards for him. Bruno says he was a great performer and doesn’t think it was a pile of “Oops – I can’t say that”. Was it SHIT?! I CAN SAY IT!! The judges are still arguing as we go to commercial. Maybe Len is pissed because he knows Bruno’s gay now!!
Back from break – the judges give their scores: Carrie – 7, Len – 6 and Bruno – 8!! WHAT!? Anarchy!!! I’ve never seen such disagreement! FINALLY!!!
Mario promises his fans that he’ll focus more in the next week. None of this spending time on his career and making money!!! Dance for us clown!!!
Tom suggests fiber to Len to loosen him up. I die a little inside at the thought of Len on a crapper.
Up next, Shannon Elizabeth! In rehearsal she’s crying about not being able to think about her arms and legs at the same time. Yeah – it’s really hard – just like saying your lines and showing expression – but we know you suck at that too. Use our low standards for you to your advantage young one!
Derek takes her to practice kick-boxing so she can get her kicks right. Well – at least it wasn’t Sea World. Instead she decided to clock him in the ring – which was equally fantastic:
On the dance floor, Shannon and Derek start to Jive! Aside from her dress looking like gold shag carpeting, she’s looking pretty good. Those legs are going WAY up! She even does that crazy sliding thing under Derek and back up.
Afterwards she’s totally out of breath and Tom decides that everyone should sit on the floor while the judges talk. Huh?! Seriously Shannon – last week it was cardio and now this?! Honey – you’re not 300lbs – get it together!!
Bruno loved it but needed it to be a little more precise. Len also loved it. Tom makes a comment that “there’s so much heavy breathing down here I feel like I’m next to a 900 number.” Wow. TMI Tom… T-M-I. Carrie says she loves that Shannon surprises them each time.
The judges give 8′s all across the board. Derek says it was worth being beaten around a little bit. Kinky. Next thing we know we’ll find him dead from auto-erotic-asphyxiation. Or something.
Up next, Adam Carolla! He says he feels “ashamed and embarrassed” that he can’t learn the steps. Adam! Come on buddy! Haven’t you watched yourself before!? Don’t start feeling that way now!
Adam says he googled “Tango” and it came back that it was about “prostitutes and pimps”. Then he asked Julianne which one she thought she was. Oh Adam. While you’re at it you might wanted google “charm”.
Time for a Tango on the dance floor! Adam starts by popping up from behind the judges and scaring the glitter-crap right out of Bruno. And Julianne has a wig on! Apparently she’s also embarrassed to be seen with him.
Adam does a pretty remarkable job – but my favorite part comes at the end where he throws her onto the ground to do a “ta-da”! I know it was probably done on purpose but I think it pretty much sums Adam up in once dance move:
Before the judges have a moment to critique them, Adam goes on a riff about how the gay costumers and gay hair people butchered Julianne tonight. YIKES. Great idea Adam – piss off the only people on that show that can make you look like a bigger ass than you already do! Beware! Hell hath no fury like a gay man’s scorn! I wait for Bruno to get up and smack him for his peeps but he just sits there knitting a sweater or something.
Carrie says Adam was “SEXY”! Ugh – she’s totally one of those pretty girls that likes the ugly guy cause she hates herself every morning. Bruno says he’s impressed and Len congratulates Julianne’s choreography for covering up Adam’s crappy skillz.
The judges give 7′s across the board. Carrie then asks Adam what it’s like to be all about the passion. Adam makes a joke about his grandpa and mormons. Minutes later ABC’s email server crashes with emails from the whole state of Utah. Make fun of the Amish next time Adam. The most you’ll get is a letter that was mailed 3 months prior. He then goes on to make fun of Jews. It’s cool. It’s not like Jews have anything to do with the entertainment industry. He’s FUCKED.
Next up, MJW!!! We see her and Tony practicing while Tony tells one crappy joke after another. He then refers to himself as a “bad boy”. Unless he’s crushing up Alli and putting it in MJW’s mashed potatoes every night – I doubt he’s capable of being a bad boy.
On the dance floor MJW and Tony start to Jive. Tony’s wearing a GLITTERY ARGYLE SWEATER VEST:
Aside from a few quick steps and constant smiling – there’s not much to write home about. She barely broke into a sweat – and that’s saying ALOT for MJW!
Len calls it too careful and Carrie says it was BORING!!! I love MJW’s reaction:
Carrie tells her to put the fight into her dance – if she could win a Tony she can do this. Tony tries to stick up for her by saying “She won a Tony for singing!” Nice backhand compliment dick!! Then Carrie goes nutso on Tony for putting MJW down! RUMBLE!!!! Carrie hates his ass – I guarantee you – Tony will SOOOOO not be back next season!
