Ladies and Gentlemen… Dancing with the Stars celebrates it’s 100th epidsode!!! Let the trumpets sound! Let the crowds cheer! Poets will speak of this day in years to come… or just Paula Abdul – who says “Happy 100th Episode, Dancing with the Stars (awkward pause) – the most amazing show—” And they cut her off!!! HAHAHAHA! What fucking retarded thing must she have said?! GOD I wish THAT walking pill dumpster was on this show!
Tom and Useless Samantha welcome us to the big “100th Celebration”! Useless Samantha looks gorgeous tonight. But you know she’s gonna ruin it by opening her mouth. Maybe we could celebrate tonight by making her eat 100 marshmallows and forcing her to do interviews that way. At least they’d be more interesting. Until she choked. Then it would be FANTASTIC!
We kick off the night with a dance number by all the professional dancers. It’s FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! I wish every episode could start off with this! Hot dancers, hot moves and…
Holy shit! Edyta jumps straight through the air, gets ally-ooped by Jonathon and goes into a spin move with another dancer!
And then for the big finale…
The guys all slide through the girls’ legs! The sexual suggestions are stunning tonight!
Tom and Useless Samantha then review some of last night’s highlights. Mario did a great job with ballroom dancing and goes on to say how much he loved it. However the judges NAILED him for his Jive. Chubbers tried her best but Len complained he wanted it to be “dirtier”. To which she is confused by. Don’t be sweetheart – I’m guessing Len’s the kind of guy that would like you to give him a lap dance while you’re eating a turkey leg. Yeah – THAT kind.
Kristi and Mark did a fab job with ballroom but Carrie crucified them for the first time ever over their Samba. Kristi didn’t get it – especially because she thought her dress was fantastic. If anyone saw last night’s show – you’d know her perspective is clearly off. She looked like an f’in rooster gone vegas-style.
Jason kicked ass with the ballroom but his Samba got slammed as hard as Kristi’s was. Meanwhile Cristian de la Bionic Arm and Cheryl came along and swept the night!
They celebrate by discussing how Cheryl should cup his balls later that night.
Tom welcomes us back from commercial with a big hoorah from the audience in regards to it being their 100th episode. We then go backstage with Useless Samantha (Debbie Downer) who reminds the final 5 someone’s going home tonight. She then goes on to ask Jason (word for word) “At this point in the cont-position is it (his ranking) really a good place to be?” She combined the words “Contest”, “Competition” and “Position”. Congratulations Useless Samantha on creating your own retarded language.
Useless Samantha then asks Cristian about being the new leader and he says “I’d like to thank Kristi for letting Jason be on top last week and me on top this week”. WHAT?!!? LOVE IT! I always knew Kristi was a bottom. Best part – Tom responds with a “I won’t touch it” regarding Cristian’s comment. Kudos to Tom for at least calling it out!
BTW – Doesn’t Cristian’s arm look like he mixed up a big pot of gay with it?! Or maybe he just used one of the legs of Cher’s pantyhose.
Up next, our guest performer Rascal Flats with dancers Apolo Anton and Julianne Hough! Umm – I totally know squat about Rascal Flats. They seem nice. Good country song. My only comment would be:
The lead singer looks like John Goodman if he were a lesbian.
This shot also made me laugh hysterical – they did a split screen at the end:
“Hey Mr. Rascal Flats – what face would you be making if you had Julianne in this position? Mmm hmm. Thought so.”
Anyways, Apolo does a great job dancing – looks like he can keep his trophy. Also, in celebration of the 100th episode, we see some stars and their favorite moments. Lisa Rinna picks the moment when Kelly Monaco had a “wardrobe malfunction”:
I guess her dress snapped off and her boobs almost popped out. Personally I thought the problem here was the horrific crotch shot they caught. Either way – had I been watching this the first time it happened I would’ve split a lip laughing.
Tom then interviews some of the show’s previous stars and we end up with Lisa again.
Who laughs like a psycho, calls herself a freak and lets us know she teaches cardio-ballroom with Louis. Can we say most entertaining train wreck ever?! Sign me up. (PS – I’ve also heard her upper lip teaches its own lifting class.)
