After sixteen weeks of brutal training, Dancing with the Stars all came down to this: a surprisingly modest one hour results show that thankfully capped this eventful season with a minimum of filler (relatively speaking). Before we even get to the outcome or any of that, however, I have a major bone to pick with the Associate Press, and indirectly, with Yahoo! News. As many of you know, I live in Los Angeles, which just so happens to be located on the West Coast, which just so happens to be three hours behind the East Coast, which just so happens to mean that live events are tape delayed. WELL. Once a winner was chosen in last night’s finale, those jerks at the AP slapped a big ol’ headline on their article that read “_____ Wins Dancing with the Stars.” The reason I found this out was because I accidentally hit my link to Yahoo! Entertainment News, and there it was — top of the page — at literally 6:09 PM, PST. That’s right: my finale was spoiled! And y’all know how much I hate spoilers! Why couldn’t they have just written “Winner Crowned On Dancing with the Stars”?
Well, worst of all was that this headline snuck into all sorts of RSS feeds and whatnot, and soon, for those of us on the West Coast, it was barely impossible to escape the results. Of the ten or so people I’ve interacted with so far today, over half of them complained that the show was spoiled by the AP article. Granted, I wouldn’t call ten people a noteworthy sample group, but at least I’m not alone! Nevertheless, no use crying over spilt milk (although, someone should certainly be fired and/or flogged excessively). There still was plenty of fun stuff to talk about; so let’s relive the season’s exciting final hour!Truth is there wasn’t much in this grande finale. It was pretty much all recaps, encore dances, and strolls down memory lane. As the show opened, we once again saw our intrepid hosts, Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris, the latter of whom thankfully no longer resembled my dad’s old Buick’s upholstery. Instead, she went for a new look: one part Old Hollywood, one part red lipstick, and one part Wendy Mallick. It was Sam-tastic. Anyway, Tom then narrated a nifty recap of Tuesday’s show, saying that “last night, two gladiators went to war!” I’m not sure if “gladiator” is the right term — unless gladiators were known for killing each other with a vicious heel-toe combo.
“Nice body glitter.”
Anyway, after the recap was over, we learned that because tonight was so special, each finalist would be getting an encore dance. How delightful! A high honor indeed! Well, Emmitt got to go first, and for his dance, the judges wanted to see the samba again. As great as it was the night before, I couldn’t help but fast forwarding. Hey, I’m a busy guy!
After the commercial break, it was time for Mario and Karina’s encore, and no surprise here: the judges wanted to see their freestyle. Okay, I gotta admit. I was going to fast forward, but I just had to watch. Afterwards, Tom and Samantha interviewed Mario, asking him various fluff questions about dancing and yada yada yada. Dimple Face immediate employed his faux-modesty, saying that he had so much respect for dancers. After all, “I’m just an actor.” Wow, I’m just awash in his humbleness!
We then went to commercial, but not before sharing one last moment with Tysonia, the non-celebrity that no one cares about. I was under the assumption that she’d be dancing tonight on the show, but it never happened. Maybe she shook her thang on a previous results show? Sorry, being a slave to the Fast Forward button can have its downfalls. Nevertheless, the good news for Tysonia was that she’d lost fifteen pounds and received a promotion. So you see everyone, for all you people that want to lose weight and excel in business, just get picked by a reality show to participate in a silly ballroom dance segment.
When we returned, we saw last season’s champ, Drew Lachey, in the audience next to none other than Joey McIntyre and Tia Carrere. What a wonderful assemblage of stars! We then sat through a long recap of the whole season (just in case we missed it last week. And the week before), and when that was done, some of our old stars returned to the stage to dance once more. First up was Tucker Carlson, who still sucked, but seemed a hair better than his first disastrous performance. Shanna Moakler looked at bloat-tastic as ever as she revisited her epic Kriss Kross/”Jump, Jump” mambo, and Harry Hamlin, for better or worse, still seemed as stiff as a board.
Last and certainly not least were Vivica and Nick, who once again paso doble’d to the unlikely Bon Jovi tune “It’s My Life,” and afterwards, as the crowd roared with applause, Samantha Harris couldn’t help but be swept up by all the excitement. “That’s a fun group to have back in the ballroom!” she yelled. Seriously, Samantha. CALM DOWN.
“HOLY MOTHERF*@KING SHIT!!! THAT WAS AWESOME, TOM!!!”
