Dancing with the Stars: Raise Your Hand If You Support Child Labor Laws in Dance Competitions!

It’s elimination time on Dancing with the Stars! It’s going to be a fantastic show – James Blunt is performing! You can’t see but I just threw my panties at the TV.

Kristi and Jason kicked ass last night. Bruno called Jason a “love God” – so clearly the judges weren’t holding any feelings back. It’s cute to watch Bruno and Edyta fight for his attention. And Chubbers was dropping it like she was hot! Like a hot tamale! And I’m not just saying that cause she’s filled with meat and cheese.

Mario promises if he gets three 10′s at some point he’ll weep. I will too – for death of the judges’ credibility.

Carrie and Bruno argued over whether or not Cristian and Cheryl’s rumba was “hot” enough. Cristian and Cheryl complain they can’t get “too hot” for network TV. And Cheryl adds that they can’t because he’s married.

OH CHERYL! Let’s not pretend THAT’S not a hill you wouldn’t climb!

Marlee had a difficult time with some moves. She totally looked like she was going to cry during the post-interview and my cold little heart almost broke. She even makes fucking up look dignified. Love you Marlee!

Len nailed Shannon (he wishes) for not using enough hip action. She’s all worked up about it. Come on Shannon – did you see the playback?! I’ve never seen a girl misuse a hot body so badly before on the dance floor! It’s like it physically hurt you to have rhythm.

Pri-Pri missed a turn and calls it “the worst thing that could ever happen”. I would’ve said my offspring having sex with a creepy child-toucher – but oh well.

Tonight Len decides he’d like to see Kristi and Mark’s rumba again. And of course it’s friggin’ fantastic. I love the part where Mark rips the hair clip off her head and she shakes her hair loose. What a vixen!

Where was she when they filmed “Memoirs of a Geisha”?!? She give 5 dollah bang bang so hard ok?!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha is interviewing Shannon. She admits she made some mistakes but blames that she’s still working on her cardio. UMMM SHANNON – do me a favor. Look over there at Chubbers. You know – MJW. The one that’s probably gnawing on a ham bone. Yes her. She kicked your ass last night. Why? She had energy, personality, passion and shook her money-maker. You, on the other hand, danced like a sorority girl at a debutante ball. WATCH CHUBBERS AND LEARN.

Useless Samantha asks Marlee if she’ll be frustrated if she goes home tonight. OY. I’ve said this before but Useless Samantha is TOTALLY that reporter that asks the lady how she feels about her house burning down in front of her. Anyways, Marlee says she’ll “strangle Samantha if she leaves!” AMEN SISTER! Unfortunately she’s just kidding and says she’s proud of herself and knows she tried her best.

Next up, the guest performer – Oza Motley. Either that or some street mariachi band just got let loose on the stage. I actually like them them. It makes me wish I had a basket of chips and a margarita though. Or dos cervezas. And they’re singing in Spanish too. Which is fine since I’m sure I won’t be able to understand a friggin’ word James Blunt sings when he’s up. Although I did hear them use the word “belt” in Spanish. I can only hope they’re referring to how they’ll beat Useless Samantha after their number.

The professional dancers come out and do a hot little number during the song. It’s good to see the dancers that got kicked off.

Although Jonathan looks like he gained some weight. He’s probably been in a binging depression with Monica Roboto.

Time to announce a “safe” couple – Kristi and Mark (no surprise) and one couple in the bottom 2 – Cristian and Cheryl!!! OUCH! Or “OYE!”

Up next, two new kid couples dance for the “Dancing with the Stars Jr Championship”. Otherwise known as “Future Stylists of America”. First, we have Demitri and Michelle. They say their secret to success as a dance couple is they never blame each other. Good luck with that after you hit puberty. That little prince is going to turn into a queen and it’s gonna be all over from there.

Michelle notes that the scariest thing that could happen is falling in front of the audience. Actually Michelle, this time you’ll be falling in front of millions of viewers at home – including all the kids you go to school with. THAT’S scary. Don’t worry though – those kids will be too busy stuffing Demitri in a locker to worry about you.

Demetri and Michelle dance to – what?!? “You Can’t Stop the Beat” – from HAIRSPRAY. You know – the song that MJW sang and got the Tony for!!! So WHY – please tell me WHY – is the friggin’ band singing it?!?! CHUBBERS!! WTF!!! Get out their and rip that mike out of that girls hands!!!! UGH!!!

Anyways – the kids do a great job…

Although I think certain dance moves should be left to the adults. Call me old-fashioned, but this just looks wrong.

Afterwards Tom asks Demetri how he met Michelle. He said he just walked up to her and asked her to be his partner. Awww. That won’t be the last time he asks someone to be his partner.

The judges of course give them all glowing reviews. Just once I’d like to see Len completely tear into a kid couple, let there be awkward silence and then say “Just kidding!” Just once. Come on Len.

