Dancing with the Stars: Laugh Until You Die A Little Inside

It’s elimination time on Dancing with the Stars! Also known as the beginning of someone’s journey to “Celebrity Rehab”!

We jump right into the night’s special guest – Sheryl Crow! And THANK YOU Sheryl for being the first guest on this show NOT to have butchered your face! She looks beautiful and she actually has distinguishable features. WELL DONE. Hoooooowever… her singing is… blaaahhh. It’s pitchy dawg!

And she’s talking through “All I Wanna Do”. And I understand – she’s probably sung it 3 billion times. But put some friggin’ effort into it! I think she’s even rolling her eyes. Hey – talk to your agent – we’re just as pissed you’re on this show as you are.

Luckily the pro-dancers come out to liven it up a bit. Edyta is definitely winning the “Who Can Be the Fake Tannest?” competition. Next time I go to a bar I’m ordering an “Edyta” – it’s just vodka and Kahlua. Get it?

I see London, I see France, I see Kym didn’t get her hoo-ha area spray-tanned and Edyta wears grannie underpants!!!

Tom and Useless Samantha then review the dances from the night before. Kristi and Mark kicked ass (of course) and there’s a shot of them celebrating:

They’re slowly but surely becoming that perfect couple whose marriage you secretly hope ends in lamps being thrown and a bitter divorce.

Marlee did a great job but the judges said she needs to work on keeping her “bum” under. She says she’s ready to work on her bum (in the male voice of her interpreter) to which Fabian replies “I’m ready to work on the bum!” SOOO PRICELESS!! Dear Marlee, You have the #1 bum worker on the show dancing with you. Don’t fuck this up! Love, bBitz (PS – Run screaming if he takes a strap-on out)

Priscilla comments how she’s sorry she did the lift last night but that she “likes the feeling of both my legs up off the floor.” WOW. I love how you could hear the audience cackling in the background. I think Louis’ expression says it all:

“ICK. I need a shower AND a male douche after THAT comment.”

Chubbers and Tony are still ecstatic about their 8′s from last night! Aww – they’re like the homeless guy who appreciates the quarter you throw at him. I’m glad they’re happy.

Cause you don’t want to be around when mouths like this turn evil.

Cristian and Cheryl were happy that they used the power of the bull. Whatever that means. Those two couldn’t wrap their head around a metaphor if it was a pole and their head was a stripper named “Sin-a-Man”. Speaking of…

Raise your hand if you dressed up as a slutty Christmas present!

Shannon and Derek were thrilled with their “10″ from Len. Shannon does a rap about it. Just when I thought she couldn’t suck at anything more than acting. Bless her dumb heart.

Meanwhile Julianne says “Screw the judges!” to which Adam replies, “You might want to do just that to get us better scores.” I COULDN’T AGREE MORE.

After commercial, Len announces that because of their “entertainment” value the judges would like to see Adam and Julianne to their HORRIFIC Pasa Doble again. OMG! Please tell me it’s cause they know he’s getting the boot! Ugh. Excruciating. The only way I get through it is pretending Hitler was reincarnated as that unicycle. Take that!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha tries to get Shannon and Derek to talk about the sexual tension between them. Right after this she’ll be interviewing Liza and David, Tom and Katie and Oprah and Stedman on the same subject. Thanks Useless Samantha! Back to you Tom!

Tom goes over the rankings and we find that Adam and Pri-Pri are at the bottom. Chubbers has made a comeback to tie for 5th with Mario and Marlee. Cristian is fourth, Shannon is third and Kristi and Jason are tied for first! Now let’s get this shit over with and start cuttin’!

Tom reveals that Jason and Edyta are safe. Useless Samantha reveals that Kristi and Mark are safe. Nooo surprises here!

After commercial, Tom introduces us to a new element – a kids competition! And the judges will actually be judging them! Good lord, I can’t wait to see Len make a little girl cry and Bruno make a little boy feel violated!

First up – Daniela and Aaron! We see them practicing on their front lawn. So cute! They can’t afford a nice dance studio for these kids to practice in?

What’s next – learning the viennese waltz in a dumpster? Or was the sand box filled with razor blades already booked?!

Daniela says alot of her friends think she’s has a crush on Aaron, to which she tells them, “No – he’s just my PARTNER.” They then go on to show Aaron doing his “favorite thing” which is playing with his little dog. Oh boy. Thanks Daniela – you’re officially the WORST BEARD EVER.
Aaron and Daniela dance their samba and of course they’re fantastic. The one friggin’ problem is the guy singing the song – “Under the Sea” TOTALLY fucks up the words!!!! DUDE!!! There are 9 year olds dancing their hearts out on live TV to millions of people – they don’t miss a step – AND YOU FUCK UP A DISNEY SONG WITH (I’M SURE) THE WORDS IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! SHIT. Did Useless Samantha teach you how to read a cue card?! I wanted little Daniela to march up there and shove the sheet music down your throat but she was too busy DOING HER SHIT RIGHT.
The judges of course give them nothing but love and they totally deserve it. Poor little Aaron looks like he’s going to shit his pants. Shouldn’t these kids be out playing and having fun? Oh well – gotta practice or Yamaguchi will come out, do it better and then take their future jobs.
One last thing:

Up next, Aaron and Rashall. They’re both 8. And umm…

HOLD THAT THOUGHT! It looks like someone’s parents had his lil’ beauty mark removed before the show!