Tom then does a shameless ABC plug for Eli Stone. ICK. I hate cross-promotion. They should have just had the cast from Eli Stone at Sea World and killed two birds with one… rock. HA! Thought I was going for it!
Carrie’s in the green room – waiting for MJW and says “Understandably Marissa doesn’t want to come back here…” Why?! Is she afraid everyone’s gonna Eli Stone her?! SORRY! Had to get it out.
MJW is at a loss for words – she doesn’t know what to do. Tony says he’s proud of her – too little too late Tony! Carrie and Bruno give her 6′s and Len gives her a 7. Aww come on! That was NOT a 7! MJW does some crying and pleading for votes. Keep crying Chubbers! The audience loves an underdog!
Next up, Priscilla! Louis is trying to teach her Tango steps. They have the most boring rehearsal ever. Too much practicing and not enough dicking around and going to theme parks. I can’t see how THAT will help them.
And then their Tango begins!!! It’s amazing! Hot, passionate, sexy – she almost had an expression on her face like 2 times!! And she was all over our little dutch boy! Look!
Off to the judges, Bruno and Len both LOOVED IT. Fire and passion! Grrr! The cougar is BACK! Carrie loves it too but tells Pri to hold her neck a little straighter. Carrie – do you have any idea how much 20lbs of plastic weighs?! Give her a break!
Len and Bruno give her a 9 while Carrie (what a snatch) gives her an 8. Pri is excited and Louis just plays with a rose through the whole interview. ADHD much!?
Next up, everyone’s favorite “Are they or aren’t they?!” couple, Jason and Edyta! Jason gets really stressed during rehearsals since he’s having trouble learning the new routine. He then says he feels like a fat, uncoordinated slob:
Then Edyta and Jason treat us to another dose of infidelity:
Back to the dance floor and Jason and Edyta’s jive! Jason starts singing along to the song. Alright Milli-Vanilli, let’s hope you dance better than you lip sync. He does a pretty good job but he seems like he’s concentrating a little too hard on the steps.
It could be that his concentration is thrown off by moves like this:
Carrie compliments him on his lines but says he needs more confidence. Bruno loves the lines too! And Len! Let’s everyone do lines! Wait – Len didn’t like it as much and calls him a feather duster. Put the coke away. Party pooper.
Back in the green room – Edyta speaks for what MUST be the first time because O…M…G – how did I miss it before?!? She talks like she’s… umm… well….DEAF. However I think Marlee has better diction. It sounds like she has something in her mouth. Which is ironic since that’s probably what occurred all week during rehearsal. OH SNAP!
Carrie and Bruno give them 8′s while Len is a pissy Brit and gives them a 7.
Before commercial break Tom calls Jeff Probst onstage to send us to commercial. WTF?!? Is this a night of a million plugs or what?! Best part was the audience had a delayed applause – you know there was PA’s running around clapping frantically.
And finally, it’s time for the YAMAGUCHINATOR!!!! Sweep it girl! During rehearsal Mark is wearing Tony’s sweater vest. Aww – besties for life! Mark is concerned about Kristi’s ability to show emotion so he takes her to a performance coach, who then asks Kristi to warm up by doing the “NOODLE DANCE”. OW OW OW!!! SO MANY COMMENTS JUST FLOODED MY HEAD THAT IT HURTS. You know – sometimes things are just so perfect you leave them be.
The coach goes on to say that sometimes emotion is UGLY! And she makes this face when she says it:
Here’s Krisi trying out her newly acquired emotions!
Kristi and Mark begin their Tango! Kristi is doing a great job – pretty fierce – very tango-rific. Mark is doing this weird thing where he keeps opening his mouth like a guppy for air:
They pull it of with what looks like nary a mistake! Len loves it and compliments them for diving right into the Tango. Carrie says Kristi needs to feel more and has to TOUCH people. Take a note from Edyta sweetheart. Bruno wants Kristi to be a “duhrty gurl!” Me too! Let’s just TARNISH that gold medal!
The judges give them 9′s across the board – AGAIN! I love these two but now I’m kind of hoping they fuck up royally just ONCE. Perfect people make my skin crawl.
And that’s IT!!!! We are done with the 3rd round! WHEW! Seriously! I feel like I started this thing 6 hours ago. Oh wait – I did!
Tom bids us adieu as he notes that Kristi is still on top while Chubbers is on the very bottom. Say it ain’t so Chubbers!!!!
So what do you all think?!? Can Chubbers make a comeback?! Will Pri be the new hot ticket on the block?! Will the Gut be able to turn that frown back upside down?!!?DISH IT!!!