The ex-star line up is actually quite depressing. Each star tells Tom how the show helped them with getting work. God – it’s like DWTS is it’s own celebrity rehab. Joey Fatone is now a taste-tester for Ben and Jerry’s – but worries Chubbers will replace him after this season. He obviously still believes in heavily promoting himself as well:
We really didn’t need that to know it was you from behind. You’ll always be the Fat-one to us, Joey.
Tom then reviews the leader board: Chubbers is in 5th, Jason in 4th, Mario in 3rd, Kristi in 2nd:
“Say I PERFECT dansah or I choke you SO HARD!”
And Cristian de la Bionic Arm on top of spaghetti all covered with cheese.
Up next, Mario Lopez performs with the cast of “A Chorus Line”. It’s great – blah blah blah we’ll all seen this number a billion times. HOWEVER – the real drama is that apparently (as reported on several sites) Mario threw a hissy fit that he wanted to show off his biceps in the broadway show so he CHANGED the iconic costume of “Zach” (the role he plays) to show them off. AND, he asked that Nick Adams, the “choreographer” in the cast, wear a hoodie, instead of just a tank top, because he has BIGGER biceps! WHAT?!!? Alright – let’s settle this once and for all:
Ok. Ummm… well ummm… Hey look – Mario’s playing with his stool! Ew!
Aaaand we’re back with Rascal Flats! They’re singing “Life is a Highway.” And Mel B and Maksim Chmerkovskiy are dancing along with them. Honestly – it was OK. Nothing too special. I was kind of hoping for a little more craziness – but it was just “eh”. Although there was one part where Scary Spice did splits across the floor 3 times in a row:
Kinky Spice! Watch it Mel! Get any closer and that floor’s gonna ask for a paternity test in 9 months!
Afterwards, Drew Lachey shares with us his favorite moment – Marie Osmond fainting:
I haven’t seen a fat chick stop, drop and roll like that since Chubbers thought she was on fire.
We then see a segment about what past stars inspire this season’s current stars. Kristi is inspired by Joey Fatone because of his showmanship. He’s also the first person she’s seen swallow a whole ham and his career in one gulp. Chubbers loves Mel B and wants to capture her fierceness. Jason applauds Emmet Smith on making dance “cool”. And Cristian de la Tacos loves Helio because he’s Latin as well. WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING?! Ay Dios Mio!
Tom then reveals 2 couples who are definitely returning for the semi-finals. First it’s… CHUBBERS and Tony!!! OMFG! And Kristi and Mark!!
Back in the green room, Chubbers explodes sunshine and happiness all over Useless Samantha’s beautiful gown. The best is Karina’s expression after this is announced:
“OH HELL NO DID THAT HIPPO MAKE IT AND I’M STILL IN JEOPARDY.”
And the next couple dancing in the semi-finals is… Cristian and Cheryl! WOW. I definitely did not see that coming. How the fuck are they gonna keep dancing?! Can’t wait to see that train wreck next week!
And now – the couple going home is… Mario and Karina! WOW! REALLY didn’t see that coming! He was really just starting to bring his A game! Maybe America doesn’t dig Karina’s pouty/pissy face all of the time.
Mario thanks Len for the constructive criticism and goes on to say that it’s not he who’s the hero (I don’t quite remember anyone calling him one – but ok) it’s the men and women serving overseas. Doh! Mario! Don’t you know anything about PR?! You need to fit comments like that in BEFORE you get voted off! And don’t forget to thank God and wave a flag while you’re doing it! Geez.
So that’s it. Mario and Karina have their last dance to what might be the most inappropriate last song this season – “I Will Survive”. Not because of the title – but right after they get booted off you hear the lyrics:
“Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now – cause you’re not welcome anymore!” WTF!? RUDE!
So that’s it! The 100th episode! What did everyone think?! Was Mario booted before his prime?! Whose biceps where bigger: Mario’s, Adam’s or Mel B’s?! And most importantly – shouldn’t Lisa Rinna co-host next year and be this show’s Paula Abdul!?!?!?!? DISH IT!