Dancing with the Stars: A Believer Does Not a Dancer Make

Tom begins by recapping what a nasty night the show before was. Insults galore! We start with the clip of Bruno asking Kristi to be a “durty gurl!” Kristi replies that she’ll take it a step further and be “naughty”. Uh oh! Somebody leave the lights on! I got $5 that says she dances on a stripper pole next week and shoots ping pong balls out of her hoo-hoo.

We then have to go through MJW’s horrific critiques again! They were so mean to our little Chubbers! And all Tony could do through the whole post-interview was hang his head. MJW kept smiling on but Tony looked like:

“FUCK THIS. I GIVE UP.”

Mario had a rough night last night – went from the top to the bottom. And the Gut didn’t get reamed out like he thought he would (or hoped for). Adam commented that although Carrie said he was sexy, she’d never date him and nor would the rest of America. Oh Adam stop it – there’s always Jimmy. He’d give you a handy for a tic-tac.

Shannon was exhausted after her dance last night. (She’s no Jane Fonda.) Cristian and Priscilla were clearly the break out stars of the night.

Len gets to choose his favorite dance of the night before – and what does he choose?!? The Gut dancing the Tango… WITH JONATHON?!? WHAT?! I didn’t think this show could get any gayer after Bruno “outed” himself – but there you have it. Tom introduces the dance as the “Mango”. At that same moment Chris Kattan is filing for copyright infringement.

I give Jonathon major props. He totally embraces the “female” role – previously held by his wife, Anna – and has a good time playing it up. Lord knows there’d be a lot of “I SWEAR I’M STRAIGHT” actors out there that would have ben inclined to throw the Gut around like a dirty rag doll to prove their manhood.

The dance is mildy funny thanks to Jonathon’s commitment, however Steve’s atrocious dancing has somehow gotten worse since last night. Maybe he’s got man-jitters. Remember he said Jonathon excites him because he’s hairy! BUH!

They try to have a big finish and Steve ends up taking Jonathon out into a little romp-fest on the floor:

“Hey. Why don’t I take you back to my place? I can dress up in the ol’ “Police Academy” outfit and put you over the hood of my Kia.”

Tom and Useless Samantha go over everyone’s standings. Adam has moved on up. Meanwhile Shannon, Cristian, and Priscilla round out the top – and the YAMAGUNCHINATOR still reigns supreme!

Ok – so thanks to one of you lovely readers I now know the whole scoring situation – and Tom explains it tonight as well. The judges scores count for half the votes – and the voters at home count for the other half. Which I think is great. Much better than American Idol where the judge’s votes mean dick. That’s how “talent” like Sanjaya gets through. UGH. Anyways, I digress.

Time for the first two couples who are safe!! It’s… Kristi and Mark (NO shock there) and Adam and Julianne (SHOCK THERE!). I’m not too surprised – Adam did a good job but I thought the Mormon vote would kill him (see last recap). Kristi is very excited while Adam has that lazy look of “Ahhh fuck, another dance to learn?!!”

Now it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for – KYLIE MINOGUE! And WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER FACE?!?

Ladies and gentlemen, the love child of Belinda Carlisle, Kathy Bates and possibly some asian dude.

Ok – so her body is still smokin’ but this is kind of a train wreck. She seems like she’s forgetting words – I’m pretty sure she mumbled through a couple lyrics and I think she just dyed Julianne’s wig blonde from the night before. At least you can tell she’s not lip syncing. Although this may have been a time that it called for it. She’s singing in slow motion compared to the beat of the song. The song itself is pretty snooze-worthy too. HOWEVER, her back-up dancers were fantastic. So… yeah for that!

Well – now that that’s done – we can move on and just remember the Kylie of olden days. Tom introduces a segment of fan interviews after last night’s show. And they actually get some chick to say, “Priscilla Presley is bee-yoo-tiful!” WHAT?!? Is this girl dumb, blind or getting a free tour of Graceland?! Priscilla’s DANCE was beautiful last night – but the last time she had NATURAL beauty was about 10 years and 30 facelifts ago.