Aaron and Rashall go to perform an amazing Pasa Doble and basically hand the other kids their asses. Kid competitions are fierce. My favorite part? Look at the face Rashall makes at the end of their dance:

Bruno says they may be small but they’re still an enormous fire power! He’s shocked that even though they’re so small they “acted” it well. What’s the big deal? Tom Cruise is 3.5 feet tall and he still “acts”. Carrie completely loved it and thinks they have a shot at being famous. Way to fuck with their little heads Carrie. They’ll be addicted to smack before the next commercial break.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha struggles to keep up with the wit and vocabulary of the 9 year-olds. And then the judges reveal who they’d like to see back… Carrie votes for Aaron and Rashell, Len votes for Aaron and Daniela and Bruno votes for Aaron and Rashell. OH PUH-LEASE. Sympathy vote Len!!! We all know the kids in red were better. Better to break the spirits of the loser team early on in life – the world needs ditch-diggers too.

My favorite part is when winner Aaron exclaims “I feel sorry for them” in the tone of “SUCKERS!!!” Useless Samantha goes “Awww how sweet”. Christ. She can’t even pick up on the sarcasm of a 9 year-old.

Sheryl’s back for another performance. This time a song from her new album. AND… she’s SINGING! Apparently she butchers “All I Wanna Do” on purpose so that people will stop asking her to sing it. And she has some big-time world champion dancers joining her. Who are FABULOUS! So what do the producers decide to do?!? KEEP CUTTING AWAY TO A SHERYL CROW CLOSE-UP! Why must they do this?! It’s a DANCE show! Show the DANCERS!!!

If I wanted to see Sheryl Crow this close-up, I’d drop a testicle and win the Tour de France.

The performance continues and the dancers are amazing. Very sharp and clean. And I thoroughly enjoy watch them shake their asses and grind while Sheryl sings the line, “Children of Abraham lay down your fears, swallow your tears!” Faaaaantastic.

Next up is a semi-interesting segment about the pro-dancers and how they choreograph all of the dancing for when the special guests perform. Oh… that’s sweet… can you imagine then, if the FUCKING PRODUCERS CUT AWAY FROM THEM DURING THEIR ROUTINE TO GET A CLOSE-UP OF A BOOGER IN THE SINGER’S NOSE!!!? ARG!!!

We learn that last week it was actually supposed to be Derek dancing with Julianne to Kylie – not Mark. Derek had to go and fuck his neck all up. Luckily for us, Mark is hotter. Sometimes God is good.

They interview previous guests about the dancers and we get treated to more time with the Jonas Brothers. UGH. I can’t even. I politely refer you to the recap from when they were first on. I just can’t… handle any more….

Tom announces that Marlee and Fabian are safe! Can I get a “Holllah” for my girl Marlee?!? Make it loud. No louder! LOUDER! Oh fuck it.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha is trying to start shit between Kristi and Jason. Kristi is, of course, not playing along and being all nice and polite. Boo! Boring! If Useless Samantha was smart she’d have whispered “Jason said Oksana Baiul could kick your ass” into Kristi’s ear. Bitch would have went CRRAAAZY!!! Jason goes on to say that he has Kristi’s butt in sight at all time. Or something like that. This show is a train wreck of metaphors at all times.

Back to Tom who announces that Cristian and Cheryl are the next couple that are safe. They’re excited. Me too! He’s so easy to make fun of! We then find out that Mario and Karina are safe too! Looks like Mario’s high-school fan base is really pulling for him.

Finally we’re down to four – Priscilla, Shannon, Adam and Chubbers. Please oh please let Chubbers be safe! Her little heart cant take it! Especially since it’s running on gravy.

WHAT?! Shock! Priscilla and Louis are in the bottom two! What!?? Not Pri-Pri! The stage is completely dark and silent and all you can hear is Pri-Pri say:

“Uh oh.” (CLASSIC!!!)

Come on people she needs that prize money so she can stop dragging Elvis’ dead body to birthday parties and bat mitzvahs.

Shannon and Derek…. are safe! Adam and Julianne… are also in the bottom two! Hooray for Chubbers! We turn to the judges and Len says it’d be sad to see Adam go because he’s been so much fun and so entertaining. Eh. I say peace out. Unless they got footage of him falling down a staircase – I’m not interested.

Bruno says we’ll lose the “Hollywood Glamour” if Pri-Pri goes home. Did you hear that Shannon and Marlee?!?! OUCH. That’s cool – I mean, Marlee only won a FUCKING OSCAR! Do you have any idea how hard she had to work for that? And how many Hollywood Execs know how to say “Thanks for the BJ – you got the part” in sign language!?! But I guess that means nothing to you Bruno.

Tom finally announces that the couple to go home is… ADAM AND JULIANNE! To which Pri-Pri looks like she’s gonna faint:

“I can’t go on! I can’t go on!”

Adam and Julianne come down to say their goodbyes. Useless Samanta tries to ask him a dumb-ass question about what he would have wanted to do next week and he basically tells her to stick it and he’d rather talk about here and now! LOVE IT! Adam then refers to Julianna and says “I lost 20lbs of fat and gained 20lbs of angel!” They then show a shot of Shannon’s reaction and you can see her repeat the line to Derek with the expression:

“Oh hell no! That Bitch is not 105lbs!”

The claws are coming out! And that’s his sister!!! Meanwhile Adam gets all sentimental and tells the audience he has had a great experience and that everyone should “try to do something that scares them!” An inspired Bruno turns to Carrie and asks her if she wants to bone.

So that’s it! Results Show is over and Adam is going home! What did you all think?!! Should Adam be going home? Did Sheryl really, actually have “fun” tonight? And should kids be allowed to come within 50ft of Bruno?! DISH IT!