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This week on Dancing with the Stars – we mourn the loss of the Adam “Bear on a Cycle” Carolla and things heat up with Latin night! Sambas and Rumbas – Oye oye!
I’m so excited! Latin night! Fast, passionate dancing filled with the promise of spills and thrills! And we’re already down to just 8 contestants! Our good host, Tom Bergeron, informs us that we’ve reached our half way point from the original 12. Not really sure how that math works – but I’m guessing that introducing 4 years of whiffle-ball-bat-smacking-nuts videos turns a man’s brain to mush. Aaaand speaking of mush for brains, Useless Samantha is looking lovely this evening.
Starting us off tonight – the man who the judges were a mix bag over – Mario! Mario knows he has a lot to prove with Len and says he knows the judges are waiting for something special from him – and he doesn’t feel like he has GIVEN it to them yet. He THEN does this move during rehearsal:
I call this move “Giving a little something special!”
Mario says he needs a little self-confidence boost so he heads on over to Stevie Wonder. Clearly. Who didn’t see this coming.
Well, ok – I can actually think of one person who didn’t.
Ugh – this is so random. Stunt casting and self-promotion – Dancing with the Stars has finally made it to the big leagues.
Mario and Karina’s Samba begins. It’s actually pretty fantastic. Hopefully Len won’t shit all over it again. I don’t know how many times Mario can handle that. He really seems like he’s enjoying himself – shakin’ that ass and being all samba-like. The sexuality of the dance is at full throttle too:
“Hmm… the other one is milk… but this one is pure vodka!”
Now before we get into the judges reactions – it’s time for my favorite part of the evening. A shot of the band – starring…
The mother fucking queen!!! Guuuurll! Look at that shirt. I think we know where the Ring of Power is hiding from Lord of the Rings. If that thing snaps there’s gonna be a whole lotta pink shrapnel ripping through the studio audience.
Time for the judges – and Len liked it! He was a little picky about his footwork but he appreciated Mario’s “gay abandon”! Speaking of – Bruno loved it too! He loved Mario’s naughty hips. Apparently his hips do not lie. Carrie is pleased Mario didn’t give his usual “fuck me” eyes and just stuck to the dancing. She didn’t say that exactly – BUT her hair looks sassy tonight so she probably was thinking it.
Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Mario how Stevie Wonder influenced his performance tonight. Mario gives some bullshit line about music and dancing being the same – and says it’s thanks Stevie. Good lord. Seriously?! What a cheese ball.
And something needs to be said about this:
Can we talk about the over-tanning?! This girl is RUSSIAN. Last I knew those people are WHITE. She is seriously like one shade lighter than Mario. I’m shocked his white shirt isn’t smeared with tanner. Ick.
The judges give them 9′s across the board! Nice job Mario! You’ll obviously make it to next week! I hope Karina sticks around for next week – but apparently she’s going to be in a remake of the Jazz Singer.
Next up – Pri-Pri! Last week she pissed Len off with the “illegal” lift. Girl just likes to get thrown around! Helloooo – she was married to a rockstar – it’s required! Pri-Pri tells us she was shocked to drop from #2 to second-to-last.
Side-note: Why is it they always have Pri-Pri’s interview in a room that looks like a goth chamber?!
It looks like she’s on the set of a Meatloaf video.
Louis tries to get her hips going in rehearsal for the Rumba. AND they start to get P-I-S-S-Y with each other! Oooh – it’s gettin’ good! Let’s hope Louis takes a swing so we can watch Pri-Pri break him in half. My money would TOTALLY be on her.
They begin their Rumba and Pri-Pri is wearing more sparkles than a pride parade. AND THEN SHE PULLS THIS MOVE…
If she lays another Lisa-Marie I’m gonna wretch.
Did any of you ever, EVER think we’d see Pri-Pri do that?! They continue dancing and well – I;m really not that impressed. They have their moments – but (aside from splitsville) I don’t think it’s anything my parents couldn’t have done.
Bruno calls her “re-assuredly expensive” which I can’t make heads or tails of. Did he just call her a whore? In any case – he nails her for missing a couple of moves. Carrie says Pri-Pri was “in her head thinking too much.” Poor Pri-Pri! The first time in her life someone says that to her and it’s bad news! Len REALLY disliked it and NAILS her for everything. The judges erupt in a fight – Samantha and Bruno vs. Len. Whatever! Go get ‘em Len! That WAS boring!
Back in the green room, Pri-Pri bitches that the music was too slow and she missed a turn because she was too “in the moment”. Lady – this is a DANCE competition – not a yoga class! And I blame Louis – pick a routine that doesn’t make me snooze half way through! Next time make her dance while holding a watermelon between her thighs or something.
The scores come back and they’re all 7′s! Pri-Pri is surprise AND SO AM I! UGH. Will we ever get to see someone come up with 4′s in this competition?!?! They’re being way too ice!!! BOOO!!! Grow a pair Len!
