Dancing with the Stars: Gonna Make You Sweat!

This week on Dancing with the Stars it’s the waltz and paso doble! And what better way to start if off than with a sweaty, gross shot of Cristian! He says, “Watch out Kristi!” Indeed!

How can we ever move on without the Gut?! I must admit I missed his signature “Hi Mom and Dad!” to the camera at the beginning. However the good news is that he’s now back living above their garage and can say “Hi” every morning over breakfast.

Everyone’s looking snappy tonight for the fancy dancin’! And stop the presses – Useless Samantha’s dress is actually quite stunning! Glad she’s been taking notes. Perhaps she can become aesthetically relevant now. (Hold for laughter) Naaahhhh….

Up first is the Yamaguchinator!!! Which is nice – usually they save her for a big finale but this time they’re putting her up front so she can completely break the other contestant’s spirits for the rest of the show. Love it!

Kristi’s goal this time around is to be emotional, passionate, and aggressive. Mark tries to get all crazy and intense with her during the rehearsals. To which Kristi replies, “It’s intense! I like it though – I’ve never done anything this… (AND THEN SHE GRUNTS!)” WOW! Yamaguchinator is ready to kick some ass!! She’s gonna throw Mark around like a wet towel.

Their Pasa Doble begins! It’s pretty snazzy and sexual. However the song is WEIRD. It’s “Blue Monday” by New Order. And the guy singing it is basically doing a talk-through version. Picture a younger Tony Bennet singing it. But aside from that – Kristi is really kicking ass. For the final move she totally pulls a figure skater spin in the air and comes an inch from slamming her pretty little head into the floor! Fantastic!

Now before we get into the judges reactions, we get treated to a shot of my favorite singer…

The MOTHER FUCKING QUEEN!!! Love her! Tonight’s she’s going all solid gold! One day I hope to meet this lady and give her a “Guuuuurrrrl! Triple snaps!”

Len loved the dance and gives props to Mark for the choreography. However he’s upset that Kristi’s emotion is starting to look the same each week. And what would that be Len – the emotion of KICK ASS?! Ick. Eat a crumpet Grandpa! And BTW…

Bert and Ernie called – they want their only suit back.

On the other hand – Bruno loved the dance! He excitedly calls Kristi a “harlot” and a “Jezzebell”! Awesome. Thanks to Bruno she’s going home to a family screaming “DISHONAH! DISHONAH!” at her. Carrie agrees (btw she’s totally sporting a J-Lo haircut tonight – luckily she doesn’t have to pad her ass to get J-Lo booty) and thought Kristi finally took some risks.

The scores come in and it’s a 9 from Len and a 10 FROM CARRIE AND BRUNO!!!! WHAT?!??! CRAZY! First 10′s of the season folks! The best part is the look on the other contestant’s faces of “Oh FUCK YOU Kristi Yamaguchi!”

Up next, Priscilla and Louis! Louis is desperately trying to teach her the Viennese Waltz. Pri-Pri is totally getting frustrated and actually showing some personality this time around! Watch closely – her face shows EXPRESSION!! WHAT?! I know. She must have had face-emoting surgery since last week! So Louis takes her roller-blading to teach her movement. I would have thought a trip to Sea World would have done it – but whatever. Anyways they have a blast roller-blading…

but why you need to dress up as Ozzie Osborne and George Michael to rollerblade is beyond me.

Priscilla and Louis begin their waltz! It’s beautiful and romantic! And although Louis dances like the last thing he’d be attracted to is a woman and Pri-Pri is dressed up like an 80 year-old princess bride – I still love them! It’s actually quite sweet. Right up until the final move where Louis throws Pri-Pri across the floor!

“Toe pick!” (100 cool points if you can name that movie!)

Bruno starts off by saying she had great interpretation of romance. Hey – any girl that has partied with King and done lines off his peanut-butter-belly knows about romance! Carrie then comments that Pri-Pri could teach classes about using her face to create drama! Drama?! How about comedy??! And I would have said she could use her face to teach a class on sculpturing – but luckily I’m not at the judges table.

Len loved the natural flow but said it looked “a bit rushed”. And he said he took a point off because they did a forbidden “lift”!! OOOH!! When was that?! Forbidden!? I did NOT see anything that interesting! What makes it forbidden?! Did she grab onto his junk while she flew through the air?! I need playback!

Back in the green room, Samantha (she looks great tonight – maybe I’ll drop the “Useless”!) tries to start a catfight by asking Priscilla if she’s given up trying to beat Kristi. Pri-Pri fires back a “There’ll be other nights!” Oh snap! Kristi better start wearing knee-pads – I see where this is going – “Why me?! WHY ME!?”

