Dancing with the Stars: Someone Call the WAAAAAmbulance!

It’s elimination time on Dancing with the Stars! And nothing makes me think of elimination more than our special guest – Ashlee Simpson!

Tom and Useless Samantha review the dancing from the night before – including the wild west cluster-fuck. Last night’s clear stand-out was Marissa, aka CHUBBERS! Cristian also did a great job, raking in the high scores and comments “Wow – this is how Kristi must feel EVERY WEEK!” The claws are out! WOO WOO!

Meanwhile, Mario and Karina practically had sex on the dance floor. Marlee and Shannon got nailed too – but not in a good way. The judges came down hard on the both of them. Marlee handles it with grace, HOWEVER… SHANNON AND DEREK GO APESHIT CRAZY IN THEIR POST-INTERVIEW!!!!

Shannon bawls and cries and Derek mocks what the other constestants looked like while dancing. WOW! These two sure know how to make friends!!!

Derek also goes on a rant about how unfair the judges are! I love it! Unbridled stupidity!!!! This is what makes reality TV so great – when we get to the point where people stop being fake-nice and letting their true colors shine!

Jason handles his critiques with poise – saying you never know what might happen, regardless of the judges scores! He adds “It’s just important to have fun!” Awww. How sweet. But having fun DOESN’T BRING HOME THE FUCKING TROPHY NOW DOES IT?!?! Come on Jason – man UP!

And of course the big surprise of the night was Kristi and Mark getting a perfect score for their jive! Damn perfectionists.

Len decides that of all the fantastic performances from last night – he want to see the Cowboy Cluster-fuck from last night!!! Oy. It’s fun to watch but a total fucking train wreck. But that pretty much sums up why we love this show.

Up next we have a REAL train wreck – Ashlee Simpson! UGH!!! If there’s a God – she will pull an “SNL” all over again!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!!! I can’t stand her. And why does she make that stupid face in every song where she cocks her head back?!

And now she’s a red-head?! She changes her hair color as often as her nose!

Thankfully there’s some great dancers (who are never introduced) to entertain while Ashlee whines out some song called “Boys”. It’s AWFUL. If I have to hear it on the radio constantly I’m gonna jab a rusty knitting needle in my ears. $10 says Marlee is backstage right now signing – “Why’s everyone holding their hands on their ears in pain?”

While Tom and Useless Samantha go over the scores from last night, there are little inserts of the post-interviews – and BOY OH BOY do we get another treat from Shannon and Derek!

BWAAAAHHH!!! I’m gonna cram this fucking tissue box up Carrie’s ass!!!

Finally it’s time for Tom to announce a safe couple and it’s Shannon and Derek!!! Awww! Can’t wait for that interview in the green room! AAAAAWKWARD!!!!

And one couple that is in the bottom 2…. Marlee and Fabian! Aww – boo! I love Marlee – but her dance did totally blow.

Back in the green room, Marlee says she’ll be on FIRE if she makes it to the next round. She’s being super positive and not consumed with the wretched bitterness of say…. Shannon and Derek! Here’s Useless Samantha’s chance to go for a good blood-bath interview!!! Aaaaaand – ah SHIT. She totally let’s them off with their “We’re sorry – we got upset” BS response. Useless Samantha only adds “Well – we can see the passion.” Snoooooze.

Up next – a riveting performance by Riverdance! Anything’s better than another round of Ashlee Simpson! And it turns out these dancers are GREAT! I seriously DO NOT understand how they move their meet that fast. They’re like “Peanuts” characters – but Irish.

Usually dancing wouldn’t make me crave food.

But there’s something about this that makes me crave fish, chips and Guinness. I’m surprised Chubbers isn’t out there gnawing on one of those skinny bitch’s legs.

Up next, the battle between the kid dancers continues! Tonight we start with Brandon and Britney. And where do you suppose they’re practicing?

That’s right! OUTSIDE!! HAHAHA! These dance kids never get to practice inside! At least these two have graduated to a trampoline. Placing it right next to a wooden fence was a mark of brilliance. I hope these two when a trophy before that fence breaks a spine.

Brandon comments that he wants the judges to think they’re just as good as the “old people”. Wow – way to score points buddy. Len is like 150 years old. Did you go to the Shannon and Derek School of PR or what?!

And we find out that Britney is deaf in one ear! Awww! Poor Brit! I half-love you as much as Marlee! Go get ‘em girl!

Brandon and Britney perform their dance and OOOOOMMMMMGGGG!!! WTF!?! They’re AMAZING!!! And they’re 13?!?!? Holy shit! Do these kids do ANYTHING other than practice?! CRAP!

The judges love them and give them glowing remarks! I didn’t even notice that at one point Britney’s heal got caught in her dress and she pulled it out in the middle of a move! It’s funny to watch in play-back. I love these two – outstanding!

Up next, we have Austin and Liza:

Who are both 12. Except one of them LOOKS like they’re 26. Wanna take a guess which one?!

Austin says he likes ballroom dancing because it makes him a rebel against all the jocks in school. He says, “They think they’re cool – but look who gets all the girls in the end!” Aww – it’s cute when they’re tiny AND delusional.

They start their dance and it’s of course fantastic. I’m getting used to the kids being phenomenal. Austin’s little legs move so quick they’re like a blur. It helps to be a tiny dancer! They finish with a bang although it’s kind of funny when on the last move they slip a little and Liza falls back and crushes lil’ Austin:

At least he can tell his buddies he got laid.

The judges love them and congratulate Austin on being small in size but big on talent. Afterwards, Useless Samantha is in the green room with the kids and we find out the judges favor… Brandon and Britney! Yeah! They really were fantastic. Maybe they’ll get padded edges for their trampoline now!

Up next, we find out two more couples who are saved – CHUBBERS and Tony! YEAH! My favorite!!! And joining them – Cristian and Cheryl!!! YEAH – Len won’t have to show his pastey white ass in a supermarket! (see previous recap if you’re confused)

Back in the green room, everyone is SUPER excited UNTIL that is – Useless Samantha asks “There are 3 couples of friends out there who may NOT be safe – how does that make you feel?” UGH. THANKS Debbie-Downer! AND THEN she goes on to try and throw it back to Tom when she’s supposed to go to commercial! USELESS! I love it.

Back from commercial, we find out that Kristi and Mark & Jason and Edyta are all safe!! No surprise – they kicked ass and fans love them. HOWEVER – that puts Mario and Karina in the bottom two!! Oh snap! Looks like Mario’s AT&T commercial didn’t help!!

And now – the couple going home is MARLEE AND FABIAN! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! This is the first time I’m actually sad that someone’s leaving! I really loved Marlee! She’s super sweet about the whole thing – thanking everyone and sending love. I would’ve flipped the judges table over personally – but hey – she’s a lady.

Tom “steps out of the host role” and tells us he is a close friend of Marlee’s and says how proud he is. Awww! Social climber!!!

And that’s it! What do you all think?! Did Marlee get screwed?! Should Shannon and Derek have to take an anger-management class – or go on “Celebrity Rehab”?!? And most importantly – shouldn’t we all just be nice to Ashlee Simpson and write her a letter – that says “PLEASE STOP.”?!? DISH IT!!!