Dancing with the Stars: Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Round the Corner…

… Champions are made! Welcome to the finals of Dancing with the Stars! I’m bBitz and I’m back from an extended stay with my friend “Mono”! Good times kids – nothing like gargling salt water and popping antibiotics like Pez on your BIRTHDAY. Anyways – sorry to miss last week – but let’s end it with a bang!

Tom and Useless Samantha come on out and kick off the show. Meanwhile the camera zooms by the sidelines and we see all the previously axed contenders from this season. It’s a sad lil’ line-up of celebrities spending their 15th minute.

Our finalists are introduced! It’s Jason and Edyta! Cristian and Cheryl! And Kristi and Mark! I have to admit – I’m kind of pulling for Jason at this point. I love Kristi but Jason’s the underdog. And Cristian de la Bionic Arm just aggravates me. He’s like a dumb puppy you wouldn’t mind losing.

First up – we have a “Cha Cha Cha” face off! Oooh! I hope it’s nothing like “Face Off” the movie. I’m still waiting for my money back on that one Mr. Travolta.

Useless Samantha introduces the finalists to the Magic Mirror Ball of Order!

And this… this is where I’ve kept my brains all season! Isn’t it sparkly?!?”

The finalists then choose their order by cracking open mini-mirror balls which reveal numbers. If I was the PA that had to make all this shit for a retarded 1 minute segment that could have been done with a hat and 3 pieces of paper – I’d be realllly bitter. Crisian gets “1st”, Jason gets “2nd” and Kristi gets “3rd”. That’s ironic. This is exactly how I’d rank the couples on opposite day.

Cristian’s up first and in rehearsal we get to see him in action. By that I mean – him acting like a gorilla with ADD. And thanks to editing, we also find out that Cheryl’s crotch is just like a magical wardrobe:

Crawl through the magic portal…. And come out a changed man!

After being unable to pull this move off after 3 tries, Cristian comments to Cheryl, “Well – at least I’m not as big as Jason!” That’s weird Cristian – cause your wife says the same thing! Hey oh! Oh no I di’nt!

Meanwhile – Jason admits that his size does cause problems for the Cha Cha. And for Edyta:

“You must be this tall to ride.”

Mark and Kristi are rehearsing and Mark teases Kristi about the face she’s making while dancing. Can you imagine having to worry about shit like that?! The pressure’s on!

During group rehearsals (which is weird – I don’t like it) the couples show off what they have so far. Kristi and Mark are, of course, looking way better than the other couples. But they shrug it off saying they’ve only choreographed 30 seconds worth. To which Cristian makes the smartest comment I’ve ever heard him say, “We showed them are whole routine, you (Jason) showed them your whole routine – now that they’ve seen US – they can go choreograph the rest of their routine!” OH SNAP!!!!!!! He’s right! He adds “I know you Ballas!!” INDEED! He’s cute but he’s a sneaky little weasel! And I trust Kristi as far as Cristian could throw her with his bad arm.

And now… it’s time for the Cha Cha face-off!! First out – Cristian and Cheryl! Cristian comes running out and does the gayest little jump off the stage I’ve ever seen:

Apparently he’s up for the Latino version of “Fame”, “La Fama”!

Their dance is pretty good. It’s ok. Kind of boring. But I also blame the guy singing Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling” since it sounds like he should be singing it at kids party circa 1985. Their big finish move goes down like this – slide across the floor and:

It’s officially proven God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Cause if he did they would’ve slid just 4 more feet to plant Cheryl’s face in that stage light.

Jason and Edyta then come shimmying on. I kind of like this new set-up of each dance blending into the next. It saves alot of time cutting the bullshit (aka Useless Samantha interviews) out of the middle.

Jason and Edyta are having a grand old time but it does look like Jason’s looking at his feet too much.

Although he does pull off his favorite “Mounting Edyta” move. Seriously though – who hasn’t.

They end with a spinning pretzel move that’s actually quite impressive. I have to say that out of the three couples, their chemistry is the best. Hmmm….

Finally Kristi and Mark come on out – and EWWWWW!