The scores are shakey – Carrie and Len give 7′s while Bruno tries to bring it up with an 8. No more mention of the illustrious “lifts”. Can someone explain this crap to me?!?

In the meantime, as Adam and Julianne are introduced they do a little magic trick:

Look! Adam made Julianne AND her pride disappear!

Carrie called Adam sexy last week. Let’s see if this week she calls him a “great lay” so we can get that awkward fuck over with. During rehearsal Julianne is trying to teach Adam “passion” and this time – more difficult moves! Oh pleeeease let it be the death spiral! And speaking of awkward – Julianne keeps flirting with Adam. There’s just something about this hairy, awkward beast that girls go crazy for. ICK. It’s like the smell of Drakkar Noir and desperation drives them wild.

Adam and Julianne begin their Pasa Doble aaaannd WTF?!? Is this a fucking circus or a dance competition??!

See any similarities?!

It’s like Penn is back onstage pulling his usual shannigans! That’s right – I said it – SHANNANIGANS! Too much spectacle and not enough dancing! Although – this sort of thing might be to Adam’s benefit – the “dancing” is atrocious. He’s pretty much just walking quickly around the stage while Julianne does all sorts of twirls and shit around him. For the finale she rips off his mask to reveal it’s Adam – not a fat Antonio Banderas as expected. HOWEVER – is he wearing a shit ton of make-up or did SOMEONE go tanning?!?

“My name is Adam Carolla – you killed my career – prepare to die!”

Judge time – Carrie sarcastically calls it “creative” and leaves it at that. Uh oh – I smell a “5″ coming on! Or maybe the seasons first 4! Len calls him “loveable” but a shitty dancer. True dat. Adam thanks the wardrobe department for dressing him up like a silent porn star. Oh lord. I hope those gays dress him in a bloody clown suit next week.

Time for the scores – 6′s from Carrie and Bruno and a 7 from Len! WHAT?!! Come on Len! There was no way that was a 7! You have a thing for Zorro or just men in capes?! Adam responds by saying that he originally wanted to ride an “old person’s scooter” around on the dance floor but he rode the unicycle in honor of all the Spaniards who tried to do it on the way to America and drowned. I give Adam a “10″ for successfully alienating every voter group possible in the last few weeks. What a dick.

Next up – Marlee! Yeah! She says that she finally wants to beat Kristi for once! And then she winks at the camera! Oh shit! There’s gonna be a beat down! I got money on Marlee. I beat it’s easier to beat someone when you can’t hear them crying “WHY?! PLEASE STOP!! AHH!!”

Fabian starts rehearsal by telling Marlee they have to pretend to love each other. Marlee is SHOCKED that he said “pretend”.

Imagine how shocked she’ll be when she realizes she’s not the only person that interpreter is doing “hand work” for.

Although Marlee calls rehearsal “torture” and she’s having dizzy spells – she’s all “Read my lips – I want to win!” She’s out for blood! She’s going from “Children of a Lesser God” to “Children of the Corn”!

Marlee and Fabian start their waltz and it’s simple but quite beautiful. My big problem is Fabian is less convincingly in “love” than Marlee is. Although Marlee IS the one that’s an actress. They’re pretty graceful around the floor and then they end with… (ICK ICK ICK) an AWKWARD almost-kiss on the mouth! I haven’t seen a kiss that awkward and forced since Tom Cruise slipped Katie the tongue on Oprah.

Len loved the dance – especially how they did the “freckle” – whatever THAT dance move is. I REALLY wish this show had playback. He critiques her on her posture though. She’s not British, LEN – not everyone dances around like Mary fucking Poppins. Bruno loved it but nails it her for the posture. And THEN there’s Carrie… who’s CRYING! WHAT?!? She has EMOTIONAL CAPABILITY?!?! Carrie’s all choked up and tells Marlee how much the dance truly “touched her”. You sure that’s not Len under the table? He’s looking a little viagra-frisky tonight.

Then the scores – Carrie gives an 8 (boo! Looks like those were crocodile tears!) as does Len and Bruno. Useless Samantha (she fucked up reading her cue card – so the “Useless” is back again) asks Marlee what needs to happen for her to finally beat Kristi. One of the other contestants (or maybe Derek) yells out “A shotgun!” and Marlee signs “An Asteroid hit!” HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! Run Yamaguchi-san RUN!!!

Meanwhile Fabian says he was trying not to cry on the dance floor and “not look like a – a you-know-what”! A what Fabian?!? A WHAT?!? A F…A…Bian? Hmmm? Too late. You already opened your mouth 6 episodes ago. I still have glitter in my eye from it.

Up next – Mario! He’s looking to recover from last week’s debacle. During rehearsal he says he’s fighting to stay in the competition because it’s “life or death”! IF only! How fun would THAT show be?!?! They could do a whole trap-door-to-fire-pit elimination show!

