Dancing with the Stars: When Good Bodies Go Bad

This week on Dancing with the Stars – it’s double the dances, double the drama and double the ass!

Tom and Useless Samantha welcome us to a night of thrills, spills and…

Hold up – have you noticed how Tom holds his microphone when he’s not using it?! It’s a small thing that he does but it DRIVES ME NUTS. He always lazily holds it off to the side.

Come on Tom! Don’t get lazy! If Useless Samantha can keep it up – you can too. Besides, Bob Saget is in the wings just waiting to replace your ass.

Everyone’s looking great tonight. The camera zooms by the line-up and it goes reaaaallly slow now since there’s only 6 couples. Speaking of stretching out things to fill time – each couple gets to dance twice tonight! Once for ballroom and once for Latin.

Up first, MJW… CHUBBERS!!!! She kicked ass last week and she’s totally become my favorite! She’s an underdog! This week they’re doing the Rhumba so Chubbers has to pretend to be super-attracted to Tony…

I know sweetie – we’d feel the same way – but PULL IT TOGETHER!

And then moments later…

OH GOD! I take it all back!!! ABORT ABORT!!!

Chubbers gets confused during rehearsals about whether she’s doing the Rhumba or Tango and calls it the “Rumbango”! Indeed! I’d be confused too. I have to admit, I really give the stars credit from here on out – 2 new dances to learn in 6 days!? I’d have a total melt down AND crap a Rumbango.

First they perform their Tango. Chubbers looks great! And it’s SO weird to see her all sassy and serious! BUT she’s really doing a great job with it! UH OH! However – when I paused it to catch a move – I CAUGHT something!

A LIFT! She’s a good 3 inches off the ground! Does this count?! Did I finally catch one?! I hope Carrie doesn’t catch it – this was a sass-tastic dance move for Chubbers!

Len comments that he thought MJW had “plateau’d” but tonight she surprised him with her “best dance yet!” Yeah! Bruno thought it was full of passion and disdain. Disdain?! Anyways… Carrie says “You know you’ve had a rough road…” – yeah – cause of you Vicious Carrie! (OOh! New name!) But she goes on to say she loved it. Me too!! YEAH! I just Rumbangoed in my pants.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks if they’re ready for their first 10 – to which both Chubbers and I start to hyperventilate. Don’t get her hopes up! The judges come back with… all 9′s!! Which is great – but I was kind of hoping for a 10. Damn you Useless Samantha!

Up next, “film and TV star” Cristian and Cheryl. This week they’re doing the Viennese Waltz and the Samba – or the “SamBaltz” as Chubbers would put it!

Cristian gives names to the dance moves to help him remember. The “Carrie Ann” is grinding his pelvis – while the “Len”…

Is thrusting his “ahem” forward over and over. EW. We know how he gets votes now. And APPARENTLY someone freeballs it during rehearsals. GROSSSSS…. Wear a cup!

Cristian goes and visits his ADORABLE daughter – she must be adopted. And she can really repeat lines as necessary for the camera – what a cherub. I hope she got script approval.

They then perform their Viennese Waltz. It’s pretty romantic. Although the band sounds REALLY weird/off/creepy singing “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men. It sounds like when Will Ferrel and Cheri Oteri used to do the singing teachers on SNL.

It was a pretty good performance. Cristian looked stressed the whole time though. Bruno thought he looked like “South America’s Clark Gable”. And Carrie thought he was lacking just a bit of energy. I think if I just danced my ass off and Carrie said that to me – I’d march right over and smack her. Len thought it was nice to watch but wanted to see a more traditional Viennese Waltz. UGH. BORING!

The scores come back with two 8′s from Carrie and Len and a 9 from Bruno. A little harsh but Cristian seems pleasant about it – too bad it wasn’t Shannon and Derek getting those scores – it would’ve been a CATEGORY 5 SHIT STORM!!!

Up next, Mark and YAMAGUCHINATOR! Coming off of their PERFECT scores from last week, Mark is a little nervous since he’s never made it this far in the competition. It definitely helps when your “star” has respectable star quality and isn’t a “Cheetah Girl”.

