Dancing with the Stars: OOhh! Cool Leather Undershirts! Oh God. They’re Not Wearing Undershirts!

It’s elimination time on Dancing with the Stars! Time to find out who gets the cut, if Cristian will soldier on and if, after all of these years, Def Leopard will still be able to pour the sugar on me. Ick.

Chubbers kicked skinny ass last night – that girl has gone from 6′s to 9′s. Put them together and whaddya got?! BUUHHHH….

Cristian complains that Carrie said he lacked energy and points out his sweaty face to prove the opposite:

Gross Cristian – if I wanted to see a Latino sweat I’d watch Mario Lopez take an STD test.

Kristi and Mark are bummed that they got less-than-stellar marks. While Shannon and Derek are frantically trying to get over Shannon-Gate! The meltdown of the season!

I make the church, and he makes the steeple, open the doors… and we’re shitty people!

We’ll find out tonight if all this ass-kissing has saved them or dug the hole a little deeper. Meanwhile, Jason had a FANTASTIC show and became the leader on the score board!

In review of the Latin portion of the evening… Chubbers thought she had all of her “sexuality on the line out there”. And that is a very fine line. And soon after that… CRISTIAN’S FUCKING ARM EXPLODED!!!! Drraaaaama! More on that later…

Drama didn’t stop there – Kristi and Mark performed a hip-hoppish ChaCha causing Len’s head to split open and he called it too much “Boogalew”! I’d love to follow this guy around and watch how many people he offends/pisses off in a day.

Mario and Shannon both made major comebacks with the Latin round. Shannon tells us that everything was fake tonight – a padded “bum”, padded bra, hair extensions – and don’t forget your personality Shannon! Ugh.

And tonight – Def Leopard performs!

Dear lord – please tell me that their shirts are open because they didn’t have enough time to finish getting dressed. If not, there stylist needs to be bludgeoned with the blunt side of a meat tenderizer.

But first, Len chooses Jason and Edyta’s Quick-Step to be repeated. They oblige and perform it again – just as well – and this time I’m almost sure they made a baby.

Before the elimination begins – Len announces that because there have been misunderstandings about exactly what a “lift” is – they’ve decided to let the couples to one legal lift next week – IF it fits with the theme of their dance! OOOHHHH! We’re gonna see some bodies hit the floor!

Let’s take a look at some of the cast’s reactions to this news:

“Who’s got 2 thumbs and is gonna throw this bitch around like a wet towel?!” THIS GUY!

Aaaand….

Tony: Ooooh boy. Um – if I have to lift you – you can’t eat again until next week, OK? Marissa: Look! Look Tony! I’m a baby bird! Feed me!!!!

And now it’s time to find out a safe couple and a couple in the bottom two. The first safe couple is… Kristi and Mark! Hmmm – why do they ALWAYS say them first!?? Change it up a bit! I feel like they’re TRYING to get everyone to hate them! WHA?!? CONSPIRACY!

And now it’s time for another spectacular waste of time with a segment called “Dance Center”! That’s right – it’s Jerry Rice, Kenny Mane and Len Goodman. Oh I get it – it’s a knockoff of SPORTSCENTER! That’s such a GREAT idea since I’m sure EVERYONE that watches SPORTS center will also be an avid celebrity/ballroom dancing fan!!! How insightful. Ugh.

The three amigos start to review each of the couples. There are actually a few funny moments. Like when they make Jerry Rice look gay for commenting on Mario’s abs. Ha ha. It’s funny cause now he’ll have someone that can beat the glitter off his eyes after the show.

Then Dance Center shows a clip of Shannon cracking Derek in the nuts! WTF!

NOT COOL SHANNON! Look at her smiling! Psycho! Whatever – it’s going to be your illegitimate children that are gonna be all messed up now.

Back to Tom and Useless Samantha on the floor – and what’s this?!?

There’s a spotlight on Tom but not Useless Samantha!!! HAHAHA! So far this season they’ve cut half her face off in a shot, cut the sound to her microphone and now this!!! The crew must LOOOVE her! What does she do on set?! Walk around and crack people in nuts!?

And now it’s time for… DEF LEOPARD!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! What a tragic fucking mess! Love it! First of all, every time the cameras went in for a close up of the lead singer, the steam-shooter thingys would go off and block the close-up:

WOW! They look great for their age! Steamy!

Apparently their management wasn’t cool with the idea of us seeing a close-up. I wouldn’t be either if I was trying to make commission off the living dead.

Luckily the professional dancers race in to divert attention away from the HORRIFIC lip-syncing that’s going on. For some reason part of their routine involves throwing the girls around. And at one point Louis and Mark TOSS Anna offstage!