Alot of fans were pissed at the judges for being too “harsh”. SHUT UP. It’s what makes the show interesting! If it wasn’t for moments like those there’d be no show and we’d be stuck watching more fucking episodes of “Deal or No Deal”.

And it’s time for two more safe couples!! Tom and Samantha poise themselves and announce… Priscilla and Louis!! Oh girl! She’s all excited but this was the look she was giving RIGHT before they announced it:

“I will FUCK you up Useless Samantha! Say my name bitch! SAY IT!!”

We then wait through several more more dramatic pauses until Samantha says, “And joining them…YESSSS – Marissa and Tony!” WTF?!?? Don’t get me wrong – like any other carb lovin’ American, I love Chubbers, BUT isn’t Samantha supposed to show a little objectivity here?! Bitch was all excited like she just got a word right at an 8th grade spelling bee! YESSSSS! Fuck you Useless Samantha – learn some tact. This is REALITY! In any case, Chubbers is ecstatic and beside herself.

Before going to commercial Tom reminds us that the show is LIVE. This pisses me off. Because except for all of you lucky bastards on the east coast who get to actually watch everything LIVE, the rest of us watch a TAPED LIVE performance. So suck it Tom.

Back from commercial, Useless Samantha is interviewing the newly safe contestants. All the ladies are playing nice and saying “Anything can happen!” Priscilla says how happy she is MJW made it when Carolla grabs the mike and berates them all for being fake. He then calls him and Marisa the clear losers. Congrats Adam. Not even the fat girl will fuck you now. Oh but wait – then he makes a joke that she has no friends. Now you can scratch every gay that’s ever seen “Hairspray” off your fan club list, DICKHEAD. No one picks on Tracy Turnblad!!!!!

We then get to see a segment about the stars and how they spend their time away from the show. Edyta tells us how Jason, although he has “big hands”, loves to make tiny ships. Notice she emphasizes, “BIG HANDS”. Go back and watch his segment and substitute the word “ships” for “women” – it’s hysterical.

“Aww – it’s the S.S. Edyta. I’ll ride her one day.”

Our next star is Marlee Matlin – who is clearly a famous actress – who then goes on to tell us what SHE does. Oh. She’s a narcotics police officer. WHAT?!? Oh for cripes sake – it’s a whole fucking April Fool’s segment!!! What a fucking waste of time!!! Seriously DWTS producers!? WTF!?!?

Ugh. I’ll go through each of these now but I’m PISSED.

Shannon – she is the head of the MacGuyer Fan Club. Really? Maybe he can make you a respectable acting career out of a paperclip and a hair scrunchie.

Kristi – she’s a hot dog eating champion. Really? Your partner should come in handy since he’s an expert at downing sausage.

Priscilla – she has her own psychic hotline. Really? Then I guess you know this is what’s going to happen to your face in the next four years:

“1..2..3..4…There’s your face, it’s on the floor!”

Marissa – she likes to surf. Really? Don’t you think it’s a little dangerous since the Japanese still have legalized whaling?!

Steve – he likes to freestyle rap. Really? Great! Find me a word that rhymes with “Douchbag” and I’ll give you the name of your first album.

Cristian – has a pet otter. Really? You mean that slimy, wet-backed animal that chatters incessantly? That must be rough – what EVER do you have in common?!?

And that’s it – thank GOD they didn’t go through the rest of them. That’s already 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Next up, Tom and U.S. introduce the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre (ps – I had to look this name up since Useless Samantha mumbled right through it. GOD!)

The dance troupe is… different. Honestly I’m not a fan of this type of dance. It’s that crap that Mia Michaels does on “So You Think You Can Dance”. So – it’s “good” but I don’t know – it’s not what I was hoping for. First Kylie, now this. I love the gospel music though. I just don’t get the dancing around with fans. And sometimes they’re not in sync which infuriates me. They’re passionate though. Gotta give them that. Just passionate about being boring.