After the commercial, it was time for more fun with the rest of the banished dancers. Willa and Maksim made a forgettable appearance, followed by Sara and Tony, and I had to admit — Sara seemed slightly peppier. Hey, remember when she was immersed in a harrowing sex scandal? Yeah, that was fun. Anyway, Jerry and Kym came out and did their shtick, and next were Monique and Louis. I was incredibly happy to see Monique do her spastic run-and-jump backwards bit. Always a crowd pleaser. Of course, this was all topped off with Joey and Edyta, who once again danced to “Singing In The Rain.” At long last, the dancing came to an end, which meant it was time for friends and family to reflect on the finalists. There were plenty of typical remarks about being proud, laughing at the outfits, blah blah blah. Elizabeth Berkley was of course a huge fan of Mario’s, saying, “He could be on Broadway. He could be on Broadway right now!” Aww, that was so sweet. She was trying to line up Mario’s next gig (because we all know that after this, it’s back to oblivion and D-list excursions).
Surprisingly enough, Ryan Seacrest popped up to make a comment. I’m surprised Fox let him appear on a rival talent reality show. Then again, I couldn’t help noticing that he was credited as being from “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve” (which incidentally airs on ABC). Yeah, I’m sure that’s what everyone knows Seacrest from. Not that tiny other show he does. American something or another.
Eva Longoria, looking kind of old-ish, then came on camera and revealed that she was ever so nervous for Mario, and instantly, I went into a state of panic. EVA LONGORIA’S NERVOUS???? WHAT DO I DO??? Should I stock up on canned foods???
Of course, the segment ended with words from each finalist’s mothers. Emmitt’s mom Mary seemed very sweet, especially when she labeled herself as “Proud Mary.” Mario’s mom was also quite lovely, and unsurprisingly, she began to tear up during the interview. His dad, on the other hand, said absolutely nothing during the entire segment. Maybe he’s an Emmitt fan?
After the commercial, Tom approached the row of ejected Stars and asked them what their favorite moments were during the entire season. It kind of felt like a sparkly version of Family Feud. Most of the celebs had boring responses about seeing their grandmothers and whatnot. Vivica said she was so happy to make new friends and to dance with Nick, but when Tom asked if she’ll stay in touch, she replied, “NO.” She then laughed as if she were kidding, but we could all tell she most certainly was not.
Monique also earned bonus points for taking a stab at humor, saying that the most memorable moment for her was “the day I found out Jerry Springer was my dad.” In real life, it would barely earn a chuckle, but in the bizarro world of Dancing with the Stars where the hokiest things seem hilarious, Monique was like funniest person alive. Joey then finished things off with his generic answer, which was almost lost amidst his nonstop bobblehead-ing. Seriously, somebody get him a brace. You know, like one of those things they give people with broken necks.
We then saw a video package about Emmitt and Cheryl and how they’d grown so much over the weeks. The two complimented each other, and Cheryl wound up crying on camera as she attempted to hide her face in her sleeves. When we came back to the live show, Samantha Harris had a crooked, Charlie Brown sort of smile, as if she too were repressing the urge to bawl right there in front of America. I wonder, when she sobs, does she still stammer?
We then watched a similar video, except this time, it focused on Mario and Karina. It was significantly less moving, mostly because it felt like Mario was bullshitting us the entire time — as has been the case all season. Anyway, once this was over, we went to commercial one last time, and finally, we were ready for the results. Well, actually, we were ready for the results about fifty minutes ago, but that’s okay (besides, I already knew who was going to win).
Well, the cameras zoomed in on each couple, and Tom announced that the winner of season three of Dancing With The Stars was none other than… EMMITT AND CHERYL!!! Excellent!
The two shared a long, emotional hug while next to them, Karina could barely hide her disappointment. I could understand. Technically, Mario was the better dancer, but there was no way he could compete with the popular vote.
Ever the gracious winner, the first thing Emmitt did was congratulate Mario and Karina. Of course, by this time, Karina had gone from a look of sadness to total devastation. C’mon, girl! Put on a big, fake smile. You can do it!
After the obligatory interviews were over, Emmitt and Cheryl then raised up their chintzy prize — the Mirrorball — and soon all the stars and dancers flooded the dancefloor to give hugs and kisses. Mario tried to get Emmitt’s attention several times, but oops! He was denied! Sorry, chump. Second place is first on a long line of LOSERS! Actually, it wasn’t so much that Emmitt snubbed him as much as he was simply distracted.
“Hey… hey, Emmitt? Emmitt?? Remember me? I’m Mario. I was on that dancing show with you. Emmitt?”
And that is how season three ended. Did you think Emmitt deserved it? Or was Mario robbed? And is Cheryl the new good luck charm?