She kisses Bruno! Grrooooss! The last time Bruno kissed a girl like this was when he starred in the West End’s revival of “Madame Butterfly”.

Her and Markie go on to do a very snazzy number. Must be the sexual energy she got from Bruno! Markie spins her around like a top and you can tell they definitely prepared to steal the show.

Towards the end they all pile on the Cha Cha train. It’s funny – the three of them dancing together looks like a an old, really diverse version of the Mob Squad.

They end with a fantastic tableau:

All they need now are chanting natives and a volcano.

Time to hear from the judges for the first time tonight. Len says although it takes a lot to get him excited (I heard it takes up to 6 thai hookers and snorting a line of viagra) that this dance number really got him going! Len loved every one of the couples – and called Kristi the complete package!

Before Bruno can give his take – Tom points out that Kristi’s lipstick is still on his lip:

His lip gloss is not cool. His lip gloss is not poppin’. His lip gloss does however make him look like Hitler.

Bruno goes on to compliment Cristian on his “banging”. Ugh – skip – too easy. And calls Kristi a class of her own! Carrie notes that Cristian did great but his injury is showing and sympathizes with Jason that it was a very difficult dance for him to do. Carrie then says Kristi won it – hands down! Oy. It’s gonna be a Kristi-lovefest.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Cristian about him sweating so much. Nice. What’s your follow-up question, “Why do you talk with a funny accent?” The judges give Cristian 2 9′s and an 8 – unsurprisingly the 8 came from Carrie. She never did care for Speedy Gonzales.

Jason’s scores come back and it’s 8′s across the board. OUCH! I definitely think he was just as good as Cristian. And now – Kristi and Mark – 10′S ACROSS THE BOARD! Wow. It was really good. This is gonna be a blood bath. The Yamaguchinator takes no prisoners. It looks like DWTS is gonna have it’s first female champ.

Next up – FREESTYLE! I’ve waited alllll season for this! Yeah! The dancers can do whatever they want – no rules! Yeah! Why they don’t do this more than once in a season is beyond me.

Mark is worried because he knows “Jason is gonna bring his strength and Cristian is gonna bring his personality”. And you KNOW it was on the tip of his tongue to say “Unfortunately – Kristi has neither.” That would’ve been great.

Back in rehearsal, Mark is trying to teach Kristi how to flip him for a stunt that most certainly will kill him. She’s like 100lbs – why the hell is he thinking this will work?! His ass just ends up on the matt over and over:

“Ok. I’m weady for the wabbit.”

So he then brings Julianne into the rehearsal to show her how it’s done:

WTF??! I have an odd feeling when Kristi does it the move will end up like this:

Remember Derek anyone?!?!

And then Kristi and Mark perform their dance. AND BLOW THE FUCKING ROOF STRAIGHT OFF THE BUILDING. FANTASTIC!!! I mean – it’s ridiculous. I can’t even. They do crazy lifts, crazy moves, and the flip is a success (although I think I saw fear in her eyes right before she launched him). Some highlights:

Mark plays the backside of Kristi’s vagina like a banjo.

And they levitate at one point. No green vomit though.

And how about those outfits huh?! I haven’t seen that many sequins since I was hiding in Zach Efron’s closet. Oddly he was there too.

Bruno calls the dance an inspiring mix of hip-hop and mambo – worthy of the championship! Carrie calls Kristi the crowd-pleaser! And Len – who usually hates any dance created after the Cold War – LOVED IT!

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks Kristi how much she wants to win. REALLY?!?! REALLY USELESS SAMANTHA?!? DID YA PICK THAT ONE UP IN GRAD SCHOOL?!?! GOD!!!!!

The scores come back and of course – IT’S 10′S ACROSS THE BOARD! Another perfect score for the Yamaguchinator!

Before commercial we catch a glimpse of Jason and Cristian backstage – who both joke around about looking “defeated”. And then you realize…

They’re not joking around. How sad! Don’t give up! You still have time to hire Tonya Harding!

Next up, Jason and Edyta doing it Freestyle! In rehearsal, Edyta’s trying to get Jason to use his strength so that he can beat the others.