Up next, Marisa aka Chubbers! She’s doing the Samba and looooves shakin’ her booty in rehearsal. Of course Tony loves shakin’ his. But who HASN’T seen that?! Chubbers jokes that she was a stripper in another life. Honey, just because people throw quarters at you doesn’t make you a stripper.
Chubbers tries to get into character by wearing a Brazilian head dress. She dances all around her house with it.
Those hips are saying “Aye Carumba!” And those hips DO NOT lie.
Chubbers and Tony start their Samba. Girl is shakin’ and groovin’ like a ’57 Chevy! I don’t know if it’s technically right but she is SELLING it! You can tell she finally doesn’t give a shit about being a chubbers and she’s WORKING it! Go girl! She might just be turning into my favorite!
And what part of this face DOESN’T look like she’s kickin’ ass!?! Rowr!!!
The audience goes ape shit and the judges are loving it too! Carrie thinks it was her best ever! And Len loves the steps and the BOUNCING involved! All that jigglin’ paid off! Bruno comments that there were more “shakes” in there than a ” cocktail bar”! He then compares her to a beach ball. Alright dick – watch it. I’m pretty sure he just stopped sort of calling her a garbage bag filled with cottage cheese.
The scores are back – and it’s 8′s ACROSS THE BOARD! Which is great BUT I wanted more for our chubbers! She seems a little bummed – and rightfully so. I’d like to see Kristi shake and shimmy like that!! Give the girl a 9 already!!!!
Up next, Cristian! It’s Latin night and I’m sure we’re going to hear him reference being Latin about 3 billion times. Cristian is all about Latin pride and machismo – which makes it hysterical when, during rehearsal, Cheryl says he looks more feminine than she does!!! HAHAHAHA! She then goes on to teach him the difference between dancing like a man and dancing like a woman. This really only culminates in him growling and…
Making a gross poopy face. Apparently eating a lot of fiber makes you a man. And SQUEEEEZE!
There’s whole dream sequence segment where we get to see what must look like the movies Cristian makes south-of-the-boarder. Now I know why he fled to the US. I’ve seen better acting on “The Hills”.
Cristian and Cheryl start the Rhumba. Most of it consists of Cheryl spinning around him while he stands there. Honestly it looks like it couldn’t have taken him more than an hour to learn it. And you can tell he’s concentrating really hard the whole time. He’s one of those people that isn’t too bright. Like the kind that stick their tongue out while counting. I’m not wowed at all. If there scores beats Chubber’s scores I’m going to be livid.
Len calls it only “competent”. INDEED! Thank you Len! Bruno thinks the chemistry was great between them but needed them to caress each other more. He then demonstrates this on Len:
Len gets felt up while Carrie jots down her grocery list.
Carrie nails them for having a “lack of chemistry”. Cristian responds saying that “For the time we couldn’t do more”. For you kids at home that translates to “If this show was after your bedtime I would’ve been able to spray Cheryl down with my seed.”
The scores come back – 8′s from Len and Bruno and a 7 from Carrie! Yeah Carrie! Let’s not be shy here – way to stray from the pack! Cristian definitely looks like “el bummer” and then yells something in Spanish to the camera. I’m guessing he said something like “Vote for me and I’ll send you the coordinates to a hole in the fence at the border!”
Up next, Marlee! She totally kicked ass last week! This week – in order to really bring in the high scores again she… flies to Mexico to help deaf kids. OY. That’s great and all – but HOW’S THAT SUPPOSE TO HELP YOU NAIL THE SAMBA MARLEE?!!? Shit. Get your priorities straight!
Ok – SO – it turns out this segment was really sweet. Marlee helps donate hearing aids to kids that get to hear for the first time. I’d be an asshole to make fun of it. HOWEVER, this poor girl gets to be on national TV and hear for the first time ever…
Was there a reason her parents had to dress her up like one of those kids on “It’s a Small World”?! Way to defy stereotypes! This could only get better if her first spoken word is “Chicle?!”
Back in the rehearsal space Fabian and Marlee are having communication problems. He can’t speak sign language and she can’t speaking flaming homosexual. This is going to come down to either a fantastic dance or smeared lipstick and hair-pulling.
Marlee and Fabian start their Samba and girl is shaking it like a hula girl on a dashboard! It’s quick and flashy but there’s definitely some awkward moves. She’s honestly a little reminiscent of “Monica Roboto” which scares me! Although she does pull this kick-ass move:
This move was called the “Human Swastika” but later changed for obvious reasons.
Bruno thought it was hot and sexy. However he does critique her on the timing at points. Carrie notes that she definitely stumbled at times but she was proud that she kept going. I love Marlee too but it’s pretty obvious that although the judges said they wouldn’t give her any “handicaps” they totally are. Oh well. Fuck it. I love her!
Back in the green room, Marlee admits she f-ed up a lot but that she was a trooper to keep going. That’s all well and nice but it would’ve been pretty funny to see what “OH FUCK THIS!” is in sign language! Len and Carrie give her 7′s while Bruno gives her a questionable 8.