“Wait a minute – you got voted off already! AAAAAND OFF YOU GO!!! Say Hi to Steve!

And I was wondering why they keep doing a weird video shot of the drummer…

Until I remembered – the guy only has ONE ARM!! Crazy! Can you imagine how hard it is to pretend your drumming to a song with just one arm?! Oh well – at least he didn’t have to clap along.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha interviews Kristi and Mark about their fall to second place. Kristi of course handles it like a pro – it’s like she had years and years of practice answering retarded questions like this. Thank God for the olympics. Jason thanks Kristi for letting him borrow the top spot for a week. Classic!

Back to Dance Center. Oy. Jerry Rice calls Kristi, “Kristi Yama-hoochi”!!! HA! Love it! And they finally call Mark out for his weird-ass guppy-face that he makes during the dances. Now they’re talking about Marissa! DON’T YOU DARE MAKE FUN OF MY CHUBBERS! Luckily the instead turn their attention to Tony’s chompers. Guy Smiley!

Another gem of Dance Center is we get to find out that Jason is a farter:

“HAHAHA!! Don’t me laugh or I’ll SHART! HAHAH!! Uh oh. Umm.. do you have any tissues?”

Next we find out that Mario and Karina are safe! Looks like he moved up from last week! Showing some skin always pays off! Unless your Pen, Steve or Priscilla.

Oh looord. Another song from Def Leopard. Can someone please tell me what the FUCK they’re doing here?! I was into them when I was like 6! But now?! They make me want shower in bleach just for looking at them. Once again some pro-dancers come out and save the day. They’re pretty good but not as FANTASTIC as the couple last week was. Although their one cool move was something that looked like a human pretzel:

I loved this move so much I tried it at home! Someone please call 911 immediately. Oh god – I can taste my spleen.

There’s then a segment where the stars walk us through a week in their shoes. We find out some interesting things. Like what a raving bitch Cheryl can be: “You’re doing it WRONG!” I’m beginning to think Cristian faked an injury so he could purposely drop her on her head.

We also get to see this clip of Shannon:

No I didn’t add those words! That shirt actually says it! Oh Shannon – you gotta love a girl that knows why she is where she is and is proud of it. It’s like the less respect she has for herself the more respect I have for her. She looks like shit without make-up though. Oh well.

We then get to see that the dancers come in early to rehearse their dances in front of the cameras. Oddly – there are no judges around to watch the rehearsal – UNLIKE SOME OTHER SHOWS THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS!!! (COUGH american COUGH idol)

Shannon says the most terrifying moment in her life is right before she walks out onstage. I would’ve said it was the moment she found out they weren’t making American Pie 5. Hang in there girl!

Back to Tom and Useless Samantha who tell us the show format had changed several times tonight – even minutes before they went live. KUDOS to Dancing with the Stars for holding it all together – unlike some other show with 10x the budget that totally fell apart on the same night. It rhymes with Shmerican Didol. Suckas!

Time for who’s safe and who’s not! But first, we find out WTF is going on with Cristian. It turns out he’s been at the hospital all day – had an MRI – and just heard from the doctor that he has a ruptured tendon that needs surgery. So what is he to do?!?! HE SAID HE’S POSTPONING SURGERY AND STAYING IN THE COMPETITION!!! WHAT?!? CRAZY! If his arm explodes on the floor next week I’m gonna wretch.

Tom notes that there’s a risk involved and Cristian replies with “There was a deaf woman that took the risk of dancing – so can I.” WOW. He just compared a physical injury to being DEAF. Damn the cameraman that couldn’t get a reaction shot of Marlee. And I’m guessing Cristian’s agent’s reaction was something like:

Ay. Dios mio.

We then find out that Cristian and Cheryl ARE actually safe and will continue on! BUT – MARISSA AND TONY ARE NOT SAFE?!?! WHAT?@?!?! WTF PEOPLE?!!? CHUBBERS MUST STAY!!! Jason and Edyta are safe. AND SHANNON AND DEREK ARE NOT!

AANNND SHANNON AND DEREK ARE GOING HOME!! OUCH! Looks like the public’s not so cool with enraged temper tantrums!!!

Shannon – how do you feel about all of this?

I thought so.

So that’s it folks – we bid adieu to the show-mance lovahs and move on to next week. What do you all think?! Is Def Leopard making a come back? (Please don’t) Could Chubbers really be in jeopardy?!!? And most importantly – when we see Shannon once again – will we be ordering the Hooters wings or sliders?! DISH IT!