She then positions herself on a window ledge and threatens to jump.

Damn it Edyta! Wrong way! Fall back!

Edyta says she thought she’d bring someone smaller in for Jason to throw around. His kids and wife then come running in. I’m sure his wife would love to throw Edyta around!

His kids are adorable. Especially when his little boy takes a header into the mat:

TOE PICK!

Jason’s wife says “This is only dancing – it’s not football.” Awww – how sweet. And then she follows it with “But you better win!” WTF?! Are you kidding me? Must be easy to shout orders from the couch! What the hell are you lady – an ex-cheer leader?!

Jason and Edyta begin their freestyle with what may be the best start to a dance ever:

Look! It’s like every women’s rights group’s nightmare rolled up into one snazzy dance move! Wait till you see the finale where he mugs her and leaves her for dead!

There dance is pretty good. It definitely has some moments where Edyta gets tossed all around. However those moments really show of her skills – not his. Speaking of his skills though – they do end with this move:

Apparently their new motto is “Fuck skill – let’s get votes.”

Of course the crowd goes wild and Bruno loses his shit. Carrie is shocked at how funky Jason was. Len imagines him and Jason trolling South Beach in their speedos. Thank God I don’t have to hear Len make many more of these comments. My skin can only crawl off my body so many times.

Bruno called it fun, funky and loved the lifts. However I’m sure what he meant was “Ahhhh…. droooolll….” I bet HE would’ve made sure Edyta jumped the right way off the ledge.

Back in the green room, Useless Samantha asks one of her only relevant questions of the season: “Jason – there’s no cash prize – you’re only winning the trophy – why do you want it so bad?” Thank you! That’s what I’m saying! They should get SOMETHING for winning. Maybe the winner gets to bludgeon Useless Samantha with her microphone and she doesn’t know it yet. And of course she then cuts Jason off half way through his answer to get the scores. LOVE IT! Classic!

Carrie gives a 9, Len gives a 9 and Bruno gives a 9! Useless Samantha: “That’s great – Edyta – you must be so excited!” Edyta: “Oh yeah I am because—” Useless Samantha: “That’s all the time we have – gotta cut it again!” WTF?!!? SHE’S A JOURNALISTIC TRAIN WRECK!

Even Tom makes a joke about the interview! OMG! If she’s still on this show next season I’m boycotting it. There are plenty of other useless and pretty girls in Hollywood that could take her place!

Up next, Cristian and Cheryl rehearse their freestyle. And it’s excruciating to watch. He falls and hurts his arm at one point and screams. Ick. There’s no way he should be competing still. It makes me queasy to watch. And if I wanted to be queasy I could watch American Idol churn out another Singer-bot.

Time for their big freestyle number! Everyone get your raincoats on! This could get messy! They get off to a good start. Cristian’s definitely working the “personality” angle. And they have a couple great moves:

This move’s called the “AHH! AHH! IT’S ON MY FACE AND I CAN’T GET IT OFF! AHH! I’M GONNA GET RABIES!”

And this one’s called “Ham on a Roll… with Cheese on Top.”

They finish with a bang. Literally. Cristian slides across the floor and bangs Cheryl in the ass. I’ll save you the photo on that one.

Len liked the dance but said because of Cristian’s arm the lifts weren’t what the should be. Bruno loved all of the shaking and makes a joke in reference to the Northridge, CA earthquake. Hey! What a great time to make a joke about earthquakes! Read a newspaper you twit!

Carrie says “Christian – you might not win – but I see a winner in so many other ways.” Ooohhh… why don’t you hang a shitty painting of his on the fridge while you’re at it!

The scores come back and it’s 9′s from Carrie and Bruno and an 8 from Len. Boo! He deserved at least one 10 for his arm not snapping in half! Or dropping Cheryl on her head “by accident”!

And that’s it! Can you believe it?! What do you all think? Should Kristi have a stripper number to get even with Jason? Shouldn’t Edyta give her leap from the window ledge another try?! And most importantly, should Jason and Cristian bother showing up for the final night!? DISH IT!!!