Kristi takes Mark to an ice rink to help him relieve stress. She skates around like a little gold-medal winning sprite while he falls on his ass the whole time. Then she “ices” him in the face:

“Thanks for the relaxing day… you stupid bitch.” (BTW – I also posted this photo as it answers the burning question – boxers or briefs?!)

Kristi goes back to rehearsal and says she can feel “Jason, Mario and Cristian breathing down her neck – but I kind of like it!” WHAT?! Three men breathing down your neck! OH!!! What a hussy. I love how this show’s turned her from demure to harlot.

Kristi and Mark then perform their Waltz. They use a prop which is a glittery umbrella:

I knew Mark would figure out a way to use his bedazzler at some point. But on an umbrella?

They do a fantastic job and the dance is super sweet and graceful. My only fault is that they missed their chance to dance to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” (ella – eh eh eh) and instead opt for an Avril song.

Carrie loved it and thought using a prop is “risky” but that it worked. I didn’t realize using props was so taboo! At least it wasn’t a fucking unicycle. However Carrie thought Kristi’s turns were a little “off” even though they are “her thing”. WHATEVER Carrie! I’d like to see you spin – AND do it on skates. TREACHERY!

Len (OF COURSE) thinks that their was too much “mincing” – aka not the TRADITIONAL dance. Bruno rightly fires back that it’s called “creativity”. Seriously! If Len had his way the only people that would watch this show would be church ladies. And then the ratings would be fucked if it fell on bingo night.

Best part – Bruno calls Kristi a “little Madame Butterfly”!!!! OMG!!! He just called her a HOT ASIAN TRANNIE MESS!!!! LOL! LOVE IT!

Meanwhile, Shannon has her fun backstage and from the look of it she will, in fact, “never go back”.

The scores come back for Kristi and Mark – 9′s from Carrie and Bruno AND AN 8 FROM LEN!!! WHAT?!?! UGH! He’s so cranky and old! That was NOT an 8! Boooo!

Next up, Mario and Karina. Mario’s a little miffed that last week, although he got great scores – was in the bottom two. It does kind of suck – it’s like the adult version of dodgeball. Or something like that. I don’t know – I always watched that shit from afar on the playground. Me and the girls had better things to do – like gosssssip! Heeey!

And on top of it all, the poor guy has to learn the dance moves for his new music video. This pesky career of his keeps getting in the way of learning fancy dances. WTF MARIO?!!? PRIORITIES!!!!

Mario and Karina then perform their Fox Trot. Which is FANTASTIC!! I really like it – mostly because Mario actually looks like he’s enjoying himself – which is more than I can say for some of the others who perpetually constipated when they dance.

Len thought it was a great job but needed to be more graceful. Bruno compliments Mario on being so young. Bruno is the king of the backhanded compliment. Next time he’ll say “You’re really great at being an African-American. And that’s it.” He says the control wasn’t there but he’s “entertaining” to watch. Carrie agrees and suggests that Mario just “stiffens up”. Mmmm hmm – girl I bet you could help with that!

The scores come back and there all 8′s. Mario seems happy with it but for once I think he deserved better. At least he was graceful about it…

UNLIKE OUR NEXT COUPLE!!! It’s everyone’s favorite cry-babies – SHANNON AND DEREK!!!! Last week, their heads literally exploded during their post-interviews. In case you missed it, take about 100 angry bees, put them in a jar, shake the shit out of the jar – and then release them into a baby nursery. That’s what their interview sounded like.

Shannon then does a taped apology for her actions – which I’m pretty sure was demanded by the producers.

Heeey guys… remember that time I was all “WHAT THE FUCK?!!?” and kind of like, “YOU JUDGES CAN FUCKING SUCK IT!!!” and may have said, “I’LL SKULL FUCK YOUR CHILDREN AND RAPE YOUR PETS!!!” – well – I was toooootally kidding!!! Hee. Hee. (Silence followed by more bawling.)

