Dancing with the Stars: Rootin’ Tootin’ Cluster-Fuck!

In this episode of Dancing with the Stars – we mourn the loss of Pri-Pri with a wild west cowboy number! Makes sense to me!

Our seven couples enter the stage and everyone looks great. Fancy outfits! Some are are wearing vests, bowties and classy gowns… and Marlee’s wearing tiger print. Someone’s out for blood and is dressing the part. Rowr!

And when the camera pans by Kristi and Mark they both put their fingers on their noses! What secret sign could this be?! Is that their kill sign for a sniper to take out their competition?! (Duck Mario!) Does Chubbers smell like roast beet again?! What could it be?!!?

Hey Kristi and Mark – show us where the coke goes before the show!

Up first, Jason and Edyta! His goal this week is to please Len by dancing “more”. Interesting. Edyta wants him to feel comfortable dancing by himself so she brings him to a freestyle hip-hop dance class. And it’s taught by this guy:

His name…is Sho-Tyme. SHO-TYME. Are you kidding me?!! It’s bad enough your name is a cable network – but did you also have to spell both words wrong?! Does his driver’s license really say that? I suppose it could be worse. Just think of how his gay brother, Jaz-Handz and slutty sister, Pohl-Dansah must feel.

I never realized how tall Jason really is until he walked into the dance studio and completely dwarfs everyone there. Sho-Tyme totally looked like Half-Tyme! Anyways, Jason ends up having fun and grinding with Edyta. Always a fun time. Let’s see if it pays off.

They perform their Cha-Cha-Cha and it goes pretty well. Jason is definitely shakin’ his ass alot more and “dancing” more. However he does seem a little stiff. You can tell he’s thinking about the dance moves and not just performing them. That was Pri’s problem last week and we know how THAT turned out.

They end the the number with Edyta’s classic “Nut Crusher” move:

Say I yours! Say I your babushka! SAY IT!!!

Len thinks Jason had plenty of content tonight and that he captured the “flavor of the dance”. I’m guessing that flavor is a mix of fajita seasoning and hot football player. Spiiiicey! Bruno liked that Jason was “cheeky” and “flamboyant” tonight. I’m sure Jason will thank you for those comments months from now when he’s back in the locker room. Bruno also adds that, however, Jason did lose the timing at one point which is a big no-no. FINALLY he adds that he loved that Jason “exposed himself”. Oy. Dear Bruno, Thank you. But all of these set-ups are almost making my job TOO easy. Love, bBitz

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Jason what he thinks each week when Edyta gives him the choreography. He gives a PC answer – but what’s REALLY interesting is the camera shot for this interview:

This was the angle for the whole interview! You could only see half of her face the whole time! HAHAHA! Who’d you piss off in the camera department Useless Samantha?!

The scores come back and it’s 8′s all the way – not bad – not great – Jason’s happy. Come on Jason! You gotta fight harder than that with Yamaguchi-san prowling the streets!

Up next, Shannon and Derek. And shocker – Derek’s NOT in the hospital this week!!! WHAT?! I know! Shannon says she was most worried about going home because she would miss Derek so much. Then he brings her flowers to rehearsal. I don’t get it. Are they TRYING to make us think they want each other? Is this a ploy to have drama surround them and therefore garner more votes?! I feel like I’m being toyed with! I love it.

Side note:

Who the fuck is doing Derek’s eyebrows?! Did Priscilla come back this week just to help?!

Shannon cries during rehearsal. Oh GOD. So Derek sweeps her away to the beach to practice hula-hooping at sunset. Then he takes off his shirt and they frolic:

Ok – so maybe Shannon’s coming on a liiiittle too strong. If this doesn’t send him to the ER again it’ll be a miracle.

And can we talk about how they’re doing this on a beach with just the two of them, a camera guy and the guy holding the boom mike. AWKWARD! If I was working that crew I’d have a migraine from rolling my eyes so much.