The next kid couple is Jaryd and Cara. (BTW can parents name their kids ANYTHING simple anymore?!? Jaryd?!? Really?! WTF is wrong with JarEd?! That SOB has made millions off hocking Subway – you should be proud to name your kid after him!) This is actually one of the cutest couples. At one point Jaryd does hip-hop and Cara looks on like a trophy-wife. Although…

Why is it that in every segment these kids have to dance on their front lawn?!? Are they not allowed in the house?! I can just hear the parents, “Have you won first place yet?! No?! Well then you practice your shit OUTSIDE IN THE COLD!”

Cara then shows us how she practices her facial expressions. She also seems to have a future in miming:

Jaryd and Cara start their ChaChaCha and for being the youngest couple – they’re totally kick ass. They got their schtick down and little Jaryd moves his hips like a pro. I guess all that time locked out of the house pays off.

The judges eat it up. The kids keep saying how much they love making facial expressions. Bruno says they’re “The cutest little gremlins ever!” Ummm – nice backhanded compliment, DICK. Why don’t you throw water on them and see what happens!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks the kids who makes their costumes. The kids reply “We don’t have a choice. Our parents pick them out and we were them.” Who saw THAT coming?!? Right – like these kids are allowed to decide anything!

The judges vote on their favorite kids and it’s Jaryd and Cara – good choice – I concur!

Back to Tom – who fucks up an intro because of the teleprompter. Tom, who don’t get me wrong – I like – completely blames the teleprompter guy and makes a joke about firing him! Why do hosts always blame that guy when things go wrong! If you knew your friggin’ lines you wouldn’t have to blame him! Bastards. Oh well – doesn’t matter – that guy’s gonna be reassigned to waxing Chubbers’ nether-regions by tomorrow morning.

The next segment is all about the stars and how stressful it is to get ready for show day. The girls like to get all dolled up and the boys like to play football. Christ – is this show filmed in the 50′s?! Chubbers gets mock-pissed at Tony for banging on her wall and making her all crazy. Meanwhile Pri-Pri likes to light candles in her trailer and imagine nailing the dance moves. After last nights performance I’d say she might want to try some different candles. Perhaps a nice “French Stop-Fucking-Up Vanilla”.

Then Mario clearly uses this segment to his advantage:

Can we say “Courting the Teenage Girl Vote” anyone?!? Sheesh

Meanwhile Derek plays his guitar with his shirt open to calm Shannon. That is of course when he’s not in the ER for something.

Marlee spends time with her kids – who are adorable. Kristi prepares by reviewing her moves and concentrating – yeah – like THAT works. Oh wait. Never mind.

Time to announce another couple who is safe – Jason and Edyta! No surprise there. Boy has grace.

And now for a performance by James Blunt! Oh James… why do you look like you’re in physical pain every time you sing?

“You’re beautifuuuuull – it’s true – and I got sprayed with mace – and it’s in my faaace – and I don’t know what to do…”

Two world champion dancers, Eric and Georgia, join him and do a fantastic job. They’re so good that it makes you realize what we’re missing out on because of the “stars”. The professional dancers can never do fun moves like this because the “stars” are barely able to do the grape vine without having a melt down:

Question though – and I don’t mean to be gross – but seriously – where does he put his hand?! And is that comfortable for her? And how would you feel if that was your wife? Or husband? And what if she’s gassy? There’s just too many variables to comprehend with this move. Looks great though.

They did like 10 AMAZING moves after this one – this move was by far the best:

He holds her up and goes from laying down to STANDING all while holding her above his head. WHAT?!?!? It was crazy. If you haven’t seen the whole thing you have to find it online and watch it. BEST DANCE OF THE SEASON!!!! Not even James Blunt could fuck it up!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha is interviewing Cristian about being in the bottom two. He’s whining and bitching about it. Looks like the spanish isn’t paying off like he hoped it would. Pobrecito.

And now – another safe couple announced – Mario and Karina! And CHUBBERS and Tony!!! YEAH!!! I love it! Go Chubbers! You can’t stop the beat!

The next couple to be in the bottom two is… Priscilla and Louis! AWWW!!! Pri-Pri!!! Say it ain’t so! Uh-oh – she’s totally screwed. There’s no way she danced better than Cristian. Len reminds us that one wrong move can cost you the competition. Yup – it’s totally gonna be Pri-Pri. Aaaand – it is! Pri-Pri is going home!

Let’s take a look at the reactions:

Uhhh – wtf?!? Pri-Pri’s psyched and Cheryl is crying! Looks like they both equally hate spending time with their partners! Cheryl’s clearly thinking, “OH FUCK. I can’t take anymore of this MORON.”

Pri-Pri comments that it’s been a life-changing journey and she’s learned so much. AND Tom reminds us all that she is NOT running a psychic hotline. Apparently, ever since the April Fool’s Day segment when they all OBVIOUSLY were joking around about fake-jobs, some FRIGGIN’ idiots thought she was serious and they’ve been asking for the number. Really people?!? Really?!? I know she seems like that type of person – but it was in the same segment as Kristi saying she was a hot dog eating champion!!! UGH. If you people are reading this – do the world a favor and practice swallowing your tongue.

And on that note – we’re done! What does everyone think?! Was Pri-Pri booted too early!? How amazing were those dancers??! And most importantly, how many nights will the losing kids from the kids competition be forced to sleep outside after tonight?!? DISH IT!!!