Karina wants to get him into shape for the Pasa Doble – so she decides to make him bench press her:

Big deal. I’d like to see you bench press MJW. THEN I’ll be impressed.

Mario and Karina begin their Pasa Doble. Mario is flinging a cape all around. What’s with all the friggin’ capes?! However once he ditches it they really start to bust a move around the floor. Their feet are on fire and it looks like bench pressing 30lbs of boobs helped somehow – Mario is back! They finale move is amazing! Karina runs up behind him and he flips her over him into a split!

Although this always works easier when she’s hanging from the ceiling above a bed. Although that move always ends with a cigarette and 20 bucks on the nightstand.

Bruno loved it – called him “strong and powerful”! Watch out Cristian – someone’s got a new crush! Carrie liked it – didn’t love it – and had problems with his consistency. And then there was Len. Who was confusing to say the least. He called Mario’s style of dancing “wild” – which I think is bad. It was hard for him to explain since Bruno was flipping out that Len was picking on his new BF. Len then tells Mario that he’s 21 – and Len has “underpants older than him”. I swear at the beginning of each night Len thinks of the most random thing he can say and then just finds a random place to say it. Anyways, my skin just crawled thinking about Len sitting there in dirty ol’ undies – covered in sweat stains and skidmarks.

The judges scores are all over the place! Carrie gives an 8, Len gives a 7 and Bruno gives a 9! Looks like Bruno wants to recreate a naked Benetton ad with Mario and Cristian!

Up next, NFL star Jason Taylor! And according to Edyta, this week Jason has to treat her like a “proper lady”! Yeah – that’s right! No more freebies – it’s time to start paying for it! She’s a lady AND a tramp.

She then decides that the only way to teach Jason is by bringing him to Medeival Times to be taught chivalry by a knight. Good idea. This is just like the time I took my nieces to Disney World to teach them to be happy ALL THE TIME. NO MATTER WHAT. Even if it makes you cry inside.

This was seriously the most useless segment EVER! Edyta ACTUALLY says, “I really feel like Jason learned a lesson from the knight.” What lesson?! How to bypass a respectable career and become a carnie that rides horses?

Or how to dress up in the Hans Solo costume I wore in 3rd grade?

Jason and Edyta then begin their Viennese Waltz! It’s passionate (Obviously Medieval Times gets the blood pumpin’!) and graceful. Although I must admit it’s really funny to watch Jason – a 9ft tall football player dance around the stage like this:

It’s just too fancy.

However he does practically make out with Edyta during several moves. And although he looks awkward doing this fancy moves he’s fully dedicated which is fantastic. I mean, the poor guy has to partake in this final move:

He must be absolutely hating this. PS – Edyta, don’t forget to wipe the floor when you’re done.

Carrie loves the dance and the “seductive angle” they took. Doing it on the side always helps there. Len calls it a “Wow” of a waltz. Bruno says “It was like a majestic swan intertwined in a mating ritual.” Well fuck-a-duck I think he’s right!

Back in the green room Jason tells Useless Samantha that it’s easy to dance with such skill because Edyta is better looking than the guys he plays against. Well… that and those guys wouldn’t give you an hour long hummer during practice. I’m just saying.

The judges scores come back and HOLY SHMOLY! Len gives a 9 and Carrie and Bruno give 10′s!!!!! Jason ties with Kristi for 29!!!! It’s ON! Lock and load Yamaguchinator! Maybe they won’t have to shoot her after all.

Up next, Cristian de la Sweatiness! Him and Cheryl are getting along just swimmingly in rehearsal! And by that I mean the walls are painted in blood. Shit! Cheryl is Pissy McSnapperson with Cristian. I know my patience would be short with him – but she’s like .2 seconds away from socking him.

She decides to take Cristian to her dance studio opening for a shameless plug and to meet her previous (winning and hotter) dance partner, Drew Lachey. At the opening the three have awkward conversation in front of cameras and Cristian asks Drew if Cheryl was hard on him. Drew says yes – she rode him ALL THE TIME. RODE HIM. What?! It’s all purely speculation!! Allegedly!

Cristian also gets to hold the trophy Cheryl and Drew won:

Be warned. This is what dumb ass is gonna look like if he wins. (And notice Cheryl’s immediate reaction when a big ball is put in front of her.)

Their Pasa Doble begins. And I haven’t seen this much tan skin thrown around a stage since Britney’s “comeback” performance at the VMA’s. They’re both dressed like vampires in goth-drag. Cristian is desperately trying to emote fierce passion and masculinity with angry movement and screaming “HA!” but it’s just coming off as forced – and he also sounds like he’s herding cattle. And Cheryl is SO not that fat. And he has this crazy-ass look on his face like he’s gonna SNAP at any moment. Let’s hope!