Shannon and Derek perform their Rhumba. They already scored points with me since they’re dancing to “True Colors” – one of my all-time favorites! Also ironic since we haven’t seen the true color of their skin for like 4 weeks now. Unless they actually ARE Oomp-Loompas.

Their dance is pretty good. It’s graceful, romantic and Shannon looks like a dancer.

My one problem is her outfit. It looks like a giant tongue of fabric with her ass hanging out of the back. They should have Project Runway work with this show! That would be HEAVEN!

Bruno thought the romantic interplay was sizzling BUT he NAILS her for the lack of hip action. I didn’t notice but I’m not a quarter gay as Bruno is.

I do however know a good “WTF?!” face when I see one – and I saw several from Shannon!

Carrie lectures her about her potential. I think she’s being a little nit-picky. But then again, I’m not half as gay as Carrie is.

Len loved their chemistry but notes the lack of hip action again. I don’t get it! Is it her ass?! She doesn’t have one! It’s not her fault! She hasn’t eaten since the first American Pie!

Back in the green room, HOLY SHIT USELESS SAMANTHA PULLS A FANTASTIC INTERVIEW OUT OF HER HAT!!! First she gets Derek to spew something angry about heal leads – then she corners Shannon about whether or not her and Derek’s little lovefest is actually a “SHOW-MANCE”!!! WHAT?!? LOVE IT! AND THEN after they give BS answers she says “Aww – you two have become close, EXACTLY how close have you two become?!” HAHAHAHA!!! OMG! USELESS SAMANTHA!!! WHERE have you been all this time!!! Fantastic! Way to go… SAMANTHA!!!

The scores come back and they’re all 8′s which I think is total BS. There have DEFINITELY been couples who did less and got a 9 or two.

Up next, Marlee and Fabian! Last week was rough but this week they’re dancing the Mambo and apparently Fabian is some what of a Mambo king. Marlee is getting down on herself so she calls up the most random celebrity guest I can possibly think of – Henry Winkler. WHAt?!? It’s the FONZ!

He tells her she has an amazing spirit and she can do the Mambo without any problems. It’s too bad she had a translator because by body language alone, he would’ve sounded like:

I WILL beat the deaf out of you if you miss ONE FUCKING step.

Heeey!!! Easy Fonz. Marlee goes on to rehearse like a mad woman. Looks like happy days are here again.

Marlee and Fabian perform their Mambo and it’s… oh shit…it’s pretty awful. Poor Marlee! She’s trying but it’s falling apart – moves are missed – rhythm is lost – at one point I think they improvised for a while. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FONZ! I blame you!

At one point Fabian goes apeshit-crazy and kicks Marlee in the head and snaps her neck!

Just kidding. But didn’t that move look crazy!?

The judges do their usual “You’re super great for doing this even though you’re deaf buuut….” and then nail her for mistakes. Although Len was really nice about it. What a guy. He’s like that cranky old grandpa you love. Until he sharts and wets himself.

The scores come back and they’re all 7′s. Nice? No. Fair? Yes.

Up next, Cristian and Cheryl. Cristian is excited to be dancing the fox trot. Cheryl notes that although Cristian doesn’t usually like the slower dances – this week because he has 2 dances to learn – he’s all about it. Something about Cristian and “slower” just seems like a good fit.

Cheryl tries to help him get his lines straight but he seems to be having issues. So, she takes him to a pool so he can practice dancing in the water. You’d think she’d think of better excuses by now to get him to take his shirt off. Like “Watch out – your shirt’s on fire!” or “Hey – your shirt is made of tacks!” I’m sure he’d fall for any of these.

Miraculously Cristian starts to learn graceful moves while floating through the water:

Something seems to be missing though…

There! That’s much better!

Cristian and Cheryl then perform their Fox Trot. It seems to go well technically but for some reason everything seems like it’s in slow motion. It’s kind of similar to Jason – they’re dancing well but you can tell they’re REALLY concentrating on it and the dance suffers because of it. Although Cristian does have a great little grapevine/ Frederico Astaireo moment:

Meanwhile, Cheryl’s dressed as a dancing mushroom from “Fantasia”.