Back from commercial and OH FUCK – COME ON! More Kylie! Don’t do it sweetie! Run while you still have a career! Oh – but wait! She’s singing “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” – exciting AND appropriate! She begins and – what’s this?! I guess I was wrong before – because NOW she looks like…

The love child of Captain and Tennille!

And I CANNOT get THAT image out of my head! Luckily I have the MANY pitchy and off notes that she hits to help me get everything including my will to live, out of my head. UGH.

BUT THEN SOMETHING AMAAAAZING HAPPENS! Mark and Julianne come out to dance during it and they are FUCKING SUPER! Seriously – best dance I’ve seen yet this season. They mixed like 6 different styles of dance and they are nailing all the moves. HOWEVER – the god awful producers keep cutting away from them to put Kylie’s round face and “DSL” on the screen. GET IT OFF! It’s bad enough I have to listen to her butcher her own material!!! UGH! Anyways – their dance kicked Aussie bum:

This sums up the performance – hot dancers with a big hat-wearing jar of Vegemite in the background.

Back to the green room, Useless Samantha is interviewing Cristian and the Gut. Cristian refers to himself as an animal that Cheryl must teach. Oh stop it Christian. We all know you can’t be taught. Now shut up and take your shirt off.

And the Gut says that “Anything is possible if you believe.” Not if you don’t have a) a steady income or b) popular votes!! Your future isn’t lookin’ too bright friend! He then goes on to compliment the costume designers. Ugh. Give it up. It’s like an Oscar acceptance speech stretched out over 3 weeks with this guy.

Tom and Useless Samantha tell us that ABC is now hosting a dance contest online and we should submit videos. Yeah. Sure. Just what I need – some jackass like me commenting on how gay/fat/tragic I look when I dance. Why don’t we just have people prank Samantha by asking her if she’s pregnant and taping it and send that footage in. Seriously – EVERYONE would watch it. I’d bet she’d snap like a ginger after the 3rd person asked.

Next up – we have a professional matchmaker to piss away more time before they announce who’s getting cut. She puts all of the couples through testing and then analyzes the “data”. Oh these people and their bullshit tests. She goes over what could cause problems – and of course every couple falls into every category. These couples are the most tragic coupling since white sneakers and KoolAid where combined.

But wait! One of the couples is the perfect match – and it’s…

Kristi and Mark! BIG SHOCKER!! No shit lady. Thanks for your help. Here’s your $5 – now piss off.

Now it’s time to find out the next couple to be saved… Jason and Edyta! Ahhh! The affair continues! And now… Marlee and Fabian are also saved! Good stuff! I concur!

Four couples are left. Tom and Useless Samantha review each couple before announcing 2 more couples that are safe. Christian and Cheryl are safe! Yeah!!! I could make fun of Crisitian all season long! And then of course… Shannon and Derek are also safe! Hoorah!

So now it’s between Steve and Mario. Len gives them a both “Cheerio” and such. He’s being kind. Scrrrrrew that! And finally… the couple to be kicked off is… STEVE AND ANNA!!!!!! WOW! POOR GUT!!! So kind, so positive – so totally out of a fucking job again!!! Let’s hope Lifetime keeps replaying “Three Men and a Baby” Gut-ster! Otherwise – enjoy your garbage sandwiches.

Chaos erupts! Steve just wants to hug his fellow cast mates but Useless Samantha is totally shitting a brick that he needs to come down and cry in front of the camera for good ratings. And she has so many stupid questions to ask!! Poor U.S.!

As the music plays and emotions are running high, the Gut says he just has one last thing to say… — AND CUT. Tom sends him packing to the dance floor because THAT’S how we end the show – no matter HOW important you think “thanking Katrina victims” is!!!!! Ahhh – you gotta love TV.

So that’s it! Are any of you outraged?! Thrilled?! Just happy that Priscilla’s still on so we can watch her face melt come spring!?! DISH IT!!!