Up next, Kristi Yamaguchinator! Last week she got 2 10′s! She’s FIERCE! Now this week we get to see Mark awkwardly rub up on a married Mom. Kristi is uncomfortable with all the vertical sex-making (or however Mark was describing it) so she comes up with the idea to role-play – so she can become someone else. Just when they’re getting HOT and into it…
SURPRISE! It’s a visit from her kids and husband! Sometimes I truly love what assholes the producers can be!
It’s totally fine anyways. It’s better the girls see this now. That way they’ll be able to figure out that their prospective boyfriend is actually a prospective best-gay-friend much earlier on in life.
Kristi explains to her husband that her and Mark are playing characters so it’s not really her “doing it”. I’ve heard THAT before. Throw in a camera, a tripod and an elected official and you got yourself an evening! Her husband goes on to say “Mark – you’re drawing something out of her I haven’t seen yet!” If this was Jeopardy the clue would be “What is a whore-like quality?”
Kristi and Mark begin their Rhumba and WOWZA! It starts all sweet and cute and then gets all future, sex, love show! She’s seriously fantastic. She spins, twirls and grabs onto Mark like a hag clutches onto the one straight guy at a gay bar. And it’s magic!
All three judges love it. Carrie says Kristi showed true emotion, Len calls it “three words” – “Fa-Bu-Lous!” (I guess the British spell it differently) and Bruno wets himself.
You know what I noticed this week? There’s a lot less chit-chat with Useless Samantha! Which I say.. “BOO!” to. Come on – give the girl the chance to say something stupid! It helps this hour and a half fly by!
The scores come back with a 9 from Carrie and 2 10′s from Len and Bruno!! 29 again!! Stupid Carrie – way to fuck up a perfect score. Not that it deserved it. I just want to see someone get a perfect score.
Up next, Shannon and Derek! Tom tells us that Derek had a bout of food poisoning earlier in the day and went to the hospital! JESUS!!! Can this kid stay out of the ER for 5 seconds?!? I hope they don’t replay video of that 20 million times like they did when he hurt his neck. Is someone trying to sabotage them?!? Probably not – but it would be entertaining to start rumors – anyone?!?
During rehearsal Derek is wearing a baseball cap off to the side. I hate it when people do this. It doesn’t help when he’s dancing like – well – a ballroom dancer while wearing it:
“This hat doesn’t make me look too butch does it?” SWISH!!
Shannon goes on to tell us that being able to be comfortable with Derek helps their dancing. Looking into his eyes and being his friend helps with the awkwardness. Awkwardness like this:
“Does the hat make me look butch NOW?!? HUH!??!”
Shannon and Derek start the Samba – which is pretty good. It’s not crazy WOW or anything. I found myself watching the camera guys just to see what they’re all about. That’s never a good sign. HOWEVER – I did catch this little moment which I found interesting!
“OMG!!! IS HE GONNA FUCKING SPEW!?!? NOT IN THE HAIR!!!”
After the dance Shannon is breathing like a fat kid chugging a milk shake. Huffing and puffing away. GEEZ. Someone at least cut her mike during this part! And Shannon – get in shape already! If Chubbers isn’t panting like this after a dance – you shouldn’t be!!!
Len calls the dance pretty boring with not enough hip action. Bruno says she didn’t shake her “maracas” enough. Meanwhile Carrie says Shannon impresses her with the fact that she never gives up – no matter how bad she is. Fantastic! As they walk away Tom yells “How do you get spray tan off a suit?!?” Way to kick her while she’s down!!!
Back in the green room, Useless Samatha brings up how Derek was “throwing up in the hospital” – there’s our classy girl – she’s BACK! Meanwhile, Carrie and Len give 8′s while Bruno gives a 7! I definitely agree with Bruno – that was not worthy of 8′s! Boresville!!!
Last up, Jason and Edyta! Last week Jason got crazy with a 29 last week! This week though, Edyta tells us Jason has to learn how to move smoothly. But she believes in him…
And tells him he’s “#1″ in her own special way. What a gal!
They start their dancing and so far so good! It definitely helps that Jason is like 8 feet tall and has the arm span of an albatross. His extensions are pretty fantastic and can only make him look graceful. Edyta does her human pretzel trick and the crowd goes wild. I merely start to crave Auntie Em’s. OMG those cinna-sugar ones are the bomb!
The best part is when they cut away from their dance and (for the first time ever) show a CREEPY shot of Len watching them:
I don’t know what mental image is going through Len’s head at this point but I’m almost sure it involves Jason with a rubber ball in his mouth.
They finish and Carrie loves the dance and only tells Jason that he has to be careful of his arms looking weird when they’re down by their side. How the fuck is he suppose to fix that?! Thanks Carrie! NEXT! Len says he looks like a “bloke going for a dance”. Riiiight – I’m sure that’s all you were thinking Dr. Evil.
The scores come back and it’s 9′s across the board! Not bad – I think it’s deserved. Spice it up a bit next time – maybe ask Len for some ideas!
So that’s the show! Did Marissa shake it hard enough?!? Did Kristi’s alter-ego pull it off?! And most importantly, what ailment do you think Derek will have next week?! DISH IT!