The have a great finish but before we head off to hear from the judges – it’s time for my favorite part…

It’s the Mother Fucking Queen and her side-kick, Princess Anorexia! Hey girls! How many times have you eaten or thrown up, respectively, today? 5?! I thought so.

Len thinks that it was Cristian’s best! AND he promises to show his “bum” at the supermarket if Cristian is in the bottom 2 tomorrow night! Ew! Come on now! There’s food there! God knows what sickness you could give people exposing yourself like that!

Bruno also loved it! He thinks the footwork was excellent and Carrie thought he was refined! WOW. I thought it was good but a little… blaah. Or… el blaah-o.

The scores come up and it’s 9′s across the board! Cristian is, of course, ecstatic since this is his highest score yet.

Ugh. He gives me the shingles.

Up next, MJW….aka….CHUBBERS!!! Tony’s goal this week is to teach her the spins and lady-like behavior of the Viennese Waltz. No problem! So he takes her to an aerial spinning class to teach her how to deal with the spins.

Here’s a little taste of how THAT went down:

If she throws up everything she ate for lunch I hope everyones got rain gear and a life preserver on.

It turns out the spinning actually became easier after that. Chubbers says that she wants to dance like a princess and she hopes tonight is the night! Fuck “princess” Chubbers! You’re the Queen! Shake and bake!

MJW and Tony then perform their Viennese waltz. Chubbers is doing FANTASTIC and shows so much grace, poise and fancy footwork! I seriously forgot that when she first started this whole process she was not as kick-ass as she is right now. She wins most improved! She even does a crazy spinning to the floor move! WHAT?! I know. But it’s all true.

And she really does look like a princess! Even her dress is gorgeous! She’s FIERCE!

Bruno loved it and calls it “light and frothy”! Nice! He uses food terms so she understands. Very clever. Carrie says she’s “riding the Winotkur wave” which I think in girl-terms means they’re having their periods at the same time. Anyways, she loved it and Len concurs that she truly looked like a princess! YEAH! Give her a crown now! NOW!

The scores come back and Carrie gives a 9! Len an 8! And Bruno a 9!! TWO 9′s for Chubbers!! She goes friggin’ crazy and Useless Samantha hangs on for dear life. Chubbers gushes with love and thanks and well… it’s pretty much gonna take the janitors hours to clean the place up. YEAH CHUBBERS!

Up next, Kristi and Mark! The YAMAGUCHINATOR!!! She totally CLEANED up last week with her Rumba. This week – her and Mark start off by dancing at a charity event for her friend… TIGER WOODS! What?!? Ok – first Marlee and the Fonz and now this?! I always thought it was a ridiculous thought that all celebs knew each other – but now I’m thinking it’s true!

And has Tiger had work done?!

He’s starting to look like a black Wayne Newton.

Back at rehearsal we learn that at one point Kristi had clubbed feet when she was little. What?! This whole episode is SOOO RANDOM. They of course show photos of her with little clubbed feet – I’ll spare you all the photos – it’s not pretty. Needless to say – she overcame great obstacles to get where she is today… on an ABC reality show.

Anyways – time for their dance! Mark starts it off by jumping like 8 feet over Kristi’s head:

Looks like all of the practice jumping border fences paid off!

Their dance is friggin’ fantastic. It’s energetic, sharp and fun. Kristi’s lil’ post-clubbed feet were jivin’ away! And there’s a part where she spins and falls into a dip 3 times over and over. Really impressive. How I wish they could do the whole thing on skates!

After they finish, all the judges are up on their feet – and Carrie’s going crazy.

Can you tell she liked it?! It’s like someone just offered her a lollipop.

Carrie gives it a “hell yeah!” Len called it a delicious “dance buffet”! Mmm – sushi and tacos! And Bruno calls it high-definition entertainment – both Carrie and Bruno call it their favorite dance of the season!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha brings up the clubbed feet again. I was almost positive she’d ask Kristi how it felt to have clubbed feet but she drops the ball.