Boo! Just let her rip! It’s so much more entertaining to watch someone tank their already tanked career!

During rehearsals Shannon gets pissed at Derek because he’s being so hard on her. Which is weird because usually she likes that – HEEEEY! No seriously – at one point she says “Well – someone’s going home alone tonight!” Then Derek nervously laughs at the camera like “Whhhhaaat! She’s kidding!” No she’s not. You two are gross.

Back on the dance floor they begin their Tango. Which is actually really great. It’s a dance where two lovers are angry with each other and throw and slap each other around. Can we say method acting?!

Aaaand the judges LOVE IT! Bruno thought it was “fasscciiinating”! And Carrie thought it was her “best dance yet”! Kudos to the judges for not being like “Bitch I heard what you said last week – oh heeelllll no!!!!” I wait for Carrie to take her weave off and march down there and pommel the piss out of Shannon – but the niceties only continue. Len loved the passion and thought she did a terrific job. She did. But they still should have fucked with her a bit.

The scores come back and it’s 9′s from all judges. Awww – feel the love! Meanwhile – Useless Samantha totally misses her chance to nail Shannon for the “going home alone” comment she made in rehearsal! USELESS!

Next up, Jason and Edyta! Last week he plummeted down the the judge’s scoreboard. So this week he’s super-intense during rehearsals. At one point he says “This is all I do – so I’m not ready to go home yet!” Wow – that was a little sad there Jason. Let’s not get Guttenberg-desperate.

They then perform their quick step and start off with:

Ok – yes this is a cool move – but it’s one we’ve seen a million times now! I declare a moratorium on this move! Death to the under-the-crotch jump!

Jason does MUCH better this week with enjoying himself. Which makes the dance MUCH more interesting! And he even adds to the fun by tossing the judges notes everywhere! Yeah! Rage against the machine!

Before we go to the judge’s scores – it’s time for this week’s…

Moment with the Mother Fucking Queen!!! Girl – you’re looking GREAT TONIGHT! I wanna hoist you up – throw some light on you – spin you around – and call it “DISCO NIGHT!”

Back to the judges – Carrie says Jason was larger than life and everything was fantastic. Len says it will get Jason through to the finals and Bruno calls it “quick-LIGHTENING” – the performance of the night! And they come back with a 9 (boo Len!) and 2 10′s!! WOO WOO!

And that’s it!! We’ve seen all the dances and —— OH BUT WAIT! THEY ALL DANCE AGAIN!! IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT. Off to the Latin round…

Up first, Chubbers and Tony with the Rhumba! One word – ROMANCE! She looked beautiful and…

OYE! SEXY MAMACITA!!!

Bruno thought it was great but needed more sex while Carrie thought it was plenty sensual enough and was “GREAT”! Meanwhile Len thought it needed a bit more “well-y” I think he said that – cause if he said more “whale-y” he deserves to be beaten. We’ll shake Shannon up in a jar and release her on him.

The scores come back and it’s two 8′s and a 9 from Carrie. F-you Len and Bruno – Chubbers deserves 10′s!!!!

Now we have the Samba from Cristian and Cheryl! I’m not gonna lie – I usually avoid anything about this show before I write the recaps. HOWEVER it was impossible to miss what happens next since it was on the news and all over the internet. I knew Cristian hurts himself and going into it, knowing that, was like watching Chubbers walk into a Vegas buffet – you don’t know what it’s going to look like – but you know it ain’t gonna be pretty.

All I could think about was an interview I heard where Cheryl said she “heard something RIP” during the dance. GRRROOOOSSSSS. And unfortunately for Cristian – his dance was actually quite good until…

“Hmmm – I know it’s not the sleeves of my shirt that I just heard rip…”

Then he drops Cheryl and…

“Ummm… I think the inside of my arm just exploded.”

Way to go CHERYL!! What – are you topping 100 lbs now?! You whale! Look what you did!!! Actually, I’m almost positive this happened because Cristian de la Gym has been working out way too much to show his muscles off (hence the sleeveless shirts) so that when he threw his wafer-thin dance partner around – something got FUCKED UP.