My favorite move is when he drags her ass across the floor:

Which instead of a slow, smooth drag is more of a stop and start, stop and start – making it look like any minute he’s gonna scream, “JESUS! How many fucking hams did you eat tonight?!?”

Len loved the intensity but doesn’t think they measured up to the powerful music that was playing. Ouch. Out matched by a trumpet. That BLOWS. Hey oh!! (I’m allowed one pun per recap right?!) Bruno compares Cristian to a prideful bull and calls is “very spanish and very latino!” Unfair! How’s the Yamaguchinator and Chubbers supposed to be Latino? They should get to dance Kabuki and Polka, respectfully, to even it out. Carrie thinks they did match the music – AND she calls Cristian out for having crazy eye!!!

(Side note – Tom makes a crack about looking forward to how dark everyone’s spray tan will be next week! THANK YOU! Leave it to the whitest guy in the room to notice.)

Back in the green room, Cristian says he wanted to make his Spanish grandpa proud with his dance. To which Useless Samantha replies, “Well…I think you’ll do him proud…(long stutter) with… (stutter) that.” WTF?!? Useless! Totally a Tivo replay moment!

The scores come up and Carrie and Cheryl give 9′s while Len sticks with a modest 8. The Brit always seems to score lower. I like it. You can’t tell me that dance was one point away from perfection!

Cristian then yells “Vote for me” in spanish – again! No fair! You don’t see Kristi yelling “Ichiban!! Ichiban!!” every chance she gets!

Up next, Shannon! And holy shit! We find out Derek almost snapped his fucking neck last week! The ambulance came and everything!

Only the kiss of true love will save him! (And approx 5,000 cc’s of morphine.)

During rehearsal Derek has to stay on the side and coach while Jonathon (apparently DWTS’ favorite sub in a pinch) dances with Shannon. There’s lots of drama – Derek wants to dance while Shannon cares for his health instead. It’s the like the gayest “Young and the Restless” episode I’ve ever seen.

Derek and Shannon begin their waltz. I was kind of hoping Derek would keep his neck brace on for added effect – but no. Their dance is actually BEAUTIFUL! Shannon is graceful, flowing and gorgeous. Oh guuurrrlll – love it! Aside from watching if Derek’s head was gonna snap off, I thought it was the best dance of the night!

Bruno thought the “hot babe has graduated into a class act!” Carrie thought it was “organic” and Len thought…. it was the best dance he’s seen all night!! HOLLAH!! Bitch you better give her a 10.

Before breaking to the green room, Tom makes a joke about the judges taking their paddles to tomorrow night’s kid performers. YIKES. I love the judging table reaction shot:

Carrie: “That comment was unnecessary.” Bruno: “We’re gonna get sued!” Len: “I love a good paddlin’, I do! Cheerio!”

The scores come back – Carrie and Bruno give 9′s while Len gives his FIRST 10 OF THE SEASON!! Nice job ol’ boy.

Derek is so excited he shows Len the “O” face he’s gonna get later!

Awww – it must be cute when Len & Derek and Bruno & Cristian go on double dates to Sizzler.

Up next, Marissa Jaret Winokur, aka MJW, aka Chuuuuubbers! (Love you Chubbers!) During rehearsal Tony makes the promise that he’s giving MJW a Pasa Doble that the judges won’t forget! I’m sure they won’t. It’ll be the first time they’ve seen a hot dog eating contest incorporated into a spanish dance.

However – Chubbers is ready to kick the judges’ ass…

And take a bite out of them too!

They perform their Pasa Doble and it’s FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! LOVE IT!!! CHUBBERS YOU ROCK! I’m so proud of our little Broadway babe! She’s fast, furious, passionate and she’s actually DANCING! LOVE IT! Just look at this VIXEN:

“GIVE IT TO ME TONY! I CAN TAKE IT! I did Broadway with Harvey FUCKING Firestein!”

And the judges love it! Although Carrie is totally a bitch at the beginning – taunting Chubbers with a “What?!” before she tells her it was “fantastic”. Len congratulates the “new” Marissa and says “if your back next week keep it up!” EWW. He didn’t have to add that! Dick! Bruno gives her love too and Chubbers goes NUTSO!

The judges give her… 8′s across the board! BOOO!!!! I TOTALLY think she deserved better! At least one 9!! BASTARDS!!

And that’s it! Kristi and Jason take the top spots while Adam (rightfully so) is at the bottom of the pile. So what do you all think? Do you think Adam’s SHANNANIGANS will get him booted?!? Was Jason or Kristi better? And most importantly – wasn’t Chubbers totally ROBBED?!?! DISH IT!!!