Side note:

Doesn’t Mark’s nose look like it’s the fake one that comes attached to those glasses?! He looks like gay-Groucho.

The scores come back and…. 10′S FROM ALL JUDGES!!! A PERFECT SCORE!!! The crowd goes wild! Aaaand the other contestants behind them totally do a polite golf-clap combo’d with a sly eye roll. Derek looks like he’s gonna get up and scream about heal leads again.

Before we move on to the next couple, Tom announces that Paula Abdul is in da house.

She then starts blowing kisses to no one in particular like she’s the queen-friggin’-mum. (And she’s dressed like Laura Bush) Oh how I wish the REAL “Mother Fucking Queen” would’ve stomped down from the band and tossed Paula over her head with a “Bitch this is MY HOUSE!”

Up next, Mario and Karina. Last week was a “come-back” week for Mario – his best dance so far. This week they’re doing the Rhumba. Mario misses his family so he decides to call his brother in Baltimore:

Can anyone tell me who paid for a spot in the segment?! Anyone!? UGH!!! I’m surprised AT&T didn’t tattoo their friggin’ logo on his brother’s forehead. I’m sure they asked.

We saw absolutely none of their rehearsal thanks to the AT&T commercial – so it’s off to the stage now. At one point Mario told his little brother to cover his eyes if it got too “steamy”…

I’m guessing he meant this part. Although really, her outfit is more offensive than anything. Looks like she’s going to a swimsuit competition at a toga party.

Time for the judges! And Len thinks it was too “raunchy”!! He’s all British and proper about it. Geesh. This is network TV Len – there are children’s minds that need warping! Products to hock! OF COURSE it has to be raunchy! Bruno, on the other hand, LOOOOOVED IT! He loved all the things Len hated about it! HAHA. He thought it was “Faaaaabulous!” And Carrie is totally on the Mario wagon too. She loved it BUT she did notice a LIFT (that apparently the boys missed!) so she plans on docking them for that! Oooh! Cold-hearted.

Tom warns us that Ashley Simpson will be performing tomorrow night. OOHHHH GOD. I hate her so much! I can’t wait!

The scores come back and while Len and Carrie give 9′s – Bruno gives a “smokin’” 10!!! Bruno loooves him some Mario (and Cristian!) It’s Mario’s best score yet.

Next we get to see the rehearsal for the star’s big group number. There’s a great part where Jason almost snaps Derek in half:

Look at the fear in Derek’s eyes!!! Let’s make it 3! 3 trips to the ER for Derek! Ah ah ahhh!

And at one point one of the girls throws another girl down on the padded mat and MISSES:

“Don’t get it my way bitch!” OH SNAP! No really – her fucking neck just snapped.

Cristian also takes the “Ride ‘em cowboy!” a little too literal:

Just when I thought I’d make it through one episode without seeing his “O” face.

Time for the big Western group number! Otherwise known as TOTAL DANCE CLUSTER-FUCK! What an entertaining mess! Thank GOD it’s not being judged or I’m SURE we’d see our first “4′s” and “5′s” of the season! Every time they were all supposed to be dancing together at least half of them were totally lost.

There were a couple stand-outs. Chubbers looked like she was having the time of her life. She even did a back hand stand with the help of Tony. And Jason looked like he was throughly enjoying getting spanked by Edyta:

The spanking’s one thing – but look at his face – where’s her other hand?!!

As all-over-the-place as it was, the number was fun to watch. And can I just say…

Chubbers has officially become my new favorite!!! Look at this girl! She looks fabulous and is totally yee-haw-kick-ass!

The judges loved it (however they note the out-of-sync dancing) and everyone had a rootin’ tootin’ cluster-fuck of a good time!

So that’s it! What do you all think?! Was Shannon better then what the judges dealt her? Will Marlee’s shining personality outshine her missteps?! And most importantly… What will Karina’s HPT read after Mario and hers dance?! DISH IT!!!