Cristian tries to muscle through it all (GET IT?!!?) but Tom sends us to commercial (rightly so – I thought I was gonna be sick watching it).

Back from commercial – the judges feel awful judging Cristian and keep calling him brave for moving on. UH OH. They say nothing about his dancing BEFORE the injury. Me-thinks that this is only gonna get uglier.

Aaaand it does – while Cristian looks like he’s writhing in pain – the judges give him ALL 7′s!!! WTF?!!? I thought he did well up until the shit hit the fan! Way to kick a man when he’s down!!! BOOO!!!!!! Seriously. BOOOOO!!!!

Next on the chopping block – Kristi and Mark! They, for the first time ever, need to kick ass and start moving back up to the top. And they’re dancing to “Please Don’t Stop the Music!” by Rihanna! LOOOVE THAT SONG! And holy shit they go crazy! You can tell she’s fighting back to the top!

“Come on Len! BRING IT! YOU BEE-YOTCH!!!”

And Len DOES bring it. He gets SUPER pissy about it and calls it – wait for it – “BOOGALEW HIP-HOP DANCING!” BOOGALEW!!! HOLY SHIT. His car is gonna get torched in the parking lot. Bruno and Carrie go apeshit on Len for being too old-school (rightly so).

Can you tell who liked it and who didn’t? (BTW it’s nice to see Carrie started shaving.)

The scores come back and it’s a 10 from Carrie, an 8 from Len (WTF?!) and a 10 from Bruno! LEN!! Move into the new century – it’s BOOGALEW TIME!

And now here’s Mario and Karina dancing the Mambo. He’s quick – hot – and snazzy – and that’s exactly how the judges describe him. However, Len’s BEST comment of the season is about the other two judges…

“She’s misinformed and he should be chloroformed!” FANTASTIC!

The scores are up and it’s 9′s across the board! Not bad! But that’s total BS that Len thinks it was better than Kristi and Mark’s.

Up next, Shannon takes a classy approach to impressing Len…

By showing him the backside of her vagina.

Ahhhh subtlety. It truly is a lost art on this show. If only there was a way to get the point across a little more tactfully…

Yup. That’s it.

After Len finishes having a total heart attack – Carrie says it was “good” but Shannon was missing some lines – Len and Bruno both agree something was missing.

Back in the green room, Shannon tells Useless Samantha that she’s actually wearing a fake ass.

“Don’t you love it?! I bought it off a fat girl that needed the money! The best part is I can take it off without sticking my finger in my throat! Yeah!! BWAAAAH!!!”

Shannon reminds me of my friend Pam, the moment you pay her a compliment she’ll tell you she’s actually wearing spanks and her outfit was on the sale rack. So much for the facade of natural beauty.

The judges pay for their lap dance with all 8′s. Looks like Shannon does better without the extra cush in the tush.

FINALLY (LONGEST F-IN EPISODE EVER) we have Jason and Edyta dancing the Pasa Doble to the sounds of the NFL theme song! HAHAHA! LOVE IT! He’s all angry, passionate and OLE!

The judges loved it – HOWEVER – Carrie nails Edyta for her foot coming off the ground – making an “illegal lift”. This would be the first time I’ve heard a judge critique one of the professionals!!! YIKES! Nice job Edyta. It’s not like Jason just said earlier that his whole life depended on this. OH WAIT HE DID. (INSERT SOUND OF GUNSHOT)

The judges respond with 2 9′s and an 8 from Len. He’s really pissy tonight. Someone either forgot to give him an Ensure or change his diaper.

AND THAT’S IT!!!! This seriously felt like the longest friggin’ show EVER!!! What did you all think?! Did Shannon hooch herself out of the hole? Can you believe that the mighty Kristi has fallen to Jason?! And most importantly, will Cristian return tomorrow with a bionic arm and a crane to lift Cheryl?!? DISH IT!!!